So? What is it? What's different? I go around and say before I was like this, and I used to be like that, I'm free, etc, etc, etc. But what's different? And don't get me wrong, I am free. Without a doubt... I can handle anything... I can even handle being me... the good and the bad... showing my feelings... risking hurt and loving life.
For instance, Ken wanted to kiss me last night. He was shy and he was drunk and he wanted a good night kiss... and most likely more. And I gave him my cheek. Before, I probably would have felt awkward and not done anything - most likely ignore him - or, going back even further, I would have gotten drunk with him and fucked him - lying on my back, eyes wide open, moaning at all the right times and just waiting for it to be over. Not really something to brag about either way, huh? I am now the girl who gives him her cheek. And smiles and says goodnight. And means it! Before I would have avoided him completely after that, whether it turned out that we had sex or not, I would have been nervous and absolutely convinced that I was a bad person and that I totally understand why he doesn't like me at all anymore. How could he, right? Why would he? Wow. And that taught me nothing but to hate myself more. Oh, wait! Get this... I also did it with girls. To a lesser degree because I think we share our feelings more but I did. If I didn't hear from them it meant that they didn't want to hear from me. If there was a cross word or a disagreement it was over. I'm walkin' away. How easily I accepted that no one liked me when I was the one who really didn't like me. Fuck them anyway, right? Who needs 'em? Ha!
So, what is different, you ask? For one thing, I want to be me. I want to be the person that I always suppressed. I want to be the girl that holds out her cheek, be the girl that people want to talk to, see myself through their eyes and realize that I am good. I want people to enjoy being around me. I want to enjoy being around them again. I wonder if I ever really did enjoy being around people. Well, of course I did but while I was with them I always made up my own version of what was happening between the lines. And I think that I would spend most of my time not only talking about myself but telling people how wonderful I was. The funny thing is that I think most people thought I was wonderful and me trying to sell myself only made them think less of me. But, here I am again, making up my own version of the truth that might be absolutely right or absolutely wrong. At the same time, I do have to go with my instincts. I know that some people got frustrated with me. And some people didn't. And some people thought that I was the best thing since sliced bread... the whole wheat kind. What is different is --- that's okay. All of those reactions are just fine because I cannot control another person's opinion of me. And, if I can't control other people's opinion, then why not let out some of the things that I was always afraid would be a turn off. Why not be me... the most authentic version of myself that I can be. If, no matter what I do, some people will like me and some people won't and some people won't care one way or the other, then why the hell not just be me?
You know that day that I wrote about letting myself off the hook was a breakthrough day. I had no idea - no idea - that I was constantly badgering myself like I was. Nothing I did was ever good enough for me. I let everyone else get away with everything and let me get a way with nothing. I wasn't fast enough, I was in the way, I was overstaying my welcome, I did that wrong, I laughed too loud, I hugged too long. Hmm. I was going to say that I was pretty confident that my job wasn't affected by this but that would be incorrect. My job was the same as my life: I tried and tried and tried to please everyone by being everything but I kept failing. And when I would fail, I would give up on myself so quickly. Why bother? I'm shit. And then do absolutely nothing... trying to prove what I had already decided was true.
I love my father immensely. I would never say anything bad about him or about the way he and my mother raised me. They drew on their own experience of how to raise children and they did their best. But I still hear my father telling me to move, telling me that I wasn't good enough, I wasn't fast enough, I wasn't smart enough, get out of the way. Let's just say it in a teasing manner, then you can get away with pretty much anything. And, no matter what, do not show your feelings. Really good feelings or really bad feelings. Shhhhh. No one needs to know. I know he would never ever have behaved that way if he knew that it would affect me the way it did but he was probably treated that way and much worse. I remember treating Debra that way when she was young. It didn't mean that I didn't love her but I sure pushed her around sometimes. And maybe the only difference between me and Dad is that I realized I was doing it and he didn't. (I am fairly confident that he never thought that he was good enough, either.) I never realized I was doing it to myself.
Now I make a decision and accept it. I don't keep changing my mind, never sure if I am doing the right thing, going over and over and over it. And if I gave in and acted in a way that was not up to my standards, look out. Or, a little less dramatic but always constant, I would go over and over and over something trying to find the answer. I would be almost there and I would doubt myself and start it all over again. Now my mind is quiet. Now I determine the answer and let the rest go. Don't get me wrong, I am an analytical person and I will most likely always look at every possible answer and not commit myself to something that I am not comfortable with. However, if I don't find the answer instantly, I let it go and wait for the answer to come to me. And I don't beat myself up about it. I am good enough. I'm the girl who puts out her cheek.
