Well. Today was my last day as an employee of LUC. As I was making my pay cheque I was telling Saroja (the woman the temp agency sent to cover my desk) the terms of my employment with Joe, my compensation if you will. And I'm thinkin'... holy fuck! It's true. I believe it. Maybe I forget what it was like to have no money, perhaps I am romanticizing the whole situation but I'm, like, I don't care about money. I don't. I mean I do, obviously. I want nice things, I want a roof over my head but I am no longer prepared to bust my ass in a job that I hate going to every day. I want more. There was a time when I really loved my job but I don't anymore. There was something that I liked about being a bookkeeper - and then I realized that a really good idea would be to sit down and make note of all of the things that I have liked about my past jobs and see where it leads me. Such as: in the bank I loved, loved, loved the customers but HATED the bureaucracy. I'll get deeper into that another time... I just wanted make a note to remind myself.
So let's talk about Ian then. I never really did get into that whole story. It ended the same day that I quit my job. Damn that was a big day. Anyway, I had spent a lot of time with and talking to Ian when he was in the hospital. I stayed at his house and slept in his bed and got attached to Daisy all over again... I was feeling the feelings again and feeling them as someone who loved a man enough to take another shot at it. I know deep down I had my doubts and those doubts are what get me through the night right now, I know I had moved past him. He had had his place in the development of my world and I knew it was probably done but I wanted - needed - to check one more time, just in case. There was so many things that I loved about him. God, I had so much fun with him. I once thought that my inside was like his outside and his inside was like my outside. That's deep, that's love.
Anyway! To make a short story long (as I tend to do), I called him one day to see how he was doing. He told me that if I wanted to walk Daisy, the leash was there. And I guess I took that as a way for him to say that he wanted to see me. And Obviously I wanted to take Daisy for a walk so I hopped and skipped my way down to his house. He was lying down when I got there and Daisy and I had a nice walk. I love that dog. When we were walking home I was thinking that I would start the fire for him and leave if he was still in bed when we got there. But he was starting the fire. I sat down because he had pulled out the flyers for me (how could that not mean that he will love me forever?) and we were chatting and joking around. His cell phone rang, he got up and walked over to it, did not pick it up, came back to the couch and said "That was Linda". I said "Is Linda your girlfriend again?" Hardy har har. [Fuck, second time I got caught in that - when we were 16 Dave Parmiter said "I don't want to go out with you anymore" and I laughed and said "Ya, I don't want to go out with you either." Hardy har har.] Ian said "Yes." I said "She's your girlfriend?" "Yes." "You're serious. You are going out with Linda." "Yes." "You... but... you... sigh." I got up off of the couch, went in and waved to Daisy, laid his key on the counter, pulled on my jacket and said "See ya." He asked if I would still walk her. "Of course." I said. Of course.
On the way home I thought - you know what, I'm not going to be that girl again. I'm not going to be the supportive ex-girlfriend who holds on to the dogs, who goes to the Keg for meals with my ex and his new girlfriend, I'm not going to be the one who sleeps on their couch while they are away with their new dog. I'm not going to lose my dog bit by bit, in scent, in looks, in behaviour. No, I will not do it - it was too hard and it hurt too much and I was a fool (or an idiot) to do those things the first time. I will not do them again. So I sent him an email. Very nicely worded. Only one or two FUCK YOU YOU MOTHER FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!! Perhaps three.
Just kidding. This is what I wrote - it's got bite: "Actually, no... as much as I love Daisy, I think that your girlfriend should be the one that walks her for you. And it's finally time for me to let go of both of you. I have to say, I'm a little bit surprised. You were trying to get me into bed with you two days before your surgery and, here you are, back with the one who totally fucked you over two years ago. Or perhaps I shouldn't be surprised... you fucked me over in January so I guess you guys are perfect for each other. I only hope that the going doesn't get tough again... if I recall, that was when Linda got going the last time. Best of luck." I'm kind of proud of it. Oh I know but I needed to be a bitch. I needed to. I had to stand up for myself. And I was hurt. I was hurt. And I meant it.
The man is a super duper idiot mother fucking butt head. Seriously, who would go back with the woman who basically left him on his death bed before his kidney transplant. She started fucking her boss and left Ian to tend to her children. But, you know what? Maybe that's what he wants, maybe he realized that that's what he needs. And I do hope it works out for him, I do. I just don't want to be a part of it. That's okay. I'm not here to save anybody. Just me.
The funny thing is that I didn't want to get back with him, anyway. I wanted to explore the idea. I figured he wouldn't be dating right after his surgery and I didn't want to date anyone else anyway so I figured we would have time to see. I know he's not the one for me. I know that this weight is dropping off along with the crippling mental anguish (and don't think for a moment that I am exaggerating) and I will get someone who is what I am looking for. Ian and I had fun but we were not well suited for a long term relationship. And if he did want to try again last winter, that doesn't mean that he was able - or would ever be able - to get over the fact that I left him.
And leave him I did. I know I was running away. I know I was just taking myself down that road again. I needed one last time to see what I was doing. Just one more time to make me see. And I saw. It worked, it was worth it. It played out it's chapter in the life of me and it's time now to start the next chapter. And isn't it fun to have a page turner life again? The old "nobody loves me" stuff was getting stale - let's see some more action, some drama, some maturity and self awareness. Ah, finally. Ah, finally.
It hit me today. I am that person now. The epiphanies are pretty much gone and I am at peace. Now I get to be this person instead of that nut job. I get to be me.
