I have been thinking about a couple of things during the past hour... it was Earth Hour today at 8pm... I turned my lights off... did you?
The first thing is silly. It's silly and it feels silly but I guess silly is supposed to be okay now so I'll tell you all about it. On Wednesday (I think), I got an email from Ian saying that he had mail for me to pick up. I replied asking him to put it in his mail box and I'd come get it during lunch. I guess he didn't get the email in time and, when I got there, the box was empty and he wasn't home. And it was hard. My heart was racing and I was nervous and I didn't want to go there but what am I going to do? Not go to Duran Duran because I didn't want to see him? So I sent another email asking him to -
You know, I am going to stop right there. This is too silly... it's old me, not now me. I don't want to see him. I just really want to forget that he exists for a short little while until I get back into the groove of things in some solid manner. I saw him today and I was drawn to him and I don't want to be. Someday I won't be but right now I feel that avoidance is important to me moving on. [Oh, and remind me to never talk to my brother when I am stoned... he can't take it] And I had sent him an email telling him that I didn't want to see him because it was too fresh and he didn't get it obviously. Not before I got there, anyway. Part of me wonders if he has gotten it by now but it really doesn't matter.
The second thing is tied to the first... eating. I didn't eat an excessive amount of food today for how I used to eat but I did eat an excessive amount compared to what I eat now. And I ate when I didn't want to. I practically forced my self to eat when I was already full and just didn't want anything. That doesn't happen very often anymore. I think it used to be a kind of punishment for myself and a way to push people away. However, I do notice another trend. I eat when I am worked up over some man. And it's not that I expect myself to never over eat again nor do I expect to not get worked up. What I do expect is that I behave in moderation. And I expect to see it happen and stop it at that very moment every time so eventually it won't be an issue anymore. I've given up enough things to know my process. The only difference is that I won't beat myself up about it.
Okay, well, maybe I should have called this three things (too late to change the title now! lol).I have been thinking about the way I like to challenge people. I believe in them and I expect them to believe in themselves, too. But perhaps that is not the message that I am conveying. Maybe they don't want to be challenged. Maybe they think that the things that I say mean that I don't think they are good enough. I learned a lesson in first judgments of me yesterday. Rebecca told me that she didn't really like me when she first met me. That kind of surprised me because I liked her right away. She said that I came across very aggressive and set in my ways. I wonder if people are still getting me wrong.
I think that I am getting my true self across to people that I first meet now... for the most part, obviously, but people who are receptive to my smile and humor seem to get it. What can I do about the one's who don't get it other than feel sorry for them? But that's initial meetings and such... that I can do. It's long after that. When I get to know someone I always challenge them [Is that bad? Is that wrong? My ideal man is someone who feels challenged by me and who challenges me also] but maybe they don't have as much faith in themselves as I have. Like with Ian, I totally thought that he had what was needed to go upgrade his skills and get a job. I was very proud of him and tried to encourage him as much as I could. Did he feel that I was pushing him? Did he feel that I thought he wasn't good enough otherwise? [Am I over thinking things again? Most likely. But I want to learn from these things and to learn I need to explore and dissect and that's just who I am. And that's okay. lol How many times a day do I say that before it becomes second nature? As many as it takes, I guess, huh?]
Do I make people feel bad because I expect as much from them as I expect from myself? That is certainly not my intention. I see the good side of the world and of life, I just do, and I share that with people. But maybe they think that I am just preaching. I need to remember that this is my outlook, not theirs. I would like to choose Mr. Braun's path in that respect. I would like to be supportive and kind without being overbearing and obnoxious about it. I would like to offer my opinion when it is requested - and that does happen a lot - but I think that I should not push it in peoples face that they can do more. Perhaps that is where I am lacking in empathy... maybe people see the things that I say not as being empathetic with their plight but as a judgment that they are not good enough, not trying enough, not wanting it enough. Maybe they just don't want it. And maybe my telling them that I am disappointed in that isn't the best way to support someone.
I am different and I am proud of it; I want to be the best different that I can possibly be. But maybe I don't need to drag everyone else along, kicking and screaming. I will need to accept their view point. And accept that they will not always understand mine. And that's okay. lol
