I'm stuck again. Or perhaps I am coming out of it because I am at the point that I am ready to do something about it. What do I call the past two weeks? I was sick in bed for the first week - was I? I didn't want to go to work, I didn't want to go out, I didn't want to talk to anyone. But, see... this is so confusing. I wasn't depressed about anything, I wasn't crying, I wasn't feeling sad... I just didn't want. Perhaps I was just lazy. Anyway, that week went by and I didn't study or go to work or exercise or do any of the things that I am supposed to do. Okay, so I took a week off... no biggie. But then, during the second week, while I did go to work and I did what I absolutely HAD to do, I still didn't want. I skimmed my duties, I shuffled papers and played games online all week. Am I supposed to look for excuses? Yeah, I had to pick up Mom at the airport and that was pretty late so I didn't get much sleep; yes, I brought her to the ferry the next day but I left work as early as I could get away with and canceled plans with Fabian because I didn't feel like dealing with anything else that day. I still didn't study, I didn't exercise, I didn't go out, I did what I absolutely HAD to do and not a tiny, single thing more. I didn't even pass in my accounting quiz or go to my midterm on Saturday morning. What I did do is go down to Ian's on Thursday to visit with Daisy and had a puff puff pass. I almost almost almost stayed the night. I was super proud of myself for leaving but would I have left if it wasn't for my time of the month???
I guess what those personality profiles say is true: I hold myself up to extremely high standards. I think what the problem is is that, if I don't live up to those standards, I don't do anything. Was I feeling stressed and hiding from it? I have lots of work to do, my desk is flooding over with paper and here I am... typing away. I did have a realization a couple of weeks ago when I was super-hating Joe and that was that the things that he most pissed me off about were things that I should have done but didn't have done. High standards and extremely easy-going. Is it time to start lowering the standards that I expect of myself and be a little more hard-going?
But how do I lower my standards? Getting pissed off with the fact that I don't do everything that I expect of myself... will I not also get pissed off when I find that I am unable to lower my standards? Is it not my easy-going nature that let me off the hook when I somehow decided that I was not going to acheive all of the things that I expected myself to acheive? Then again, is constantly berating myself and feeling guilty and feeling like I should do more letting myself off the hook? Maybe I should listen to myself more. I know I should be doing my work right now. I know I should be studying. I know that I will regret it if I blow another course. I know that it's time to sign off here again and try to get my shit back together.
