I was just thinking... (ya, I know... that almost never happens!) maybe it's time to let myself off the hook. Maybe what I need to do to get past this is let it go. It's so frustrating. Am I not in control of myself? Does it have to be all or nothing? Can't I just be? Just be something in the middle? Maybe what I need to do to find myself is just stop looking?
Why do I make everything into such a big deal? Here's a theory under development... maybe I always thought a man would make it better because when I am in a relationship I don't have as much time to concentrate on my shit. Maybe I don't have to pressure myself to study every available minute of every day... because when I don't study constantly, I don't do it at all. Maybe I don't have to lose every single pound today... because if I am not dieting, I am pigging out. Maybe I don't have to find "the one" right now... because if I am not desperately in love, I am single. Maybe I don't have to get wasted every day... because if I am not sober, I am loaded. Maybe I do expect too much of myself... because if I don't have it all together, I am in a million little pieces. Maybe it's time to just let me be.
