I've been thinking a lot about what I wrote last night. That my happiness has always been dependent on making someone else happy. I think that's why I've always had so much trouble being alone. And also why I've always been attracted to the same type of man. The ones who were alone. the ones who would take and take and teak. The ones who could never love me - at least not the way I needed. Because I never loved me - at least not the way I needed. Sure, on the good days I always thought that I was a good person. Caring, generous, funny, not even too bad looking. But I don't think that I ever really loved me. I can't look int a mirror and say 'I love you'. Sometimes I can say 'yeah, yer okay'. Most of the time I just scowl. So, why not love? I'm deserving of love if I make someone else happy. If I buy them something. If I do a good deed. I guess to drive myself crazy trying to find something to buy Fabe. Something that wouldn't freak him out but would put a smile on his face. I always thought that it was because I was trying to make him love me but I think it was really because I was trying to feel justified in his caring about me. But it didn't work. Every time that I tried to push him away I would say 'it's okay that you can't love me' because I can't love me. And he couldn't love me. Because I couldn't let him. So why not? Why is it so easy for me to tell someone that I love them but I can't ell me? Why do I always feel that everyone else is justified in not loving me?

Dr. Gray is right - I do need to get a life. I need to learn to be okay with being with me. That's another thing that really came out with Fabe. I often felt like I had nothing to offer, nothing interesting to say. I think with Karl that never really came out because he was perfectly happy letting me shadow his life. Fabe wanted me to have my own. And I kind of thought that I did - when he was around. When he wasn't around I just spent my time waiting for him to come back. As I have spent this month. Not really wanting him to come back because I know that I need this but waiting for him to come back and love me so I can feel justified in loving myself.

And what about the weight? Crutch? Absolutely. I know that there are times that I use it to push people away. But I think it's more than that now. Habit? Comfort? Ah, we are back to love. It's okay if you don't want me. Look at me. How could you want me? The eating crap is a habit now. I'll always pick a bag of chips over a carrot. But, over all, I don't eat that bad. I don't even really enjoy a big greasy burger anymore. I think the main part right now is inactivity. Which is also a habit. It's not that I'm lazy, out of shape yes but not really lazy. I want to be out there. I want to swim and skate and ski and roller blade and hike and ride and camp and run. It's just not so fun to do it alone. And in looking for a man, I've always looked for someone who did those things, who could teach me. With Karl, it was things he 'used' to do that got me confused. All of the stories were very past tense. Kind of with Fabe, too, although not that far in the past. In the end he was getting back into all that outdoor stuff but I wasn't included.

It's funny, I keep thinking that by the time I get on with all of this, I'll be exactly the person he wanted me to be. But there's this funny little thought on the edge of my mind that, when I get on with all of this, he won't be the person that I want. but that's not really true. I think that I found the right person at the wrong time. Luckily for me, I don't believe that there is only one person for everyone. I do believe that, when I'm ready, I will find another right person. Just got to let go of Fabe in the mean time!

"RIGHT NOW SOMEONE IS WISHING FOR NOTHING MORE THAN WHAT YOU ALREADY HAVE"