Dearest Diary...
Ha! Ha! Yeah, here I am again. Starting another. Shred the old one - start a new one.
Okay, let's get right to the point. I miss Fabian. A month later and I still ache for him. But as many times as I wish he would call, there are just as many times that I'm glad he doesn't. Stacey asked me the other day if I regret breaking up with him (I guess she's tired of hearing his name!). And the answer is no. I don't regret breaking up with him. I am sad that it didn't work out and I love him so much still but ----
Whoa! That brought on a MAJOR Fabe-ache! Whew! They really suck! Luckily they don't last quite as long as they used to and, sober, I can stop myself from emailing him or driving by his house. Honestly, it's because I don't want to do anything to put this into a total state of disrepair. As if it's not already! But the fantasy of 'someday' burns eternal.
Okay, sorry - where was I? I don't regret breaking up with him. But it does bother me that it didn't work out because I really do think that we had something speical. At the same time, I know that this is what I really needed. It was being with someone so great for me that made me realize that something was wrong in my head.
It's so obvious to me now. I guess it always was but now I can name it, and work on it. It's still hard but the future seems bright. So many questions have been answered by this. So many days and nights of not feeling right, of being afraid of my own mind. Not that it's over. Not by a long shot. I've got quiet a road ahead of my but I really thing that I can get through this. PAST this. This that I once termed 'teenage angst' (at the tender age of 31!) but this that I now know is termed depression.
Dr. Gray has really helped me a lot. From the first session with him I have been more aware, seeing for the first time that there really are two sides of my brain that are working independently of each other, against each other. I have always been big on self improvement, looking for what was making me unhappy and changing it. It's just that now I realize that I was changing the wrong things.
