PASS!

Flying colors. Flying!

He said "you change your profile a lot" and that he likes it because he gets to learn more about me. I almost feel like I am now writing the profiles directly to him, telling him about me; wondering, as I get a little closer to really opening up, if the things I say make him like me a little more or a little less? And he asked about the chemistry test... lol... I'm blushing... I told him that he's already taking it - and getting pretty good marks so far, too!!! Brave. Bold. Kinda... me!

Test

No open ended questions on his last email... he said "I'll talk to you later". My old Fabian theory was that when he said that there would be no contact for a while/at all. We'll see. I gave him my email address on my last note to him... real casual like... he lost an email that timed out... but he messaged me on POF. He was charming, he made me smile but no open ended questions so no answers to reply with... I won't email him again unless I hear from him first.


Fuck I'm depressed. Not about this. In general. Sigh. I got to get my shit together. I know, I know... tell me something new.

Huh. Ah-ha. Ah-ha?

It just hit me. The only reason that I felt I was not worthy was that my parents told me that I was not worthy. I totally thought that I was worthy... when I was by myself. Not when there was anyone else around but, when I was alone, I was worthy. I just accepted it without question... as I do most everything else. I adapt. I always hated that about me. I was supposed to bitch and complain and I would fit in. And I did. And that's where the struggle came from.

First of all, when it came to men... wait. I'm getting off the topic. And this is what I'm talking about! Wow.

When it comes to worthiness, I think... omg, I'm too stoned and I'm getting ahead of myself. (Cool!) Hot damn. I love it when this happens. Although I'm getting better at believing that my down times are okay, I still struggle. And I think you're supposed to. I am finally understanding and accepting all of this new (which isn't really that new... but more about that in a minute!) wisdom, this clarity, this acceptance of who I am deep down.

So, in a nutshell, what I realized today is that I have always been like this. I have always been this person, I had this wisdom, this clarity, this ability to see things and say things that very few people are able to do. Most times it works out well, sometimes not and that's okay... because I am making an effort and that is all that I can do. I already believed this stuff but no one else was making the effort so I couldn't make the effort because I was supposed to do what they said. I was supposed to stand meekly by and be led. I didn't realize that I was a leader.

Okay, so I always thought that everyone thought just like me, right. I am now realizing that the main difference is that I'm a logical thinker. That's all there is to it. My whole fucking life, as it seems to turn out, has been extremely blessed and fucked up because the way I think, the way my brain processes things. I thought everyone else already knew this stuff and I was screaming, inside I was aching and dying and being tortured because I thought that everyone else knew this stuff and they weren't doing anything about it and because I am supposed to be like them then I'm not supposed to do anything about it. I wanted to.

I left my home and everything I knew and I drove across the country. Because I knew, deep deep down, that I wouldn't survive if I didn't leave. I was on my death bed almost every day and knew that I couldn't die so I had to leave so that I could live. (Whoa. That's pretty deep!) But the point is that I was deep and I was feeling so much, I wanted so much, I needed so much to be okay. I was different and I couldn't pretend to be the same anymore. I don't think that it was where I lived that made it so difficult, it was what I was learning. Maybe when I was a kid I was interested but I thought... I don't know. I was so afraid of it then.

Shit. Got carried away again. I was talking about logical thinking. a+b=c It's the most basic concept that I have ever known. When I learned it in math, I thought, of course it does, of course it equals c. I guess one of the main themes of this - even though I'm going a mile a minute and I can't think fast enough - I already knew it. This is not new knowledge. I think this knowledge was half the problem because I was tortured that no one else realized it - how could they not? It's so basic. It's c. If your fly is down, I'm going to tell you that your fly is down. I don't understand the concept of being polite in these situations! If my fly is down and everyone can see my pubes hanging out every where... I want someone - the very first person I see - to say hey, pal, your fly is down. It just is. How is that wrong. Am I calling you an idiot or something? Do I think that you are stupid because your fly is down? Or is it a fact that, if I don't tell you your fly is down, perhaps 100 other people will see that your fly is down. Is that not logical? Don't you think that one person pointing it out (one person who really doesn't care and doesn't think it's funny and would never make fun of you for it) is better than 100 people seeing it but not pointing it out? Am I getting my message across?

I have been thinking lately that the biggest change is possibly my ability to communicate how I feel. When I can explain it properly, it's easier for people to accept, I think. Hmmmm... this just knocked me off my feet so I think that I need to think about it for a while before I will be able to make any kind of sense of it. At ease, soldiers.

Lessons

When I start psyching myself out about the things that I wrote in my profile (because I always do!), instead of throwing up crappy one line generic crap, I am going to remember that horoscope. It's time to stop trying to blend in. I'm getting closer, I know I am... shit, I am doing fantastic... character. Even on the bad days, character is character.

And you know what else?? I only need one. I only need one person to reply. The right person. There can be a thousand wrong guys or there can be a thousand nobodies but at some point I will meet the right guy... it will take exactly the same amount of time, no matter what I do (I mean, you have to be proactive and out there, obviously), I can lay in bed under the covers or I can keep becoming the me that I want to be and trust that I will bump into him somewhere... I believe that it will happen... even if it takes another 20 years.

And at the same time, I can admit that I am ready, I want it to be soon but I refuse to be in a rush and pick someone just because I'm lonely. I am lonely but the feelings that I have right now aren't going to dictate the course of my life... I walked down that road. And we're talking winner's choice now... first you have to win. And now I can say that I want this, and get it, and believe that I can get it right. I'm not listening to that me anymore, the one who didn't believe. I'm gonna start chillin' with this new laid back winner chick and see what comes of it. (As scary as that prospect feels sometimes!!!!!)

This guy, Rob, that I have corresponded with a few times seems really nice... he's asking the right questions and telling me the right answers. Patience. Let's see. Maybe, maybe not. He has a seven year old son... I like that idea. I wonder why he has soul custody. I wonder if he will email me again. I wonder. And it's actually kinda fun! Why did I always try to skip this part? I guess because I know who I like when I like him and I don't beat around the bush. I've never had any idea what patience was. I never had any idea how fun this part would be! And I was always too busy trying to live in tomorrow that I forgot to appreciate today. Even with a big belly. Even now. Today... I'm here... this is me.

Compulsed

That's not actually a word... I checked. Do I care?

I've been watching this movie and struggling with a tremendous compulsion to go to McDonald's. Big Mac. Fries. Coke. It's so frustrating. Such a big part of me wants to go. I'm torn between tying myself to the couch and kicking my ass out the door. And, oddly, the part that is kicking is the part that I want to win. How's that now?

The little devil on my shoulder - the one that thinks some grease would be the bomb - is telling me all the reasons why I should. It's almost like it's the being good that is driving me crazy. No pot since Sunday. No inebriation of any kind since Sunday. Other than when I was visiting my parents... no, including when I was visiting my parents, I have not been without some form of drug or alcohol for this long in a very, sadly, surprisingly long time. I'm lazing about on the couch but there is something inside me that is hopping, bouncing, get me something, get me stoned, get me some food, get me something to take away this boredom. Not that I will put the energy to good use and work on my resume or figure out how I'm going to pay for all of the debt. That would be silly. That would be totally unlike me.

I'm scared. I am afraid that I am going to be this fat (or worse) for the rest of my life. I fear that I will not find a good job. I worry that this hole that I have been digging for myself will soon close in on me. Huh. I have this deep down underlying belief that everything will work out fine, this confidence in myself, in the world, in karma and yet all of the doubt that I see in people's eyes is starting to do me in.

And I want to get a Big Mac. Is that so wrong? Would that be so bad? I am bored and I am lonely and I am going crazy and I know that food won't help it... in the long run... instant gratification? Yes, for a moment it would help. Sigh.

Fabe et al

He showed. Mostly because of the chips? lol No, I know he cares about me; I care about him, too. And, as always, it was nice to have an in person visit to remind me of the things that I didn't care for too much. The story is always the same... he puts a bunch of his music and movie files on my computer (which is actually kinda sweet when you think about it but it used to irritate me like the dickens!), he tells me that I'm looking good (which sounds like a line but I like it anyway), we go to the restaurant for lunch and he proceeds to tell me what I should do with the rest of my life. Yes, he is trying to help but he doesn't like for me to have any input (and I just love love love people telling me what to do!). He is trying to save the world... I didn't really see that before. I always took the things that he said as criticism or controlling but I think he really wants to help... he just has a bit of trouble with presentation.

It was good to spend time with him again. He is not what I am looking for. He played an extremely important role in my life and in my getting my shit together but we are past that now. We are friends. And that's all we will ever be. And, of that, I am glad.

Well, I started creating my resume yesterday. I wonder what the future holds for me. This is kind of exciting... in the scariest possible way, of course. But what is really weird is this: apparently, if I were to fit in with 95% of the world, I should be looking for the best pay for the least amount of work, a dream job should be having absolutely nothing to do all day long. Don't get me wrong, I want the pay, but I want the work more. I want to exert myself. I love coming home pooped after a hard day at work. And no one seems to get that. Is it an attitude thing? Are they just saying that they want a boring albeit well-paying job because that's what everyone is supposed to want? Do I take other people's small talk to literally? And is that why small talk bores me so much? (or is it actually because I have had no life to speak of for the past 5 months so I don't have anything to say)

I am lonely, that much is true. I have never in my life wanted so much to have people around me. I guess I don't have the same need for alone time because I can be myself when other people are around now. Hmmm. Hmmmm. I'm bored... onto the next lame attempt to keep myself occupied. I want a job.

Lunch date

Fabe just left... we hung out for three hours. At first it seemed - huh, I don't know what to say. I'm glad I saw him, he's funny and entertaining but it was like going through the whole old process again. He comes in, shows me whatever new thing he's bought, sits at my computer and starts adding stuff to it without really checking to see if I want it (I'd most likely say yes anyway, though, I suppose!). After a while of talking to him, it just seems like he is trying to tell me what to do and run my life again. But I thank him for his opinion and send him on his way... and remember how grateful I am that I met him... and that we are no longer together.

The suspense is killing me

Fabe is supposed to visit tomorrow. Will he show? There is absolutely no way to be sure until he walks through the door. Of course, I brought his favorite Gross Chicken chips... oops, I mean Roast Chicken chips back with me from my trip and he said that he was online recently trying to find out if he could buy them anywhere here. His only downside of living on the other side of the country... chips. Yucky chips. I do hope to see him, though. He is one of the people in my life that I always, always enjoy talking to. Face to face visits sometimes cause a bit of discomfort (it's been two months, dude!) but he is in a committed relationship and attempts at getting it on - other than flirting, of course, cuz why even bother coming over! - are always discouraged and a total turn off. I think he was seeing her the last time we had sex (about a year ago, in between spurts with Ian) but I buried my head in the sand, claimed complete ignorance and that gets me off the hook. Now it would just be wrong.

Looks like that weird little torch that I have carried since the day I met him will never extinguish. I don't want it to. I put him on my 'maybe someday' list and carry on with my day.

If tomorrow never comes...

Do you know that old saying about how Monday never comes? Start the diet on Monday. Quit smoking on Monday. Weekend is going to be a blast because I have to do all of the eating and partying that I can do before Monday. Well, tomorrow is Monday.

Monday, end of the summer, back to life, back to reality. It's been nice. I have enjoyed this time off, this time of inner reflection, this time of learning to be myself. And I really think it's been good for me. I feel further ahead than I was in March when I quit my job... even thought I incurred/will incur about a minimum of $30,000. Actually, $20,000 because I owed $10,000 when I started. I guess I didn't really tone down on my spending too much. It lasted a week or two. Just like the eating healthy. Just like the exercise. But the one and only rule of the summer of 2008 was - whatever. Anything goes. Do it right. And do it. All the way.

I did. I let go of everything. My job, my attitude, my frustration; and I learned patience and tolerance and respect. I learned who I am and I learned who I want to be. I have set a new path in life for the first time since I was about 18 - which culminated on my 30th birthday. Since then I have been floundering, I have been sure and unsure of so many things, so many people, so many perspectives. It's almost as if I had to do everything exactly wrong so that I can finally get it right.

And I will get it right. I am excited. I am enthused! I am me now... I get to be me! And it's all on my shoulders. Whoever I end up becoming will be because I chose it, I worked for it, I earned it. I will not remain in a job that makes me weep inside just because I need to impress someone that I don't even know or care about. I will not dress, I will not speak, I will not act for anyone but me. The funny part of that is it's the reverse of my old "it's all about me" motto. It's about everyone else because the best part of me is the part that sees other people. I am the mediator, I mediate.

It's about accepting myself for who I am. It's about making the inside match the outside and the outside match the inside, because they were both confused... they just fed on each other. It's finally time to let habit become character. This is the part that I have been waiting for. And I am ready. Bring it on world!

Ex-boyfriend day

There's this strange, unexplainable phenomenon that happens every one or two months... I like to call it "ex-boyfriend day". For some reason, all of my ex-boyfriends seem to contact me on the same day. It is the weirdest thing... if one calls, they all call. Well, it's only been two in the past but I guess now Lyle is thrown into the mix.

So, perhaps I don't need to say this but Lyle came by today. He asked if I wanted to go to lunch and I said let's see... he told me this long story about how he was depressed (although he didn't use that word... he said he went into kind of a box) and didn't talk to anyone really for the last couple of months. His ex-wife moved to the island with their son, he lost his job, his cousin died - rough time, in general. And I can relate to that. I used to be a pro-hider-under-the-covers kind of person for many, many years. And the things that he told me were not a surprise. However, I told him that, while he did not and would never lose my friendship, he didn't seem to notice that I wasn't calling him, either. I told him about my discomfort over those conversations that he oddly forgot. I told him that it bothered me and made me not want to have conversations with him. I said that, right now, I want to just be friends and see what happens. And then we went to lunch.

I had fun with him. I like him. I like being around him. I don't know if I want it to go any further. He was quite respectful and silly, I laughed and had a good time. Long term? I don't know. Like I said, I want to see where it goes. I took a wee vow of celibacy in June and decided that I would not have sex again while I was 36. Well, my birthday is two months away. Will I stick to it? About that I am torn. Okay, about that I am horny. I haven't had sex since June. Not that the sex with Lyle was phenomenal. It was fine, I came and everything but, let's face it, I'm kind of easy to get off. I am setting myself on 'let's see' mode and I will just let the world unfold as it will.

As Lyle was coming upstairs, Ian called. I called him back later. We chatted. He's Ian. There is no attraction there anymore, really. I mean, when Brandon was here and he and I and Stacey went to visit Ian, I was so much more interested in Daisy than him but once or twice I missed snuggling into him. He has stinky pot now and I am kind of jonesin' cause I haven't had any for a few days. I called him back and told him that I wanted some but we didn't not connect. I am a wee bit drunked now because I drank a bottle of wine and a beer but alcohol is a downer and pot is an upper. Honestly, and obviously, I don't need either but I am sofa king bored I can't stand it!!!!!!!!!! I need something to occupy me or I will turn into an inebriated mess tout suite! (that's supposed to be french for right now but I don't remember how to spell it!!)

And then it was Fabian's turn. He called me no less than 6 times while I was away. I left him a message on Tuesday but his days off are Tuesday and Wednesday and he only calls when he is working. Sigh. I love him. He's Fabian. He's the one. He's taken. He doesn't want what I want. He's not the one for me. But he is the one. That's all I want to say right now.

Brandon

Well, my wonderful nephew, I had to send Ian a before and after picture of you - I couldn't help myself... remember his reaction to your green t-shirt? This will blow his mind!! I decided to send you a copy because I figured that it would persuade you to keep your new haircut... but once I saw the two pics together, I changed my mind.

I honestly think you look equally handsome with both haircuts; they are different but one look is no better than the other. (Why would I lie to you? If you weren't handsome, I would just say that you have a good personality!!!!!!) Look in the mirror again, mister... those eyes? Those curls? That little half smile? You are a good looking guy, Brandon... and don't ever let anyone make you believe otherwise... not even you. Especially not you (because, as far as I can see, you are the only one who doubts it).

One of life's great secrets is that, no matter what you do throughout your life, some people will love you and some people will hate you and most people will be somewhere in between - the trick is to figure out who you are and surround yourself with people who help you be that person. If who you are has long hair - grow it out; if that's the way you need it to be right now then let it be that way. And if you want to try short hair for a while, then show your handsome face and be proud. It is impossible to please everyone (especially in our family!) so just worry about pleasing you and trust that everything else will fall into place. Don't waste your life worrying about what you "should" do or what you "should" say or how you "should" look. What you "should" do is be at peace with who you are... and the length of your hair won't change that (although it does express it). Just look inside and figure out who you are right now and be that... and understand that you will grow and change and evolve when you are ready - not when everyone else is ready.

You are an amazing person, Brandon, and the people who care about you are aware of that... you don't have to prove it, you don't have to work at it, you are it! Remember to look for the good - listen to the people who care about you, listen to your friends, listen when people say good things about you... and try believing it for a change (just try... what do you have to lose?). This is trial and error time, this is when you get to try new things or go back to old things, this is when you learn about the world and figure out your place in it. This is mother-father-brother-sister grade 11, dude! Be who you are... just be who you are... that's how you will become who you want to be.

I think you are already pretty damned awesome... and you know I have good taste!!

Love you!! I miss you tons!
xxx

P.S. How do I add you to my Wii? Where do I find the number and how do I enter your number and what is your number and what the heck is taking you so long!! lol

P.P.S. And, one last point which I hope you already know but I will spell it out for you just in case - I am always, always, ALL WAYS here for you if you need to vent, if you need a shoulder, if you need an ear or some advice, anything. There is nothing - NOTHING - that you could ever say or do that will make me love you a tiny bit less. You are my people, Brandon (and it is not because we are family - that's just how we met), deep down inside we have a connection that will never weaken - no matter what!!

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A Poem... by me!

Food

You are with me when I'm happy
Even more so when I'm sad
You're a pat on the back when I do a good deed
My repentance when I've been bad

I sacrificed my body for you
I empowered you through spite
I pretended we had a love affair
But all we did was fight

I needed so much to trust you
That I surrendered my heart and soul
But the comfort that you gave to me
Turned into complete control

Now I am your prisoner
Chained to this self- prophesied fate
But I will conquer you one day
My strength will come from hate

Whew!

Well, I'm back. I made it. I survived. Barely! Just kidding. Overall I would have to say that it was a good trip (like I said, I sometimes turn this into a place to complain but there was lots of good times, too!). I learned a lot more about my family, my parents in particular; and I learned a lot more about myself and who I am trying to be. And I left my glasses in the stupid Toronto airport!! [I swear to god, I am standing there, in the bathroom stall, thinking, as I take the glasses off, that haha, wouldn't it be funny if I leave them here, I pee, I wipe, I zip, I wash, I leave. Next thing I know, I'm belted into my seat in the last row of the plane, watching the final passengers settle in for the long flight and I think 'hmmm... something is missing... crap'. I also threw $50 in the garbage and burnt my arm but we'll leave those stories for another day.]

Another story is that I received two notes from Lyle (he must have stuffed them in my door while I was away and my neighbor held them for me)... the first one goes a little like this:

Bev, I have come by now 5 times to talk to you face to face about what has happened to me since I last saw you in June. I had every intention of returning your DVD's, I was just looking for a time and place so I could see you, sorry about the wait. Please call me at 555-555-5555 (except he gave his actual number!) so I can at least tell you my side of the story. BELIEVE ME! You did nothing wrong, I had a lot happen to me in the middle of June, again it was about me not you, I totally did the wrong thing and did not talk to you about it. Again please forgive me Bev, if there is anything I can at least get from you hopefully is your friendship. Lyle. P.S. I miss you, you are a great person and never did anything wrong to me!!

And here's the second:

To: Bev, I have tried now 6 times to contact you, hopefully you received my letter. I have been looking everywhere for your phone number, I have lost it! Please call or email a.s.a.p. I would like to talk to you! Lyle. 555-555-5555 (this time that's the number that he wrote down... just kidding)

So I called him. Left a message that I would be out tonight but I wouldn't mind getting together tomorrow or Thursday if he wanted to talk. What's the worst that could happen? I am fine without him. I liked him but there were little red flags. And I liked him, I felt that we were looking for the same things. Did I want to find those things with him? I didn't know him long enough to figure that out but it sure seemed promising. And I will be maintaining my celibacy until after my birthday. That is a promise that I made to myself and I am going to keep that promise. I will not let myself down and then maybe I will learn to not let others down. I will parent me if no one else is willing or able to do a thorough job of it!!!

I really think that most men find it difficult to be with me at first and pull back - maybe that's why I always stayed on defense, I didn't have enough patience to let them pull back and trust that they would return. Or not, but if they didn't return I would be moved on from them anyway. Part of my dueling personalities... ever sitting on the fence - just in case.

No Wonder

Well, I am just over half way through my second week of visiting with my parents/family and all I can say is no fucking wonder. No wonder I have been so messed up for so long. I don't even know if I can express myself right now - it is lunchtime on Saturday and I have been sick since Thursday night. Cramping/some vomiting/explosive diarea. Ask me how many times they have inquired about my well being. Come on, just ask. Nonce. Seriously, not once did my mother say "how are you feeling, darling?" "Can I help you in any way?" Go fuck yourself. Nothing. She did, however, worry about herself. She did complain about something that my young foster brother, Leonard, did. She did pour herself yet another drink. She did come into my room (I am in the spare bedroom where her computer is) to get something... didn't even look at me, lying in the bed. No wonder I have spent a lifetime of feeling worthless and invisible. No wonder I am so fucking fucked up. No wonder.

All I want to do in the whole world right now is pack my bags and take a cab to the airport. And I probably would except it's Debra's birthday tomorrow, party tonight.

The fam

Visiting the family for a couple of weeks. It seems like I only come on this blog to bitch but these people are fucking driving me nuts. Is it okay that I don't like my family? But that's not true... I love them, very much... but they irritate me like nobody's business. I am near tears constantly. Pick, pick, bug, bug... can't do anything right. Ever. No wonder I grew up such a mess. I've spent the past year trying to undo the damage that they did to me and I've been here for one week and...

sigh. Story of my life... two steps forward, one step back. Except it feels more like one step forward, ten steps back. Am I being too sensitive? Can I fucking go home now and just love them from afar???????

iTunes

A couple of weird little observation here for a moment... I am downloading all of my music collection onto my NEW COMPUTER and iPod and thinking... as usual...

+ I love music. No, I LOVE music. Seriously, I honestly feel that music pulled me through some seriously rough times, both as a teenager and again in recent years (especially this past year!). I finally realized that it's the music that takes me away. I can let go with music and, until recently, music was the only way that I could let go. I have music for every mood, every situation. No wonder I hated Karl so much... I barely listened to music back then. Anyways, I put my music listening into three separate sections: 1. new stuff that I want to listen to as a secondary task, usually when working or doing puzzles. I don't know the words so I get sidetracked less... I love to sing. 2. stuff that I am learning and I want to listen to over and over and over until any normal person would be seriously sick of it but I can sing every word, for the rest of my life because it's in there so deeply. And 3. what I call chillin' music, when the listening is mostly the primary task but there sometimes is secondary stuff going on like cooking supper. This is where the stuff that I have graduated from goes. Ah, chillin' music.

Anyway, why did I just tell you all that? I'm not totally sure but I do think that it has something to do with the fact that I was thinking that my iPod has given me the soundtrack to my life. It's like I have my own radio station that is tuned into my world - and only songs that I like will play!!!

Huh?

I keep thinking about Fabian. I know, I'm just horny. Just nesting; looking for a mate. Mostly horny at this point. lol But Fabe is not the one for me, I know that. I want children, I want a family life, I want to be with someone who is looking for the same thing. I need this. It is the rest of my life plan.

I was doing some puzzles yesterday and suddenly thought that it would be funny to do my backward countdown to see if I am on track... I don't want to rush into this because all me eggs is dried up! So, I would like to have a child at about 40. Two kids I think: one to mow the lawn and a spare. Hyuk! Hyuk! If I give birth at 40, I will need to be pregnant mid to late 39, want to know the guy for a year before so that brings me to 38. Got to meet the guy after probably meeting bunches of guys that don't work out. I'm months away from 37... I think I am right on track! And I have time to become sexy and start my financial empire. Perfect. >.<

Evolution evolves! Part 2

*** Okay, this time I just have to tell you what the personality profile said because it's the one that I want it to be - FINALLY!! It's weird though, some of the scores that I smirked at the first time (and was thankful for a turn around during subsequent tests) are back close to the first test but they don't bother me anymore. Ah, part of the evolution. ***


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You are a Benevolent Director.

about you

YOU ARE A DIRECTOR

* As a DIRECTOR, you combine an unusual openness and passion for beauty and style with confidence and a down-to-earth sensibility that allow you to realize your vision.
* You are practical and pay attention to the details that others tend to miss.
* By focusing on what is real and concrete, you achieve more than those who always have their heads in the clouds.
* When it comes to what really matters in your life, you are confident in your ability to succeed.
* Having beautiful things in your life gives you pleasure and satisfaction - you have a keen eye for style.
*Even when problems present themselves, deep down you know you will overcome these challenges.
* When routines get too familiar, you become bored and start looking for ways to spice things up.
*You are open to new types of experiences - you are not afraid to take a risk on something new.
* You have a highly developed sense of taste - you know what looks good on you, in your home and in the world at large.
* Your independent streak allows you to make decisions efficiently and to trust your instincts.
* You are balanced in your approach to problem-solving, not letting your emotions hold you up.
* You have a strong sense of style and value your personal presentation - friends may even seek your style advice from time to time.
* Generally, you believe that you control your life, and that external forces only play a limited role in determining what happens to you.

If you want to be different:
Occasionally let yourself dream a little more, even if it doesn't seem practical or efficient.


how you relate to others

YOU ARE BENEVOLENT

* You are a great person to interact with - understanding, giving and trusting - in a word, Benevolent.
* You don't mind being in social situations, as you feel comfortable enough with people to be yourself.
* Your caring nature goes beyond a basic concern: you take the time to understand the nuances of people's situations before passing any sort of judgment.
* You're a good listener, and even better at offering advice.
* You're concerned with others at both an individual and societal level you sympathize with the plights of troubled groups and you can care about people you've never met.
* Considering many different perspectives is something at which you excel, and you appreciate the quality in others.
* Other people's feelings are important to you and you're good at meditating disputes.
* Because of your understanding and patience you tend to bring out the best in people.

If you want to be different:
You spend a lot of time taking care of others, but don't forget to take care of yourself!
Sometimes you get over committed and when you sacrifice spending time with those close to you it can make them feel unimportant.

Evolution evolves!

I periodically do these personality tests online... I find the feedback very informative and it really showed me some areas of my personality that I was not aware of - and really worked to change. So, every now and then I do the test again to see how well all of my work is paying off. And today I am very proud of my progress! [FYI: My openness, empathy and trust in others scores knocked me on my ass the first time!!]



*** I copied this directly from an entry in May and have added my new scores. [Holy moley! (I'm learning to not swear!! I think I'm better than that. I mean I started swearing because I thought it was funny - I would Mother Fucker at the simplest things and then laugh my ass off... problem is, eventually it became my language in everyday conversation so I decided it's time for an adjustment!) How exciting! What evolution! Progress. This report made me smile more than any other. This is me.] ***




Confidence
JUL07, 78 ~ JAN08, 86 ~ MAR08, 88 ~ MAY08, 92 ~ JUL08, 94 ~ FEB09, 94 ~ JAN10, 92

Openness (to new experiences)
JUL07, 6 ~ JAN08, 8 ~ MAR08, 4 ~ MAY08, 44 ~ JUL08, 42 ~ FEB09, 66 ~ JAN10, 56

Extroversion
JUL07, 94 ~ JAN08, 94 ~ MAR08, 88 ~ MAY08, 80 ~ JUL08, 78 ~ FEB09, 94 ~ JAN10, 80

Empathy
JUL07, 4 ~ JAN08, 32 ~ MAR08, 10 ~ MAY08, 36 ~ JUL08, 54 ~ FEB08, 34 ~ JAN10, 6

Trust in Others
JUL07, 56 ~ JAN08, 58 ~ MAR08, 48 ~ MAY08, 92 ~ JUL08, 60 ~ FEB09, 94 ~ JAN10, 92

Agency (belief that you determine outcomes, not god or fate)
JUL07, 88 ~ JAN08, 76 ~ MAR08, 76 ~ MAY08, 58 ~ JUL08, 82 ~ FEB09, 62 ~ JAN10, 80

Masculinity
JUL07, 66 ~ JAN08, 56 ~ MAR08, 52 ~ MAY08, 30 ~ JUL08, 72 ~ FEB09, 44 ~ JAN10, 62

Femininity
JUL07, 6 ~ JAN08, 14 ~ MAR08, 22 ~ MAY08, 48 ~ JUL08, 24 ~ FEB09, 54 ~ JAN10, 38

Spontaneity
JUL07, 48 ~ JAN08, 36 ~ MAR08, 64 ~ MAY08, 80 ~ JUL08, 76 ~ FEB09, 84 ~ JAN10, 90

Attention to Style
JUL07, 58 ~ JAN08, 82 ~ MAR08, 92 ~ MAY08, 82 ~ JUL08, 86 ~ FEB09, 80 ~ JAN10, 88

Authoritarianism (adherence to social order)
JUL07, 88 ~ JAN08, 64 ~ MAR08, 44 ~ MAY08, 40 ~ JUL08, 36 ~ FEB09, 16 ~ JAN10, 4

Earthy/Imaginative
JUL07, 100 ~ JAN08, 96 ~ MAR08, 98 ~ MAY08, 92 ~ JUL08, 88 ~ FEB09, 86 ~ JAN10, 70

Aesthetic/Functional
JUL07, 94 ~ JAN08, 22 ~ MAR08, 34 ~ MAY08, 46 ~ JUL08, 4 ~ FEB09, 54 ~ JAN10, 56

Email to my older sister

Hi sister!

I was just thinking about our conversation today and I wanted to comment a little deeper. I think I found a better way to explain what I was trying to say about figuring out why I had Dad's little habit of being short with people and whatnot...

Like I was saying, I really saw that behavior in myself when I was with Karl and Fabian... Karl irritated me and fought with me, Fabe would get flabbergasted and leave (which is why we stopped and started so many times, I guess). I would just be a bitch and I couldn't figure out why... the things that came out of my mouth weren't the things that I really felt, some days I was just impossible to be around and there was nothing anyone could do to appease me. It was one of the things that I thought was taken care of with the depression realization/medication.

But then I got together with Ian and it started again. And, again, I chalked it up to the messed up brain and pretty much accepted that some days I would just have to lose it... that's just who I was and I told Ian that he couldn't handle me because I could get so difficult and he was such a softy that he wouldn't fight back or leave... he would sit there and take it and try to make it all better and, in doing so, only made it worse. I decided that I would rather be alone and happy than be with someone and hate my own guts because I was such a bitch.

I honestly felt that most people agreed with me, too. Sure, the ones who loved me always loved me but the ones that didn't have to love me didn't love me. (haha! does that make sense at all??) Basically, I entered every relationship - romantic and other wise - with my back up, thinking that it was only a matter of time before they realized that I was impossible to be around and walked away. I was totally charming in the beginning and people really responded to it, and as soon as I reeled them in I started pushing them away. I looked for them to get pissed off or irritated with me and, as soon as I saw any sign of that, I walked.

Then I realized that I was going in the same direction as those in our bloodline that have gone before us and I had to put my foot down. That was not the life that I wanted so I started asking one question constantly - why. You have no idea how much time and thought I have put into this... it's been a long, difficult road but holy shit... my whole world has changed in ways that I didn't even imagine.

Firstly, I realized that I cared more about how strangers perceived me than my own family and friends. The absolute charm that oozed from me around people that I didn't know, always worrying about what strangers were thinking about me and assumed the worst. Then I turned that coin around and realized that I projecting the things that I felt about myself onto others. I remember saying to Ian at the end a couple of months ago that, if he thought that I was mean to him, he should hear the things that I said to myself.

And I started listening to the things that I said to myself and I questioned them. I realized that I was practically constantly telling myself off. I didn't go to the gym and I was bad because of that. I planned to do all of my chores after work (for example) and then I didn't feel like doing them. If I called you and said that, what would you say to me? You would say 'whatever', right? 'It's no big deal, Bev, you'll do it tomorrow or the next day. Every thing is going to be just fine... chill out, you deserve it.'

Am I right? Now... what would you say to yourself in the same situation????? I would feel bad for not doing something that I should have done. How lazy am I? That stuff was supposed to be done a month ago... two months ago I told myself that it would be done in a month and I didn't do it, it's still not done. Because I'm lazy. Because I never get anything done. Because I can't do anything right. Because I suck. That's what I used to say to myself. Now I say 'it's not big deal, Bev, you'll do it tomorrow or the next day and everything is going to be just fine'. And it is! It's fine. Me not kicking myself in the ass didn't get stuff done, it just made me feel bad about stuff not being done. And now? The stuff still isn't done... and it's fine. If it needed to be done it would be done.

We are so supportive of each other. Always looking to say the right thing to make the other feel better. We need to say it to ourselves.


*** OMG! Need sleep! It's almost 4am and I told Brandon that I was going to bed early so I would get up early tomorrow... oops!

And then I started - intentionally, deliberately - talking to me the way I would talk to someone that I cared about. How funny is that? I taught myself to talk to myself as if I was talking to you or Stacey or someone that I loved... and I supported me and I said way to go and I said you can do it. Over and over - until I believed it.

The weirdest side effects have come out of this. I learned to love me and believed that I was good and worthy and I stopped caring what anyone else thought. And I am nice now - nice to others because I am nice to me. For example, if I don't do the dishes after supper, I don't beat myself up about it. If