Well, here I am... sitting here waiting for him again! Just over an hour late for the supper that I made him. Why do I bother? I'm really starting to wonder. I know he just got home from work. Well, he as home at 8 when I was talking to him. Just going to run in and change clothes and I'll be right over, he said. Guess he can't find anything to wear. And I know that he wants to talk to his friends about his day but - he's so inconsiderate! It amazes me! Over and over, it amazes me. By the time he gets here I'm usually so pissed off from waiting so long. Then he saunters in like he owns the place and stays long after I've been wanting to go to bed. I guess I should stop inviting him over during the week. I know I should because this is really getting to me.

It's easy enough to say that I should just let the Fabe thing work itself out. All it's doing is driving me up the wall these days. I even tried saying that I would not look at him as a long term thing, just as a casual boyfriend. Not working. When things are good, I think that I love him a million times a day. When things aren't good, I want to wash my hands of it all. And lately, things aren't good. I want to wash my hands of it all. And lately things aren't good a lot more than they are.

That's something that really bothers me, you know, the fact that when I'm unimpressed with him I want to walk away from the whole deal. When I'm enjoying him, I think that this could be forever and I'll never doubt him again but as soon as something bothers me, I automatically think that I would rather just forget the whole thing. Is that right? Will it always be like that? No matter who I'm with? I know Mom still talks like that sometimes. AFTER 36 YEARS? How is that right? Is that what I have to look forward to? I know that Fabe is just like Dad. So I get to spend 30 years putting up with his shit? Mom says that Dad hardly ever gets like that anymore. Hardly ever? WHAT AM I DOING???????

See what I mean? I was just about to call and tell him not to bother coming over and he called and said that he was on his way. I told him that I was just about to call and tell him not to bother and as soon as he apologized I'm all, well, it's no big deal. At least he was apologetic for a change. I do understand that he was hyper after his first day at work and wanted to talk about it with his friends but he goes overboard. At least I didn't back down. When he asked if he could sleep over. Maybe someday he'll learn to thing of me, too. Maybe someday I'll get used to the fact that he doesn't. But is that what I want? Is that enough? Only time will tell I guess.