Once more - for old times sake!

Well, I said before that I figured I was over the huge life-changing epiphanies but apparently there are a few little mini ones left over... epiphs, if you will.

I was talking to Tom last night and, quite frankly, he was getting on my nerves. The man is so set in his ways and cannot see past himself. I was even thinking about it today because I never really noticed that about him... or maybe never really noticed it was odd. Maybe he's the way I was - not accepting anyone else's perspective but my own and then only after it was hammered into me. Fabian used to get a real charge out of it. Ha! It was almost entertainment to him. I can see what he was saying now. Tom and Andrew were having this huge albeit light-hearted argument during Easter about whether an Aspirin a day is beneficial or not. Perhaps I should also add that Andrew is a pharmacist and that at least 4 out of tom's 5 family members take it every day. We are not blood related but for consensus.

And then I realized - that's how people used to see me, I think. Nice and fun to be around but a bit of an ass. Holy shit... that makes perfect sense. I think I get it now. Wow. I think I get it.

Two things...

I have been thinking about a couple of things during the past hour... it was Earth Hour today at 8pm... I turned my lights off... did you?

The first thing is silly. It's silly and it feels silly but I guess silly is supposed to be okay now so I'll tell you all about it. On Wednesday (I think), I got an email from Ian saying that he had mail for me to pick up. I replied asking him to put it in his mail box and I'd come get it during lunch. I guess he didn't get the email in time and, when I got there, the box was empty and he wasn't home. And it was hard. My heart was racing and I was nervous and I didn't want to go there but what am I going to do? Not go to Duran Duran because I didn't want to see him? So I sent another email asking him to -

You know, I am going to stop right there. This is too silly... it's old me, not now me. I don't want to see him. I just really want to forget that he exists for a short little while until I get back into the groove of things in some solid manner. I saw him today and I was drawn to him and I don't want to be. Someday I won't be but right now I feel that avoidance is important to me moving on. [Oh, and remind me to never talk to my brother when I am stoned... he can't take it] And I had sent him an email telling him that I didn't want to see him because it was too fresh and he didn't get it obviously. Not before I got there, anyway. Part of me wonders if he has gotten it by now but it really doesn't matter.

The second thing is tied to the first... eating. I didn't eat an excessive amount of food today for how I used to eat but I did eat an excessive amount compared to what I eat now. And I ate when I didn't want to. I practically forced my self to eat when I was already full and just didn't want anything. That doesn't happen very often anymore. I think it used to be a kind of punishment for myself and a way to push people away. However, I do notice another trend. I eat when I am worked up over some man. And it's not that I expect myself to never over eat again nor do I expect to not get worked up. What I do expect is that I behave in moderation. And I expect to see it happen and stop it at that very moment every time so eventually it won't be an issue anymore. I've given up enough things to know my process. The only difference is that I won't beat myself up about it.

Okay, well, maybe I should have called this three things (too late to change the title now! lol).I have been thinking about the way I like to challenge people. I believe in them and I expect them to believe in themselves, too. But perhaps that is not the message that I am conveying. Maybe they don't want to be challenged. Maybe they think that the things that I say mean that I don't think they are good enough. I learned a lesson in first judgments of me yesterday. Rebecca told me that she didn't really like me when she first met me. That kind of surprised me because I liked her right away. She said that I came across very aggressive and set in my ways. I wonder if people are still getting me wrong.

I think that I am getting my true self across to people that I first meet now... for the most part, obviously, but people who are receptive to my smile and humor seem to get it. What can I do about the one's who don't get it other than feel sorry for them? But that's initial meetings and such... that I can do. It's long after that. When I get to know someone I always challenge them [Is that bad? Is that wrong? My ideal man is someone who feels challenged by me and who challenges me also] but maybe they don't have as much faith in themselves as I have. Like with Ian, I totally thought that he had what was needed to go upgrade his skills and get a job. I was very proud of him and tried to encourage him as much as I could. Did he feel that I was pushing him? Did he feel that I thought he wasn't good enough otherwise? [Am I over thinking things again? Most likely. But I want to learn from these things and to learn I need to explore and dissect and that's just who I am. And that's okay. lol How many times a day do I say that before it becomes second nature? As many as it takes, I guess, huh?]

Do I make people feel bad because I expect as much from them as I expect from myself? That is certainly not my intention. I see the good side of the world and of life, I just do, and I share that with people. But maybe they think that I am just preaching. I need to remember that this is my outlook, not theirs. I would like to choose Mr. Braun's path in that respect. I would like to be supportive and kind without being overbearing and obnoxious about it. I would like to offer my opinion when it is requested - and that does happen a lot - but I think that I should not push it in peoples face that they can do more. Perhaps that is where I am lacking in empathy... maybe people see the things that I say not as being empathetic with their plight but as a judgment that they are not good enough, not trying enough, not wanting it enough. Maybe they just don't want it. And maybe my telling them that I am disappointed in that isn't the best way to support someone.

I am different and I am proud of it; I want to be the best different that I can possibly be. But maybe I don't need to drag everyone else along, kicking and screaming. I will need to accept their view point. And accept that they will not always understand mine. And that's okay. lol

Last Day

Well. Today was my last day as an employee of LUC. As I was making my pay cheque I was telling Saroja (the woman the temp agency sent to cover my desk) the terms of my employment with Joe, my compensation if you will. And I'm thinkin'... holy fuck! It's true. I believe it. Maybe I forget what it was like to have no money, perhaps I am romanticizing the whole situation but I'm, like, I don't care about money. I don't. I mean I do, obviously. I want nice things, I want a roof over my head but I am no longer prepared to bust my ass in a job that I hate going to every day. I want more. There was a time when I really loved my job but I don't anymore. There was something that I liked about being a bookkeeper - and then I realized that a really good idea would be to sit down and make note of all of the things that I have liked about my past jobs and see where it leads me. Such as: in the bank I loved, loved, loved the customers but HATED the bureaucracy. I'll get deeper into that another time... I just wanted make a note to remind myself.

So let's talk about Ian then. I never really did get into that whole story. It ended the same day that I quit my job. Damn that was a big day. Anyway, I had spent a lot of time with and talking to Ian when he was in the hospital. I stayed at his house and slept in his bed and got attached to Daisy all over again... I was feeling the feelings again and feeling them as someone who loved a man enough to take another shot at it. I know deep down I had my doubts and those doubts are what get me through the night right now, I know I had moved past him. He had had his place in the development of my world and I knew it was probably done but I wanted - needed - to check one more time, just in case. There was so many things that I loved about him. God, I had so much fun with him. I once thought that my inside was like his outside and his inside was like my outside. That's deep, that's love.

Anyway! To make a short story long (as I tend to do), I called him one day to see how he was doing. He told me that if I wanted to walk Daisy, the leash was there. And I guess I took that as a way for him to say that he wanted to see me. And Obviously I wanted to take Daisy for a walk so I hopped and skipped my way down to his house. He was lying down when I got there and Daisy and I had a nice walk. I love that dog. When we were walking home I was thinking that I would start the fire for him and leave if he was still in bed when we got there. But he was starting the fire. I sat down because he had pulled out the flyers for me (how could that not mean that he will love me forever?) and we were chatting and joking around. His cell phone rang, he got up and walked over to it, did not pick it up, came back to the couch and said "That was Linda". I said "Is Linda your girlfriend again?" Hardy har har. [Fuck, second time I got caught in that - when we were 16 Dave Parmiter said "I don't want to go out with you anymore" and I laughed and said "Ya, I don't want to go out with you either." Hardy har har.] Ian said "Yes." I said "She's your girlfriend?" "Yes." "You're serious. You are going out with Linda." "Yes." "You... but... you... sigh." I got up off of the couch, went in and waved to Daisy, laid his key on the counter, pulled on my jacket and said "See ya." He asked if I would still walk her. "Of course." I said. Of course.

On the way home I thought - you know what, I'm not going to be that girl again. I'm not going to be the supportive ex-girlfriend who holds on to the dogs, who goes to the Keg for meals with my ex and his new girlfriend, I'm not going to be the one who sleeps on their couch while they are away with their new dog. I'm not going to lose my dog bit by bit, in scent, in looks, in behaviour. No, I will not do it - it was too hard and it hurt too much and I was a fool (or an idiot) to do those things the first time. I will not do them again. So I sent him an email. Very nicely worded. Only one or two FUCK YOU YOU MOTHER FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!! Perhaps three.

Just kidding. This is what I wrote - it's got bite: "Actually, no... as much as I love Daisy, I think that your girlfriend should be the one that walks her for you. And it's finally time for me to let go of both of you. I have to say, I'm a little bit surprised. You were trying to get me into bed with you two days before your surgery and, here you are, back with the one who totally fucked you over two years ago. Or perhaps I shouldn't be surprised... you fucked me over in January so I guess you guys are perfect for each other. I only hope that the going doesn't get tough again... if I recall, that was when Linda got going the last time. Best of luck." I'm kind of proud of it. Oh I know but I needed to be a bitch. I needed to. I had to stand up for myself. And I was hurt. I was hurt. And I meant it.

The man is a super duper idiot mother fucking butt head. Seriously, who would go back with the woman who basically left him on his death bed before his kidney transplant. She started fucking her boss and left Ian to tend to her children. But, you know what? Maybe that's what he wants, maybe he realized that that's what he needs. And I do hope it works out for him, I do. I just don't want to be a part of it. That's okay. I'm not here to save anybody. Just me.

The funny thing is that I didn't want to get back with him, anyway. I wanted to explore the idea. I figured he wouldn't be dating right after his surgery and I didn't want to date anyone else anyway so I figured we would have time to see. I know he's not the one for me. I know that this weight is dropping off along with the crippling mental anguish (and don't think for a moment that I am exaggerating) and I will get someone who is what I am looking for. Ian and I had fun but we were not well suited for a long term relationship. And if he did want to try again last winter, that doesn't mean that he was able - or would ever be able - to get over the fact that I left him.

And leave him I did. I know I was running away. I know I was just taking myself down that road again. I needed one last time to see what I was doing. Just one more time to make me see. And I saw. It worked, it was worth it. It played out it's chapter in the life of me and it's time now to start the next chapter. And isn't it fun to have a page turner life again? The old "nobody loves me" stuff was getting stale - let's see some more action, some drama, some maturity and self awareness. Ah, finally. Ah, finally.

It hit me today. I am that person now. The epiphanies are pretty much gone and I am at peace. Now I get to be this person instead of that nut job. I get to be me.

What is it?

So? What is it? What's different? I go around and say before I was like this, and I used to be like that, I'm free, etc, etc, etc. But what's different? And don't get me wrong, I am free. Without a doubt... I can handle anything... I can even handle being me... the good and the bad... showing my feelings... risking hurt and loving life.

For instance, Ken wanted to kiss me last night. He was shy and he was drunk and he wanted a good night kiss... and most likely more. And I gave him my cheek. Before, I probably would have felt awkward and not done anything - most likely ignore him - or, going back even further, I would have gotten drunk with him and fucked him - lying on my back, eyes wide open, moaning at all the right times and just waiting for it to be over. Not really something to brag about either way, huh? I am now the girl who gives him her cheek. And smiles and says goodnight. And means it! Before I would have avoided him completely after that, whether it turned out that we had sex or not, I would have been nervous and absolutely convinced that I was a bad person and that I totally understand why he doesn't like me at all anymore. How could he, right? Why would he? Wow. And that taught me nothing but to hate myself more. Oh, wait! Get this... I also did it with girls. To a lesser degree because I think we share our feelings more but I did. If I didn't hear from them it meant that they didn't want to hear from me. If there was a cross word or a disagreement it was over. I'm walkin' away. How easily I accepted that no one liked me when I was the one who really didn't like me. Fuck them anyway, right? Who needs 'em? Ha!

So, what is different, you ask? For one thing, I want to be me. I want to be the person that I always suppressed. I want to be the girl that holds out her cheek, be the girl that people want to talk to, see myself through their eyes and realize that I am good. I want people to enjoy being around me. I want to enjoy being around them again. I wonder if I ever really did enjoy being around people. Well, of course I did but while I was with them I always made up my own version of what was happening between the lines. And I think that I would spend most of my time not only talking about myself but telling people how wonderful I was. The funny thing is that I think most people thought I was wonderful and me trying to sell myself only made them think less of me. But, here I am again, making up my own version of the truth that might be absolutely right or absolutely wrong. At the same time, I do have to go with my instincts. I know that some people got frustrated with me. And some people didn't. And some people thought that I was the best thing since sliced bread... the whole wheat kind. What is different is --- that's okay. All of those reactions are just fine because I cannot control another person's opinion of me. And, if I can't control other people's opinion, then why not let out some of the things that I was always afraid would be a turn off. Why not be me... the most authentic version of myself that I can be. If, no matter what I do, some people will like me and some people won't and some people won't care one way or the other, then why the hell not just be me?

You know that day that I wrote about letting myself off the hook was a breakthrough day. I had no idea - no idea - that I was constantly badgering myself like I was. Nothing I did was ever good enough for me. I let everyone else get away with everything and let me get a way with nothing. I wasn't fast enough, I was in the way, I was overstaying my welcome, I did that wrong, I laughed too loud, I hugged too long. Hmm. I was going to say that I was pretty confident that my job wasn't affected by this but that would be incorrect. My job was the same as my life: I tried and tried and tried to please everyone by being everything but I kept failing. And when I would fail, I would give up on myself so quickly. Why bother? I'm shit. And then do absolutely nothing... trying to prove what I had already decided was true.

I love my father immensely. I would never say anything bad about him or about the way he and my mother raised me. They drew on their own experience of how to raise children and they did their best. But I still hear my father telling me to move, telling me that I wasn't good enough, I wasn't fast enough, I wasn't smart enough, get out of the way. Let's just say it in a teasing manner, then you can get away with pretty much anything. And, no matter what, do not show your feelings. Really good feelings or really bad feelings. Shhhhh. No one needs to know. I know he would never ever have behaved that way if he knew that it would affect me the way it did but he was probably treated that way and much worse. I remember treating Debra that way when she was young. It didn't mean that I didn't love her but I sure pushed her around sometimes. And maybe the only difference between me and Dad is that I realized I was doing it and he didn't. (I am fairly confident that he never thought that he was good enough, either.) I never realized I was doing it to myself.

Now I make a decision and accept it. I don't keep changing my mind, never sure if I am doing the right thing, going over and over and over it. And if I gave in and acted in a way that was not up to my standards, look out. Or, a little less dramatic but always constant, I would go over and over and over something trying to find the answer. I would be almost there and I would doubt myself and start it all over again. Now my mind is quiet. Now I determine the answer and let the rest go. Don't get me wrong, I am an analytical person and I will most likely always look at every possible answer and not commit myself to something that I am not comfortable with. However, if I don't find the answer instantly, I let it go and wait for the answer to come to me. And I don't beat myself up about it. I am good enough. I'm the girl who puts out her cheek.

I'm Okay

I spent the night dreaming about Ian last night. I don't remember the dreams but I know he was in them. I'm pretty sure it was something about him realizing what a big mistake he has made and asking for me back... and I said no. I don't want to be with someone that would be with someone that did the things that she did to him. I hope it works out, I hope he is happy and, deep deep down in places that I don't normally venture, a part of me hopes that she fucks him over but good.

I guess it's a bit much to ask to be totally over him in a week... and, honestly, I wouldn't want to be over him that fast. What would that say about my ability to love if I could turn it off like that? I used to think that I could turn it on and off but I know now that all I did was bury it/avoid it/deny it... and then my hair started falling out and I would throw up on a near daily basis. I am so glad that is over. I'll take a little pain right now - I'm learning, I'm learning.

I went on a date last night but, to be fair, I didn't really know it was a date. Ken called me up and asked me out... we went to the Keg. It was very good, I ate way too much, he drank way too much. Poor guy. He was so nervous and a wee bit clutzy... kinda told me that he loved me a couple of times and gushed a little about how wonderful I am (which I totally agree! LOL). He said it was his first real date since his wife left him 20 years ago. That must be an exageration but, still, I know it has been a long time for him. I worked with the guy for more than a year so I knew about most of what he told me already. Of course the alcohol loosened the lips a bit, as it tends to do. Ken is a great guy and I really like him but not in that way. Firstly and very most importantly, he is a boozer and periodically likes his drugs. Above and beyond anything else, I would never consider being with someone like that again.

I want someone that has his shit together, who is active and likes to do stuff, who has lots of friends and family that love him. I don't have to save the world anymore.

The unexpected side effects of straightening out my brain are vast and exciting. I am me. I don't constantly feel like people don't like me, I don't watch for signs that they would rather be somewhere else, I don't swing from ray-of-sunshine to mental case from moment to moment. I'm ready. I finally found the key that I have been looking for since I was a teenager. Thank you god, if you are out there anywhere!

FUCK IAN

but I mean that in the kindest possible way

Horoscope

I know - I hate it when I do this, too... but it's crazy! Seriously, I laughed out loud when I read this... it's beyond true!

Scorpio
October 23 - November 21
Don't let your fear or anger overtake you today, dear Scorpio. You are going to be pushed very strongly to the forefront and you may even be forced to make some big decisions regarding the direction your professional life is going. You may have been feeling that it is a little premature to take action, but frankly, you no longer have any choice. Whether you know it or not, you are ready!

The Light at the End of the Tunnel...

... is a little dim at this very moment. I am back at my desk as I took two days off after the big deed. I am still by my self but any moment Jacquie will arrive and then Joe and Debbie and the phone will start to ring and I will have to do some work. The end. God, that light at the end of the tunnel is beautiful. But the next two weeks are gonna S-U-C-K, dude!

I have a nice long story about the final chapter of the Ian saga but I'm really not in the mood right now. Let's just say - he's an idiot and I'm awesome! ;-)

Can you say FREEDOM??

Well, I did it! I quit my job! So excited... little teeny bit freaked but soooo excited! Anything could happen now!! I have to work my notice to the end of March and then I am taking April OFF! At least April! I have enough money to get me through 5-6 months no problem so when I go back will depend on how bored I get, what opportunities come up and how fast I blow through my cash. K... too excited to write... must - do - something - like - get - used - to -doing - NOTHING!!!! Yay me!

Horoscope

For you, dear Scorpio, love is like an adventure, a crazy sport, or some sort of video arcade game. Lately you may have been too caught up in the fantasy aspect of it without really taking into account the practical nature and the nitty-gritty of what it takes to keep a relationship afloat. You may need to take a more realistic perspective on it all at this time, be more sensitive to your own emotions, and honor them accordingly.


-----------------------------------------
Too true. But perhaps I am way beyond sensitive to my emotions and not sensitive enough to his.


**3/29/08** OR... perhaps I am way beyond sensitive to what I decide are his feelings but never actually ask what they truly are and I need to accept that I have feelings and sometimes they will be good and sometimes they will be bad but they are always okay.

Nuthin'

Ya, I got nothin' to say. Mental stability is all fine and dandy but it sure makes for a boring read! Mom left yesterday - but first we went to Ian's for the big meet. It went well, of course. Now the future is a great big ? but I kinda like it that way. This fence suits me just fine for right now. It could go either way and I would be happy with it going either way; in the mean time, I got shit to do! And I plan to have lots of fun doing it.

Cycle City

I went for a drive on the way to the bank and I was driving all over the place wondering if I was going to be able to get up the gumption to go into the bank and be friendly, all sad and boo hooing, thinking I might as well rule out men forever. And then I thought about how it was the beginning of the month last month when I got all weird, too, and he wasn't even in the picture and how I realized all that cycle stuff and POOF. Every thing was okay. Let it go. No problem. Fuckin' brain.

we[rj[q 0a932j v[

I sent him an email at 10:30am saying that Mom wants to meet him while she is in town. No reply. And then I think "well, fuck him... obviously he doesn't want me at all so why am I wasting my time even thinking about this?" and then I remembered that the last time I thought he was ignoring me and trying to give me the message that he wasn't interested - turned out he was in hospital getting a new pancreas. Hmmmmmm.

I like not having any males in my life whatsoever. None. Boys suck. Life is better [read: easier] without them.

Repeat

Maybe I should just copy and paste an old entry here...nothing really changes, does it? I just repeat, repeat, repeat... do I learn anything? Apparently not. Or very little. Or maybe it's just Monday.

I keep telling myself that I'm not going to make any decisions right now, I'm not going to worry about it, I'm not going to think about it. We will be friends and see if anything happens; and maybe I don't even want anything to happen. Then I talk to him for 5 minutes on the phone and he's not totally excited to talk to me and I think that he doesn't like me and probably was there when I called but didn't want to answer and felt obligated to call me back but didn't want to (afterthought: I don't, however, think that maybe he just had major fucking surgery and is in a lot of pain and is probably tired because he has company and most likely isn't getting as much rest as he would otherwise; I don't think that he has been working his butt off to be brave for everyone else but feels that he can relax and be honest with me. Why is it so hard for me to believe that someone might actually like me? And why do I always have to determine the outcome of the whole relationship before anyone else gets a chance to have some input? Why can't I just let it go? Wait and see, Bevie, wait and see).

And then I think of all of the things that I didn't like when we were together - all of those little, insignificant things that don't seem to matter at all when things are going good - and I want to call off the whole thing. Not that there is anything to call off. But this is when the cold shoulder stuff usually starts. I don't want to call him and I don't want to see him.

Christ, I'm fucked up. I know, I think the shit out of everything. Doesn't everyone? Honestly, doesn't everyone think through their feelings and try to figure out the other person's feelings and head for the hills the very second that the guy isn't everything you ever wanted him to be and oh so much more. Well, I guess that little bit of sarcasm answered that question. Hang on, I'm learning, I'm learning. Two steps forward and one step back is still progress.

Deep Woods

I had a very reflective evening – I know: odd, but it was bound to happen eventually. It’s practice time. This new version of me, this new angle, the change in perspective is still very new and still evolving so I sat down with a pencil and paper and brainstormed. I wanted to remind myself of what I have learned but also reflect on the things that I had so erroneously accepted to be truth in the past. I always kinda had faith in my ‘I don’t care’ and ‘ten foot pole’ concept of relationships but perhaps the pole has been just a little too long. And perhaps my attitude came from my automatic acceptance of any and all confirmation I could find of the bad things that I thought about myself while never quite considering the fact that I might be wrong.

I will record a couple of concepts here but not all of them – remaining true to the most important one: DON’T OVER ANALYZE! Well, perhaps just a wee bit for fun…

* Don’t force it – let it happen or let it not happen but let it

* Accept that other people think differently, feel differently and live differently

* “Dig it or don’t; just don’t pretend” – Missy Spady

* Don’t say WHATEVER – say WHAT?

* Be your genuine self: some people will like you, some people won’t and that’s okay

* Never apologize for who you are

* Don’t devalue the things that you require to be fulfilled

* T-R-U-S-T

* You don’t have to be saved and you don’t have to save anyone else – just be

* Sometimes it’s gonna hurt… but it will be worth it

* “Free your mind and the rest will follow” – En Vogue

* Do unto others as you would have them do unto you
But don’t turn it into a reward system

* It’s okay to want more

* Let yourself off the hook. And let him off it, too.

And so on...

Well, I pretty much lost the month of February. I was sick (or whatever that was) for the first week, lazy as my ass during the second week, trying to catch up during the third week and this week has been all about Ian. Time, she is a truckin'.

Ian is recovering well. I went to visit him last night for a couple of hours and he looked so much better than Monday. I have been sleeping in his bed for the past couple of nights, which is somewhat sureal and somewhat comforting. (And Daisy is still the sweetest, most awesomest dog to ever roam the earth!) He comes home tomorrow. I offered to pick him up but I think his mother wants to. I wonder if she feels that I am overstepping my boundaries. Oh, well, from what everyone says, that is just the way she is. I know she likes me, I know she appreciates me helping out and, quite frankly, I'm just gonna be me and not worry about it! It will be interesting to see what happens over the next couple of days, though.

I feel so free. I feel so free from my mind. I had no idea how much torture I was putting myself through. It's still gonna be a process, still going to be a struggle but the awareness that I have now will help me get through the rest of it. Ha! I don't even care enough to write about it... that's how far I have come! [Mini reminder: mood cycle]

Here we go again...

I went to see Ian last night... actually, I left work at 2pm and was at the hospital from about 3-8pm. He's doing pretty good, in a lot of pain but no longer diabetic. How crazy is that? He has been diabetic for 28 years. For 28 years he has had to basically obsess over very morsel of food that went into his mouth, he has had lows too low and highs too high and now... all better.

But enough about him... let's talk about my feelings. Haha... cuz that's what we do. I did not (consciously) realize that I am always afraid of over stepping boundaries, I always think that I am not wanted, I always assume that people don't want me around - unless there is something in it for them (men, read: sex). And I guess I always hated the insecurity so I buried it. And that's why I always left. That's why it's so easy for me to walk away... because I assume that I'm not wanted there anyway. [Okay, now I'm crying at work... there's no one else here yet, though]

Maybe that's a reflection of the company I keep. Maybe the company I keep is a reflection of that. Whatever. Maybe it's me. [Do ya think???] Doesn't change the fact. I guess I always knew about that tendancy when it comes to men but it's everyone. If Julie doesn't reply to an email, I assume that she is over me and our friendship is over... and then I get one that says 'yay, just got back from Disneyland'. I sent Karen Hunt an email last week asking her why she doesn't like me anymore, what did I do... and she says 'what'? That planted a seed... perhaps I have been reading this wrong, so wrong. And yesterday I struggled all day over visiting Ian... until I got to the point that I accepted that I needed to see him and his feelings were inmaterial... I still have no idea whether or not he wanted me there. How do you know if you are wanted or not???

How am I supposed to act? How am I supposed to know when to leave? How am I supposed to find the line between when they want me there and when I've overstayed my welcome and people are just too polite to say? At what point do people say 'fuck, go away already'. Ha... with men I think it's usually after I've left 5 or 6 times or after I've been a super bitch for as long as they can take. [perhaps wanting them to push me away?] Hot damn, do I really read people that wrong?? Except now, like yesterday at the hospital with Ian, I said 'is this okay?'. He said yes but as time went on I didn't know if I should go or not. I guess that's why I took it off my shoulders and told him that he has to tell me when to go. But that's different. You can't do that in a social situation nor in a romantic situation. No one is going to say 'it's time for you to go now' so I guess that means that I have to figure it out. And figure it out I always did. But what if I was figuring wrong. Godamit! What have I done to my fucking head? I mean I'm finally straightening it out but everytime I turn another corner I unearth some other godforsaken tidbit of my insecurity that I didn't even know exsisted until a few months ago.

Foot note: The two Stacey's both agree that I am over thinking all of this... however, one says I should visit every day and the other says that I should not visit again until he is home and then only once... why am I confused, again? Can't remember!!!

Pancreas

Ian had his pancreas transplant on Friday... I got an email from his mom this morning. Something like "I don't know what the problem is with you and Ian but I thought I should tell you". I emailed her back. I called her (after an intense search for her number) and left a message. I called the hospital three times but there is no answer in his room. I called his home number in case his mom was there. I called his cell phone and left a message but it was off. ARGH!!!!!! I need details! I need to see him! I need to see Daisy! I need to make sure he's okay. I'm so excited for him I can't contain myself BUT NO ONE IS ANSWERING MY MESSAGES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?????????

Godamit! Stop. Seriously. I could just cry... good cry... you know, like, won the lottery cry... just figured it out cry. (By the way? B.C. Green loves me!) It's a cycle.

Simple as that - it's a cycle.

Debra said that once and I said "what?"... she said "but you will still have the cycle"... and I said "the what????????????". And all I thought about is the fact that I would have to live with this for the rest of my life... there is no way to make it go away completely. How did I get so dense? It's the easiest answer of all.

It's a cycle.

It's not a menstrual cycle. It's not once a month, every fourth Thursday. I go through a cycle that... well, I haven't figured it out yet but I know it's a cycle. You might be wondering why I am so excited by that. Don't you realize the steps that I have taken to fix this? Not to mention the things that I did when I didn't even know that I had this fucking head-case disease (what are you supposed to call it? mental illness? No wonder I won't freakin' tell anyone about it!! Mental illness... very nice) like all of the times that I moved, changed jobs, broke up with boyfriends, but do you know all of the things that I have been doing to try to fix this since I found out? Hot damn. A cycle.

Because every time I start feeling down I look for the cause and try to find a way to change it. As soon as anything comes on, I sit down and wait for it, invite it in. Then I look for a way out. I think, since I found out, I have considered killing myself no less than every single time I had a crash. Every single time except the past two. The past two times I have been confident that I would get through it, yes, it's inconvenient, frustrating, confusing but if I want to live then I have to live through it and that's just the way it is. But it was so simple. Nothing brings it on - I mean, to a degree, I am sure there are triggers but it just comes and goes IN A CyClE! Do you know what a relief that is?

Let me clarify because Obviously I knew that there was some kind of a cycle going on. I would bawl my face off for a day and, all the while, think "nothing is wrong" "there is nothing that happened today to cause a complete breakdown". It was just that some days I couldn't cope with the world and I accepted that. That part I got. What I didn't figure out is that all of the days in between those breakdowns are a cycle, too. All of those days that I don't feel like talking to anyone, I don't want to work, I hate my boss, I need to breakup with my boyfriend, I need to find a boyfriend, I need to get laid, I need some booze or pot or a vibrator. All of those days were just part of a cycle. I was feeling shitty... and I kept looking for a reason why and tried to fix it.

Perhaps I could just be for a while. Perhaps I could just live with it, be content, accept it and not be a total bitch and push everyone away and be mad at everyone and look for irritations, assume everyone hates me. If only I could get a new career, that would help. I hate my boss and it is making me change jobs. What's going to be different with the next job, boss, boyfriend, house, dog, car, drink. I am still trying to fix it and I need to stop. I need to accept it, I need to accept me. I'm okay. The constant internal struggle is unnecessary. It's a cycle and it will go away in time. Same boyfriend, same job, same boss, same life.

Muthrfuker!

Maybe this...

You know, I think my real reason for being bothered by Ian not contacting me is it's kinda fucking up my faith in humanity. I have spent my whole life screwing around with strangers... I never thought much of their lines because they just wanted to fuck me and I just wanted to fuck them and, with that kind of person, I never wanted more. But with someone that I care about (I can care and not be in love) it kind of hurts me that he would work so hard to make me feel that he liked me beyond the sex and then not show it. Of course, from his perspective, maybe he read my no to sex as my no to everything... which is okay. Yes, I will look at it that way and then he's not an ass. And I am saying no to everything. I don't want to go backward, I don't want to be with someone because I am lonely (cuz I'm really not for the most part) and I don't want to have sex for sex's sake. I'll wait for my hot guy, I'll wait for the one who will get me and I will get him and we will struggle and fight but we will do it because the good part is so much bigger than the bad. I'm keeping the faith in humanity... and maybe letting go of some of my respect for Ian (maybe I can see what I want to be his perspective but it doesn't mean that he wasn't trying to use me for a quick fuck).

Footnote: This was written on the day that Ian got the call to go in for his pancreas. Oops! Perhaps I don't have the best judgment when it comes to this stuff!

Moving on...

The really funny thing about it is that, after all of this time of feeling like crap, it's hard to pull back out of the habits. I think I had nachos/cheese/sour cream/salsa for supper every day for two weeks (or close!). And the not being able to work, to study, to concentrate. Now I feel okay, I can do these things but I keep stopping my work to putter online and I am sitting here trying to convince myself that I should go to a movie after work instead of run/study. I tell myself that it would be a treat, a welcome back evening - which would inevitably include some other stuff. But I have been slacking off for so long that now I need to get back at it.

And why do I want Ian to call/email. Why? Why? Seriously, wtf? I'm a freak. I guess it's nice to have someone that wants to be with you. But wouldn't we just go down that same road again? Part of me wants him to chase, the other part will be happy if he doesn't... so I guess I am on the fence and we will just have to wait and see what happens next.

That's progress, baby!

A few things happened yesterday that I would like to comment on...

First of all, I had a big crash yesterday... started crying (AT WORK!), went home early, had a crazy headache, slept for two hours and felt like me again when I got up. More like me than I have all month. I'm not saying it's all over because it has been a seriously bad up and down month but I will take even a little reprieve at this point. Today my brain seems to be working normally ... and even at my lowest moment yesterday I didn't lose hope, I didn't want to kill myself, I didn't feel trapped and discouraged because this obviously will never end. What I did do was question it.

So, in light of the questions that I want answered, I started a journal to record how much I sleep, eat, exercise, study, socialize, drink, partake in other extra-ciricular activities. I will record the weather, where I go, what I do, who I interact with, how I feel physically and mentally. Maybe I will find a trigger that I missed in the past or, at the very least, notice a cycle of cause and effect that will enable me to determine when a crash is coming on and learn to work with it instead of against it.

Another noteable event happened in the evening. I walked down to Ian's to collect my purchase. He made dinner. He put the moves on me again and again. I reminded him that he said we shouldn't do this anymore but still he was persistent. I let him kiss me, I let him touch me, pleasure me and then I pushed him away. A little later he tried again but he more just hugged me than anything else. I kept telling him no but I have to admit it was no to casual screwing around more so than no to sex. At one point he said "you're still good"... does this mean that I once was bad? That comment sparked a sliver of a memory but I just can't grasp it... was I not good somehow... and how was I not good? In a way it pissed me off that he was so persistent. Flattering I guess, which is why I have opened my legs for all those other men but was it flattering? How can it be offensive and flattering at the same time? He obviously wanted to get his rocks off and was willing to use what advantage he could to get his way. Which I get but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt at the same time. And so I made him walk me home.

Casual friendship sex is an absolute no that I will not waiver on (go me!!!!!!) but would I say yes to more? I honestly don't know the answer to that question. What I do know is that, if he wants me, he is going to have to work for it, he is going to have to convince me because I will not start up again like it was. The last time we started seeing each other he hurt my feelings a lot and he didn't get it. I was willing to give it my all but when push came to shove he walked away... and started looking for someone else. He has gotten me twice with that plentyoffish shit and it will not happen again. So I guess I will wait and see where - if anywhere - he takes this but I am not giving the milk away for free. I am different, I expect more and I deserve more!

See? Progress!

Is it time?

I was just thinking... (ya, I know... that almost never happens!) maybe it's time to let myself off the hook. Maybe what I need to do to get past this is let it go. It's so frustrating. Am I not in control of myself? Does it have to be all or nothing? Can't I just be? Just be something in the middle? Maybe what I need to do to find myself is just stop looking?

Why do I make everything into such a big deal? Here's a theory under development... maybe I always thought a man would make it better because when I am in a relationship I don't have as much time to concentrate on my shit. Maybe I don't have to pressure myself to study every available minute of every day... because when I don't study constantly, I don't do it at all. Maybe I don't have to lose every single pound today... because if I am not dieting, I am pigging out. Maybe I don't have to find "the one" right now... because if I am not desperately in love, I am single. Maybe I don't have to get wasted every day... because if I am not sober, I am loaded. Maybe I do expect too much of myself... because if I don't have it all together, I am in a million little pieces. Maybe it's time to just let me be.

And another thing...

I guess another thing that makes me want to bury my head in the sand is not knowing what the future holds in my job. It's like the proverbial rock and hard place. I have been paid way too much over the past couple of years and that is going back to less - much less. I am stressed! I have no savings, I owe a million dollars in back taxes, my line of credit keeps getting bigger and bigger and I don't see the light yet. You know, end of the tunnel stuff. And the fact that I hate my job doesn't help much. But if I were to change to another job I wouldn't make any more than I am now. But maybe I would like it more. Or maybe I would eventually feel about it as I do this.

Learnin'

I'm stuck again. Or perhaps I am coming out of it because I am at the point that I am ready to do something about it. What do I call the past two weeks? I was sick in bed for the first week - was I? I didn't want to go to work, I didn't want to go out, I didn't want to talk to anyone. But, see... this is so confusing. I wasn't depressed about anything, I wasn't crying, I wasn't feeling sad... I just didn't want. Perhaps I was just lazy. Anyway, that week went by and I didn't study or go to work or exercise or do any of the things that I am supposed to do. Okay, so I took a week off... no biggie. But then, during the second week, while I did go to work and I did what I absolutely HAD to do, I still didn't want. I skimmed my duties, I shuffled papers and played games online all week. Am I supposed to look for excuses? Yeah, I had to pick up Mom at the airport and that was pretty late so I didn't get much sleep; yes, I brought her to the ferry the next day but I left work as early as I could get away with and canceled plans with Fabian because I didn't feel like dealing with anything else that day. I still didn't study, I didn't exercise, I didn't go out, I did what I absolutely HAD to do and not a tiny, single thing more. I didn't even pass in my accounting quiz or go to my midterm on Saturday morning. What I did do is go down to Ian's on Thursday to visit with Daisy and had a puff puff pass. I almost almost almost stayed the night. I was super proud of myself for leaving but would I have left if it wasn't for my time of the month???

I guess what those personality profiles say is true: I hold myself up to extremely high standards. I think what the problem is is that, if I don't live up to those standards, I don't do anything. Was I feeling stressed and hiding from it? I have lots of work to do, my desk is flooding over with paper and here I am... typing away. I did have a realization a couple of weeks ago when I was super-hating Joe and that was that the things that he most pissed me off about were things that I should have done but didn't have done. High standards and extremely easy-going. Is it time to start lowering the standards that I expect of myself and be a little more hard-going?

But how do I lower my standards? Getting pissed off with the fact that I don't do everything that I expect of myself... will I not also get pissed off when I find that I am unable to lower my standards? Is it not my easy-going nature that let me off the hook when I somehow decided that I was not going to acheive all of the things that I expected myself to acheive? Then again, is constantly berating myself and feeling guilty and feeling like I should do more letting myself off the hook? Maybe I should listen to myself more. I know I should be doing my work right now. I know I should be studying. I know that I will regret it if I blow another course. I know that it's time to sign off here again and try to get my shit back together.

Fish Chemistry

befralee Relationship Chemistry Test Results
Self-Confidence

As someone with high self-confidence, you feel quite comfortable interacting with other people. Indeed, you find the company of others very stimulating and enjoy meeting new people. Your relaxed demeanor in groups makes people around you comfortable too. Perhaps because you feel comfortable talking about yourself, others tend to enjoy being around you and perceive you as socially competent.

The confidence that helps you feel comfortable talking to people also spills into your own personal beliefs about yourself. Although you have several strengths, it’s likely that you also acknowledge and accept your weaknesses. But unlike some people, you take full responsibility for your actions—you rarely regret things you’ve done in the past and are not embarrassed easily.

Perhaps the defining feature that sets you apart from most people is the exceptionally high standards that you set for yourself. Your competence in social gatherings as well as at work should provide ample evidence for this. With these characteristics, it’s very likely that people come to you for advice and generally think of you as someone with leader-like qualities.


Family Orientation

As someone who respects family values, you tend to enjoy the company of family-members and are open to living a domestic life. If you have children already, you enjoy spending time with them very much and work hard to be a good parent, but may occasionally wish to “cut-loose” and let your true colors show. If you don’t have children, you probably desire having a family sometime in the distant future. Although you occasionally enjoy cooking at home, you also like going to restaurants. This has the potential to create added stress as you transition into parenthood.

You are attracted to the idea of having a family and may be willing to work hard to achieve this, although not necessarily any time soon. This conflict is illustrated by the fact that you don’t mind doing things around the house—like cooking and entertaining guests—on the one hand. But, on the other hand, you also like going to restaurants and parties. It’s possible that in time you might prefer spending time at home more because you won’t feel like you’re missing anything when you don’t go out.

One aspect of yourself that makes you likely to become more family oriented is that you generally know how to manage your frustrations and work well on your own. This means that you have some of the basic ingredients to enjoy family life. Maintaining a tidy home, keeping a well-stocked kitchen, and making sure the kids are safe is a tough job. So attending to these things, while also taking care of yourself, may prove somewhat difficult for you.


Self-Control

The self-control personality dimension captures the way in which a person regulates and directs him or herself. Being low in self-control can be both good and bad. Occasionally people may be compelled to follow their intuitions and give in to their temptations, and your degree of self-control makes this likely to happen more often than not. This can be good in circumstances where being relaxed and open are important. However, in situations where it is necessary to be focused and careful, you might find that you do or say things that may be inappropriate.

As someone who exerts little control over your actions, you may find that you commit social blunders that might offend other people and get yourself in trouble. For example, if you’re given responsibility to work on a project that requires close attention to detail, you may be likely to overlook important details because you have difficulty staying focused. Consequently, you might feel more comfortable delegating such tasks to other people who are more detail oriented. Being able to recognize such characteristics in yourself and having more detail-oriented people do such tasks could be an effective way to manage your own stress level.

Low self-control may diminish your effectiveness at work. Acting too relaxed can make it difficult for you to focus on projects that require organized sequences of steps or stages. Thus, your ability to accomplish may be inconsistent. Indeed, it’s possible that you might be criticized periodically for being unreliable or unable to “stay within the lines.” Nonetheless, you may still experience many short-lived pleasures and never be thought of as boring.


Openness

As someone high in openness, you have a strong appreciation for beauty, both in art and nature. Indeed, it’s likely that you are easily absorbed in music and art, as well as natural phenomena. Another aspect of your openness is your emotional insight; that is, you probably have good access to and awareness of your own emotions.

Another aspect of the openness dimension is the tendency to think about abstract concepts and ideas. This thinking style may take the form of artistic and metaphorical use of language, and/or music composition or performance. Thus, it is likely that, either in your work or spare time, you enjoy activities that get your “creative juices” flowing.

Your tendency to be open-minded can have advantages and disadvantages. For instance, when there are no clear rules about how to approach a particular problem, your openness makes it easier for you to identify new ways to solve problems that might not be very obvious to people that are not as open as you are. In contrast, you may be bored easily in situations that lack high amounts of intellectual stimulation. In such cases, you might have difficulty excelling on projects that do not provide much stimulation or require much creative thinking.


Easygoingness

Easygoingness refers to one's ability to relax. Based on your score, you appear to “take things as they come” and enjoy having a good time. However, being high in easygoingness also has the potential to produce stress in a number of ways. For example, you may find it difficult to complete tasks thoroughly and efficiently. In this way, being high in easygoingness cannot only make your life difficult, but also the lives of the people around you. Another potential problem with being too high in easygoingness is that it can provide you with gratification in the short-term, but in the long-term provide undesirable consequences.

High easygoingness, even when not seriously destructive, may also diminish your effectiveness at work, for example. You may find it aversive and difficult to put in all the effort that may sometimes be needed to effectively accomplish certain tasks. For this reason, your colleagues might view you as forgetful and unfocused.


How does your personality affect your love life?


Given the strong degree of confidence that you have, it’s no surprise that you get along well with most people. Indeed, it’s self-confidence that allows people to feel comfortable interacting with others without feeling insecure and vulnerable. For this reason, you shouldn’t have much difficulty in romance, at least not initially. Your social skills will likely help relieve any anxiety your romantic partners might have on those first few dates. However, over time, the high standards that you have for yourself could potentially frustrate your partner.

Because you respect family values but appreciate a good night out on the town, you probably get along well with people that are different from you. For this reason, you would probably be quite content in a romantic relationship with someone who shares your same values on these issues. Being in a relationship with someone who enjoys going out to parties and staying-up late at night might be fun, at least initially; yet it’s likely that you will find this tiring over time. Thus, it might be easier and more satisfying for you to develop a long-lasting relationship with a person who enjoys both spending time at home and going out to eat.

As someone who is more relaxed than most people, you likely get along with most people quite well. Chances are that your friends and colleagues perceive you as lively, fun to be with, and good-humored. When it comes to romance, you’ll likely be attracted to most people. However, your free-spirited nature might make being in a relationship with a person that is more rigid than you difficult because you might perceive the person as being too uptight and controlling.

Your openness probably makes it easy for you to respect and appreciate people that are different from you. However, when it comes to romantic relationships, your openness might make it difficult for you to tolerate people that cannot appreciate diversity as much as you. Therefore, you may be happiest in serious relationships with people that share your open-mindedness. But, your openness might occasionally cause a certain degree of dependency on your end because you may be so open that you easily adopt the preferences and habits of your partners and gradually relinquish things that make you so unique.


Copyright 2001-2008 Plentyoffish Media INC

A Cowboy Walks into a Drug Store...

----- Original Message -----
From: Beverly McGrath
Sent: Thursday, January 24, 2008 11:56 AM
Subject: FW: A Cowboy Walks into a Drug Store...

A Texas cowboy walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The elderly woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and as she and her also widowed elderly sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help the gentleman.

The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The old bronco-buster agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it."

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister. When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3,000 a month plus living expenses.


Date: Sun, 24 Feb 2008 14:00:11 -0800
From: fabe_p@shaw.ca
Subject: Re: A Cowboy Walks into a Drug Store...
To: newfiebev@hotmail.com

How did you know that was my problem as well?


----- Original Message -----
From: Beverly McGrath
To: fabe
Sent: Thursday, January 24, 2008 2:29 PM
Subject: RE: A Cowboy Walks into a Drug Store...

Haha... well, I don't have a store but how about $5000 a month and living expenses????


Date: Sun, 24 Feb 2008 14:33:02 -0800
From: fabe_p@shaw.ca
Subject: Re: A Cowboy Walks into a Drug Store...
To: newfiebev@hotmail.com

Am I worth that much?


----- Original Message -----
From: Beverly McGrath
To: fabe
Sent: Thursday, January 24, 2008 2:37 PM
Subject: RE: A Cowboy Walks into a Drug Store...

Or am I just that desperate?? Okay, okay... I'll buy you a store, too!


Date: Sun, 24 Feb 2008 14:44:07 -0800
From: fabe_p@shaw.ca
Subject: Re: A Cowboy Walks into a Drug Store...
To: newfiebev@hotmail.com

Would you be into a 2 for one deal....or should we stop now.....lol


From: newfiebev@hotmail.com
To: fabe_p@shaw.ca
Subject: RE: A Cowboy Walks into a Drug Store...
Date: Thu, 24 Jan 2008 15:02:22 -0800

Ya, time to stop... you just lost me anyway!


TEXT MSG
From: Fabe
To: Bev

Just 2 let u know that last email was not a tease. Would b fun!


TEXT MSG
From: Bev
To: Fabe

Haha-the funny thing is that my last email wasn't a joke, either! One on one I would consider but the group thing is a huge turn on as a fantasy but not my scene as a reality. And, besides, you are practically a married man!


TEXT MSG
From: Fabe
To: Bev

I sug it bcause she wants 2 try it. A safe way 4 us all 2 try it.


TEXT MSG
From: Bev
To: Fabe

You, me and your girlfriend?? Not on your life, buster! Not in a million years! Not if it was the only time I could have sex for the rest of my life! Not for money, fame or eternal youth! So, I guess what I'm trying to say is... thanks, but no thanks!


TEXT MSG
From: Fabe
To: Bev

So what ur telling me is maybe! Kidding! The subtle no confused me. We can still do coffee right?


TEXT MSG
From: Bev
To: Fabe

Of course we can... anytime!



***Way to make me lose all hope of us ever being together, dude. Is he that fucked up??***

Nope, I hate him

I guess I always have to have someone to bitch about, don't I? Well, right now it's Joe... in record quantities! I think half the problem is that I've already decided to leave and I don't care anymore. I don't care what he says, I don't care what he does, I don't care if I come in late (not that I ever did!), I don't care if I fake sick, I don't care, I don't care, I want out! I remember going through this with Diane at the mall, too, though and I don't want it to end like that. I want to do a good job, I want to get caught up on all of this stuff that is piling up on my desk... how do I get him to stop fucking driving me nuts? Should I be like Jacquie and act like his adoring wife? Should I just go along with everything that he says and smile and be happy because it doesn't matter to me anymore? I just... whatever... I'm leaving, I should be kissing ass to get as much cash out of the guy that I can before I go. Kiss ass. Hmmm. Yeah. Don't know if I can do that. Even if it's to get what I want. Okay, I'll try. X3

Is Hate Too Strong A Word?

Omigod... Joe is driving up the fucking wall and back down again. He is now pretty much the only man in my life and I could break his fucking neck if I were that type of person. I'm not. Last week I was going to write this nice post about realizing that the reason he pisses me off so much is because he is usually asking about things that I don't have done. To a degree, that is true. I confess, I have not been the best employee for the last year or so (I'm bored out of my mind here!). But, mutherfuker, he is just irritating - about the work that I have done and the work that I don't. I told him this morning, too. I said "you are extremely difficult to work for". He changes the rules based on his moods. "Well, I was under the impression that it was already done this way." We put the salesmen's policies in writing and had each of them sign a copy and I am sofa king glad that I had that to back me up... you don't just change policy because you feel that you should be getting more money out of the company. Yes, so you put money in - that was your choice. You also get every damn personal expense that one could have paid by the company. You have no phone bill, no electricty, you receive rent for an office that we don't even use, you have your weekly house cleaning paid by the company, come the fuck on! Arrrrrggggggggggggggggggggggghh!

Just go...

You know, I'm just going to start writing here without reading previous posts first. If I repeat something, well so be it! And that's the thing... so what? I think that's the biggest thing that I have learned through all of this. When I was a kid all I heard (with my kid ears, obviously... I get it now but I didn't then), all I heard from Mom was that I was too fat and all I heard from Dad was that I was too slow, too clutzy, too in the way... basically, what I heard was that I was not good enough. And I believed it. It didn't make much of a difference first. I mean, I remember believing it but I think I questioned it back then. At some point, though, I stopped questioning it. It just was. I believed it and I found confirmation everywhere (because I constantly looked for confirmation). *the funny thing is that I just realized that I only believed the confirmation of the bad stuff, not the good stuff*

What I wish I knew back then was that I could say "so??". So what if I'm too fat? Does that make me less of a person? NO! I thought that it did. NO! So what if I'm slow, if I'm a clutz, if I do everything wrong? So what? They made me so paranoid about everything that I did so I never did anything right. How could I? When I wanted to quit piano and skating and swimming and skiing and everything else, why did no one tell me that it was okay to not be the best? It is okay to just do things because you love doing them. How many things did I cheat myself of? So many, so many. And, if I could have said "so?", then maybe I wouldn't have been fat, maybe I wouldn't have quit all of those things, maybe it was okay to try and fail. Because then you just try again. And again. And again if you need to. You get better. Maybe sometimes you don't get better and you suck and you end up playing Jingle Bells for the rest of your life. And you enjoy it because you loved playing it.

Omigod, I'm getting better. I can't believe that I figured it out! I can't tell you how hard I am crying right now. I FIGURED IT OUT!!!! Don't you understand what that means? I remember being about 9 and not playing Red Rover with my friends because I didn't think I was good enough. It started back then, before that. Everything that I did I had to do right or I did not do them. And I didn't do SO MANY THINGS! Oh, so many.

But I'm doing them now. I'm doing them and I am falling down all over the place and I am having so much fun! God, I cannot believe how happy I am to have figured all of this out. It will take time, a life-time, but I will do better. Or maybe I will just fall down... because that's okay.

Guess I got my answer...

Fucker is already on the dating site again. I just sent him this email:

3rd life... I love it... way to break up with a girl... you are quite a stand-up kinda guy... and I let this happen twice... sweet! When can I come get my stuff?

Nothin'

Still no word from Mr. McCulloch. I honestly don't know how I feel about it... I guess I am sitting on the fence. One good thing is that I am not obsessing or going crazy about it, forcing an end like I usually do... I'm just waiting to see how it plays out. I don't know what I want... how could I have been so totally in love with him a month ago and now feel nothing? Am I just forcing my feelings down or is this how I really feel (sober)? I have been somewhat weepy the past day or two - is that p.m.s. or am I not reading my feelings right? I don't know... it's all new... how am I supposed to tell if I like the stinkin' guy or not? I always keep these things so buried... how do you let them out enough to understand them but not so much that you become a basket case? Am I 12?

There are good things about being alone... I have a lot of studying to do - just signed up for two courses at Kwantlen, just got my new piano so I need to learn to play that, got tons of work to do (that I have absolutely no interest in!), I should be exercising, I should be spending more time with my friends to keep the lonliness at bay. Bad things about being alone... I miss Daisy (maybe I should get a dog??), do I miss Ian? I don't know. I really don't. Do I? To a degree I guess. I keep focusing on things that I don't like about him so I haven't spent much time considering the things that I do like. If I'm questioning it this much, doesn't that mean that I don't like him enough? Ah, if only it were that easy.

Oh, it smarts!

We went cross-country skiing on Saturday... soooo much fun. I think it probably ended my relationship with Ian but it will be sadly worth it! He's been getting on my nerves again, anyway. Last time I blamed all of our problems on me and my behavior and it think it was very beneficial to revisit the whole situation to see it from a different angle but, I was right... he is a child. Of course, there is a part of me questioning everything still... it's an ongoing battle, this getting my shit figured out stuff... am I looking for things wrong so that I can ease the hurt if he doesn't want to see me anymore? That's a very good question and I'm sure that it could be viewed that way, however, things have not exactly been amazing between us for a bit. Old habits creap back in, I guess. He changed. I might have changed but he changed, too. And I'm okay with that. If it's over, I will live with it; if it's not over, it probably will be soon and I will live with it.

I have changed soo much inside my head over the past couple of months it's amazing. The ever-lasting internal struggle is gone, I am finally free.

I QUIT!

I quit junk food today! Just like smoking, I quit. Yesterday it dawned on me that there is absolutely no logical reason/benefit at any time to me eating chips and chocolate and junky fast food... other than the fact that I like it. But I liked smoking, too, and I quit because it was only causing harm instead of good - same with the junk food that I eat! So I just decided that it was time (way past time) to quit.

Now there are small stipulations, of course... I can have a small piece of cake/desert when celebrating birthdays and other occasions... but only one and only when there is people around (otherwise I might bake a cake to celebrate every pound that I lose!). And I can have fast food but only if I make a healthy choice... everyone has salads and sandwiches on their menu now so there is no excuse for having the crap. But there is NEVER a valid reason to have a single chip or a chocolate bar or a Big Mac.

And I feel awesome about this! There will be a withdrawal period, just like there was with smoking, but I will fight the cravings and they will eventually go away, just like they did with smoking, and I will be healthier... and hotter!!

Go me!! Oh, Stacey quit, too. Go Stacey!!

About Last Night...

Hey - maybe all of my headings should be movie titles! Wouldn't that be awesome?? I wonder if anyone in the world actually reads this drivel! Muther fucker... I might just beat the shit out of Joe some day... but that's another story (good thing the sunofabitch pays me so much!)

Anywho... last night was rough. Not only did I have a mini break-down on the way home from work - yep, just started cryin'... no reason... just cryin' - but I also had a mini paranoia nobody loves me boofuckinhoo kind of night. I need to talk to Ian. I know logically when he doesn't cuddle or whatever that it doesn't mean that he doesn't love me but, now more than ever, I am struggling with the emotional side, too. It was always there but I buried it deep. I need that confirmation, a squeeze, a tap. I am trying to not only think of myself but this is where that tendancy to run comes from.

What did my mother do to me??????

Just not that interested...

Hi me. It's Monday. Blech. I am so not interested in doing any work today. I'm here, my eyes are open, I'm answering questions, I'm looking like I am being somewhat useful but it's all a big ploy. I had a nap on my new RED couch at lunchtime. Came back to work after more than an hour. Did I mention that I came to work almost 2 hours late? I got into my bed after I struggled with the alarm at Ian's for about 45 minutes... just lie in bed for a minute... just a zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Then I had a little pressure wash, which is always welcome and didn't take too long but definately not the day for it. It's dark, it's dreary, I'm bored and not in the least big ambitious. Blech.

I'm a loser!

After all of that wonderful stuff about my strength and being okay that Ian didn't want to see me the other night, I got myself so worked up yesterday afternoon it's not funny. Through the jigs and the reels, I made my way over to his house. Eventually, when I got up the nerve, I asked him if anything had changed for him. He, of course, had no idea what I was talking about because I had worked the whole thing up in my mind but I told him that I had been getting a weird vibe and this is the point that I usually lose it and run but I want to learn how to handle it differently so I asked him about it instead. What a concept! So much better. Seriously, normally that would be enough for me to want to call it quits.

Oh, and everything has been so wonderful since. So cuddly and warm and sweet and fun. Here's where I run the risk of expecting too much.

Eventually I will get a handle on this... I'm trying and I think that says a lot. Hell, I even told him that I was on the fence about kids. Me's growin up!

Something is working...

Here's a new development... he didn't want to see me yesterday. He didn't email all day and I was going into avoidance mode (because I didn't really feel like going over there, either... but that's not important right now... lol) but then I remembered that I had made a comment the day before about him cooking me supper so I called... at the very least to tell him that I didn't want to come over (but that's not important right now!). He was very quiet and withdrawn on the phone... he said that he wasn't feeling well. I said no worries, go chill out... then he told me a bit about his day and we hung up.

Okay, so my instant reaction was that he doesn't want to be with me... he was at the concert the night before and something happened and he is moving on... blah, blah, blah. And, while that might be so because I really have no idea what is happening with him, the difference was that when I started my "that's okay, who needs him, I don't care, better off on my own" speil I stopped myself.

Here is how it usually works... and I learned this oddly due to my birthday cake. Stacey was coming over on Thursday to leave for Seattle the next day, my birthday was Sunday. My favorite cake is bon bon cake and I really wanted it but earlier in the day I was thinking that it wasn't going to happen this year... so I sat there and thought of all of the reasons why we shouldn't have bon bon cake... three days to go until my b-day, won't be able to eat it all, it will go to waste, etc. And what happened was, when Stacey showed up with the cake, instead of saying wow, thank you, that's awesome, I rhymed off all of the reasons why we shouldn't have the cake. I stopped as I was doing it and recognized what was going on... I used to that all the time with guys. Don't hear from them, think up all of the things that they might be doing or feeling and, by the time I see them again, I am already soured from all of the things that I have been convincing myself of all night... and, of course my I don't need anyone anyway attitude would just be a sparkeling when they finally did call.

As I was saying, last night I stopped myself... I challenged myself. I do care what he is feeling, I do want to be in a relationship with him, I need to give him the benefit of the doubt and believe what he says until he is ready to do otherwise. Yes, I can survive without him but, at this very moment, I don't want to. And I think the thing that really got through to me was - he gets to have doubt, too... he gets to have days that he doesn't want to see me, he gets to have time on his own; after all that we have been through, who can blame him for going slow. And I want slow. This is slow. Let's just wait and see what happens.

And I took out a puzzle that I wanted to start and I put on some music and I had a lovely evening with just me.

Men are from Mars...

Women are from Venus. Holy fuck, this book just called me and said "Bev, this is why."

"Setting limits and receiving are very scary for a woman. She is commonly afraid of needing too much and then being rejected, judged or abandoned. Rejection, judgment and abandonment are most painful because deep inside her unconscious she holds the incorrect belief that she is unworthy of receiving more. This belief was formed and reinforced in childhood every time she had to suppress her feelings, needs or wishes.

A woman is particularly vulnerable to the negative and incorrect belief that she doesn't deserve to be loved. If as a child she witnessed abuse or was directly abused, then she is even more vulnerable to feeling unworthy of love; it is harder for her to determine her worth. Hidden in the unconscious, this feeling of unworthiness generates a fear of needing others. A part of her imagines that she will not be supported.

Because she is afraid of not being supported, she unknowingly pushes away the support she needs. When a man receives the message that she doesn't trust him to fulfill her needs, then he feels immediately rejected and is turned off. Her hopelessness and mistrust transform her valid needs into desperate expressions of neediness and communicate to him the message that she doesn't trust him to support her. Ironically, men are primarily motivated by being needed, but are turned off by neediness.

At such times, a woman mistakenly assumes that having needs has turned him off when in truth it is her hopelessness, desperation and mistrust that has done so. Without recognizing that men need to be trusted, it is difficult and confusing for women to understand the difference between needing and neediness.

"Needing" is openly reaching out and asking for support from a man in a trusting manner, one that assumes that he will do his best. This empowers him. "Neediness," however, is desperately needing support because you don't trust you will get it. It pushes men away and makes them feel rejected and unappreciated.

For women, not only is needing others confusing but being disappointed or abandoned is especially painful, even in the smallest ways. It is not easy for her to depend on others and then be ignored, forgotten or dismissed. Needing others puts her in a vulnerable position. Being ignored or disappointed hurts more because it affirms the incorrect belief that she is unworthy.

For centuries the Venusians compensated for this fundamental fear of unworthiness by being attentive and responsive to the needs of others. They would give and give, but deep inside they did not feel worthy of receiving. They hoped that by giving they would become more worthy. After centuries of giving they finally realized that they were worthy of receiving love and support. Then they looked back and realized that they had always been worthy of support."

Morning Sickness

This is getting to be a daily situation... every morning I am freaking out about Ian and the whole relationship thing - trying to stop myself from running away screaming, making a serious attempt to convince myself that it's not going to work out and why should I bother and why am I here even going through this, he doesn't want me, I am just someone. By the evening everything is usually okay, I am smiling and confident that this is right... oh, but in the morning...

Freaking Out... but what else is new?

Okay... we had a good weekend. I went home last night to do some laundry. Before I was leaving I said I love you. Later he sent an email to say goodnight. I replied with "Do you know how much I love you? It's crazy... but I like it" or something like that. Fuck. Too much, too much! Why why why? Why do I do these things? This morning I'm trying to figure out how to take it back. Not take it back because I don't mean it but take it back because he hasn't responded. I know it's too much, too soon. I'm ready to bawl my face off right now. This is me. Please let me control myself... this is where I start freaking out and causing problems. And it's period week and that just makes it all so much fucking better!!!

I know, I should act cool... no big deal... let it slide. But this is the crisis point. Although, I guess this whole learning thing is to figure out how to deal with it differently. What I really want to do is be an asshole, cold and distant... run, run, run! Maybe instead I will try to just be normal. Hahahaha! Normal. Ya, that's gonna happen.

Last Night We Spoke

And then he undressed me and made me go out to the shed in the rain! Scum bag! So funny... so weird and crazy. We talked a bit... I rambled a bit. He said he's not seeing anyone else, that he doesn't like anyone else, that he likes me, that he wants to be with me. We are still in the "we'll see stage"... I told him that I don't know anything for sure yet but I would like to try, I think that we need to try. And without all of those jealousy's it should be a little easier for me to let go a bit more. He said he still talks to some of them... he started telling the whos and whats but I promptly told him that I didn't want to know... as long as he is not actively looking to date someone else I think I will be okay. I have to trust at some point and, if I'm going to trust anyone, it's him. And then I woke up with him this morning and thought... maybe this is not what I want. Hahaha... never ending saga...

Nervous

Why can't things just go smoothly? Why can't I just know that he is with me, that he wants to be with me... I am so afraid that he is still wanting to see other people but I don't know whether or not I should ask him. I want to talk about the relationship but don't know if it's too soon. I know, I know... I had it so good and I walked away from it. But but

Can't get past that part. I need to be patient. I need to trust that his feelings for me are strong enough. Am I sure yet? Am I so intense about this because he is not paying a ton of attention to me?

Fuck. Do I have what it takes to get through this???

But I can't stop thinking that maybe he is keeping me at arms length because I told him that's what I wanted... before I realized the real problem. What if he is not calling because he thinks I don't want him to call. Christ, I am so afraid to let him in... not let him in, I guess because he's not knocking... I am afraid to put my heart out there and cause more trouble than would come otherwise.

FRUSTRATED MUCH?????

And yet...

At the same time, I start thinking 'did he just spend so much time with me over the past week so that I could act as a buffer while his older brother was in town?' Yesterday I was thinking - why not me? Why do I think that I don't get this crazy little thing called love? Why do millions of people all over the world get to fall in love and have someone love them back but not me? Why do I think that everyone is just out to fuck me over? Instead of finding a reason why someone might want me, I find a reason why they might not. Then again, when it comes to Ian right now, there are lots of reasons why he might not want to be with me... learning his lesson the hard way for one thing. But then why invite me to spend time with his family like that? Why touch me the way he does? Why even bother considering getting back together?

And why can't I just go out with someone once for a change? Freak.

Ian

It just occurred to me that I should be making notes of how I feel about this whole thing with Ian daily because things are moving fast. I didn't say that's a bad thing... it's a fact. So the last time that I wrote was Tuesday, Nov 6... let's start there.

Wednesday, November 7
Wait - I will go one day further back... Tuesday (Monday night after I went to be to be precise) was the day that Ian sent me this email about how pissed off he was that I hid a pack of smokes in his closet so that he would start smoling again, blah, blah, blah. He really sounded pissed off and I felt super bad (not like the movie super bad but like the feeling super bad), the email ended with I otta fuck you - which made me think that he wasn't pissed off but maybe he was pissed off and was trying to make light of it; I emailed him back, blah, blah, blah, he said I bet you cried like a girl, I said of course I cried like a girl, you ass, he said I said I otta fuck you in the end so that meant it was a joke, I said that was the part that made me cry but I was kidding at that point. So, back to Wednesday... sort of... I had a shitty Tuesday but decided that I would leave well enough alone and let it unfold to see what would happen (I don't need to be in total control of my life and the lives of those around me anymore, you see!!). On Wednesday morning I got an email saying that he thought I liked those words, do I only say it for him and I don't really like it at all; I said I like those words in bed a lot and I say it for him and for me but mostly for me! And I said that I was only kidding about the crying (although I did shed one or two cuz I'm a wuss) and it turns out he felt bad about upsetting me! I don't know why that warmed the cockles of my heart but it did.

I went over to his place right after work. Rory was coming to visit that day he reminded me a couple of times, which I took as him politely telling me that there was a time limit. But then he wanted us to make supper. Then we made some cookies. We did all of this together, too... just like he wanted before... and it was fun - because I didn't get frustrated and bitchy. Then he wanted me to sleep over (Rory stayed at their mom's for the night). I said "this might seem silly to you but I don't want to sleep over while we are seeing other people" so we had sex and I went home. I really wanted to stay but (boy this is getting to be a long story for the middle of the work day!) I stuck to my guns. **I should mention that I found out the Friday before that he was going on a date, I said that I understood why and that I wasn't sure how I felt about the emotional part of having sex with him while he was dating other people... I thought about it and decided that I could handle the sex part (why deprive myself?) but the sleeping all cuddled and romantic was just too intimate for the situation. So I went home. Very proud of myself, might I add.

Thursday, November 8
A couple of cute emails during the day but not much conversation. He called in the evening to ask if I would watch Daisy for Friday night when they went to Vernon for some wood. Would I? WOULD I????????? Um, yeah.

Friday, November 9
I went over for the key in the morning, a smooch or two then to work. After work was odd, odd, odd... but in a good way. Daisy and I went for a walk and we cuddled and watched a movie and I was home. I was home, I was in love, I was going to tell Ian the next time that I saw him enough of this dating other people, things were going back to the way they were. But I knew I wouldn't. But I wanted to.

Saturday, November 10
Throughout the day I did his laundry, cleaned his bathroom, walked his dog... I was about to make him some muffins when he came home. Good woman or suck up? Little bit 'o both. Hung out with him and Rory in the evening... he wanted me to stay. I was surprised, and very happy. Again, he asked me to sleep over that night. Again, I said no. Why? I told you the other night. But you stayed here last night. But you weren't here. Then sleep on the other side of the bed. But no, I went home. Pat, pat, pat.

Sunday, November 11
He called in the morning as planned to let me know that they were going to start unloading the wood. (I had volunteered my services the night before... good woman or suck up? Who really knows for sure?) So I put on my duds and I went over and helped unload wood. There was a couple of times that he was kind of mean to me... just talking trash and making me feel bad a bit. He was inside on the phone for a bit so I was absolutely convinced that he was talking to a girl and I was jealous and frustrated and bothered but I kept working and when I was done I gave him a kiss and went on my merry way. And then he invited me over for supper with his mother and brother! And I didn't sleep over.

Monday, November 12
What happened Monday? I was feeling pretty sick. Ah, Monday was the wind storm. I sent him an email in the morning but didn't hear back from him. I didn't get upset... okay I was bothered a bit but said I'm sure there is a reason that doesn't neccessarily involve another woman - at some point I have to take the time we spend together as a good sign and just let it rest. Then he called... they had no power all day! Ahhhhh. Blah, blah, went for sushi, no sleep over.

Tuesday, November 13
I was home sick from work... felt poopy all day, sniffing and snotting on the stupid brown borrowed couch. I left my glasses the day before... I called on his cell and he was a little bit off. Take it personally? Yes. How do you know when to take it personally and when to not? I'm not a machine. I'm also still extremely afraid of being made a fool of... recognizing it is a start but it's not curing everything immediately. But he called when he got home and said to come over. I was still feeling crappy so said a thanks but no thanks. So, I'm sitting there... bored... confused... knowing what I think I want, what I'm pretty sure I want, not sure of where to go with it or what to do with it. For some reason I sat down and started reading old emails from last year. Holy crap - where was I last year? I was open and loving but I didn't not read the things that he said. It's like I skipped over the parts about him to get to the parts about me. He was so sweet, so heart-on-a-platter. I fucked him over but good. I know that won't happen again. I know I will never treat someone like that again. But what if something else is wrong? What if I'm wrong and he's not the one?

But you know what? How can I not try and give it everything that I have. In my old frame of mind, I could look at it as practice if nothing else. In this frame of mind, I love him. I want to be with him. So what if he's a skinny dork? I've always been attracted to skinny dorks. I think it's time that I just accept me for me and him for him and stop worrying about what we look like next to each other. Stop worrying that I will get my heart broken so I won't even put myself in the line of fire. Learn to give, learn to listen to other people, learn to care about something other than myself. I'm ready to have his baby for fuck sake! Well, not ready but definately getting ready. For 18 years I have not wanted children... until this past couple of weeks! I'm not ready to even say it out loud yet, I'm still having trouble thinking about it without tears coming to my eyes. But I think I want it... I look at babies and families and hear little David next door bawling his poor heart out and I think... yeah, I want that.

So I called Ian at 10:30pm, went over to his house and slept all night in his bed.

Shit day

I'm having a shit day. Shit day number two, actually, because yesterday was a shit day, too. I guess all that epiphany garbage is a big load. I don't mean that. I'm just crabby and I want to go home.

Oh...

and learn to move on...

Epiphany City!

Holy fuck... I was mean to Ian. Mean. No excuses, no reasons... I was mean. I think that it's time for me to let go of a couple of things... it's time for me to stop asking why and do something about it. Why doesn't matter anymore. My reasons became my excuses.

I was emailing Ian the other night and almost fell off my chair... in figuring out the reason that I am a control freak, I realized that it wasn't fear of getting hurt that motivated me... it was fear of screwing up. Do I sabotage so that I have a reason why things went a certain way? It was my choice... I was in complete control... no one hurt me or has ever hurt me... I am oh so happy with everything all of the time because my life is wonderful and if there is anything that I don't like or don't want to deal with I just push it away. It will go away eventually... just gotta keep pushing. Here, let me have another burger. It doesn't matter why... I need to accept that I do it and fix it. Have I been using all of this depression stuff as an excuse for being a bitch? Is what I viewed as being strong really shitty behavior?

I don't give anyone else a chance, do I? I always put myself out there and then pull it right back. I love you today, I hate you tomorrow. No matter what my reason, there is no excuse for the way I treated Ian. Or Fabian. Or Karl. Or Jeff. Or Paul. Or Dave. Same story over and over and over. I get so close and then bust my ass to get away. Is it because I afraid that he will hurt me? I really don't think so. Is it because I am afraid of failure? I don't think so... I cause the failure. Is it because I have to control everything? It's going to fail and I am going to make sure that I am the one who walks? I don't think so... again, I cause the failure.

Hmmm... I cause the failure. I (fucking hate my sub-conscious!!) cause the failure. Why? Or do I let go and just recognize that I do cause the failure and figure out how to not do the same in the future? So my mother called me fat when I was a kid. So? I already have determined that there was no ill will involved. Do I still get to use that as the reason I am fat? Is it because I get depressed every now and then? Because, realistically, it's every now and then now. I still milk it, I still use it as my excuse sometimes. Is it because I am waiting for some miracle epiphany to make it all go away? One day I'll go "Of course!!!!!" and the fat will just melt away.

And what about this not being nice to people? Some people I really make an effort with... Sheena... Debra maybe. [and the really funny part of that is they both let me push my ideas and opinions on to them and don't question it - to my face... Stacey, too, I think. I am mean to her a lot lately.] Otherwise, I am the queen... this is my perspective and it's not realistic to think that you might have another perspective. But if you convince me that you do, I will laugh at you and make you feel like shit. Isn't that a trait I hated in most of the men that I have been with? I have been slacking off at work like nobody's business for months now. Of course, it was Ian's fault. It was living with him that was so hard. He was very difficult on me, you know. He expected me to call when I was going to be late and he expected me to spend time with him. Oh, the horror. He loved me. I think that might have been his first error in judgment. [that's interesting... I still put myself down, too... does it matter why?] Of course, then I say he loved everyone... he's been with other women... he has loved them... he goes from one to the other as simple as he changes pants. And, instead of believing that he might love me for me, I became someone else entirely so that I wouldn't have to take a chance.

Take a chance at what? Take a chance that I might actually let someone see who I am? There's some things that I don't want him to see... so give him the rest, then, maybe. Wait - I'm asking why again. Does it matter? You recognize the problem, so fix the problem... don't keep looking for the whys and how-comes... is it going to make a difference? I have spent so much time looking for myself that I forgot the what I wanted to do when I found me... and, realistically, I think I found me long ago and just couldn't figure out the next step... or avoided the fact that there was a next step.

And, whatever. I make a commitment, I should keep the commitment... I should respect the commitment. The commitment to my loved ones, to my job, to myself. Stop making excuses and do something about it.

What is the something that I need to do? Ah, there's the rub. Accept that other people might have a different opinion. Accept that I might not be right... and that's okay. Accept that I might need help sometimes, that I might not be the best, that I might have to ask questions about things that I really don't know, accept help, accept help. Don't like help. How silly is that? I don't like someone doing something for me. Pisses me off. Don't try to help me, I have everything under control... don't help me unless I ask. Don't offer or try to be nice. And I have been treating others that way for how long now? And, when I ask you for help, you have to help the way I want you to. You can't do it your way. And when you do it wrong you will pay. Wooowee! You will pay... my razor sharp tongue, my attitude that you are not good enough, that you don't know enough, I will laugh at you and kind of do all of the things that I am afraid someone will do to me? HELLO? Stop asking why! It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It's okay to fall, it's okay to need help, it's okay to fail and try try again, it's okay to need love. But what I really have to work on is that I have to accept it as it is given. I don't get to choose how someone else acts, lives... my opinions are worthless because everyone gets to decide their lives themselves.

Fuck, I am mental! That's not an excuse, though.

Did I tell you that boys suck?

I guess I was right... I only come here with problems and bad feelings. Poor boys... I always pick on them. It's not their fault (I mean it is but I was trying to be nice). I'm the one that is messed up. But, knowing that, isn't it healthier to just hold back all feelings and not get involved with anyone? It sure feels better. So, I don't let anyone in. I tried it, didn't like it, not interested in trying again. Why can't I be an asshole? Why can't I stop the stupid emotions? Who's joke was this to give me man's attitude with girl's feelings? That's just mean.

No News is Good News

So, it looks like I totally ignore this site when everything is going okay! I'm really not as cranky and bitchy as I seem... sorta! Things have been really good. I am still at Ian's but moving back to my place soon. I ordered some wicked awesome furniture that's going to take 6-8 weeks to get... which puts me somewhere around mid-September. Brandon is visiting right now so it's better at Ian's anyway; there's nothing at my place except beige!

Ian and I have been getting along good since I decided to move out. I guess the weight came off my shoulders. And I have somewhere to go now and that's what this is all about.