Maybe I should just copy and paste an old entry here...nothing really changes, does it? I just repeat, repeat, repeat... do I learn anything? Apparently not. Or very little. Or maybe it's just Monday.
I keep telling myself that I'm not going to make any decisions right now, I'm not going to worry about it, I'm not going to think about it. We will be friends and see if anything happens; and maybe I don't even want anything to happen. Then I talk to him for 5 minutes on the phone and he's not totally excited to talk to me and I think that he doesn't like me and probably was there when I called but didn't want to answer and felt obligated to call me back but didn't want to (afterthought: I don't, however, think that maybe he just had major fucking surgery and is in a lot of pain and is probably tired because he has company and most likely isn't getting as much rest as he would otherwise; I don't think that he has been working his butt off to be brave for everyone else but feels that he can relax and be honest with me. Why is it so hard for me to believe that someone might actually like me? And why do I always have to determine the outcome of the whole relationship before anyone else gets a chance to have some input? Why can't I just let it go? Wait and see, Bevie, wait and see).
And then I think of all of the things that I didn't like when we were together - all of those little, insignificant things that don't seem to matter at all when things are going good - and I want to call off the whole thing. Not that there is anything to call off. But this is when the cold shoulder stuff usually starts. I don't want to call him and I don't want to see him.
Christ, I'm fucked up. I know, I think the shit out of everything. Doesn't everyone? Honestly, doesn't everyone think through their feelings and try to figure out the other person's feelings and head for the hills the very second that the guy isn't everything you ever wanted him to be and oh so much more. Well, I guess that little bit of sarcasm answered that question. Hang on, I'm learning, I'm learning. Two steps forward and one step back is still progress.
