I went to see Ian last night... actually, I left work at 2pm and was at the hospital from about 3-8pm. He's doing pretty good, in a lot of pain but no longer diabetic. How crazy is that? He has been diabetic for 28 years. For 28 years he has had to basically obsess over very morsel of food that went into his mouth, he has had lows too low and highs too high and now... all better.
But enough about him... let's talk about my feelings. Haha... cuz that's what we do. I did not (consciously) realize that I am always afraid of over stepping boundaries, I always think that I am not wanted, I always assume that people don't want me around - unless there is something in it for them (men, read: sex). And I guess I always hated the insecurity so I buried it. And that's why I always left. That's why it's so easy for me to walk away... because I assume that I'm not wanted there anyway. [Okay, now I'm crying at work... there's no one else here yet, though]
Maybe that's a reflection of the company I keep. Maybe the company I keep is a reflection of that. Whatever. Maybe it's me. [Do ya think???] Doesn't change the fact. I guess I always knew about that tendancy when it comes to men but it's everyone. If Julie doesn't reply to an email, I assume that she is over me and our friendship is over... and then I get one that says 'yay, just got back from Disneyland'. I sent Karen Hunt an email last week asking her why she doesn't like me anymore, what did I do... and she says 'what'? That planted a seed... perhaps I have been reading this wrong, so wrong. And yesterday I struggled all day over visiting Ian... until I got to the point that I accepted that I needed to see him and his feelings were inmaterial... I still have no idea whether or not he wanted me there. How do you know if you are wanted or not???
How am I supposed to act? How am I supposed to know when to leave? How am I supposed to find the line between when they want me there and when I've overstayed my welcome and people are just too polite to say? At what point do people say 'fuck, go away already'. Ha... with men I think it's usually after I've left 5 or 6 times or after I've been a super bitch for as long as they can take. [perhaps wanting them to push me away?] Hot damn, do I really read people that wrong?? Except now, like yesterday at the hospital with Ian, I said 'is this okay?'. He said yes but as time went on I didn't know if I should go or not. I guess that's why I took it off my shoulders and told him that he has to tell me when to go. But that's different. You can't do that in a social situation nor in a romantic situation. No one is going to say 'it's time for you to go now' so I guess that means that I have to figure it out. And figure it out I always did. But what if I was figuring wrong. Godamit! What have I done to my fucking head? I mean I'm finally straightening it out but everytime I turn another corner I unearth some other godforsaken tidbit of my insecurity that I didn't even know exsisted until a few months ago.
Foot note: The two Stacey's both agree that I am over thinking all of this... however, one says I should visit every day and the other says that I should not visit again until he is home and then only once... why am I confused, again? Can't remember!!!
