Here's a new development... he didn't want to see me yesterday. He didn't email all day and I was going into avoidance mode (because I didn't really feel like going over there, either... but that's not important right now... lol) but then I remembered that I had made a comment the day before about him cooking me supper so I called... at the very least to tell him that I didn't want to come over (but that's not important right now!). He was very quiet and withdrawn on the phone... he said that he wasn't feeling well. I said no worries, go chill out... then he told me a bit about his day and we hung up.
Okay, so my instant reaction was that he doesn't want to be with me... he was at the concert the night before and something happened and he is moving on... blah, blah, blah. And, while that might be so because I really have no idea what is happening with him, the difference was that when I started my "that's okay, who needs him, I don't care, better off on my own" speil I stopped myself.
Here is how it usually works... and I learned this oddly due to my birthday cake. Stacey was coming over on Thursday to leave for Seattle the next day, my birthday was Sunday. My favorite cake is bon bon cake and I really wanted it but earlier in the day I was thinking that it wasn't going to happen this year... so I sat there and thought of all of the reasons why we shouldn't have bon bon cake... three days to go until my b-day, won't be able to eat it all, it will go to waste, etc. And what happened was, when Stacey showed up with the cake, instead of saying wow, thank you, that's awesome, I rhymed off all of the reasons why we shouldn't have the cake. I stopped as I was doing it and recognized what was going on... I used to that all the time with guys. Don't hear from them, think up all of the things that they might be doing or feeling and, by the time I see them again, I am already soured from all of the things that I have been convincing myself of all night... and, of course my I don't need anyone anyway attitude would just be a sparkeling when they finally did call.
As I was saying, last night I stopped myself... I challenged myself. I do care what he is feeling, I do want to be in a relationship with him, I need to give him the benefit of the doubt and believe what he says until he is ready to do otherwise. Yes, I can survive without him but, at this very moment, I don't want to. And I think the thing that really got through to me was - he gets to have doubt, too... he gets to have days that he doesn't want to see me, he gets to have time on his own; after all that we have been through, who can blame him for going slow. And I want slow. This is slow. Let's just wait and see what happens.
And I took out a puzzle that I wanted to start and I put on some music and I had a lovely evening with just me.
