I spent the night dreaming about Ian last night. I don't remember the dreams but I know he was in them. I'm pretty sure it was something about him realizing what a big mistake he has made and asking for me back... and I said no. I don't want to be with someone that would be with someone that did the things that she did to him. I hope it works out, I hope he is happy and, deep deep down in places that I don't normally venture, a part of me hopes that she fucks him over but good.
I guess it's a bit much to ask to be totally over him in a week... and, honestly, I wouldn't want to be over him that fast. What would that say about my ability to love if I could turn it off like that? I used to think that I could turn it on and off but I know now that all I did was bury it/avoid it/deny it... and then my hair started falling out and I would throw up on a near daily basis. I am so glad that is over. I'll take a little pain right now - I'm learning, I'm learning.
I went on a date last night but, to be fair, I didn't really know it was a date. Ken called me up and asked me out... we went to the Keg. It was very good, I ate way too much, he drank way too much. Poor guy. He was so nervous and a wee bit clutzy... kinda told me that he loved me a couple of times and gushed a little about how wonderful I am (which I totally agree! LOL). He said it was his first real date since his wife left him 20 years ago. That must be an exageration but, still, I know it has been a long time for him. I worked with the guy for more than a year so I knew about most of what he told me already. Of course the alcohol loosened the lips a bit, as it tends to do. Ken is a great guy and I really like him but not in that way. Firstly and very most importantly, he is a boozer and periodically likes his drugs. Above and beyond anything else, I would never consider being with someone like that again.
I want someone that has his shit together, who is active and likes to do stuff, who has lots of friends and family that love him. I don't have to save the world anymore.
The unexpected side effects of straightening out my brain are vast and exciting. I am me. I don't constantly feel like people don't like me, I don't watch for signs that they would rather be somewhere else, I don't swing from ray-of-sunshine to mental case from moment to moment. I'm ready. I finally found the key that I have been looking for since I was a teenager. Thank you god, if you are out there anywhere!
