Holy fuck... I was mean to Ian. Mean. No excuses, no reasons... I was mean. I think that it's time for me to let go of a couple of things... it's time for me to stop asking why and do something about it. Why doesn't matter anymore. My reasons became my excuses.
I was emailing Ian the other night and almost fell off my chair... in figuring out the reason that I am a control freak, I realized that it wasn't fear of getting hurt that motivated me... it was fear of screwing up. Do I sabotage so that I have a reason why things went a certain way? It was my choice... I was in complete control... no one hurt me or has ever hurt me... I am oh so happy with everything all of the time because my life is wonderful and if there is anything that I don't like or don't want to deal with I just push it away. It will go away eventually... just gotta keep pushing. Here, let me have another burger. It doesn't matter why... I need to accept that I do it and fix it. Have I been using all of this depression stuff as an excuse for being a bitch? Is what I viewed as being strong really shitty behavior?
I don't give anyone else a chance, do I? I always put myself out there and then pull it right back. I love you today, I hate you tomorrow. No matter what my reason, there is no excuse for the way I treated Ian. Or Fabian. Or Karl. Or Jeff. Or Paul. Or Dave. Same story over and over and over. I get so close and then bust my ass to get away. Is it because I afraid that he will hurt me? I really don't think so. Is it because I am afraid of failure? I don't think so... I cause the failure. Is it because I have to control everything? It's going to fail and I am going to make sure that I am the one who walks? I don't think so... again, I cause the failure.
Hmmm... I cause the failure. I (fucking hate my sub-conscious!!) cause the failure. Why? Or do I let go and just recognize that I do cause the failure and figure out how to not do the same in the future? So my mother called me fat when I was a kid. So? I already have determined that there was no ill will involved. Do I still get to use that as the reason I am fat? Is it because I get depressed every now and then? Because, realistically, it's every now and then now. I still milk it, I still use it as my excuse sometimes. Is it because I am waiting for some miracle epiphany to make it all go away? One day I'll go "Of course!!!!!" and the fat will just melt away.
And what about this not being nice to people? Some people I really make an effort with... Sheena... Debra maybe. [and the really funny part of that is they both let me push my ideas and opinions on to them and don't question it - to my face... Stacey, too, I think. I am mean to her a lot lately.] Otherwise, I am the queen... this is my perspective and it's not realistic to think that you might have another perspective. But if you convince me that you do, I will laugh at you and make you feel like shit. Isn't that a trait I hated in most of the men that I have been with? I have been slacking off at work like nobody's business for months now. Of course, it was Ian's fault. It was living with him that was so hard. He was very difficult on me, you know. He expected me to call when I was going to be late and he expected me to spend time with him. Oh, the horror. He loved me. I think that might have been his first error in judgment. [that's interesting... I still put myself down, too... does it matter why?] Of course, then I say he loved everyone... he's been with other women... he has loved them... he goes from one to the other as simple as he changes pants. And, instead of believing that he might love me for me, I became someone else entirely so that I wouldn't have to take a chance.
Take a chance at what? Take a chance that I might actually let someone see who I am? There's some things that I don't want him to see... so give him the rest, then, maybe. Wait - I'm asking why again. Does it matter? You recognize the problem, so fix the problem... don't keep looking for the whys and how-comes... is it going to make a difference? I have spent so much time looking for myself that I forgot the what I wanted to do when I found me... and, realistically, I think I found me long ago and just couldn't figure out the next step... or avoided the fact that there was a next step.
And, whatever. I make a commitment, I should keep the commitment... I should respect the commitment. The commitment to my loved ones, to my job, to myself. Stop making excuses and do something about it.
What is the something that I need to do? Ah, there's the rub. Accept that other people might have a different opinion. Accept that I might not be right... and that's okay. Accept that I might need help sometimes, that I might not be the best, that I might have to ask questions about things that I really don't know, accept help, accept help. Don't like help. How silly is that? I don't like someone doing something for me. Pisses me off. Don't try to help me, I have everything under control... don't help me unless I ask. Don't offer or try to be nice. And I have been treating others that way for how long now? And, when I ask you for help, you have to help the way I want you to. You can't do it your way. And when you do it wrong you will pay. Wooowee! You will pay... my razor sharp tongue, my attitude that you are not good enough, that you don't know enough, I will laugh at you and kind of do all of the things that I am afraid someone will do to me? HELLO? Stop asking why! It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It's okay to fall, it's okay to need help, it's okay to fail and try try again, it's okay to need love. But what I really have to work on is that I have to accept it as it is given. I don't get to choose how someone else acts, lives... my opinions are worthless because everyone gets to decide their lives themselves.
Fuck, I am mental! That's not an excuse, though.
