It just occurred to me that I should be making notes of how I feel about this whole thing with Ian daily because things are moving fast. I didn't say that's a bad thing... it's a fact. So the last time that I wrote was Tuesday, Nov 6... let's start there.
Wednesday, November 7
Wait - I will go one day further back... Tuesday (Monday night after I went to be to be precise) was the day that Ian sent me this email about how pissed off he was that I hid a pack of smokes in his closet so that he would start smoling again, blah, blah, blah. He really sounded pissed off and I felt super bad (not like the movie super bad but like the feeling super bad), the email ended with I otta fuck you - which made me think that he wasn't pissed off but maybe he was pissed off and was trying to make light of it; I emailed him back, blah, blah, blah, he said I bet you cried like a girl, I said of course I cried like a girl, you ass, he said I said I otta fuck you in the end so that meant it was a joke, I said that was the part that made me cry but I was kidding at that point. So, back to Wednesday... sort of... I had a shitty Tuesday but decided that I would leave well enough alone and let it unfold to see what would happen (I don't need to be in total control of my life and the lives of those around me anymore, you see!!). On Wednesday morning I got an email saying that he thought I liked those words, do I only say it for him and I don't really like it at all; I said I like those words in bed a lot and I say it for him and for me but mostly for me! And I said that I was only kidding about the crying (although I did shed one or two cuz I'm a wuss) and it turns out he felt bad about upsetting me! I don't know why that warmed the cockles of my heart but it did.
I went over to his place right after work. Rory was coming to visit that day he reminded me a couple of times, which I took as him politely telling me that there was a time limit. But then he wanted us to make supper. Then we made some cookies. We did all of this together, too... just like he wanted before... and it was fun - because I didn't get frustrated and bitchy. Then he wanted me to sleep over (Rory stayed at their mom's for the night). I said "this might seem silly to you but I don't want to sleep over while we are seeing other people" so we had sex and I went home. I really wanted to stay but (boy this is getting to be a long story for the middle of the work day!) I stuck to my guns. **I should mention that I found out the Friday before that he was going on a date, I said that I understood why and that I wasn't sure how I felt about the emotional part of having sex with him while he was dating other people... I thought about it and decided that I could handle the sex part (why deprive myself?) but the sleeping all cuddled and romantic was just too intimate for the situation. So I went home. Very proud of myself, might I add.
Thursday, November 8
A couple of cute emails during the day but not much conversation. He called in the evening to ask if I would watch Daisy for Friday night when they went to Vernon for some wood. Would I? WOULD I????????? Um, yeah.
Friday, November 9
I went over for the key in the morning, a smooch or two then to work. After work was odd, odd, odd... but in a good way. Daisy and I went for a walk and we cuddled and watched a movie and I was home. I was home, I was in love, I was going to tell Ian the next time that I saw him enough of this dating other people, things were going back to the way they were. But I knew I wouldn't. But I wanted to.
Saturday, November 10
Throughout the day I did his laundry, cleaned his bathroom, walked his dog... I was about to make him some muffins when he came home. Good woman or suck up? Little bit 'o both. Hung out with him and Rory in the evening... he wanted me to stay. I was surprised, and very happy. Again, he asked me to sleep over that night. Again, I said no. Why? I told you the other night. But you stayed here last night. But you weren't here. Then sleep on the other side of the bed. But no, I went home. Pat, pat, pat.
Sunday, November 11
He called in the morning as planned to let me know that they were going to start unloading the wood. (I had volunteered my services the night before... good woman or suck up? Who really knows for sure?) So I put on my duds and I went over and helped unload wood. There was a couple of times that he was kind of mean to me... just talking trash and making me feel bad a bit. He was inside on the phone for a bit so I was absolutely convinced that he was talking to a girl and I was jealous and frustrated and bothered but I kept working and when I was done I gave him a kiss and went on my merry way. And then he invited me over for supper with his mother and brother! And I didn't sleep over.
Monday, November 12
What happened Monday? I was feeling pretty sick. Ah, Monday was the wind storm. I sent him an email in the morning but didn't hear back from him. I didn't get upset... okay I was bothered a bit but said I'm sure there is a reason that doesn't neccessarily involve another woman - at some point I have to take the time we spend together as a good sign and just let it rest. Then he called... they had no power all day! Ahhhhh. Blah, blah, went for sushi, no sleep over.
Tuesday, November 13
I was home sick from work... felt poopy all day, sniffing and snotting on the stupid brown borrowed couch. I left my glasses the day before... I called on his cell and he was a little bit off. Take it personally? Yes. How do you know when to take it personally and when to not? I'm not a machine. I'm also still extremely afraid of being made a fool of... recognizing it is a start but it's not curing everything immediately. But he called when he got home and said to come over. I was still feeling crappy so said a thanks but no thanks. So, I'm sitting there... bored... confused... knowing what I think I want, what I'm pretty sure I want, not sure of where to go with it or what to do with it. For some reason I sat down and started reading old emails from last year. Holy crap - where was I last year? I was open and loving but I didn't not read the things that he said. It's like I skipped over the parts about him to get to the parts about me. He was so sweet, so heart-on-a-platter. I fucked him over but good. I know that won't happen again. I know I will never treat someone like that again. But what if something else is wrong? What if I'm wrong and he's not the one?
But you know what? How can I not try and give it everything that I have. In my old frame of mind, I could look at it as practice if nothing else. In this frame of mind, I love him. I want to be with him. So what if he's a skinny dork? I've always been attracted to skinny dorks. I think it's time that I just accept me for me and him for him and stop worrying about what we look like next to each other. Stop worrying that I will get my heart broken so I won't even put myself in the line of fire. Learn to give, learn to listen to other people, learn to care about something other than myself. I'm ready to have his baby for fuck sake! Well, not ready but definately getting ready. For 18 years I have not wanted children... until this past couple of weeks! I'm not ready to even say it out loud yet, I'm still having trouble thinking about it without tears coming to my eyes. But I think I want it... I look at babies and families and hear little David next door bawling his poor heart out and I think... yeah, I want that.
So I called Ian at 10:30pm, went over to his house and slept all night in his bed.
