Godamit! Stop. Seriously. I could just cry... good cry... you know, like, won the lottery cry... just figured it out cry. (By the way? B.C. Green loves me!) It's a cycle.
Simple as that - it's a cycle.
Debra said that once and I said "what?"... she said "but you will still have the cycle"... and I said "the what????????????". And all I thought about is the fact that I would have to live with this for the rest of my life... there is no way to make it go away completely. How did I get so dense? It's the easiest answer of all.
It's a cycle.
It's not a menstrual cycle. It's not once a month, every fourth Thursday. I go through a cycle that... well, I haven't figured it out yet but I know it's a cycle. You might be wondering why I am so excited by that. Don't you realize the steps that I have taken to fix this? Not to mention the things that I did when I didn't even know that I had this fucking head-case disease (what are you supposed to call it? mental illness? No wonder I won't freakin' tell anyone about it!! Mental illness... very nice) like all of the times that I moved, changed jobs, broke up with boyfriends, but do you know all of the things that I have been doing to try to fix this since I found out? Hot damn. A cycle.
Because every time I start feeling down I look for the cause and try to find a way to change it. As soon as anything comes on, I sit down and wait for it, invite it in. Then I look for a way out. I think, since I found out, I have considered killing myself no less than every single time I had a crash. Every single time except the past two. The past two times I have been confident that I would get through it, yes, it's inconvenient, frustrating, confusing but if I want to live then I have to live through it and that's just the way it is. But it was so simple. Nothing brings it on - I mean, to a degree, I am sure there are triggers but it just comes and goes IN A CyClE! Do you know what a relief that is?
Let me clarify because Obviously I knew that there was some kind of a cycle going on. I would bawl my face off for a day and, all the while, think "nothing is wrong" "there is nothing that happened today to cause a complete breakdown". It was just that some days I couldn't cope with the world and I accepted that. That part I got. What I didn't figure out is that all of the days in between those breakdowns are a cycle, too. All of those days that I don't feel like talking to anyone, I don't want to work, I hate my boss, I need to breakup with my boyfriend, I need to find a boyfriend, I need to get laid, I need some booze or pot or a vibrator. All of those days were just part of a cycle. I was feeling shitty... and I kept looking for a reason why and tried to fix it.
Perhaps I could just be for a while. Perhaps I could just live with it, be content, accept it and not be a total bitch and push everyone away and be mad at everyone and look for irritations, assume everyone hates me. If only I could get a new career, that would help. I hate my boss and it is making me change jobs. What's going to be different with the next job, boss, boyfriend, house, dog, car, drink. I am still trying to fix it and I need to stop. I need to accept it, I need to accept me. I'm okay. The constant internal struggle is unnecessary. It's a cycle and it will go away in time. Same boyfriend, same job, same boss, same life.
Muthrfuker!
