A few things happened yesterday that I would like to comment on...
First of all, I had a big crash yesterday... started crying (AT WORK!), went home early, had a crazy headache, slept for two hours and felt like me again when I got up. More like me than I have all month. I'm not saying it's all over because it has been a seriously bad up and down month but I will take even a little reprieve at this point. Today my brain seems to be working normally ... and even at my lowest moment yesterday I didn't lose hope, I didn't want to kill myself, I didn't feel trapped and discouraged because this obviously will never end. What I did do was question it.
So, in light of the questions that I want answered, I started a journal to record how much I sleep, eat, exercise, study, socialize, drink, partake in other extra-ciricular activities. I will record the weather, where I go, what I do, who I interact with, how I feel physically and mentally. Maybe I will find a trigger that I missed in the past or, at the very least, notice a cycle of cause and effect that will enable me to determine when a crash is coming on and learn to work with it instead of against it.
Another noteable event happened in the evening. I walked down to Ian's to collect my purchase. He made dinner. He put the moves on me again and again. I reminded him that he said we shouldn't do this anymore but still he was persistent. I let him kiss me, I let him touch me, pleasure me and then I pushed him away. A little later he tried again but he more just hugged me than anything else. I kept telling him no but I have to admit it was no to casual screwing around more so than no to sex. At one point he said "you're still good"... does this mean that I once was bad? That comment sparked a sliver of a memory but I just can't grasp it... was I not good somehow... and how was I not good? In a way it pissed me off that he was so persistent. Flattering I guess, which is why I have opened my legs for all those other men but was it flattering? How can it be offensive and flattering at the same time? He obviously wanted to get his rocks off and was willing to use what advantage he could to get his way. Which I get but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt at the same time. And so I made him walk me home.
Casual friendship sex is an absolute no that I will not waiver on (go me!!!!!!) but would I say yes to more? I honestly don't know the answer to that question. What I do know is that, if he wants me, he is going to have to work for it, he is going to have to convince me because I will not start up again like it was. The last time we started seeing each other he hurt my feelings a lot and he didn't get it. I was willing to give it my all but when push came to shove he walked away... and started looking for someone else. He has gotten me twice with that plentyoffish shit and it will not happen again. So I guess I will wait and see where - if anywhere - he takes this but I am not giving the milk away for free. I am different, I expect more and I deserve more!
See? Progress!
