Oprah's on/Oprah's wrong

For the past few days I have been sitting on my couch, watching Oprah's 20 year anniversary DVD box set thingy that I gave to Julie for Christmas years ago and borrowed back from Julie years ago and finally started to watch. I started to watch because I have been studying to be me and something that I read in Cesar Millan's dog book made me think, yes, I would like to observe this woman and how she connects with people because I want to connect with people. So this is pure study and not at all entertainment. ;-)

Okay, well, that's how it started and it is still that but it has been very entertaining and enlightening, too. The section about her weight struggles was on earlier and she said something that made me really stop and think. Oprah said that you won't lose weight until you learn to love yourself. And I don't agree. I love myself. I have taken strides to ensure that I love myself. I have worked hard to become myself, to become a person that I do love, to become who I want to be. And I truly believe that deep, deep, deep down, in my very soul, I love myself. Also, I would like to point out that these dvd's were recorded in 2005 and Oprah has since admitted to her continuing struggle with food. Does Oprah not love herself?

And, as I was standing in my kitchen, grating up the cheese to put on my nachos for my mid-afternoon snack - more for something to do than anything - it hit me. I love food. I hate food and the hatred that I feel for food has spurred me into stopping the love affair time and time again but I keep coming back. It's like an abusive relationship. It hurts me and it sickens me and it beats me down, food takes away my self esteem and food is my punishment and makes me feel like I am less than I should be. And I hate food so I leave. But, inevitably, I go back.

We have this honeymoon period. Food promises that it will never wrong me again, food loves me, food is wonderful. Food romances me and food gives me complete control over our relationship. Until the moment that I realize that I got sucked in again. Food has again taken away my self worth, food has made me into something that I don't want to be, food has stolen my dignity. And more I fight it, the more it wins. The more I struggle and make threats and run away, the more it controls me. The only way that I can beat food is to take away it's power. The only way that I can win is to be me. Fat or not fat, I need to live my life.

Because something else occurred to me right after - something that was by no means a secret but needed to be brought up again - I am not fulfilled. I am not happy because I am not living the life that I want to live. I sit here in my comfort zone and I let life happen all around me. That's not enough for me anymore. I want to be me. I want to be the person that I know I can be. I always comment on the struggle of being different and going my own way and taking the long way around but I am still only half doing it. Well, here's my opportunity. Here is my chance to make a change.

It's not about money - I do not care about money. I do not care about stuff. I do not care what kind of car I drive, where I live, how much I spent on my furniture. No matter where I am or what I do, I will always take pride in what I have, my home will always reflect my personality, I will be the person that I am inside. So, how to become fulfilled? That is the question.

I want to help people. I want to walk my talk. I want to do... something. I guess it's time to start figuring out what that is.

Wish me luck.

Still haven't found what I'm looking for

SOLD! Okay, Stacey, accepted offer. lol Subjects removed on the 11th and then SOLD!

Yet, oddly, not the best day ever. Not a totally bad day; not the best day that got better at around 5pm. When - I think - I decided on the next step. Beginning details:

1. go to school - Academy of Learning, Hospitality Management

2. new car - Jeep Cherokee Sport, Black (my dream car of yore!)

3. get a waitressing gig - pub is hiring, senior's place is, too

4. new pad - sell most of my furniture and go minimalist?

5. become a movie extra - just for something interesting to do... just so I can say I did!

Run, Forest... Run!

Oh fuck. You have no idea what it's like to be me. Of course, I also have no idea what it's like to be you but we are talking about me here? Hello? Me? Pay attention!

Ya. Stoned.

I hate it when I don't like being me. I like being me. I really like being me. About 95% of the time I like being me... but that fucking other 5% fucks it up for everyone else. God, I have to work on her, don't I? The jealous girl? That part of me that hates every good looking woman on the face of the planet. How odd... I never read it as jealously before but mother fucker, all I wanted to do was leave and cry and go to McDonald's. Oops... let's go back a minute or two.

I love this program that I am doing. I love the people... I have not been in a setting like this in so long. Like, since Newfoundland, almost. Like, high school. All the cool kids go to lunch everyday... but I really make an effort to let everyone know that they're invited. My version of high school = no cliques. This is where I am me at my finest... almost. And every mistake is a step closer to getting it right. I'm struggling, I really am. This is hard. I am already past where I would normally be. Of course, I go every day so its hard to lose the edge. Like swimming lessons. And step class. And dancing lessons. And probably a billion other things that I have started and stopped. School. Guitar.

It's hard. I am learning a lot but that's not what's hard. It's dealing with all of these different people every day. I have no choice but to be me. There's no one to impress, there's no one to embarrass, no one to say "oh, aren't you smart with your big words?" There's no one to let down so I am free to be me. Sure the people in my course might think badly of me but no one that I care about. And, honestly, I don't think anyone does think badly of me. If they do and they are talking about me behind my back, I am absolutely okay with that. Go crazy! Say whatever you want. I have no idea, I am oblivious and I intend to keep it that way. No, my head isn't in the sand, I recognize the obvious signs that people aren't really interested in talking to me. That's okay. No one likes everyone and no everyone likes one. I can not help it if someone is being nice to my face while laughing behind my back or whatever and if they have enough of a problem, I will be able to tell. But if someone is writing shit about me on the blackboard during recess, isn't that more of a reflection on him? Really? That shit does not bother me. (Anymore, okay? I said it doesn't bother me anymore! lol)

It's when four of us go out for a beer. And it's me and Susan and Dave and Russell. And I am so jealous! So jealous! It's not that I want to be like her or look like her. Susan is beautiful and I really like her. Actually, if there was any woman that I would want to put the moves on, it's her. (That's so funny... I kill me, man! Who says shit like that? But it's how I feel.) So, Mom was wrong when she said that I always wanted to be little like my childhood/teenage best friend, Sue. That was her baggage.

What I wanted was for people to look at me and treat me like they did Sue. Like they look at and treat Susan. But, and here's the catch, for people to look and treat me that way, I would have to act that way. I would have to be soft and delicate and needing to be taken care of. I would have to gag and giggle and flip my hair and tell everyone about how my boyfriend fucked around on me. So, no.

Unfortunately, that doesn't help.

I'm just so different. I'm so different. Not like a girl at all. Stacey might have taught me to carry a purse but I'm not like the other girls.

And that does help! I'm not like the other girls and I don't want to be like the other girls. I can't be like the other girls. I am me and I have to be or I will never be happy. Oh, yeah, my days of faking it are over. Long over. And the moody shit is under control, too. All that's left is this spare tire. Seriously. I don't think that people dislike me because I'm fat, I don't think that no man will ever love me because I'm fat. I think - I know - that I will never get the man that I want while I am fat.

So I need to be less fat. (Have I heard this somewhere before??)

But, fat or not fat, I am not going to be jealous of the way men look at Susan. I don't want to act like Susan (sorry, Susan - if you ever read this - I love you like crazy... this is just old shit... it's nice to set it free but I didn't even know it was there!). And because I don't want to act like Susan, men will not look at me like they do Susan. We both have our strengths. Maybe she is a bit jealous of me. Maybe her need to command the room is because that's what I do. (my aren't we full of ourselves, hmmm?) My joking around and smartass remarking is not helping them, not pleasing them. And I say "them" now because I just realized that the smartassing is what I do to Winn (our facilitator) and I take a bit of her wind. It's not that I plan to be anyone that I'm not or that I will pull back and shrink so that I won't take their spotlight. OMG! MAYBE I TOOK MY MOTHER'S WIND! (fuck, it seriously kills me how much I sound like I'm fuckin' full of my self! I'm really not... I don't think!)

I'm not even consciously trying to get attention. I was thinking of that earlier. I am not looking for rewards. I'm not looking for hugs and looks of pity. Not for me. I think I just want to be awesome at everything and in every way. But guess what? No one is awesome in everything and no everything awesome is in one. I kind of hog the spotlight sometimes. And, like my mother said when trying to make me understand why she kinda forgot about me when I was a kid, you don't pay attention to the one who is doing good because you have to put so much effort into the one who is having problems. When it comes to attention, you almost get punished for behaving or doing well and rewarded for getting into trouble. Perhaps my commanding attention comes from my understanding that it's the only way I can get it and be true to myself.

Change

You cannot possibly understand what it feels like to have changed "different" and "wrong" into "special" and "right". I have ventured out into the world full force for the first time as 'this person' (as I like to call me now) and I am shocked at the response I have received. And inspired. And grateful. And amazed. And relieved.

Sofa King

I'm sorry... I must complain a little bit... just a bit and then I will move on. I promise.

Dude. I'm sofa king bored. I'm sofa king lonely. I'm sofa king done with this.

Okay, well, the good news is that I am starting a seminar thingy with a consulting agency on Monday. They are supposed to help you find a job and I am really looking for some insight and tips on how I can convince those Amica people to hire me. And it will be a reason to get up in the morning. And there will be other people there. Ya. I'm pretty excited! Going slow but still moving forward...

Failure & Success

I went to give blood today and I was turned away. My temperature was too high (max: 37.5/me:37.9) and my blood pressure was too high (118/42). The nurse had me sit to the side for 10 minutes because she said my gum chewing probably raised my temperature and I always feel my pulse quicken as soon as they strap that black blood pressure thing around my arm. 10 minutes later - I did even worse.

So, what does that say? Why am I still here? Why did I work for almost three weeks to lose four pounds only to gain two back yesterday because I ate too much. Spite. Fuckin' spite.

The story doesn't change. Change it already! God, I am so fucking sick of this. I need a job. I need to be around people. I need structure. I need a purpose.

And yet...

it's the same story.

Beverly, yesterday's tomorrow is TODAY!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There is something else going on, too, and I have been back and forth about whether or not I want to comment on it. It's totally embarrassing but has been a part of my life forever. My shame. You don't even know me and I still can't say it. Because what if? What if someone that does know me finds this? I suck. Okay. Fuck. Just say it. Christ. I don't know if I...

Okay. I quit sucking my thumb the other day. Can you believe that? A grown woman who sucks her thumb. This is something that I have done for 38 years (and I'm only 37.5!)... since I had a thumb.

I was probably about five when I started hiding it - if not before. I remember thinking that I didn't have to quit until I was seven because that's when Cathy quit. But seven came and went. I tried to stop over the years but it was kind of like food, I guess... it was a crutch. It was a comfort. It was a habit. Eventually I just stopped trying to stop. I hid it, it was a secret (remember I told Stacey that I needed the right bed in Mexico? Because I didn't want her to wake before me and see it... I was turned the other way).

One thing that always made me laugh - but a sarcastic sad laugh instead of a laugh of pleasure - I lived with Karl for 5 YEARS and he didn't know. Fabian stayed over a million times and he didn't know. I lived with Ian for a year and he didn't know. How is that possible? No one knows except Debra and Julie; Mom and Cathy used to know but it hasn't been the subject of much conversation over the past 20 years or so.

Anyway, I stopped because I just felt it was time. And I really don't want to do it anymore - although I wonder if I am still doing it in my sleep. I will test it eventually. But I miss it. It's unbelievable how much. I crave it. I physically feel the loss.

And I'm a big fucking baby who always has an excuse. And nothing ever changes. Except now I'm a big fucking baby who has one less big fucking baby habit.

I hereby declare today...

THINKING DAY!

Ian & Daisy just left. (pssst... we smoked a dooby! tee hee!) (oh, and, I LOVE THAT DOG!) Debra called while he was here and left a message that she wants to talk about Dad's big trip to Ireland next year. I didn't call her back. I was supposed to call Mom back last night but got so caught up in the cover letter I was writing that it was too late by the time I thought about it. I intended to call her tonight instead but I won't. I have also decided that I won't answer the phone if it rings tonight... I'm going incognito! But it's DEBRA! was my first thought. Good god, have I ever willingly in my whole life not taken a call from Debra? I highly doubt it. And, instead of feeling guilty, I decided that there is nothing wrong with a day off every now and then. It sounds pretty shittin' funny that I want a day off from doing nothing when I have spent so much time bawling my ass off because I was so lonely!! But this is how I feel and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I know if there was some problem or emergency I would be there for whomever needed me but... I guess I need me tonight. Ian brought the party favours and graciously left two hours later.

Okay, if I'm totally honest, I don't want anyone to know that I smoked pot today. I don't know why - I just don't. For the same reason I never admit to that very last cigarette that I had in October, after I quit smoking in August. August 7th is still my quit date... the fact that I had one months later was not smoking as much as it was the final step in quiting. Perhaps that's what this is. Then again, that 'one last piece of chocolate' and the fact that Mondays apparently have never existed in my world until now tells me to tread cautiously. I'm not playing with this. I don't think it was some big addiction scenario but I promised myself that if something was interfering with my life and the things that I feel I need to be happy, it has to go. End of story. I'm not saying I will never forgive myself for a relapse. Quite the opposite, actually... I will not only forgive a rare relapse, I will accept it for what it is and not let the guilt at letting myself down YET AGAIN!

I make my choices and I live with them. That's the way I need to live. Everyone else has been telling me my whole life that what I do is wrong. I don't care anymore. I have to do what is right for me. Poor Ian. The reason he was here for so long was because he was so devastated when I told him that I am considering selling my condo. It was killing him. He went over it and over it and I could tell that he couldn't let it go but I was patient and I said that I realize it is not what you would do but I have to do what's right for me. This is what I need and it will make me happy. Just like quiting my job. I understand that it was killing people but I will make my decisions and I will make my mistakes and I will learn from them and I will continue on my path because I am happy. I am different now. This is who I always was but I can handle it now. I accept that I am different and, although it sometimes causes me great IMMENSE pain, it is who I am and it is how I need to live my life. And I am proud of it! This is a part of what people like about me... I was just never able to let them see it. I had to have a nervous breakdown before I would allow myself the time that I need to just be. I still need this time... but I also need to let myself need this time. Without guilt, without resentment, without pain. Just be.

The escalation of this is no different than any other time. The gazzillions of times that I have encountered the roller coaster way of life that I have going for me. This way I have of understanding that something just isn't wrong and, perhaps for the very first time, allowing it to happen naturally. I didn't need to eat, I didn't smoke drugs, I didn't get drunk, I didn't have sex with a stranger... I just accepted it and let it happen. Holy shit, dude... holy fucking shit.

I am living this, mutherfucker! Go me! Muthafeking high five bitch! I'm taking the day off of frekin celebrate!

Say it ain't so

Could that horoscope be true? I feel like I'm getting myself all worked up but, in doing so, am I just doing the old self-fulfilling prophecy crap again? Half of me is temped to start up the pot again because at least then I wouldn't be sitting around crying my ass off constantly but that was a convenient excuse, wasn't it? I was stoned so I wasn't doing the things that I should have been doing. But now I'm not stoned and I'm still not doing those things. Even worse, I'm not doing those things and I'm freaking out about it. I know I'm not giving this my all. Especially the eating/exercising lately. I certainly am beating myself up about it, though.

This is so hard. I know I will come out better on the other end. I know that I have to go through the bad stuff to get to the good stuff. I know that if I don't work for it I won't appreciate it as much. I sure could go for some easy right now, though.

And, you know, the hardest part is, again, being alone all the time. That's where I get all worked up, discouraged, down on myself. I know that being around other people will make a big difference. And I have tried, I've been in contact with a lot of people, I've put myself out there time and time again. My confidence is dwindling away these days and, if it's mainly because I am so lonely, what can I do about it? Right now. Today. Tomorrow. Next week.

Right now I can be active. I haven't exercised or really done anything that didn't involve having the couch strapped to my ass since Monday. I can hop on my stationary bike. I can practise playing the piano. I can pull out my DDR and jump up and down. Clean the kitchen. Clean the bathroom. Work on my resume. Apply for more jobs. Kiss ass on the ones that I really want.

Today I can go to that Langley Players audition, as scary as that idea is now that the time is here. I would love to do that again - be in a play like in high school. In high school I felt that I totally crapped out in the end and let my insecurities mess with my performance. Am I going to do that again? What if I go there and audition and they say no. Can I take more fucking rejection right now? But what if they say yes? But what if they say no. Where did that fearless, challenge confronting, confident, happy version of me go? Squashed like a bug. But who did the squashing?

Tomorrow I can get a dog. That's what I've been wanting so badly forever, isn't it? But I look outside at the rain and... fuck. I look outside and inside and I make excuses. Always excuses. It just kills me to make a commitment, doesn't it? I hate the idea of not everything being peachy keen so I don't do it at all and sit here and be miserable. Of course, at this point, I have to say that a dog just isn't a good idea. I don't have any money and I don't know where I am going to find some. There is a distinct possibility that I will be challenged to find a way to feed myself soon... how can I feed a dog, too? Yes, I do have to wait on that. Not because I'm making excuses but because this isn't the right time. I don't know where my life is going. It wouldn't be fair, to me or to the dog. Okay, I am comfortable putting that aside for right now.

So I still need to find a way to get some company. And soon. The play? Oh. Could I really do it? I honestly don't know, right now I honestly don't know.

Bored and lonely... mainly just lonely

My god, I am so lonely. It doesn't seem to matter what I do... I can't find a way to stop it. I try and I try and I try and I fail and I fail and I fail. I thought I found all the answers. I thought I knew. I thought it was going to be different now. But it's not. It's the same. It's worse. Maybe I should go back on the pot... at least then I didn't care.

Bored and lonely

I went to the casino with Rob tonight. I looked hot... or I guess about as good as I get. And that question was answered. And the answer was no thanks. I didn't have a terribly good time with him anyway. I so need to get laid. I'm so sick of being alone. I need something to happen. And soon.

Merry frickin' b-day

Am I going to cry all day? 37 today... it's been a long year... one that I would really, really like to classify as highly successful and I am confident that one day I will look back at this time and know it was a wonderful thing that I did for myself but today? Is hard.

Birthday calls... fond wishes from family and friends... no, I still don't have a job... nope, no man yet... no money, still fat, stressed to the max... but put on a happy face and say the same thing over and over and over... maybe I'll unplug the phone.

And, yet, I am so lucky. So many people care about me, support me... more than I ever realized. All I had to do was open myself up to it. I feel like a terrible disappointment. Fuck. Every time I start to build myself up and think of the good, the bad smacks me in the fucking face. But these days I say to myself: it's okay, let it out, no one expects you to be half as perfect as you do, small doses of emotion are so much healthier than the extreme outbursts of days gone by.

Sigh. Chin up, Bevie, chin up. Next year you will read this with a smile, knowing that everything worked out for the best. (I hope!!!!)

You win some, you lose some (I'm going to put this down as a win)

hi bev,
thanks for your email..friends it is...now i know where your coming from..and i don't have any regrets meeting you..i really just keep to myself..friends bug me to come out and i just don't...i would rather just hang with my son.but tomorrow i guess i'm going to the foot ball game..they have a bunch of tickets..it should be fun..but you know i would rather stay home...are ya interested in watching nathan for two or three hours till his sister comes over to watch him?????if you do i'll buy ya a drink next weekend at the casino(he goes to his moms).or if ya don't i'll still buy you one...

Here's what's going on today

I love you. Did I mention that before? Man, the freedom that this blog has given me is like nothing I have ever experienced. Of course, I am different now... able to be more open and express myself but a lot of that is because I can pull out my keyboard at any given moment and work out whatever happens to be boggling my mind. So thank you. How silly, thanking an inanimate object but that's okay... I'm silly. *grin*

Okay, so there are three things that I want to talk about. Firstly, as this is of immediate importance, I hate food. I know I have always had a love/hate relationship with food but today it's mostly just hate. And not because I want what I can't have but because I don't want. I don't want to eat. I have no appetite. I had a bowl of cereal this morning because I had to stop the growling and that is the only morsel of food that has entered my body today. And I know that this is a big stumbling block in my weight-loss efforts. When this happened in the olden days, I would eat junk. I only ate junk because I had no interest in good food - if I could order it or run out and get it in five minutes or make it in ten, I would eat it. Otherwise, no thank you very much. But now these pictures are ingrained into my brain and I don't want the junk either so now I have nothing. I'm munching on an apple to try and use Ian's trick of making me eat something small so that I could get an appetite for something big... it usually works so we'll see. I need food for fuel because when I don't eat, I don't exercise and I my body will start freaking out and holding on to the fat tighter as it foresees starvation mode. Picking here and there isn't enough... and right now I would normally pick up the phone and call the local pizza joint but now that is no longer an option either. Fatty.

Judy from Big Sisters just left... we had our second meeting here - the "home visit". We had a good talk and the last hour or so was mostly her talking about her frustrations with recent problems in the organization and her impending retirement. (Basically her replacement isn't working out and she has not been able to effectively communicate the issues with the board of directors that make all of those decisions) I lost count of how many times she said that she had told me more than she should have, that it was inappropriate to discuss these things. And, yes, it is in general I guess but I have always drawn people out in this way and I assured her that the things I told her would go no further than my ears - perhaps I should have mentioned my blog! Anyway, I guess my point is that I like the fact that I draw people out in this way. I am glad that there is something about my personality that makes people trust and confide in me. It renews my faith in the path that I have been travelling.

And my third topic - surprise, surprise - is Rob. Somewhere during my conversation with Judy, I decided to email Rob and put it all out on the line. Not the crush, although I am sure that's what you are expecting. No, I want to tell him that I'm totally cool with things not going in that direction and I would still like to be friends and not feel like I am making him uncomfortable when I ask him to do things. A little, teeny thought that goes something like "should I??" pops up but the answer is yes! I won't be any further behind than I am right now and I like him... I like him as a person and that shouldn't be pushed aside just because I'm a girl and he's a boy! So, I'm gonna. I think. I will. Maybe...

Big Sister

I had my interview with the Big Brothers/Big Sisters people today... Judy. It was supposed to last for 2 hours... after three and a half we still weren't finished! Next she comes here on Wednesday and then I get matched. They are trying to start a new program with foster children that I am really interested in but she isn't sure if it's going to fly yet. Either way, I'm glad that I am finally doing this after all this time. I have been wanting to volunteer since I moved out here.

The meeting made me wonder... why is it that every time I go to this type of thing, people are in awe or so amazed at how wonderful I am and yet I can't find a man or a fucking job? I thought that maybe it would be better if employers and men can meet me face to face because that usually seems to make a difference. I guess that's why I think that my weight is such a big issue for the dating sites but it wasn't sitting right with me. Yes, yes, I'm fat, whatever... that doesn't mean that no one will contact me. They have contacted me before but not lately so what's different?

Well, the theory that I came up with - and am currently testing - is this: perhaps I was trying too hard. All that mumbo-jumbo on my profile isn't helping... men are visual and don't really care about all that deep down stuff until later... all it was doing was turning them off or scaring them away. I started thinking that perhaps I got it backward again... I was putting too much effort into my profile but not enough effort into my job applications.

The first part of the theory is already in progress: I simply changed my profile to "This easy-going Newfie gal is looking for a funny and adventurous guy who loves kids and dogs. Sound like you? Drop me a note and say hi..." and I have already received two emails and one favourite in the half hour since I changed it! Sonofabitch, dude! Now I think I will start scouring through the boy profiles and sending notes to the ones that I like. Rejection is my middle name - I can take it like nobody's business so why not, right?

As for the jobs, tomorrow I am going to start applying for a couple of jobs that pay well but that I am not overly enthusiastic about... and I am going to ooze charm and see if I get an interview at the very least.

I'm sofaking backward all the time it blows me away!!!!!!!!!

Day off

I feel a bit out of sorts today. Nothing wrong just not overly enthusiastic about anything, frustrated about this weight (so I went out and had a burger and fries with Stacey... crap), can't find a job, boring stuff, nothing new. I was laughing earlier - I'm so fucking normal now it knocks my socks off. How nice. Even the bad days are good. lol

This just in...

I am sitting here, struggling with being nice... I am struggling, fighting, pushing, pulling myself and I'm sitting here almost trying to remember which way is the right way.

So, I'll update you first... perhaps even a quick recap, just for fun!

The first time Rob emailed me was September 3rd-ish... that was a Wednesday. We chatted back and forth once or twice a day until Saturday morning and then I went to the beer festival on the island. I kept thinking about him and finally sent him a 'whut up' email on Wednesday-ish. So we chatted back and forth again until he said we should get together sometime. I replied like-when-ish and went on to comment that Stacey was here for the day. He totally backed off and did a I-didn't-mean-today-anyway stammer. (how did I not recognize those in guys before?) I said how about at practise, he said Monday or Wednesday, I said Wednesday and holy crap. So we met that Wednesday... I was there for about ninety minutes, we chatted, I freaked out but kept on smiling. Then I think I convinced myself that he wouldn't like me anyway because he's far too cute for a fat girl like me. ("no you can't join ballet... none of the boys would be able to lift you"... why did she say such terrible things?) And practise was over so we played around in the playground and I had so much fun. I'm even lol-ing as I remember... nice memory. I left the park, called Stacey on the way home - didn't even wait until I got home and could think about it for a while I was so certain - and told her unfortunately, no.

And then he emailed that night. What the heck? (my short recaps can go on for days, huh?) "Did I pass the chemistry test" he said. MELT! Too well... I asked him if he had cheat notes. So bold am I sometimes. He emailed the next day and we went back and forth a couple of times and I told him to just call me. He said he would call the next night. And he did. I felt comfortable at first and then I just... I think I was stoned so I probably just stopped paying attention. (shit, gonna have to edit that out when they turn this into a movie!) I didn't have a lot of positive feelings about that call, really... it felt strained but I don't really know why... insecurity or intuition? (only time will tell!) But then he called the next day or day after that and invited me to the aquarium the following day. I still wonder if this was too forward and overbearing... I took charge and made the plans and then I totally chickened out and said oh, shit, I think that was too forward and overbearing and the next day I was nice and present but I barely spoke to Rob. He was sweet when I broke his glove box. Um, embarrassed much? Then he paid me back for the parking but wanted me to pay my own way into the aquarium. I'm not saying anything about that because I do remember liking that at the time... I just want to record it, perhaps for future reference or whatever. He wasn't overly friendly that day... nice enough I guess... I don't know why I would say that he wasn't overly friendly, actually... he reacted when I put my hand out to help him with something a couple of times. I don't know if it was because he's just not used to the help or if he didn't like it. Hmm. Why wouldn't he like it? He jumped a little when I touched him the first time. Ugh, my heart beats a little faster when I think of being near him. How weird is that? I haven't even held his hand yet and he makes me giddy. I swear I felt, like, a current or something between us at the aquarium. Ha... that was when I backed off. He started to come closer to me and I backed off. Holy Cameron Abbot, dude. Weird. No, too hot for Cameron Abbot but same reaction. And then I stayed back. The rest of the day. Or did he pull back and start acting different? Perhaps I sensed a back peddle from him. I spent a lot of time in that car thinking that he was really quiet so that's probably why he wasn't saying much. Nathan fell asleep and we pretty much didn't speak the whole way home. I was enjoying the comfortable silence but when I looked at it from his perspective I realized that I... oops, getting a step ahead.

I don't like this part. I'm such a freak. So I send him this gushing email about how good of a father he is, no reply, no call, no nuthin'. Ugh, this is embarrassing. Then I sent him an email joke, he replied with one line, I replied with one line. And like two days later I sent a "well, your silence speaks volumes" email. That's not actually what I said to Rob but as I'm thinking about this, what I said to Fabian came into my head. Same shit, different day. But he didn't laugh at me or make me feel stupid like Fabian did... although I do remember really liking it when Fabian did it. More comfortable, perhaps? He emailed back and said your a nice person (but we'll forgive him this blunder... even my mother does it... even Sheena does it... Chelanna will never ever do it) and deserve to find a good guy, good with kids, nice stuff. Why does he keep doing that? Ian. Oh shit. You look better than your pics, I told Rob. Oh and he does but I didn't want him to know that and then put up better pics that would show how hot he is and then all the girls would want him!! Hahaha... how devious! But I had taken the romantic stuff off the table. My god, I want to rip this man's clothes off. I kid you not.

Then I sent him this email in which I poured out my heart. That was real and true. That was when I realized what I do. However, as I said to Stacey, recognizing it does not make it go away. I asked him out, he said yes (and thanks for being so open with me... sigh) and I said when and nothing. I called I think three days later, no answer, left message, no call back. I will point out, however, that I wimped out again a bit and just said it's Bev calling to say hi. That's all. I cowered. And nothing. Then I updated my profile, he sent me a note and said he liked my new pics and what was the popcorn in the picture, I replied that it was my pic and that was my super comfy couch and how was the game today and he told me about the game and asked if I found a great new job yet and said to call him if I wanted. I think I already said this stuff but I said Stacey was coming over and I would call tomorrow which is tonight and I called tonight and there was no answer and I left a message so much better than the one last week and said it's Bev, time and day, call me back if you want, bye bye. He sent a note two hours later saying that he was at the movie and just got home and was very tired so he would call tomorrow. I wrote an email saying no worries, get some rest, him falling asleep would hurt my ego or some such drivel, talk to you tomorrow. And this is where I talked myself down out of the tree and hit send.

First of all, to even convince myself to call him I started telling myself that we are worrying about right now. One phone call. That's it. No decisions have been made any further than that. When I still stalled about calling, I reminded myself that I jumped off a fricken' bridge 250ft down with a little bit of rope wrapped around my feet... I think I can manage phone call. Yes, I want him soooooooo badly but that's just going to have to wait a minute. Oh, but it's going so well! Stacey is going crazy - ask him out, when is he going to ask you out, why didn't he ask you out, did he call, you call him. Sheesh! We are night and day with this stuff. I say slow, slow... the only way this is going to work for me is slow. I need to believe that he wants me before I fall for him or I will never believe it. Actually, I don't know if that's true anymore but I'm not taking a chance. And tomorrow I will talk to him, I will have a conversation with him, I will ask him questions and I will answer his confidently and with respect and consideration of the fact that we are getting to know each other and he deserves to know who I really am, too.

So this email was driving me insane - was it too nice, too much, too forward, too kiss ass, too wrong - was it okay? How could that be? Are people that nice to each other, really? And won't that make him head for the hills? Don't men run at the first sign of... oh, I see the difference... it's the difference between being needing and needy. Yes, mars and venus. So, to make a long story short (tee hee!), I decided to be nice and I hit send. I decided that the Bev that I want to be wants to be this nice and if Rob doesn't want someone who will be this nice then I will find someone who does. I pulled away from Lyle... I watched and listened and interpreted and I decided that he wasn't for me. Yes, on paper... just what I was looking for. In reality, ah-no. And when that jeepdave guy gave me just a little grief I stepped back to allow him to do better or to allow me to save a lot of time... and he saved me a lot of time. And now Rob is somewhat in the picture again. I really like Rob, I do. I don't care what my mother says, I like him and I am going to do it openly and fully. I can only control my own behaviour and no one else's. If I am me and he doesn't want me, I am totally okay with that. Yes, it will hurt, don't be silly but I hurt with Ian, too... I felt it and I went through it and look at me now, kid. But what if I am me and he does want me. Do you understand how big that is? Have I told you before about crying at these romance movies as I thought "I will never have that" and believe it with every fibre of my being. And I accepted it. I didn't scream, yes, I will have it... I said no, that's not who I am. I argued with Ian once "I'm not the kind of person that people want to be around" and I meant it. How silly.

High fuckin' Five, baby!

Ian just left... he brought over a little gift (that I paid him for). I was laughing in my head a bit. We were having a conversation... not that I was talking and he was nodding, we were having a conversation. I get it! We were having a conversation. I was asking him questions about him, what he's up to, how he feels about things... and I was interested in his answers. Did I do that before? With anyone? I mean with anyone that I already know. This is how I talk to people that I don't know, this is why they are attracted to me. This is what I stop doing. THIS IS WHAT I HAVE BEEN DOING WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!

Exerpt from Canadian Living Magazine: Relationships:Love

"You carry a personal navigation system within you to guide your way in the land of love. Each person has a vision of how his life should look, but only a few people have access to this picture. They mistrust their life-GPS and put their faith instead in external "facts" that they read in newspapers. They trust what their parents, teachers, or friends say. They don't dare to ask anymore what answer is slumbering inside of them, what assignment they may have received from life, what dream they should transform into reality.

It is a tragedy how much bravery is no longer thought and how much greatness is no longer done."

Big discovery!

I just had a revelation that practically knocked me off my feet. When I was writing that email to Rob earlier, I thought that it was funny that my tone had returned to exactly how it was before I met him. When we were emailing I was outgoing and witty, and we clicked - I know we did. Then I met him and realized that strong attraction for him and I went into observe mode. The problem is that I spent so much time observing that I forgot to participate.

I have always felt like I was on the outside looking in. Could it possibly be because that's exactly what I was always doing?? Maybe it wasn't that I had low self-esteem which manifested itself through my seratonin deficiency (not to discount that because I truly believe that it made a huge impact on my life), and that really never made sense because I didn't believe all of those bad things about myself. I was just trying to explain or figure out why I was so happy when I was by myself or with Stacey and other friends but I was so unhappy when I was with a man for any length of time (or any stranger when I was younger). I always stood on the outside and watched and observed and I think I just forgot to participate. That's why these men never know me. That's why I always thought I was wrong. The men ended up as friends.

I always phrased it as being able to remain friends with my boyfriends but I realized tonight that it's more like I have been able to only be friends with my boyfriends. As soon as that idea of a relationship was off the table, my whole persona changed back to me. Yes, I lose myself in relationships but only through neglect and perhaps a bit of laziness. That's why I usually only fall for men that I'm not attracted to... I don't do that pulling back... until after I fall for them and then it's too late because they are already in too deep. Wowsers, dude. That's huge.

Holy moly! Baby...

I just discovered something about myself. And something that is quite possibly the reason that I am at odds with the men that fall in love with me.

I was sitting here thinking about how different communications were between Rob and I when we emailed and when we were in person. How could we have clicked so well in writing but not at all in person? Because I suck at dating.

I did not make an effort to talk to him. With Nathan, I couldn't find enough to say; with Rob, I was awkward and uncomfortable, I was pleasant enough and had a good attitude but whatever it was in me that Rob was attracted to via email was gone in person.

And that tendency has always been there - perhaps the only e... nope, I was going to say perhaps the only exception was Ian but it was there with him, too. The funniest part is, when I try to figure out why I realized that I just didn't think of it. I chat with people everywhere. I talk to everyone. I love to ask questions and find out how people feel about different topics and to learn about their experiences. I guess, again, the habit was to lose myself and, even when I worked emotional stuff out, the habit was still there. Exactly like the eating. Just a hard habit to break. Of course, actually recognizing it should assist somewhat in that department!

When I thought he liked me... no, even before then... I walked up to him in that park and I was a different person. Obviously the weight couldn't have been too important to him... he saw pictures of me before we met and emailed me right after the meet-cute. I just detached from my personality the moment I was in his presence. If he was an older man or a kid, someone that I wasn't attracted to, you wouldn't be able to slow me down but this good looking guy? I'm nice enough. I smile, I'm agreeable, everything is okay at all times. And I forget to be myself.

I guess it wasn't outwardly apparent with Lyle because he didn't shut up. Even though from day one I felt uncomfortable, like I wasn't really being true to myself. I just turn into this "whatever you want" girl. The reason I hate that sentence so much is probably because I want to do whatever they want to do... and if they feel the same, there's no where to go with it. Hm. Hm... need to process this a little more.