Boo

He didn't call.
He didn't email.
I know it doesn't mean anything.
I know.

On the edge of a meltdown. Wasn't that a song? Sigh. I know, I know. I see where it used to come from and it's really tempting to fall into old habits but I'm not going to do it. Logically, I know that him not contacting me on one day doesn't mean anything. It's just that this was the first day he ever spent with me so it's possible that he doesn't like me. Maybe he didn't realize on the day we met. Or he wasn't sure either and wanted to meet but I over did it... I can't believe that. I can't. I won't. Even if it's true that he doesn't like me, it doesn't mean that no one ever will. He's out there. Someone. Right? I mean it's not like I'm desperate and I will take anyone, I don't even know Rob yet. At this point, if he's not the one for me that would be disappointing but not the end of the world. I do believe that I will find someone and we will be happy and I can not settle and I can't wish that I could be with a guy who doesn't want to be with me. I don't have time for it.

And don't jump the gun yet. Anything could have happened. I am sometimes hard to take. (is that still my mother back there in the back of my head?) I had a good feeling - aren't I there yet? I call myself this good judge of character... doesn't that mean that I should let this go and trust myself? Just let it go. Stop fighting it. Stop. Just have a little faith in yourself for a change.

And the fact that you are getting your period does explain your weepyness and sore breasts but it does not excuse losing faith and letting everything fall to pieces. Stop hiding. Get out there and be this person that you speak so highly of. Get up, get your shit together. No one else is going to do it for you. They can't. Do it for yourself. Self fulfilling prophecy, remember? Let's flip it and use our powers for good instead of evil... make it true, Beverly, you can make it true. You can. You can. Just let it go and believe. That's the difference, remember? She believes. And so can you.

I think I need so much to be this person right now that I am half expecting it to be taken away from me.

This is exactly the area that causes me so much trouble, though. You know what happened? I put myself out there. I said something really nice to him and gushed maybe a little and I wait for proof of success and, if that proof doesn't come at the time I expect it (I'm talking moments), I'm out the door. Because I think I have proof of the bad stuff instead of realizing that anything could have happened, nothing could have happened, he could be tired, he could be cranky, he could be unsure and that's okay. Slow means more than two days. Just chill the fuck out and let what will be, be. You control you.

WTF

I just sent this to Rob... is that good or bad????

Hi Rob:

Just wanted to let you know that I had a great time with you and Nathan today. The lacrosse game was seriously entertaining and I felt comfortable and welcome all day.

You are such a fantastic father, Rob. I know about these things; I have a very good father who loved and protected and provided for his kids but he was also usually quite irritated and impatient with us. You are patient and loving but, at the same time, you give him boundaries and structure and positive lessons... and you look like you are having fun doing it. I think that is just awesome!

Have a good day tomorrow! (hope you guys get some rest tonight... I napped for a bit earlier!) And wish me luck... because tomorrow I start handing out resumes! (stress!! lol)

Bev

On how to live life

If you believe that every day
can improve on the day before:
every love will be your best love,
every gift a cherished memory;
every tear will dry a little faster,
every hurt will hurt a little less;
and every single time you're wrong,
you will be just a little more right.

Right?

OMG. I think I might be right. All of the questions that I have asked during the past year, all of the unproven solutions and theories, all of the hypothesis are coming to this... finding the answer. And the answer is yes. I can be this person. I like her a lot. I can love and I can give and if it doesn't work out? Hey! What are you going to do? That's life. Again, I can only control my actions. If I am truly myself and act in a manner that communicates my self, then I've done my part. No matter what happens, I can only do my part, I can't do anyone else's. I can be proud to have tried and I will try again and again because I do believe that it will happen. And I will feel it - the good and the bad. I will appreciate it, I will enjoy it and I will cherish it. (sorry, stoned.)

It makes me well up a little when I think it could be Rob but I don't know. The testing part is winding down, now I start to evaluate the answers. The basics are all there. He got my jokes, I liked his replies when we were emailing. I saw him and I liked him, he liked me too. Today I went to Nathan's lacrosse game then we went to breakfast and the aquarium. And it was just fun. For one thing, I don't think that I have ever enjoyed the aquarium so much. (did you know that was also my first date with Karl? So much different it's scary!) I have been there a dozen times or so but I never looked at specifics, I didn't pick and poke and wander and laugh and read and get excited by what I saw the way I did with Rob and Nathan. Part of that might have been seeing it through a child's eyes... what a different perspective!

Watching those kids banging around in their great big helmets and padding and they are trying to knock each others sticks and score was awesome... the little goalie was a dream - had no idea what was going on but he got the hang of it eventually and Nathan was totally hogging the ball because his dad said that he could eat all of the Timbits if he got a hat-trick so he tried over and over and over. It was fun to watch Rob on the sidelines, interacting with other people (less than me because you know what I'm like), he says that he is quiet but it's a quiet confidence, not a meekness. That's a huge difference. This guy is pretty awesome. I have probably said before but, even if things don't work out with us romantically, I would like to have him as a friend. But I really hope they do work out romantically, of course.

I'm comfortable with his driving - that's a rare one for me... I don't like anybody's driving but mine and Fabian's. He doesn't have any money but that's cool, neither do I. And while I was wasting $10,000 redecorating my place about four months before I moved out, he was feeding his child. Who's the better person here? (and you know I don't mean that literally) He has not traveled much and has never been on a plane but he does stuff. People who are into traveling a lot do big stuff but don't realize how much pleasure there is in small stuff. Rob plays with his kid at the park, he takes him to the aquarium, he encourages him to draw and says nice stuff about his drawings. Have you ever heard of such a thing?? I asked him in an email once if he had cheat notes because how is this possible ???? (as Debra would tell me, hang on Bev, he will turn out to be a boozer or wife beater, you'll find it!)

I liked him. I wanted to touch him. I looked at his hands and his butt and I sized him up (sheesh! never thought that he might have been doing the same to me all day! cripes!!!), I rubbed against him a couple of times and sizzled a little bit, I think he did the same to me (but I'm not sure... quiet boys aren't very forward in that department... as long as he keeps calling, I can wait). I listened to him talk to his son, I listened to him talk to the waitress, I listened for griping or whining or moaning or complaining and there was none. There was no negativity. He held doors, he smiled, he colored, he teased, he didn't get mad when I broke his glove compartment, he didn't feel like he had to pay for everything but bought breakfast and paid me back for the parking, he was interested in learning and exploring, he wanted to know. I like that so much.

When it came to fathering, there were rules, there was structure and consequences but there was no berating, no putting down, no making fun of, no hurting, no fighting. He said way to go when Nathan scored 4 goals in the game and he waited until later to give him some tips on how he can improve. He didn't say you were good but not good enough, he said way to go and an hour later said you should try to hold your stick this way. That's fathering. Holy shit. It exists. In real life!!

Rob is planning Nathan's birthday party and he was telling me about the loot bags and he was just... I don't know, just enjoying himself. Practically giggling. Rob was trying to get Nathan in the shower last night while we were on the phone and Nathan kept mooning him so Rob told him that I could see him through the phone. And Rob is just having the time of his life. How cool is that??? Seriously, wow.

Rob's ex had two children from a previous relationship and Rob calls them his daughters. That means that Rob can love without blood. It amazes me how many people say that they could never adopt or foster a child because it would never feel like their child without their blood. (I don't think people pay much attention to learned behaviors. Yes, your blood is giving them red hair but your behaviors are giving them their personalities and that's what will last. It will pass on and on, through friends and family and their friends and their families and it will make a difference. I wonder if Rob feels that way?)

Nathan is cute. He's 7 and his birthday is coming up on November 10th. He has a dad who loves him and dotes on him, as it should be. Rob says he recognized his regret that his parents took him out of sports at too young of an age and he wants Nathan to continue, even when he struggles a bit, because it's important in his development. My parents let me quit everything so I totally agree with Rob's stance on that. I would love to go to soccer and lacrosse games every weekend. I don't think I would do all the... okay. Stop. Getting ahead of ourselves. Stop making up who they are and what it will be like because I don't know. Could he possibly like me? Seriously? I don't know but I think he can. Let's just wait and see.

But let me quickly say that I'm kind of dating the both of them right now. They are a matched set, you don't get one without the other. I am testing and observing them and my reaction to them. And I like what I see. I can tell that Rob is a good person to a very large degree because of how he treats his son and the lessons that he is teaching him. I can tell that Nathan will turn out just fine because he is loved and cared for by a good person. They are a testament to each other.

And I felt like I was there, I could safely be me, and I was a part of something... and I liked it.

Horoscope

Scorpio
October 23 - November 21
Your daily surroundings are currently changing, dear Scorpio. Perhaps your circle of friends has already undergone a major change. The fact is that you no longer have so many prejudices about the people you meet, and no longer seek out only a certain type of person as a friend. You accept whoever comes along. You may not realize it, but your attitude is completely different now from what it once was. Good for you!

Horoscope

Scorpio
October 23 - November 21
You have reached one of the most climactic times of year in regard to love and romance, dear Scorpio. This is the time when the dream that you have been working toward finally materializes, or you realize that all your efforts are a complete failure. All depends on how you played your cards over the past few months. This is one of those moments of reckoning when you are faced with reality; you must bring your ship down to the landing pad and check in with the base.

Update

So, I guess a quick update about Rob is required. We emailed a couple of more times and spoke on the phone for about an hour. I can't say that I'm head over heals for him... I mean, he's nice enough but I doubt he's the one for me. I will see him again if he asks but, if he does not ask, I won't lose any sleep over it.

The important part was that he emailed me after he met me. It was confirmation that, yes, a good looking guy can want you... it gave me a confidence that I was lacking... perhaps that was my lesson from Rob... and that's pretty cool.

Rodney became Robyn

Email Between Robyn and Me


From me:

Hi! I hope I didn't embarrass you or any thing with that cleavage comment the other day (it's sometimes hard to read tone in the written word!). But, if it did bother you, please feel free to delete it... no worries! I really meant it, though - you look great!

So, I will either make it worse, better or make no difference at all but I want to tell you how much I respect and applaud you for being true to yourself. It's not just what is on the outside... it's being strong enough to show others who you are on the inside (something that I have struggled with a lot myself lately), especially when some find it difficult to understand.

I'm sure you have faced a lot of obstacles over the years but, even on your most difficult days, I hope you know that you are inspiring others and giving them support to be true to themselves as well.

And I think that's pretty fuckin' awesome!
I think you are pretty fuckin' awesome!!
I hope you think so, too!

Take care,
Bev




From Robyn:

Hi Bev,

Not at all, I thought it was a cute comment...I know you well enough to know you were joking...I've always liked your sense of humour. And there's nothing to make worse, but your email did brighten my day as one of the sweetest things anyone has said to me in a very long time.

As for obstacles, I think I was my own biggest obstacle. It's amazing that the world was so much more understanding and accepting of me than I was of myself. It's one of those things where you worry about losing friends / family / career but at the end of the day, I was very lucky and didn't lose any of those. Wishes can come true...I remember looking in the mirror one day in university and saying that I couldn't do it anymore and made the only really true wish in my life..."that I just wanted to be an average girl", nothing more. Believe it or not, that one wish came true. Tried again for a million dollars...didn't work (joke).

Besides, it's easy these days because most don't know my history....except on Facebook where past meets present...scary thought which almost keeps me away but people have been perfectly behaved, that I am aware of anyway.

I really cannot see you struggling to show people who you are on the inside. In my mind, you have always been outspoken and very confident of exactly who you are.....and funny too. Just remember to be true to yourself on the inside because at the end of the day, you have to live with yourself more than anyone else.

Thanks again for your very kind email.

Take care,
Robyn

And "I think you are pretty fuckin' awesome too!!"




My reply (but I don't think I will send it):

You know what's really funny... when I read what you said about seeing me as outspoken and confident, I realized my biggest obstacle was me, too... I seemed to be the only one who didn't see that person. I was so quick to see the best in others but I could not find a way to see it in me.

By the time I hit my teens, my life was already a struggle that I could barely manage but I was able to keep it from most people... I felt like everything I did/said/felt was wrong, I hated myself so much and I didn't believe that anyone could, would or should care for me. And I felt so little for myself - I also didn't want anyone to see this side of me because then they would know how wrong they were about me - so I spent a lot of time alone and pushed everything and everyone away.

I was constantly in or recovering from crisis after crisis and each crisis made me believe the bad stuff about myself just a little more. Then, when I found myself on the floor with a bottle of pain killers in my hand a few years ago, I knew that I either had to go through with it or figure out where all this pain was coming from... so I went into therapy and was diagnosed with clinical depression. I guess that was my one wish come true - answers!

Anyway, I have done some pretty intense work on myself over the past few years. The medication made a huge difference but it was still tough to accept the person that everyone else saw after all those years of self hatred. Now I have accepted her, kinda like her a lot actually... the task at this point is learning to be her... learning to be me. I still struggle with insecurities and letting people see them (which is why I have been composing this email for almost a week, I guess!) but it's getting easier.

It's weird, isn't it... you just don't know what kind of struggles people go through... behind closed doors, as they say. You let your inside come out and I let my outside come in. And, I have to say, I'm pretty damn proud of the both of us!!!

I'm glad we had this little chat! ;-)

Bev xxx


*** I sent this almost one week later.


From Robyn:

Hi Bev,

Apologies for the delay in responding. I got your message when I got back in London this week but Facebook is blocked from the office here because it was the most popular website for a while! As I'm a little homeless at present in London, I never got to Facebook until today.

I do admit to sitting, reading your message in amazement, several times. I really, really commend you for being so strong. I also thank you so much for sharing that with me when you didn't have to.

Obviously you've had a tough time but the important part is that you dealt with it and are that much better for it. There are certain things that get worse with time unless you do something about it...even when it would be so much more convenient to tuck them away and try forget them...which you never can. I'm really happy that you got the help you needed. It's interesting that people have to come to a breaking point before they actually do something...at least for me it would have been much easier to do something at the very beginning. Hindsight is 20 / 20 though.

Please don't ever be insecure about yourself. From when I knew you way back when, you were someone that I was jealous of in many ways. I, along with everyone else, saw you as a 'fun, popular, girl with a sense of humour strong enough to get you through anything'. I hope that sense of humour has helped your down the path. Regardless of what you thought of yourself, you left a very positive and lasting impression on me and many others.

I guess we both did a pretty good job lying to each other in high school about our true feelings!!

It would be really great to get together for a chat if we are ever in the same city. Thanks again so much for sharing with me.

Take care,
Robyn xox

Oui

I am so excited that he emailed... that's all.

HE EMAILED!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Poop

Oh, I'm bummed. He was cute! (is cute, I guess... haha most likely!) Yeah, he's cute. Nice guy. Kinda shy-ish? He started the conversation totally at first, then we were about equal, then he again. Was he just being polite?

Okay, I was prepared to not be attracted to him but still be his friend in a non-physical way. I was not prepared for him to be hot! Crap. That just changes all the rules and my good ole insecurities come a flooding back. Actually, I don't even consider that an insecurity. I look at that more as human nature, male instinct, logical truth.

Of course, if he is really fucked up and insecure he might be into me. (don't laugh... it's happened before... probably lots)(sigh. see??? insecurity... but whatever) Because, let's look at the facts, he liked my jokes, he responded to our emails quite well, we clicked on the computer and he mentioned a few of those things today. I'm not disgusting. I'm fat, too fat but I guess I am kinda cute otherwise. If everyone says Debra and I look so much alike, how can I not take that as a compliment... she is beautiful. And perhaps I would be beautiful at her size. But I'm not her size. And I know, I know, I'm awesome but, seriously, a good personality can only take you so far... it can't create miracles. He's hot and I'm not. Them's the facts.

That little angel-y chick on my right shoulder just whispered in my ear... what if the problem is not the body but he doesn't call back for some other reason? What if it's something you said, maybe you came on too strong, maybe he thinks you're baby crazy and... fuck, the little angel and the little devil are both assholes!!!

God, I hope he likes me. That is big. I don't think I have ever said that at this point. (**yeah, I've said it... I think it just didn't freak me out as much this time) Or even let myself think it. Of course that's what was going on but I didn't "do" emotions while I was with anyone else... except extreme meltdowns but that's not important right now! lol I wonder how I felt when I met Lyle. Just the fact that I didn't write about him until I had seen him again and had sex with him kind of tells me that I was suppressing. Did I open up to myself, I wonder? I doubt it. (**Stacey and I were talking about this later and I remembered... melt down after melt down... wanting it to end, it was too much. Ah, if something seems to be too good...)

God, I hope he likes me enough to send me an email and ask me out. God, I would really like to see him again in different kind of environment and see if we click, one on one. I like his kid... he's cute, he's a good kid. I enjoyed watching Rob deal with him... But I'm not thinking any further than one or two dates at this point. I still have to see. I'd have sex with him, though. Oh, would I? That makes me uncomfortable. Fuck, what - I finally got some emotions so I have to take them all now? Don't I get to choose? I don't want to be all awkward and embarrassed during sex with anyone! I'm not taking that emotion, I don't care... I'm in that bed to have fun and to give and receive pleasure and I'm not giving that up. If he's there, it's because he wants to be. And that's his problem, not mine. lol Yeah, I'd have sex with him. He's a good looking guy... it's odd to see such shyness in someone so cute. What's with these men? What kind of women have they been with to get fucked up like that? I'll pick up the pieces, baby. You just lay your head right here... (haha! I'm a whore! sigh... I miss sex)

Yes, yes, yes... if he doesn't like me I will move on... chalk it up to a life lesson. Learn from it. Yeah, it's way harder to hear that at this point than I realized. Fuck learning from it. I want his fucking body, man. I like him. And I will learn from this... I just hope that I learn that I am wrong.

Three hours and counting

I think I'm almost more afraid that we will hit it off. If we don't like each other, I will walk away and say "oh well; win some, lose some". If we do like each other... if we click... if he is...

Let's see! If I keep writing I am going to psych myself out!!!!

Horoscope

Scorpio
October 23 - November 21
Obstacles that you may have been encountering in attainment of cherished goals could suddenly seem to be melting away, clearing the way for making your dreams come true, dear Scorpio. This could involve physical health, plans for travel and education, and self-expression. You could also be feeling especially passionate at this time, so a romantic evening with that special someone would be especially enjoyable. You're feeling great, so make sure you look your best as well!

Fear and common sense

I'm afraid. I'm afraid that he won't like me. Also afraid that I won't like him but more that he won't like me. I'm afraid he will think I'm too fat. I'm afraid. And yet... waddaya gonna do, right?

Lost

I think what has really been going on with me is that I have let my self forget a bit of what all of this is about. This is about accepting myself, about not apologizing for being myself. "Sorry, this is what I meant by this joke." "Did you find what I said sounded like I was complaining?" I haven't been trusting who I am again... I have been going back to lie under the covers and wait for it all to go away.

And that is making it go away to a degree. The problem is... when I get up, it's all still there. I eat crap for "one more day" because I almost feel like I am struggling to hold on to my security blanket. This weight has been my excuse for a lot of things in my life, it has been my cloak (ha... like Sheena's hoody and Brandon's long hair). I have been hiding me behind it - practically forever - because I didn't think that I could survive without it. I have gained and lost and gained and lost... never lost past 30 pounds... thought that it was because I was afraid of men even though I knew I wasn't afraid of men... then I thought it was because I suffered from depression and there was nothing that I could do about it back then but now that I have these pills it's just going to fall off. Then it was because I was pushing Ian away. That might have been the closest that I have been... I was pushing everyone away, I was apologizing for being myself, I was agreeing with what everyone else said I was, I was saying yes, Mom, you are right, I am aggressive.

You know what? I'm not. I don't want to be. I'm nice and they haven't figured that out yet. Probably because I still bully them when I am trying to get a point across, probably because I say what I feel, probably because I speak out and say no, that is unjust, that should not be, look what you are doing! Is that aggressive? Hmmm. Perhaps it is. But I'm not aggressive in a mean way, I am trying to help. I am also learning to understand and recognize when my help is not being asked for. But, like I said to Andrew that night, if we are at a restaurant and you ask me how I like my meal, I'm not going to lie about it. If it's not good, I'm not going to get pissy and throw things but I'm also not going to ooh and aah over the rich sauce. Perhaps that is what is polite but who is it helping? I am sick of this being rewarded for nothing. Who is it helping? Is it helping the person who is getting top marks for crappy nail application? Is it helping her customer when she fucks up her nails? Is it helping her family when she starts her own business which subsequently goes under because she sucks at applying nails?? Or!! Or perhaps her instructor could have said... yes, they are very good but you fucked up right here, try again or just not give her an A+ because she's really sweet and you don't want to hurt her feelings?!!

When someone does something fantastic, or just a little above and beyond, I point it out. I say thank you. Does it mean anything if someone gets marks for doing nothing? Is it right when someone gets no marks for doing really well? I want my marks for working hard, not for showing up. I always, in every situation I am in, I consider how I should treat this person... is this person making an effort, being indifferent or overly rude? I will act accordingly. I'm not a bitch about it. I think I'm pretty good about it. And in some situations, sometimes I am a bitch about it if that's how I feel I need to communicate my point... but I do this for good and never, ever, ever, ever, in retaliation or to talk down to someone. I am pointing something out because it needs to be said.

I used to work in a bank as a teller. One day, this lady... this bitch came up to my wicket and she was being a bitch. She was rude and short with me and snappy and, in addition to all of that, she was asking me to do something that was above and beyond the call of duty. She said, I want this level of service from you. I said no. I said, very kindly, perhaps a little too sugary sweet, now that I look back - but I was still learning! - I said "perhaps if you were a little nicer to me, I would offer you that level of service." I didn't say "fuck off, bitch" even though I really wanted to. I didn't do it and swear about her under my breath and tell everyone about what a bitch she is. I said respect me. And you know what she did? Ha... she asked to speak to the manager. And she reamed out the manager... but I think as she was doing so, she realized what I was talking about. Then she apologized. And then I went above and beyond the call of duty for her.

I was talking to Tom and Julie and Stacey at different times about my trip and I told all three of them the same story because I wanted to gauge their reactions. When I was home, I told Mom that she should not be raising a 13 year old boy... she doesn't have the patience for it, she doesn't want to do it and she is not helping his situation. It is true. No one is benefiting from that union - Leonard is being spoken down to, he is being pushed away when a hug or a moment of positive attention would do a world of good. And they don't want to raise him, Mom and Dad want to help, their heart is in the right place, their intentions are good but they are just not willing to do what is required anymore. Everyone that I told that story to was going yep, you're right Bev, exactly, they shouldn't be doing it. When I told them that I told Mom the same thing, they each looked at me in shock and said "you actually told her that?" Yes, she needed to know. It's true, she knows it, I just pointed it out. And now she says it, now she knows that she is not letting anyone down for letting him go when this agreement expires at the end of the month and she isn't hating herself for making him leave, it's in his best interest. Now he will be getting a new chance. She has told him that it's not him, she is just too old to raise a thirteen year old boy, she said that she saw the difference in how I was dealing with him and how positively he reacted to that, she saw the patience that she just doesn't have. How is telling her that wrong, people? How is it better to say those things behind her back and not try to help? She would still have him, she wouldn't be happy, she would be bitching at him and about him constantly, she would be damaging him and making him think that he doesn't count or that he is doing something wrong, even though there is no way for him to make it right. Is it better to watch a bus drive straight at a kid and say nothing? Would you not yell out or fucking tackle him??? It is helping and not by ridiculing or nagging but in a positive healthy way... I am telling you that your fly is down, not that you have a small dick - there's a difference!

Maybe my visit with my parents affected me more than I realized. Maybe some of their words got in again and I didn't even realize it. Sitting alone in my room while I was sick and then seeing how Leonard was told to do the same kind of got to me. I am different, it is true... that doesn't mean different is wrong. I'm listening to the feedback, I am watching, I am testing and I am helping. I have something special. My mother told me that tonight. And she's right but I guess, in the all or nothingness I could only hear one side... there's only two sides, the good or the bad and I defaulted to the norm.

Same thing with Rob. Yes, I hope that I like him a lot and I hope that he likes me but I don't need him to like me. It will happen for me someday, I have to believe that I will find what I'm looking for and there is no way that I can know right now whether it's Rob or not. I was excited about Lyle and it didn't work out because I walked away... I did not run, I followed my instincts and they were right. So, perhaps in my daydreams and fantasies, the image doesn't have to be him. It's just someone right now. If he isn't the one, if I still have lessons to learn before I get this right, I will take those lessons and I will be thankful for them because they will help me get it right. I will take those lessons. And I will heed them. I guess I am still confident that everything will work out as it should.

Of course, as I told Tom, the problem with this theory is that I don't know if it's right or not. It is still in the testing stages. Could go either way at this point!! Haha! The good part of that is, no matter how it turns out, I am still happy. Right now. I want more and I like wanting more. I will fight for it. Even if I am only fighting me.

Next step

I have been driving myself crazy all night. We are going to meet. I'm getting pretty close to the part where I run for the hills!

You know what? He will either like me or he won't. If he does, that's great. But, if he doesn't, there are plenty of more fish in the sea! It seems good so far but we are two weeks of flirty little emails in here. Let's not get carried away. I spend to much time 'what if'ing and I have to learn to let this go, too. That's where I cause problems. Who knows? There is absolutely nothing that I can do about it at this point... we will either like each other or we won't or somewhere in between... let it happen and stop playing it out, already!

I am responsible only for the things I do; I can not control the things that others do.

Yes, I hope he likes me. I hope we hit it off. But if we don't... I'll be one step further ahead for the next time. I am choosing. Who. I. will. be.

Right now

It's like... this is going sound stupid but I guess that won't be a first so... you know those kids in the after school special type movies? They are sad, latch-key kids, whatever... they aren't happy for whatever reason... and for whatever reason they aren't happy, they think it's their own fault... the kid in this movie knows that if only she did something different, tried harder, she doesn't know what she is doing wrong so she tries and tries to get it right. So I'm an adult and I'm watching this kid in this movie and I am realizing that this movie is about me and I remember what it felt like to be that kid, all alone in the world and hurting... and I think 'you poor kid, I wish you knew what I know'.

And then I thought... what if I can tell someone else, others? I've tested my theories... Debra (and her friends, although I didn't even know at the time), Sheena (and her friends, this time I suspected), Steve's kids, Brandon, Aaron. How many others in small ways? Jenna, Billy... Leonard, David, Calvin, Tom, Cathy? (Maybe someday Mom and Dad... they will be the test of a lifetime.) But what if I can help someone else... like everyday... like as a job... is that... possible??????

Debra was obviously a complete success... when she was young, possibly for the very first time, I thought... at the very least, something is wrong in me and I am going to see if I can make it right in her... this is how I feel about myself and I know it's wrong but I don't know how to make it stop in me so I will make sure that it never starts in you... I will find a way, I will be her third parent, I will do things with her, I will tell her it's okay, I will let her see me cry, I will let her see me fat and struggle both physically and emotionally, and more importantly that she should never feel this way about herself, I will love her unconditionally, I will listen to her and I will hear her, I will do anything that I can to see that child smile. Obviously I didn't do it consciously; like I said, she was the first trial... it was the comparisons that showed me it was a test. And I swear to god, that woman is my most favorite person in the whole world, hands down, no holds barred. She's not perfect... actually, kind of gullible and cute! And confident. And maybe somehow she recognized that she wasn't getting something from Mom and Dad and she looked to me for it. Okay, that's all well and good but she's my family, my blood, I knew first hand what she was missing so that was pretty easy.

Then Sheena came into my life. Sheena. Holy crap, that child was wild. Sheena is my boss, Joe's, former girlfriend's daughter. So, the story goes that Joe met Isha, an African woman - from Africa, how exotic (although, I don't think Joe saw her that way... what do boys know? It's almost embarrassing!). Isha was a young mother with three daughters, one of whom was very young and had no father to speak of. Joe gushed but backed out like a coward when he realized that he would have to raise another child... at least that's the way Joe sees it. Joe lost his son to an accident and his wife to cancer the same year... he then sent his daughter to boarding school and, while I know he loved her dearly, he would not allow himself to be too connected. He's German, for shit's sake! lol But I digress.

Well, back then Joe left Isha because he didn't want another child. Years and years later, Joe was older and making a bit of money, perhaps building up a bit of confidence, he was lonely and he wanted more. So he sent for Isha. In the mean time, it turns out that Isha is now married to another man, whom she was dating while she was dating Joe, her two older children wouldn't speak to her, she was certain that her husband was trying to kill her or something, tapping phones, following her, that kind of stuff. Joe takes Isha and Sheena out here, puts them up in his condo development and takes care of them. Yeah, so, turns out Isha is addicted to crack cocaine. Has been for years. In and out of rehab. Paranoid. She would steal Sheena's allowance from Joe, she would leave Sheena alone over night to go get her fix. There was a huge downward spiral, Isha attempted suicide, went back into rehab, Sheena came to bunk in with Joe (and then she wouldn't leave!). Joe's home was above his office, the office that I worked in three days a week.

And she was a terror! Holy hell on wheels, man. She would have fits and throw things, she had a temper and if she was mad at you, you were gonna find out but quick. She took no shit but she certainly took over. Joe and I kinda became a parenting team - he said yes and I said no. He came to me to discuss his problems with her and he asked me to sit in on "meetings" with them when he needed to (paper and pen in hand) discuss a serious topic (like her doing the dishes sometimes). I didn't want to be her parent, I thought that I would be more helpful as a friend (also, at that time in my life, commitment to just about anything made me want to run for the hills!) Eventually, I started spending more time with Sheena. Joe thought that he was controlling the whole thing by paying for us to go to the movie or to dinner... I totally let him pay because, hey, I'm not stupid, but the money had nothing to do with me seeing her... I would have gladly paid.

I started thinking of some of my older women friends and how much they influenced me and helped me see a different perspective. Joanne who was totally cool when I was about 10 and let me stay at her place sometimes (I'm sure she was probably just giving Mom a break... I asked a lot of questions!); she let me sip her beer once and, when she babysat us while Mom and Dad were in Texas, I totally stole a beer and screamed swear words at my brother and she caught me at both and never told. Hot damn, she was cool. Then, of course my mother and older sister, younger sister, too, I guess, I saw the best in everyone and tried to emulate those qualities myself. My cousin Jackie was my hero when I was a kid, Denise when she gave me the 'Annie' record (how cool was that? she probably doesn't even know how happy it made me, to get that attention), when I got older there was Brenda, Dianne, Sheila and Mick. So many woman who taught me about who I wanted to be. And I wanted to be that to some degree for Sheena, too.

There were times that I doubted I was getting through, she was so frustrating and, while we were very much alike, she reacted in absolutely opposite ways that I was used to. At her age I would cry in the corner but she threw business phones off of balconies. All of this was going down right after I left Karl and started finding my own voice. I had been led my whole life but when I left Karl it was because, deep down, I knew there had to be something different for me, something more. So I went looking for it... and I took Sheena with me. She is now in her second year of university, she is in a healthy relationship, she has tons of friends, confident, beautiful (still testing the limits of her loved ones patience, though... but I think she deserves to... and she's still learning). I brought her home to Newfoundland, helped her make a video-application to be on a tv game show, I then accompanied her to Toronto to be on that game show, Joe and I were her 'parents' at her high school graduation, she is my family. I am as proud of Sheena as I have ever been proud of anyone. And I honestly think that I learned a lot more from her than she did from me.

Please excuse me, is there a word for hyper-digression? Yes, I guess there is. It's probably hyper-digression. (tee hee!) What I was trying to describe was that I have tested my theories of how to communicate with children. I have very successfully tested my theories.

On what level of heaven would I have to be to dare dream of going to school to be some kind of councilor. But where? What? Who? How? I don't know. But I know I would be good at it. Be a good platform from which to start spreading the word, paying it forward, so to speak. Heaven.

Billy was a child up at Julie's camping ground... the second child of close friends. I mostly stayed away from little kids. I did not want to be a parent and I avoided all parent-like activities. But they were trying to put this child in the water and he was freaking out! He was loosing his mind and they couldn't see that they were making it worse with their "don't be silly" attitude. Fear is not silly, people... it's natural and necessary. I brought him into the lake and put him in very slowly, one toe at a time, with lots of giggles and whoops and fun. Moments later, moments later, he was splashing around with the rest of them.

PASS!

Flying colors. Flying!

He said "you change your profile a lot" and that he likes it because he gets to learn more about me. I almost feel like I am now writing the profiles directly to him, telling him about me; wondering, as I get a little closer to really opening up, if the things I say make him like me a little more or a little less? And he asked about the chemistry test... lol... I'm blushing... I told him that he's already taking it - and getting pretty good marks so far, too!!! Brave. Bold. Kinda... me!

Test

No open ended questions on his last email... he said "I'll talk to you later". My old Fabian theory was that when he said that there would be no contact for a while/at all. We'll see. I gave him my email address on my last note to him... real casual like... he lost an email that timed out... but he messaged me on POF. He was charming, he made me smile but no open ended questions so no answers to reply with... I won't email him again unless I hear from him first.


Fuck I'm depressed. Not about this. In general. Sigh. I got to get my shit together. I know, I know... tell me something new.

Huh. Ah-ha. Ah-ha?

It just hit me. The only reason that I felt I was not worthy was that my parents told me that I was not worthy. I totally thought that I was worthy... when I was by myself. Not when there was anyone else around but, when I was alone, I was worthy. I just accepted it without question... as I do most everything else. I adapt. I always hated that about me. I was supposed to bitch and complain and I would fit in. And I did. And that's where the struggle came from.

First of all, when it came to men... wait. I'm getting off the topic. And this is what I'm talking about! Wow.

When it comes to worthiness, I think... omg, I'm too stoned and I'm getting ahead of myself. (Cool!) Hot damn. I love it when this happens. Although I'm getting better at believing that my down times are okay, I still struggle. And I think you're supposed to. I am finally understanding and accepting all of this new (which isn't really that new... but more about that in a minute!) wisdom, this clarity, this acceptance of who I am deep down.

So, in a nutshell, what I realized today is that I have always been like this. I have always been this person, I had this wisdom, this clarity, this ability to see things and say things that very few people are able to do. Most times it works out well, sometimes not and that's okay... because I am making an effort and that is all that I can do. I already believed this stuff but no one else was making the effort so I couldn't make the effort because I was supposed to do what they said. I was supposed to stand meekly by and be led. I didn't realize that I was a leader.

Okay, so I always thought that everyone thought just like me, right. I am now realizing that the main difference is that I'm a logical thinker. That's all there is to it. My whole fucking life, as it seems to turn out, has been extremely blessed and fucked up because the way I think, the way my brain processes things. I thought everyone else already knew this stuff and I was screaming, inside I was aching and dying and being tortured because I thought that everyone else knew this stuff and they weren't doing anything about it and because I am supposed to be like them then I'm not supposed to do anything about it. I wanted to.

I left my home and everything I knew and I drove across the country. Because I knew, deep deep down, that I wouldn't survive if I didn't leave. I was on my death bed almost every day and knew that I couldn't die so I had to leave so that I could live. (Whoa. That's pretty deep!) But the point is that I was deep and I was feeling so much, I wanted so much, I needed so much to be okay. I was different and I couldn't pretend to be the same anymore. I don't think that it was where I lived that made it so difficult, it was what I was learning. Maybe when I was a kid I was interested but I thought... I don't know. I was so afraid of it then.

Shit. Got carried away again. I was talking about logical thinking. a+b=c It's the most basic concept that I have ever known. When I learned it in math, I thought, of course it does, of course it equals c. I guess one of the main themes of this - even though I'm going a mile a minute and I can't think fast enough - I already knew it. This is not new knowledge. I think this knowledge was half the problem because I was tortured that no one else realized it - how could they not? It's so basic. It's c. If your fly is down, I'm going to tell you that your fly is down. I don't understand the concept of being polite in these situations! If my fly is down and everyone can see my pubes hanging out every where... I want someone - the very first person I see - to say hey, pal, your fly is down. It just is. How is that wrong. Am I calling you an idiot or something? Do I think that you are stupid because your fly is down? Or is it a fact that, if I don't tell you your fly is down, perhaps 100 other people will see that your fly is down. Is that not logical? Don't you think that one person pointing it out (one person who really doesn't care and doesn't think it's funny and would never make fun of you for it) is better than 100 people seeing it but not pointing it out? Am I getting my message across?

I have been thinking lately that the biggest change is possibly my ability to communicate how I feel. When I can explain it properly, it's easier for people to accept, I think. Hmmmm... this just knocked me off my feet so I think that I need to think about it for a while before I will be able to make any kind of sense of it. At ease, soldiers.

Lessons

When I start psyching myself out about the things that I wrote in my profile (because I always do!), instead of throwing up crappy one line generic crap, I am going to remember that horoscope. It's time to stop trying to blend in. I'm getting closer, I know I am... shit, I am doing fantastic... character. Even on the bad days, character is character.

And you know what else?? I only need one. I only need one person to reply. The right person. There can be a thousand wrong guys or there can be a thousand nobodies but at some point I will meet the right guy... it will take exactly the same amount of time, no matter what I do (I mean, you have to be proactive and out there, obviously), I can lay in bed under the covers or I can keep becoming the me that I want to be and trust that I will bump into him somewhere... I believe that it will happen... even if it takes another 20 years.

And at the same time, I can admit that I am ready, I want it to be soon but I refuse to be in a rush and pick someone just because I'm lonely. I am lonely but the feelings that I have right now aren't going to dictate the course of my life... I walked down that road. And we're talking winner's choice now... first you have to win. And now I can say that I want this, and get it, and believe that I can get it right. I'm not listening to that me anymore, the one who didn't believe. I'm gonna start chillin' with this new laid back winner chick and see what comes of it. (As scary as that prospect feels sometimes!!!!!)

This guy, Rob, that I have corresponded with a few times seems really nice... he's asking the right questions and telling me the right answers. Patience. Let's see. Maybe, maybe not. He has a seven year old son... I like that idea. I wonder why he has soul custody. I wonder if he will email me again. I wonder. And it's actually kinda fun! Why did I always try to skip this part? I guess because I know who I like when I like him and I don't beat around the bush. I've never had any idea what patience was. I never had any idea how fun this part would be! And I was always too busy trying to live in tomorrow that I forgot to appreciate today. Even with a big belly. Even now. Today... I'm here... this is me.

Compulsed

That's not actually a word... I checked. Do I care?

I've been watching this movie and struggling with a tremendous compulsion to go to McDonald's. Big Mac. Fries. Coke. It's so frustrating. Such a big part of me wants to go. I'm torn between tying myself to the couch and kicking my ass out the door. And, oddly, the part that is kicking is the part that I want to win. How's that now?

The little devil on my shoulder - the one that thinks some grease would be the bomb - is telling me all the reasons why I should. It's almost like it's the being good that is driving me crazy. No pot since Sunday. No inebriation of any kind since Sunday. Other than when I was visiting my parents... no, including when I was visiting my parents, I have not been without some form of drug or alcohol for this long in a very, sadly, surprisingly long time. I'm lazing about on the couch but there is something inside me that is hopping, bouncing, get me something, get me stoned, get me some food, get me something to take away this boredom. Not that I will put the energy to good use and work on my resume or figure out how I'm going to pay for all of the debt. That would be silly. That would be totally unlike me.

I'm scared. I am afraid that I am going to be this fat (or worse) for the rest of my life. I fear that I will not find a good job. I worry that this hole that I have been digging for myself will soon close in on me. Huh. I have this deep down underlying belief that everything will work out fine, this confidence in myself, in the world, in karma and yet all of the doubt that I see in people's eyes is starting to do me in.

And I want to get a Big Mac. Is that so wrong? Would that be so bad? I am bored and I am lonely and I am going crazy and I know that food won't help it... in the long run... instant gratification? Yes, for a moment it would help. Sigh.

Fabe et al

He showed. Mostly because of the chips? lol No, I know he cares about me; I care about him, too. And, as always, it was nice to have an in person visit to remind me of the things that I didn't care for too much. The story is always the same... he puts a bunch of his music and movie files on my computer (which is actually kinda sweet when you think about it but it used to irritate me like the dickens!), he tells me that I'm looking good (which sounds like a line but I like it anyway), we go to the restaurant for lunch and he proceeds to tell me what I should do with the rest of my life. Yes, he is trying to help but he doesn't like for me to have any input (and I just love love love people telling me what to do!). He is trying to save the world... I didn't really see that before. I always took the things that he said as criticism or controlling but I think he really wants to help... he just has a bit of trouble with presentation.

It was good to spend time with him again. He is not what I am looking for. He played an extremely important role in my life and in my getting my shit together but we are past that now. We are friends. And that's all we will ever be. And, of that, I am glad.

Well, I started creating my resume yesterday. I wonder what the future holds for me. This is kind of exciting... in the scariest possible way, of course. But what is really weird is this: apparently, if I were to fit in with 95% of the world, I should be looking for the best pay for the least amount of work, a dream job should be having absolutely nothing to do all day long. Don't get me wrong, I want the pay, but I want the work more. I want to exert myself. I love coming home pooped after a hard day at work. And no one seems to get that. Is it an attitude thing? Are they just saying that they want a boring albeit well-paying job because that's what everyone is supposed to want? Do I take other people's small talk to literally? And is that why small talk bores me so much? (or is it actually because I have had no life to speak of for the past 5 months so I don't have anything to say)

I am lonely, that much is true. I have never in my life wanted so much to have people around me. I guess I don't have the same need for alone time because I can be myself when other people are around now. Hmmm. Hmmmm. I'm bored... onto the next lame attempt to keep myself occupied. I want a job.

Lunch date

Fabe just left... we hung out for three hours. At first it seemed - huh, I don't know what to say. I'm glad I saw him, he's funny and entertaining but it was like going through the whole old process again. He comes in, shows me whatever new thing he's bought, sits at my computer and starts adding stuff to it without really checking to see if I want it (I'd most likely say yes anyway, though, I suppose!). After a while of talking to him, it just seems like he is trying to tell me what to do and run my life again. But I thank him for his opinion and send him on his way... and remember how grateful I am that I met him... and that we are no longer together.

The suspense is killing me

Fabe is supposed to visit tomorrow. Will he show? There is absolutely no way to be sure until he walks through the door. Of course, I brought his favorite Gross Chicken chips... oops, I mean Roast Chicken chips back with me from my trip and he said that he was online recently trying to find out if he could buy them anywhere here. His only downside of living on the other side of the country... chips. Yucky chips. I do hope to see him, though. He is one of the people in my life that I always, always enjoy talking to. Face to face visits sometimes cause a bit of discomfort (it's been two months, dude!) but he is in a committed relationship and attempts at getting it on - other than flirting, of course, cuz why even bother coming over! - are always discouraged and a total turn off. I think he was seeing her the last time we had sex (about a year ago, in between spurts with Ian) but I buried my head in the sand, claimed complete ignorance and that gets me off the hook. Now it would just be wrong.

Looks like that weird little torch that I have carried since the day I met him will never extinguish. I don't want it to. I put him on my 'maybe someday' list and carry on with my day.

If tomorrow never comes...

Do you know that old saying about how Monday never comes? Start the diet on Monday. Quit smoking on Monday. Weekend is going to be a blast because I have to do all of the eating and partying that I can do before Monday. Well, tomorrow is Monday.

Monday, end of the summer, back to life, back to reality. It's been nice. I have enjoyed this time off, this time of inner reflection, this time of learning to be myself. And I really think it's been good for me. I feel further ahead than I was in March when I quit my job... even thought I incurred/will incur about a minimum of $30,000. Actually, $20,000 because I owed $10,000 when I started. I guess I didn't really tone down on my spending too much. It lasted a week or two. Just like the eating healthy. Just like the exercise. But the one and only rule of the summer of 2008 was - whatever. Anything goes. Do it right. And do it. All the way.

I did. I let go of everything. My job, my attitude, my frustration; and I learned patience and tolerance and respect. I learned who I am and I learned who I want to be. I have set a new path in life for the first time since I was about 18 - which culminated on my 30th birthday. Since then I have been floundering, I have been sure and unsure of so many things, so many people, so many perspectives. It's almost as if I had to do everything exactly wrong so that I can finally get it right.

And I will get it right. I am excited. I am enthused! I am me now... I get to be me! And it's all on my shoulders. Whoever I end up becoming will be because I chose it, I worked for it, I earned it. I will not remain in a job that makes me weep inside just because I need to impress someone that I don't even know or care about. I will not dress, I will not speak, I will not act for anyone but me. The funny part of that is it's the reverse of my old "it's all about me" motto. It's about everyone else because the best part of me is the part that sees other people. I am the mediator, I mediate.

It's about accepting myself for who I am. It's about making the inside match the outside and the outside match the inside, because they were both confused... they just fed on each other. It's finally time to let habit become character. This is the part that I have been waiting for. And I am ready. Bring it on world!

Ex-boyfriend day

There's this strange, unexplainable phenomenon that happens every one or two months... I like to call it "ex-boyfriend day". For some reason, all of my ex-boyfriends seem to contact me on the same day. It is the weirdest thing... if one calls, they all call. Well, it's only been two in the past but I guess now Lyle is thrown into the mix.

So, perhaps I don't need to say this but Lyle came by today. He asked if I wanted to go to lunch and I said let's see... he told me this long story about how he was depressed (although he didn't use that word... he said he went into kind of a box) and didn't talk to anyone really for the last couple of months. His ex-wife moved to the island with their son, he lost his job, his cousin died - rough time, in general. And I can relate to that. I used to be a pro-hider-under-the-covers kind of person for many, many years. And the things that he told me were not a surprise. However, I told him that, while he did not and would never lose my friendship, he didn't seem to notice that I wasn't calling him, either. I told him about my discomfort over those conversations that he oddly forgot. I told him that it bothered me and made me not want to have conversations with him. I said that, right now, I want to just be friends and see what happens. And then we went to lunch.

I had fun with him. I like him. I like being around him. I don't know if I want it to go any further. He was quite respectful and silly, I laughed and had a good time. Long term? I don't know. Like I said, I want to see where it goes. I took a wee vow of celibacy in June and decided that I would not have sex again while I was 36. Well, my birthday is two months away. Will I stick to it? About that I am torn. Okay, about that I am horny. I haven't had sex since June. Not that the sex with Lyle was phenomenal. It was fine, I came and everything but, let's face it, I'm kind of easy to get off. I am setting myself on 'let's see' mode and I will just let the world unfold as it will.

As Lyle was coming upstairs, Ian called. I called him back later. We chatted. He's Ian. There is no attraction there anymore, really. I mean, when Brandon was here and he and I and Stacey went to visit Ian, I was so much more interested in Daisy than him but once or twice I missed snuggling into him. He has stinky pot now and I am kind of jonesin' cause I haven't had any for a few days. I called him back and told him that I wanted some but we didn't not connect. I am a wee bit drunked now because I drank a bottle of wine and a beer but alcohol is a downer and pot is an upper. Honestly, and obviously, I don't need either but I am sofa king bored I can't stand it!!!!!!!!!! I need something to occupy me or I will turn into an inebriated mess tout suite! (that's supposed to be french for right now but I don't remember how to spell it!!)

And then it was Fabian's turn. He called me no less than 6 times while I was away. I left him a message on Tuesday but his days off are Tuesday and Wednesday and he only calls when he is working. Sigh. I love him. He's Fabian. He's the one. He's taken. He doesn't want what I want. He's not the one for me. But he is the one. That's all I want to say right now.

Brandon

Well, my wonderful nephew, I had to send Ian a before and after picture of you - I couldn't help myself... remember his reaction to your green t-shirt? This will blow his mind!! I decided to send you a copy because I figured that it would persuade you to keep your new haircut... but once I saw the two pics together, I changed my mind.

I honestly think you look equally handsome with both haircuts; they are different but one look is no better than the other. (Why would I lie to you? If you weren't handsome, I would just say that you have a good personality!!!!!!) Look in the mirror again, mister... those eyes? Those curls? That little half smile? You are a good looking guy, Brandon... and don't ever let anyone make you believe otherwise... not even you. Especially not you (because, as far as I can see, you are the only one who doubts it).

One of life's great secrets is that, no matter what you do throughout your life, some people will love you and some people will hate you and most people will be somewhere in between - the trick is to figure out who you are and surround yourself with people who help you be that person. If who you are has long hair - grow it out; if that's the way you need it to be right now then let it be that way. And if you want to try short hair for a while, then show your handsome face and be proud. It is impossible to please everyone (especially in our family!) so just worry about pleasing you and trust that everything else will fall into place. Don't waste your life worrying about what you "should" do or what you "should" say or how you "should" look. What you "should" do is be at peace with who you are... and the length of your hair won't change that (although it does express it). Just look inside and figure out who you are right now and be that... and understand that you will grow and change and evolve when you are ready - not when everyone else is ready.

You are an amazing person, Brandon, and the people who care about you are aware of that... you don't have to prove it, you don't have to work at it, you are it! Remember to look for the good - listen to the people who care about you, listen to your friends, listen when people say good things about you... and try believing it for a change (just try... what do you have to lose?). This is trial and error time, this is when you get to try new things or go back to old things, this is when you learn about the world and figure out your place in it. This is mother-father-brother-sister grade 11, dude! Be who you are... just be who you are... that's how you will become who you want to be.

I think you are already pretty damned awesome... and you know I have good taste!!

Love you!! I miss you tons!
xxx

P.S. How do I add you to my Wii? Where do I find the number and how do I enter your number and what is your number and what the heck is taking you so long!! lol

P.P.S. And, one last point which I hope you already know but I will spell it out for you just in case - I am always, always, ALL WAYS here for you if you need to vent, if you need a shoulder, if you need an ear or some advice, anything. There is nothing - NOTHING - that you could ever say or do that will make me love you a tiny bit less. You are my people, Brandon (and it is not because we are family - that's just how we met), deep down inside we have a connection that will never weaken - no matter what!!

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A Poem... by me!

Food

You are with me when I'm happy
Even more so when I'm sad
You're a pat on the back when I do a good deed
My repentance when I've been bad

I sacrificed my body for you
I empowered you through spite
I pretended we had a love affair
But all we did was fight

I needed so much to trust you
That I surrendered my heart and soul
But the comfort that you gave to me
Turned into complete control

Now I am your prisoner
Chained to this self- prophesied fate
But I will conquer you one day
My strength will come from hate

Whew!

Well, I'm back. I made it. I survived. Barely! Just kidding. Overall I would have to say that it was a good trip (like I said, I sometimes turn this into a place to complain but there was lots of good times, too!). I learned a lot more about my family, my parents in particular; and I learned a lot more about myself and who I am trying to be. And I left my glasses in the stupid Toronto airport!! [I swear to god, I am standing there, in the bathroom stall, thinking, as I take the glasses off, that haha, wouldn't it be funny if I leave them here, I pee, I wipe, I zip, I wash, I leave. Next thing I know, I'm belted into my seat in the last row of the plane, watching the final passengers settle in for the long flight and I think 'hmmm... something is missing... crap'. I also threw $50 in the garbage and burnt my arm but we'll leave those stories for another day.]

Another story is that I received two notes from Lyle (he must have stuffed them in my door while I was away and my neighbor held them for me)... the first one goes a little like this:

Bev, I have come by now 5 times to talk to you face to face about what has happened to me since I last saw you in June. I had every intention of returning your DVD's, I was just looking for a time and place so I could see you, sorry about the wait. Please call me at 555-555-5555 (except he gave his actual number!) so I can at least tell you my side of the story. BELIEVE ME! You did nothing wrong, I had a lot happen to me in the middle of June, again it was about me not you, I totally did the wrong thing and did not talk to you about it. Again please forgive me Bev, if there is anything I can at least get from you hopefully is your friendship. Lyle. P.S. I miss you, you are a great person and never did anything wrong to me!!

And here's the second:

To: Bev, I have tried now 6 times to contact you, hopefully you received my letter. I have been looking everywhere for your phone number, I have lost it! Please call or email a.s.a.p. I would like to talk to you! Lyle. 555-555-5555 (this time that's the number that he wrote down... just kidding)

So I called him. Left a message that I would be out tonight but I wouldn't mind getting together tomorrow or Thursday if he wanted to talk. What's the worst that could happen? I am fine without him. I liked him but there were little red flags. And I liked him, I felt that we were looking for the same things. Did I want to find those things with him? I didn't know him long enough to figure that out but it sure seemed promising. And I will be maintaining my celibacy until after my birthday. That is a promise that I made to myself and I am going to keep that promise. I will not let myself down and then maybe I will learn to not let others down. I will parent me if no one else is willing or able to do a thorough job of it!!!

I really think that most men find it difficult to be with me at first and pull back - maybe that's why I always stayed on defense, I didn't have enough patience to let them pull back and trust that they would return. Or not, but if they didn't return I would be moved on from them anyway. Part of my dueling personalities... ever sitting on the fence - just in case.

No Wonder

Well, I am just over half way through my second week of visiting with my parents/family and all I can say is no fucking wonder. No wonder I have been so messed up for so long. I don't even know if I can express myself right now - it is lunchtime on Saturday and I have been sick since Thursday night. Cramping/some vomiting/explosive diarea. Ask me how many times they have inquired about my well being. Come on, just ask. Nonce. Seriously, not once did my mother say "how are you feeling, darling?" "Can I help you in any way?" Go fuck yourself. Nothing. She did, however, worry about herself. She did complain about something that my young foster brother, Leonard, did. She did pour herself yet another drink. She did come into my room (I am in the spare bedroom where her computer is) to get something... didn't even look at me, lying in the bed. No wonder I have spent a lifetime of feeling worthless and invisible. No wonder I am so fucking fucked up. No wonder.

All I want to do in the whole world right now is pack my bags and take a cab to the airport. And I probably would except it's Debra's birthday tomorrow, party tonight.

The fam

Visiting the family for a couple of weeks. It seems like I only come on this blog to bitch but these people are fucking driving me nuts. Is it okay that I don't like my family? But that's not true... I love them, very much... but they irritate me like nobody's business. I am near tears constantly. Pick, pick, bug, bug... can't do anything right. Ever. No wonder I grew up such a mess. I've spent the past year trying to undo the damage that they did to me and I've been here for one week and...

sigh. Story of my life... two steps forward, one step back. Except it feels more like one step forward, ten steps back. Am I being too sensitive? Can I fucking go home now and just love them from afar???????

iTunes

A couple of weird little observation here for a moment... I am downloading all of my music collection onto my NEW COMPUTER and iPod and thinking... as usual...

+ I love music. No, I LOVE music. Seriously, I honestly feel that music pulled me through some seriously rough times, both as a teenager and again in recent years (especially this past year!). I finally realized that it's the music that takes me away. I can let go with music and, until recently, music was the only way that I could let go. I have music for every mood, every situation. No wonder I hated Karl so much... I barely listened to music back then. Anyways, I put my music listening into three separate sections: 1. new stuff that I want to listen to as a secondary task, usually when working or doing puzzles. I don't know the words so I get sidetracked less... I love to sing. 2. stuff that I am learning and I want to listen to over and over and over until any normal person would be seriously sick of it but I can sing every word, for the rest of my life because it's in there so deeply. And 3. what I call chillin' music, when the listening is mostly the primary task but there sometimes is secondary stuff going on like cooking supper. This is where the stuff that I have graduated from goes. Ah, chillin' music.

Anyway, why did I just tell you all that? I'm not totally sure but I do think that it has something to do with the fact that I was thinking that my iPod has given me the soundtrack to my life. It's like I have my own radio station that is tuned into my world - and only songs that I like will play!!!

Huh?

I keep thinking about Fabian. I know, I'm just horny. Just nesting; looking for a mate. Mostly horny at this point. lol But Fabe is not the one for me, I know that. I want children, I want a family life, I want to be with someone who is looking for the same thing. I need this. It is the rest of my life plan.

I was doing some puzzles yesterday and suddenly thought that it would be funny to do my backward countdown to see if I am on track... I don't want to rush into this because all me eggs is dried up! So, I would like to have a child at about 40. Two kids I think: one to mow the lawn and a spare. Hyuk! Hyuk! If I give birth at 40, I will need to be pregnant mid to late 39, want to know the guy for a year before so that brings me to 38. Got to meet the guy after probably meeting bunches of guys that don't work out. I'm months away from 37... I think I am right on track! And I have time to become sexy and start my financial empire. Perfect. >.<

Evolution evolves! Part 2

*** Okay, this time I just have to tell you what the personality profile said because it's the one that I want it to be - FINALLY!! It's weird though, some of the scores that I smirked at the first time (and was thankful for a turn around during subsequent tests) are back close to the first test but they don't bother me anymore. Ah, part of the evolution. ***


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You are a Benevolent Director.

about you

YOU ARE A DIRECTOR

* As a DIRECTOR, you combine an unusual openness and passion for beauty and style with confidence and a down-to-earth sensibility that allow you to realize your vision.
* You are practical and pay attention to the details that others tend to miss.
* By focusing on what is real and concrete, you achieve more than those who always have their heads in the clouds.
* When it comes to what really matters in your life, you are confident in your ability to succeed.
* Having beautiful things in your life gives you pleasure and satisfaction - you have a keen eye for style.
*Even when problems present themselves, deep down you know you will overcome these challenges.
* When routines get too familiar, you become bored and start looking for ways to spice things up.
*You are open to new types of experiences - you are not afraid to take a risk on something new.
* You have a highly developed sense of taste - you know what looks good on you, in your home and in the world at large.
* Your independent streak allows you to make decisions efficiently and to trust your instincts.
* You are balanced in your approach to problem-solving, not letting your emotions hold you up.
* You have a strong sense of style and value your personal presentation - friends may even seek your style advice from time to time.
* Generally, you believe that you control your life, and that external forces only play a limited role in determining what happens to you.

If you want to be different:
Occasionally let yourself dream a little more, even if it doesn't seem practical or efficient.


how you relate to others

YOU ARE BENEVOLENT

* You are a great person to interact with - understanding, giving and trusting - in a word, Benevolent.
* You don't mind being in social situations, as you feel comfortable enough with people to be yourself.
* Your caring nature goes beyond a basic concern: you take the time to understand the nuances of people's situations before passing any sort of judgment.
* You're a good listener, and even better at offering advice.
* You're concerned with others at both an individual and societal level you sympathize with the plights of troubled groups and you can care about people you've never met.
* Considering many different perspectives is something at which you excel, and you appreciate the quality in others.
* Other people's feelings are important to you and you're good at meditating disputes.
* Because of your understanding and patience you tend to bring out the best in people.

If you want to be different:
You spend a lot of time taking care of others, but don't forget to take care of yourself!
Sometimes you get over committed and when you sacrifice spending time with those close to you it can make them feel unimportant.

Evolution evolves!

I periodically do these personality tests online... I find the feedback very informative and it really showed me some areas of my personality that I was not aware of - and really worked to change. So, every now and then I do the test again to see how well all of my work is paying off. And today I am very proud of my progress! [FYI: My openness, empathy and trust in others scores knocked me on my ass the first time!!]



*** I copied this directly from an entry in May and have added my new scores. [Holy moley! (I'm learning to not swear!! I think I'm better than that. I mean I started swearing because I thought it was funny - I would Mother Fucker at the simplest things and then laugh my ass off... problem is, eventually it became my language in everyday conversation so I decided it's time for an adjustment!) How exciting! What evolution! Progress. This report made me smile more than any other. This is me.] ***




Confidence
JUL07, 78 ~ JAN08, 86 ~ MAR08, 88 ~ MAY08, 92 ~ JUL08, 94 ~ FEB09, 94 ~ JAN10, 92

Openness (to new experiences)
JUL07, 6 ~ JAN08, 8 ~ MAR08, 4 ~ MAY08, 44 ~ JUL08, 42 ~ FEB09, 66 ~ JAN10, 56

Extroversion
JUL07, 94 ~ JAN08, 94 ~ MAR08, 88 ~ MAY08, 80 ~ JUL08, 78 ~ FEB09, 94 ~ JAN10, 80

Empathy
JUL07, 4 ~ JAN08, 32 ~ MAR08, 10 ~ MAY08, 36 ~ JUL08, 54 ~ FEB08, 34 ~ JAN10, 6

Trust in Others
JUL07, 56 ~ JAN08, 58 ~ MAR08, 48 ~ MAY08, 92 ~ JUL08, 60 ~ FEB09, 94 ~ JAN10, 92

Agency (belief that you determine outcomes, not god or fate)
JUL07, 88 ~ JAN08, 76 ~ MAR08, 76 ~ MAY08, 58 ~ JUL08, 82 ~ FEB09, 62 ~ JAN10, 80

Masculinity
JUL07, 66 ~ JAN08, 56 ~ MAR08, 52 ~ MAY08, 30 ~ JUL08, 72 ~ FEB09, 44 ~ JAN10, 62

Femininity
JUL07, 6 ~ JAN08, 14 ~ MAR08, 22 ~ MAY08, 48 ~ JUL08, 24 ~ FEB09, 54 ~ JAN10, 38

Spontaneity
JUL07, 48 ~ JAN08, 36 ~ MAR08, 64 ~ MAY08, 80 ~ JUL08, 76 ~ FEB09, 84 ~ JAN10, 90

Attention to Style
JUL07, 58 ~ JAN08, 82 ~ MAR08, 92 ~ MAY08, 82 ~ JUL08, 86 ~ FEB09, 80 ~ JAN10, 88

Authoritarianism (adherence to social order)
JUL07, 88 ~ JAN08, 64 ~ MAR08, 44 ~ MAY08, 40 ~ JUL08, 36 ~ FEB09, 16 ~ JAN10, 4

Earthy/Imaginative
JUL07, 100 ~ JAN08, 96 ~ MAR08, 98 ~ MAY08, 92 ~ JUL08, 88 ~ FEB09, 86 ~ JAN10, 70

Aesthetic/Functional
JUL07, 94 ~ JAN08, 22 ~ MAR08, 34 ~ MAY08, 46 ~ JUL08, 4 ~ FEB09, 54 ~ JAN10, 56

Email to my older sister

Hi sister!

I was just thinking about our conversation today and I wanted to comment a little deeper. I think I found a better way to explain what I was trying to say about figuring out why I had Dad's little habit of being short with people and whatnot...

Like I was saying, I really saw that behavior in myself when I was with Karl and Fabian... Karl irritated me and fought with me, Fabe would get flabbergasted and leave (which is why we stopped and started so many times, I guess). I would just be a bitch and I couldn't figure out why... the things that came out of my mouth weren't the things that I really felt, some days I was just impossible to be around and there was nothing anyone could do to appease me. It was one of the things that I thought was taken care of with the depression realization/medication.

But then I got together with Ian and it started again. And, again, I chalked it up to the messed up brain and pretty much accepted that some days I would just have to lose it... that's just who I was and I told Ian that he couldn't handle me because I could get so difficult and he was such a softy that he wouldn't fight back or leave... he would sit there and take it and try to make it all better and, in doing so, only made it worse. I decided that I would rather be alone and happy than be with someone and hate my own guts because I was such a bitch.

I honestly felt that most people agreed with me, too. Sure, the ones who loved me always loved me but the ones that didn't have to love me didn't love me. (haha! does that make sense at all??) Basically, I entered every relationship - romantic and other wise - with my back up, thinking that it was only a matter of time before they realized that I was impossible to be around and walked away. I was totally charming in the beginning and people really responded to it, and as soon as I reeled them in I started pushing them away. I looked for them to get pissed off or irritated with me and, as soon as I saw any sign of that, I walked.

Then I realized that I was going in the same direction as those in our bloodline that have gone before us and I had to put my foot down. That was not the life that I wanted so I started asking one question constantly - why. You have no idea how much time and thought I have put into this... it's been a long, difficult road but holy shit... my whole world has changed in ways that I didn't even imagine.

Firstly, I realized that I cared more about how strangers perceived me than my own family and friends. The absolute charm that oozed from me around people that I didn't know, always worrying about what strangers were thinking about me and assumed the worst. Then I turned that coin around and realized that I projecting the things that I felt about myself onto others. I remember saying to Ian at the end a couple of months ago that, if he thought that I was mean to him, he should hear the things that I said to myself.

And I started listening to the things that I said to myself and I questioned them. I realized that I was practically constantly telling myself off. I didn't go to the gym and I was bad because of that. I planned to do all of my chores after work (for example) and then I didn't feel like doing them. If I called you and said that, what would you say to me? You would say 'whatever', right? 'It's no big deal, Bev, you'll do it tomorrow or the next day. Every thing is going to be just fine... chill out, you deserve it.'

Am I right? Now... what would you say to yourself in the same situation????? I would feel bad for not doing something that I should have done. How lazy am I? That stuff was supposed to be done a month ago... two months ago I told myself that it would be done in a month and I didn't do it, it's still not done. Because I'm lazy. Because I never get anything done. Because I can't do anything right. Because I suck. That's what I used to say to myself. Now I say 'it's not big deal, Bev, you'll do it tomorrow or the next day and everything is going to be just fine'. And it is! It's fine. Me not kicking myself in the ass didn't get stuff done, it just made me feel bad about stuff not being done. And now? The stuff still isn't done... and it's fine. If it needed to be done it would be done.

We are so supportive of each other. Always looking to say the right thing to make the other feel better. We need to say it to ourselves.


*** OMG! Need sleep! It's almost 4am and I told Brandon that I was going to bed early so I would get up early tomorrow... oops!

And then I started - intentionally, deliberately - talking to me the way I would talk to someone that I cared about. How funny is that? I taught myself to talk to myself as if I was talking to you or Stacey or someone that I loved... and I supported me and I said way to go and I said you can do it. Over and over - until I believed it.

The weirdest side effects have come out of this. I learned to love me and believed that I was good and worthy and I stopped caring what anyone else thought. And I am nice now - nice to others because I am nice to me. For example, if I don't do the dishes after supper, I don't beat myself up about it. If

Horoscope

Scorpio
October 23 - November 21
There is change in the air today, dear Scorpio! For the last three weeks you have been driven by a desire to take a new direction in your career. Based on this desire, you made plans for the future. Now that you are actually carrying out those plans, you are becoming increasingly aware of the intrusions of reality. But there's no need to abandon your latest goals, simply readjust them.



*** Holy shit... how crazy is that????????

Right... um, of course!

I just read my last entry, post, whatever you want to call it. Not the horoscopes that seemed so accurate at the time but the last time I wrote. About believing. And waiting to see if I was right. I was right.

I haven't written in a while because my nephews have been visiting. Aaron is 17, just finished high school, and came out from Sunday the 6th until Sunday the 13th. What a strange experience. I hadn't seen Aaron since 2004 and that's a long time when you are growing up. And the last time I saw him, he was a 13 year old who knew everything, including that I had nothing to say that he wanted to hear. But I can dig that. Been there. Now he's 17 and interested again. I gave him a picture of something else. It was odd to watch him and see the five year old that he once was. So oddly similar. He was too smart. Always told you things that seemed to have the message that he was really smart and a deep thinker. From the moment he could talk.

I enjoyed seeing him again and was proud to have him in my family, proud to share my life with him. No matter what he thinks about me at this stage of his life, I think that he will think fondly of me in the future. And that's enough. Funny, oh me.

I am going to totally break my train of thought now to say a big sigh. Good sigh. I love me sigh. I'm doing something right sigh. Holy shit, I am freaking scared shitless... how cool is that sigh. Stop swearing sigh. lol

Anyway, Aaron got here on Sunday and that was Brandon's 16th birthday. We had two full and two half days alone together. Monday we went to Playland and I was amazed at Aaron's determination to conquer his fear of heights and go on every roller coaster there. He started slow but we gradually got to the Hellevator which goes up 200 feet at 75 miles/hour. Afraid of heights? Wow! He said he blacked out going up but I think he just blew his mind! We chilled out Tuesday... went to the gym together and walked around a bit, cooked supper, Aaron made strawberry tarts and then we had a few beers and got stoned! Don't tell my sister, for shit's sake! (Oops! Trying to stop swearing and get a little bit of feminine shit on the go here! lol) I mean, for heaven's sake! I had fun. We chatted. I feel that we bonded. I was impressed with his maturity and sense of future. I think he will do fine.

I jokingly told Brandon that me scheduling Aaron to leave on his birthday so he could be alone with his mother on his birthday and get more attention. And Brandon thanked me for it. Brandon followed his brother on Wednesday. I scheduled their trips together like that intentionally. For one thing, although I really wanted to spend a couple of days alone with Aaron to get to know him, I was a little bit nervous of what to do with him otherwise. I figured he would probably be bored out of his mind with me so I brought Brandon out a few days in. I knew Brandon would be jealous of having to share me with Aaron at first but he was coming for a month so I would easily make it up to him.

How odd to watch the dynamic of my sister's two sons interacting. They spent plenty of time together but always with Aaron being totally supportive of his younger brother and Brandon speaking to Aaron with contention and irritation. And Brandon kept telling his mother things about Aaron's bad attitude that weren't apparent to anyone but Brandon. If I was talking to Aaron, Brandon was pushing him out of the way. Oh, I saw myself. How amazing. What an insight. To see someone so much like me, the way I used to be and still the way I am ins some ways. With a hefty dash of my sister in him that I really didn't recognize before.

Brandon's whole demeanor changed the moment Aaron walked out of sight into security at the airport. It was total a 180... perk. When he first arrived he was irritating. He pushed and spoke over everyone and was bitter and jealous; after Aaron left he was Brandon again. Brandon is my kind of people. Yes, I love Aaron and I enjoyed spending time with him but Brandon is so much like me and so in need of guidance. All of those times that I have said "why did no one tell me?" about the false crap - ahem, stuff - that I went through as a teenager/young adult will be my gift to Brandon. I know, you would think that he would be rolling his eyes and telling me where to go but he's not... he wants to know this stuff... he needs to know this stuff... and he seems to recognize that fact... even about the stuff that he really doesn't understand yet. God love him. He is one special fella.

Horoscope

Scorpio
October 23 - November 21
The current astral configuration will make you feel happier and more energetic than you may have been feeling lately, dear Scorpio. The reasons for some of the changes that have been happening in your life seem so much clearer to you now. Once you have gotten all your strength back, you will be able to set new goals and ambitions for yourself based on these changes in motivation.

Horoscope

Scorpio
October 23 - November 21
Love is not something that is going to happen spontaneously at this time, dear Scorpio. Don't sit around waiting for someone to come down with a magic wand and instantly make everything better. Love and relationships with close friends and family are things that you are going to need to work for. Keep in mind that this work doesn't necessarily need to be tiring or gruesome, but it is a form of effort on your part.

What is it, boy? Did Pa fall into the well?

It's been kind of a weird week. The other day, for the very first time, I thought 'this is what they are talking about, this is depression'. So, from that, several other thoughts surfaced... although I am stoned right now and I don't really know what they are.

Arg! I have a severe case of the 'don't wanna's' and it's really... really not bothering me as much as it usually would. Hmm. It's bothering me but more in a factual kind of way more so than emotional. I am supposed to go out with Lisa tonight but I don't wanna. Stacey stayed over last night and she was gone when I got up this morning; I keep thinking that I should call her but I don't wanna. Fabe called about an hour ago; I saw his number on the call display but just thought, no, I don't wanna. I'm having diet Coke and fudge for breakfast, I'm watching tv shows that I have absolutely no interest in; I keep thinking that I should get off the couch but I don't wanna.

It's kind of strange to have these I don't wanna's with no other emotion. Usually I would be in bed crying or leaving work because I can't stop crying or shutting all of the phones off because I can't handle it anymore; I would be hating myself because I keep letting everyone down and I am fat and ugly and I need to push everyone away. Today, though? I'm just sitting here. I'm just waiting for it to go away. I'm just sitting here until I feel like not sitting here anymore.

But am I? I have put on at least 5 pounds. I was laughing to myself the other day - how many times have I talked about the fact that I have lost 30 lbs several times in my adult life but I could never get past it. But then I thought - well, I didn't get anywhere near 30 lbs so this has nothing to do with that... then started laughing because I think 24 lbs is pretty close to 30 lbs and I am seeing the same behaviors, the same issues, the same problems. There is no man in my life, I am not desperately in love with anyone, I have no job to complain about, I decided to not even think about work until September so I have no stress, I am not mad at anyone, I don't feel that I have let anyone down, I just got back from two weeks away so it's not that I am sick of being stuck at home, I have had people around me when I want, no one around me when I don't want, I exercise when I want, I sleep when I want, I have no problems, no worries, nothing is wrong... and yet, still, nothing is right.

Am I hard to please or what?

Another change is that I am not stressing about it. I feel that it will go away. I feel that, no matter what I do or say right now, this will go away and I will get up and do all of the things that I have to do.

Now let's wait and see if I'm right. The scary part is - how long do I wait? I guess I will know when I know.

Letter to my seester

"Sister -

I am writing this the night before you leave BC & start out on your big adventure and I want to tell you something... DON'T GO!!! Just kidding! (sort of!)

I cannot tell you how much the past two years of having you so close has meant to me. Not only was it helpful to have your ear and shoulder during a trying time in my life, it was also nice to share a bit of your life again. You have become an amazing, beautiful, kind and generous woman. I am so proud of you and love you more than ever - although I never would have thought that could be possible. You are, without a doubt, my favourite person in the whole world and I am going to miss you tremendously.

It is true that the selfish part of my wants to make you stay but the rest of me is very excited for you as you enter the next stage of your life. You are just getting started, there is so much to see and learn. I know that your life will be fantastic (I will be your biggest fan!)

No matter where our lives take us, no matter how far apart we may be, we will always be together... inside, where it counts. Be safe, my sister, my friend.

Love,
Beverly"

The end

One more day. That's all I have left with my little sister. Of course, she's moving - not dying or something - I will see her again but it won't be the same. I know it's time for her to go but it's not time for me. I am very excited and happy for her but I am sad for me. Is that okay? Is that selfish? I want to tell her. I want to tell her all of the things that I have tried to tell her so many, many times but could never express out loud or on paper.

I would get so emotional, so upset, so unable to deal with that and I would stop. She said today that she didn't want to think about leaving, didn't want to deal with it but I said do; cry and laugh and experience it. These people were important in her life, this time was a very important stage of growth - mourn it, recognize it, acknowledge it and move on. Repressing this shit has no positive side effect! Obviously.

One of Debra's friends posted a bunch of pics online today of the going away party. Criminy, I am fat! (206 last recorded weight, probably put on a few since then - also, I want to note that in my '87 journal I said that I was 170 when I was 15.) Anyway, my first reaction to the pictures was how fat I looked; the second thing I noticed was I am smiling and obviously having a good time in every single one of them. So one really has little to do with the other when no boys are involved. Perhaps I will take a moritorium from relationships (thanks, Alanis!) and just get this shit done. I know I can maintain, I need to fat camp myself and just get it done... well under way, if nothing else.

I have to go to sleep now... I am hurting... too much booze, not enough food... also not helpful! Kisses!

Victoria, Victoria

Well, it's almost over... my little girl is leaving me soon. I am on the island until Debra and Andrew leave on Monday. I am 75% devastated - I don't know what that is supposed to mean but I sure am going to miss them.

This post, though, is not about them... it's about me!! I decided that I don't like being fat anymore. Yep. Just decided. Cuz I was totally fine with it before!! No, I'm just sick of it - I'm sick of this big gut in front of me all the time, I'm sick of the lack of clothing choices, I'm sick of being out of breath, I'm sick of the way people look at me (or, I guess, don't look at me would be more appropriate). No more living in extremes, though. It's not all or nothing, it's not be fat or be thin, it's something in the middle. Once again, as with so many of the changes in my life, I have to try the exact opposite of what I've been doing... have the treats when I am out with friends but make good decisions when I am on my own. Make healthy choices. I am back at the point where I have no interest in the crap but I am almost fighting it, almost making myself clear my plate again. It's okay, me... two steps forward, one step back.

I was so saddened by that old journal that I read, though. Way back, years ago, Mom sent a project that I did in grade 5... a kind of 'all about me' thing and all I talked about was losing weight. I don't want to think about it anymore, I don't want to be a slave to my size, I don't want to think that everything in the world will be better if only I could lose some weight. I really, really did think that when I was younger. When I was a dreamer. I hate being fat but I don't think that it makes me less than a person anymore. I am perfectly at peace with being fat if that is really what I want. If I want to eat that much that I will remain large for my whole life then I will live with that. What I have to realize, though, is the consequences.

There are consequences in everything: good and bad. The consequence of being fat is that I cannot lead the lifestyle that I want to lead. I want to climb things, I want to run, I want to hike, I want to swim, I want to exercise. The consequence of eating crap is that I cannot wear the clothes that I want to wear, I cannot look the way I want to look. The consequence of obesity is that I cannot attract the man that I want. And I will not settle. Cellulite and jiggling belly fat is not what I am looking for. And the only way that I can get what I am looking for is to work at it - hard. How much do I want it?

Horoscope

Scorpio
October 23 - November 21

Certain matters may seem a little cloudy from your vantage point today, dear Scorpio, but this is no reason to be blue. It could be that adjustments must be made before you are able to relate to others on a smooth basis. Take this opportunity to tune out for a while and to get a change of perspective. It could be a lot of fun to just stay close to home and fall asleep on the couch while watching a good movie.


*** I think I figured something out a bit... but I don't feel like writing now so it will have to keep for another time.