OMG. I think I might be right. All of the questions that I have asked during the past year, all of the unproven solutions and theories, all of the hypothesis are coming to this... finding the answer. And the answer is yes. I can be this person. I like her a lot. I can love and I can give and if it doesn't work out? Hey! What are you going to do? That's life. Again, I can only control my actions. If I am truly myself and act in a manner that communicates my self, then I've done my part. No matter what happens, I can only do my part, I can't do anyone else's. I can be proud to have tried and I will try again and again because I do believe that it will happen. And I will feel it - the good and the bad. I will appreciate it, I will enjoy it and I will cherish it. (sorry, stoned.)
It makes me well up a little when I think it could be Rob but I don't know. The testing part is winding down, now I start to evaluate the answers. The basics are all there. He got my jokes, I liked his replies when we were emailing. I saw him and I liked him, he liked me too. Today I went to Nathan's lacrosse game then we went to breakfast and the aquarium. And it was just fun. For one thing, I don't think that I have ever enjoyed the aquarium so much. (did you know that was also my first date with Karl? So much different it's scary!) I have been there a dozen times or so but I never looked at specifics, I didn't pick and poke and wander and laugh and read and get excited by what I saw the way I did with Rob and Nathan. Part of that might have been seeing it through a child's eyes... what a different perspective!
Watching those kids banging around in their great big helmets and padding and they are trying to knock each others sticks and score was awesome... the little goalie was a dream - had no idea what was going on but he got the hang of it eventually and Nathan was totally hogging the ball because his dad said that he could eat all of the Timbits if he got a hat-trick so he tried over and over and over. It was fun to watch Rob on the sidelines, interacting with other people (less than me because you know what I'm like), he says that he is quiet but it's a quiet confidence, not a meekness. That's a huge difference. This guy is pretty awesome. I have probably said before but, even if things don't work out with us romantically, I would like to have him as a friend. But I really hope they do work out romantically, of course.
I'm comfortable with his driving - that's a rare one for me... I don't like anybody's driving but mine and Fabian's. He doesn't have any money but that's cool, neither do I. And while I was wasting $10,000 redecorating my place about four months before I moved out, he was feeding his child. Who's the better person here? (and you know I don't mean that literally) He has not traveled much and has never been on a plane but he does stuff. People who are into traveling a lot do big stuff but don't realize how much pleasure there is in small stuff. Rob plays with his kid at the park, he takes him to the aquarium, he encourages him to draw and says nice stuff about his drawings. Have you ever heard of such a thing?? I asked him in an email once if he had cheat notes because how is this possible ???? (as Debra would tell me, hang on Bev, he will turn out to be a boozer or wife beater, you'll find it!)
I liked him. I wanted to touch him. I looked at his hands and his butt and I sized him up (sheesh! never thought that he might have been doing the same to me all day! cripes!!!), I rubbed against him a couple of times and sizzled a little bit, I think he did the same to me (but I'm not sure... quiet boys aren't very forward in that department... as long as he keeps calling, I can wait). I listened to him talk to his son, I listened to him talk to the waitress, I listened for griping or whining or moaning or complaining and there was none. There was no negativity. He held doors, he smiled, he colored, he teased, he didn't get mad when I broke his glove compartment, he didn't feel like he had to pay for everything but bought breakfast and paid me back for the parking, he was interested in learning and exploring, he wanted to know. I like that so much.
When it came to fathering, there were rules, there was structure and consequences but there was no berating, no putting down, no making fun of, no hurting, no fighting. He said way to go when Nathan scored 4 goals in the game and he waited until later to give him some tips on how he can improve. He didn't say you were good but not good enough, he said way to go and an hour later said you should try to hold your stick this way. That's fathering. Holy shit. It exists. In real life!!
Rob is planning Nathan's birthday party and he was telling me about the loot bags and he was just... I don't know, just enjoying himself. Practically giggling. Rob was trying to get Nathan in the shower last night while we were on the phone and Nathan kept mooning him so Rob told him that I could see him through the phone. And Rob is just having the time of his life. How cool is that??? Seriously, wow.
Rob's ex had two children from a previous relationship and Rob calls them his daughters. That means that Rob can love without blood. It amazes me how many people say that they could never adopt or foster a child because it would never feel like their child without their blood. (I don't think people pay much attention to learned behaviors. Yes, your blood is giving them red hair but your behaviors are giving them their personalities and that's what will last. It will pass on and on, through friends and family and their friends and their families and it will make a difference. I wonder if Rob feels that way?)
Nathan is cute. He's 7 and his birthday is coming up on November 10th. He has a dad who loves him and dotes on him, as it should be. Rob says he recognized his regret that his parents took him out of sports at too young of an age and he wants Nathan to continue, even when he struggles a bit, because it's important in his development. My parents let me quit everything so I totally agree with Rob's stance on that. I would love to go to soccer and lacrosse games every weekend. I don't think I would do all the... okay. Stop. Getting ahead of ourselves. Stop making up who they are and what it will be like because I don't know. Could he possibly like me? Seriously? I don't know but I think he can. Let's just wait and see.
But let me quickly say that I'm kind of dating the both of them right now. They are a matched set, you don't get one without the other. I am testing and observing them and my reaction to them. And I like what I see. I can tell that Rob is a good person to a very large degree because of how he treats his son and the lessons that he is teaching him. I can tell that Nathan will turn out just fine because he is loved and cared for by a good person. They are a testament to each other.
And I felt like I was there, I could safely be me, and I was a part of something... and I liked it.
