It's been kind of a weird week. The other day, for the very first time, I thought 'this is what they are talking about, this is depression'. So, from that, several other thoughts surfaced... although I am stoned right now and I don't really know what they are.
Arg! I have a severe case of the 'don't wanna's' and it's really... really not bothering me as much as it usually would. Hmm. It's bothering me but more in a factual kind of way more so than emotional. I am supposed to go out with Lisa tonight but I don't wanna. Stacey stayed over last night and she was gone when I got up this morning; I keep thinking that I should call her but I don't wanna. Fabe called about an hour ago; I saw his number on the call display but just thought, no, I don't wanna. I'm having diet Coke and fudge for breakfast, I'm watching tv shows that I have absolutely no interest in; I keep thinking that I should get off the couch but I don't wanna.
It's kind of strange to have these I don't wanna's with no other emotion. Usually I would be in bed crying or leaving work because I can't stop crying or shutting all of the phones off because I can't handle it anymore; I would be hating myself because I keep letting everyone down and I am fat and ugly and I need to push everyone away. Today, though? I'm just sitting here. I'm just waiting for it to go away. I'm just sitting here until I feel like not sitting here anymore.
But am I? I have put on at least 5 pounds. I was laughing to myself the other day - how many times have I talked about the fact that I have lost 30 lbs several times in my adult life but I could never get past it. But then I thought - well, I didn't get anywhere near 30 lbs so this has nothing to do with that... then started laughing because I think 24 lbs is pretty close to 30 lbs and I am seeing the same behaviors, the same issues, the same problems. There is no man in my life, I am not desperately in love with anyone, I have no job to complain about, I decided to not even think about work until September so I have no stress, I am not mad at anyone, I don't feel that I have let anyone down, I just got back from two weeks away so it's not that I am sick of being stuck at home, I have had people around me when I want, no one around me when I don't want, I exercise when I want, I sleep when I want, I have no problems, no worries, nothing is wrong... and yet, still, nothing is right.
Am I hard to please or what?
Another change is that I am not stressing about it. I feel that it will go away. I feel that, no matter what I do or say right now, this will go away and I will get up and do all of the things that I have to do.
Now let's wait and see if I'm right. The scary part is - how long do I wait? I guess I will know when I know.
