Oh, I'm bummed. He was cute! (is cute, I guess... haha most likely!) Yeah, he's cute. Nice guy. Kinda shy-ish? He started the conversation totally at first, then we were about equal, then he again. Was he just being polite?
Okay, I was prepared to not be attracted to him but still be his friend in a non-physical way. I was not prepared for him to be hot! Crap. That just changes all the rules and my good ole insecurities come a flooding back. Actually, I don't even consider that an insecurity. I look at that more as human nature, male instinct, logical truth.
Of course, if he is really fucked up and insecure he might be into me. (don't laugh... it's happened before... probably lots)(sigh. see??? insecurity... but whatever) Because, let's look at the facts, he liked my jokes, he responded to our emails quite well, we clicked on the computer and he mentioned a few of those things today. I'm not disgusting. I'm fat, too fat but I guess I am kinda cute otherwise. If everyone says Debra and I look so much alike, how can I not take that as a compliment... she is beautiful. And perhaps I would be beautiful at her size. But I'm not her size. And I know, I know, I'm awesome but, seriously, a good personality can only take you so far... it can't create miracles. He's hot and I'm not. Them's the facts.
That little angel-y chick on my right shoulder just whispered in my ear... what if the problem is not the body but he doesn't call back for some other reason? What if it's something you said, maybe you came on too strong, maybe he thinks you're baby crazy and... fuck, the little angel and the little devil are both assholes!!!
God, I hope he likes me. That is big. I don't think I have ever said that at this point. (**yeah, I've said it... I think it just didn't freak me out as much this time) Or even let myself think it. Of course that's what was going on but I didn't "do" emotions while I was with anyone else... except extreme meltdowns but that's not important right now! lol I wonder how I felt when I met Lyle. Just the fact that I didn't write about him until I had seen him again and had sex with him kind of tells me that I was suppressing. Did I open up to myself, I wonder? I doubt it. (**Stacey and I were talking about this later and I remembered... melt down after melt down... wanting it to end, it was too much. Ah, if something seems to be too good...)
God, I hope he likes me enough to send me an email and ask me out. God, I would really like to see him again in different kind of environment and see if we click, one on one. I like his kid... he's cute, he's a good kid. I enjoyed watching Rob deal with him... But I'm not thinking any further than one or two dates at this point. I still have to see. I'd have sex with him, though. Oh, would I? That makes me uncomfortable. Fuck, what - I finally got some emotions so I have to take them all now? Don't I get to choose? I don't want to be all awkward and embarrassed during sex with anyone! I'm not taking that emotion, I don't care... I'm in that bed to have fun and to give and receive pleasure and I'm not giving that up. If he's there, it's because he wants to be. And that's his problem, not mine. lol Yeah, I'd have sex with him. He's a good looking guy... it's odd to see such shyness in someone so cute. What's with these men? What kind of women have they been with to get fucked up like that? I'll pick up the pieces, baby. You just lay your head right here... (haha! I'm a whore! sigh... I miss sex)
Yes, yes, yes... if he doesn't like me I will move on... chalk it up to a life lesson. Learn from it. Yeah, it's way harder to hear that at this point than I realized. Fuck learning from it. I want his fucking body, man. I like him. And I will learn from this... I just hope that I learn that I am wrong.
