It's like... this is going sound stupid but I guess that won't be a first so... you know those kids in the after school special type movies? They are sad, latch-key kids, whatever... they aren't happy for whatever reason... and for whatever reason they aren't happy, they think it's their own fault... the kid in this movie knows that if only she did something different, tried harder, she doesn't know what she is doing wrong so she tries and tries to get it right. So I'm an adult and I'm watching this kid in this movie and I am realizing that this movie is about me and I remember what it felt like to be that kid, all alone in the world and hurting... and I think 'you poor kid, I wish you knew what I know'.
And then I thought... what if I can tell someone else, others? I've tested my theories... Debra (and her friends, although I didn't even know at the time), Sheena (and her friends, this time I suspected), Steve's kids, Brandon, Aaron. How many others in small ways? Jenna, Billy... Leonard, David, Calvin, Tom, Cathy? (Maybe someday Mom and Dad... they will be the test of a lifetime.) But what if I can help someone else... like everyday... like as a job... is that... possible??????
Debra was obviously a complete success... when she was young, possibly for the very first time, I thought... at the very least, something is wrong in me and I am going to see if I can make it right in her... this is how I feel about myself and I know it's wrong but I don't know how to make it stop in me so I will make sure that it never starts in you... I will find a way, I will be her third parent, I will do things with her, I will tell her it's okay, I will let her see me cry, I will let her see me fat and struggle both physically and emotionally, and more importantly that she should never feel this way about herself, I will love her unconditionally, I will listen to her and I will hear her, I will do anything that I can to see that child smile. Obviously I didn't do it consciously; like I said, she was the first trial... it was the comparisons that showed me it was a test. And I swear to god, that woman is my most favorite person in the whole world, hands down, no holds barred. She's not perfect... actually, kind of gullible and cute! And confident. And maybe somehow she recognized that she wasn't getting something from Mom and Dad and she looked to me for it. Okay, that's all well and good but she's my family, my blood, I knew first hand what she was missing so that was pretty easy.
Then Sheena came into my life. Sheena. Holy crap, that child was wild. Sheena is my boss, Joe's, former girlfriend's daughter. So, the story goes that Joe met Isha, an African woman - from Africa, how exotic (although, I don't think Joe saw her that way... what do boys know? It's almost embarrassing!). Isha was a young mother with three daughters, one of whom was very young and had no father to speak of. Joe gushed but backed out like a coward when he realized that he would have to raise another child... at least that's the way Joe sees it. Joe lost his son to an accident and his wife to cancer the same year... he then sent his daughter to boarding school and, while I know he loved her dearly, he would not allow himself to be too connected. He's German, for shit's sake! lol But I digress.
Well, back then Joe left Isha because he didn't want another child. Years and years later, Joe was older and making a bit of money, perhaps building up a bit of confidence, he was lonely and he wanted more. So he sent for Isha. In the mean time, it turns out that Isha is now married to another man, whom she was dating while she was dating Joe, her two older children wouldn't speak to her, she was certain that her husband was trying to kill her or something, tapping phones, following her, that kind of stuff. Joe takes Isha and Sheena out here, puts them up in his condo development and takes care of them. Yeah, so, turns out Isha is addicted to crack cocaine. Has been for years. In and out of rehab. Paranoid. She would steal Sheena's allowance from Joe, she would leave Sheena alone over night to go get her fix. There was a huge downward spiral, Isha attempted suicide, went back into rehab, Sheena came to bunk in with Joe (and then she wouldn't leave!). Joe's home was above his office, the office that I worked in three days a week.
And she was a terror! Holy hell on wheels, man. She would have fits and throw things, she had a temper and if she was mad at you, you were gonna find out but quick. She took no shit but she certainly took over. Joe and I kinda became a parenting team - he said yes and I said no. He came to me to discuss his problems with her and he asked me to sit in on "meetings" with them when he needed to (paper and pen in hand) discuss a serious topic (like her doing the dishes sometimes). I didn't want to be her parent, I thought that I would be more helpful as a friend (also, at that time in my life, commitment to just about anything made me want to run for the hills!) Eventually, I started spending more time with Sheena. Joe thought that he was controlling the whole thing by paying for us to go to the movie or to dinner... I totally let him pay because, hey, I'm not stupid, but the money had nothing to do with me seeing her... I would have gladly paid.
I started thinking of some of my older women friends and how much they influenced me and helped me see a different perspective. Joanne who was totally cool when I was about 10 and let me stay at her place sometimes (I'm sure she was probably just giving Mom a break... I asked a lot of questions!); she let me sip her beer once and, when she babysat us while Mom and Dad were in Texas, I totally stole a beer and screamed swear words at my brother and she caught me at both and never told. Hot damn, she was cool. Then, of course my mother and older sister, younger sister, too, I guess, I saw the best in everyone and tried to emulate those qualities myself. My cousin Jackie was my hero when I was a kid, Denise when she gave me the 'Annie' record (how cool was that? she probably doesn't even know how happy it made me, to get that attention), when I got older there was Brenda, Dianne, Sheila and Mick. So many woman who taught me about who I wanted to be. And I wanted to be that to some degree for Sheena, too.
There were times that I doubted I was getting through, she was so frustrating and, while we were very much alike, she reacted in absolutely opposite ways that I was used to. At her age I would cry in the corner but she threw business phones off of balconies. All of this was going down right after I left Karl and started finding my own voice. I had been led my whole life but when I left Karl it was because, deep down, I knew there had to be something different for me, something more. So I went looking for it... and I took Sheena with me. She is now in her second year of university, she is in a healthy relationship, she has tons of friends, confident, beautiful (still testing the limits of her loved ones patience, though... but I think she deserves to... and she's still learning). I brought her home to Newfoundland, helped her make a video-application to be on a tv game show, I then accompanied her to Toronto to be on that game show, Joe and I were her 'parents' at her high school graduation, she is my family. I am as proud of Sheena as I have ever been proud of anyone. And I honestly think that I learned a lot more from her than she did from me.
Please excuse me, is there a word for hyper-digression? Yes, I guess there is. It's probably hyper-digression. (tee hee!) What I was trying to describe was that I have tested my theories of how to communicate with children. I have very successfully tested my theories.
On what level of heaven would I have to be to dare dream of going to school to be some kind of councilor. But where? What? Who? How? I don't know. But I know I would be good at it. Be a good platform from which to start spreading the word, paying it forward, so to speak. Heaven.
Billy was a child up at Julie's camping ground... the second child of close friends. I mostly stayed away from little kids. I did not want to be a parent and I avoided all parent-like activities. But they were trying to put this child in the water and he was freaking out! He was loosing his mind and they couldn't see that they were making it worse with their "don't be silly" attitude. Fear is not silly, people... it's natural and necessary. I brought him into the lake and put him in very slowly, one toe at a time, with lots of giggles and whoops and fun. Moments later, moments later, he was splashing around with the rest of them.
