I think what has really been going on with me is that I have let my self forget a bit of what all of this is about. This is about accepting myself, about not apologizing for being myself. "Sorry, this is what I meant by this joke." "Did you find what I said sounded like I was complaining?" I haven't been trusting who I am again... I have been going back to lie under the covers and wait for it all to go away.
And that is making it go away to a degree. The problem is... when I get up, it's all still there. I eat crap for "one more day" because I almost feel like I am struggling to hold on to my security blanket. This weight has been my excuse for a lot of things in my life, it has been my cloak (ha... like Sheena's hoody and Brandon's long hair). I have been hiding me behind it - practically forever - because I didn't think that I could survive without it. I have gained and lost and gained and lost... never lost past 30 pounds... thought that it was because I was afraid of men even though I knew I wasn't afraid of men... then I thought it was because I suffered from depression and there was nothing that I could do about it back then but now that I have these pills it's just going to fall off. Then it was because I was pushing Ian away. That might have been the closest that I have been... I was pushing everyone away, I was apologizing for being myself, I was agreeing with what everyone else said I was, I was saying yes, Mom, you are right, I am aggressive.
You know what? I'm not. I don't want to be. I'm nice and they haven't figured that out yet. Probably because I still bully them when I am trying to get a point across, probably because I say what I feel, probably because I speak out and say no, that is unjust, that should not be, look what you are doing! Is that aggressive? Hmmm. Perhaps it is. But I'm not aggressive in a mean way, I am trying to help. I am also learning to understand and recognize when my help is not being asked for. But, like I said to Andrew that night, if we are at a restaurant and you ask me how I like my meal, I'm not going to lie about it. If it's not good, I'm not going to get pissy and throw things but I'm also not going to ooh and aah over the rich sauce. Perhaps that is what is polite but who is it helping? I am sick of this being rewarded for nothing. Who is it helping? Is it helping the person who is getting top marks for crappy nail application? Is it helping her customer when she fucks up her nails? Is it helping her family when she starts her own business which subsequently goes under because she sucks at applying nails?? Or!! Or perhaps her instructor could have said... yes, they are very good but you fucked up right here, try again or just not give her an A+ because she's really sweet and you don't want to hurt her feelings?!!
When someone does something fantastic, or just a little above and beyond, I point it out. I say thank you. Does it mean anything if someone gets marks for doing nothing? Is it right when someone gets no marks for doing really well? I want my marks for working hard, not for showing up. I always, in every situation I am in, I consider how I should treat this person... is this person making an effort, being indifferent or overly rude? I will act accordingly. I'm not a bitch about it. I think I'm pretty good about it. And in some situations, sometimes I am a bitch about it if that's how I feel I need to communicate my point... but I do this for good and never, ever, ever, ever, in retaliation or to talk down to someone. I am pointing something out because it needs to be said.
I used to work in a bank as a teller. One day, this lady... this bitch came up to my wicket and she was being a bitch. She was rude and short with me and snappy and, in addition to all of that, she was asking me to do something that was above and beyond the call of duty. She said, I want this level of service from you. I said no. I said, very kindly, perhaps a little too sugary sweet, now that I look back - but I was still learning! - I said "perhaps if you were a little nicer to me, I would offer you that level of service." I didn't say "fuck off, bitch" even though I really wanted to. I didn't do it and swear about her under my breath and tell everyone about what a bitch she is. I said respect me. And you know what she did? Ha... she asked to speak to the manager. And she reamed out the manager... but I think as she was doing so, she realized what I was talking about. Then she apologized. And then I went above and beyond the call of duty for her.
I was talking to Tom and Julie and Stacey at different times about my trip and I told all three of them the same story because I wanted to gauge their reactions. When I was home, I told Mom that she should not be raising a 13 year old boy... she doesn't have the patience for it, she doesn't want to do it and she is not helping his situation. It is true. No one is benefiting from that union - Leonard is being spoken down to, he is being pushed away when a hug or a moment of positive attention would do a world of good. And they don't want to raise him, Mom and Dad want to help, their heart is in the right place, their intentions are good but they are just not willing to do what is required anymore. Everyone that I told that story to was going yep, you're right Bev, exactly, they shouldn't be doing it. When I told them that I told Mom the same thing, they each looked at me in shock and said "you actually told her that?" Yes, she needed to know. It's true, she knows it, I just pointed it out. And now she says it, now she knows that she is not letting anyone down for letting him go when this agreement expires at the end of the month and she isn't hating herself for making him leave, it's in his best interest. Now he will be getting a new chance. She has told him that it's not him, she is just too old to raise a thirteen year old boy, she said that she saw the difference in how I was dealing with him and how positively he reacted to that, she saw the patience that she just doesn't have. How is telling her that wrong, people? How is it better to say those things behind her back and not try to help? She would still have him, she wouldn't be happy, she would be bitching at him and about him constantly, she would be damaging him and making him think that he doesn't count or that he is doing something wrong, even though there is no way for him to make it right. Is it better to watch a bus drive straight at a kid and say nothing? Would you not yell out or fucking tackle him??? It is helping and not by ridiculing or nagging but in a positive healthy way... I am telling you that your fly is down, not that you have a small dick - there's a difference!
Maybe my visit with my parents affected me more than I realized. Maybe some of their words got in again and I didn't even realize it. Sitting alone in my room while I was sick and then seeing how Leonard was told to do the same kind of got to me. I am different, it is true... that doesn't mean different is wrong. I'm listening to the feedback, I am watching, I am testing and I am helping. I have something special. My mother told me that tonight. And she's right but I guess, in the all or nothingness I could only hear one side... there's only two sides, the good or the bad and I defaulted to the norm.
Same thing with Rob. Yes, I hope that I like him a lot and I hope that he likes me but I don't need him to like me. It will happen for me someday, I have to believe that I will find what I'm looking for and there is no way that I can know right now whether it's Rob or not. I was excited about Lyle and it didn't work out because I walked away... I did not run, I followed my instincts and they were right. So, perhaps in my daydreams and fantasies, the image doesn't have to be him. It's just someone right now. If he isn't the one, if I still have lessons to learn before I get this right, I will take those lessons and I will be thankful for them because they will help me get it right. I will take those lessons. And I will heed them. I guess I am still confident that everything will work out as it should.
Of course, as I told Tom, the problem with this theory is that I don't know if it's right or not. It is still in the testing stages. Could go either way at this point!! Haha! The good part of that is, no matter how it turns out, I am still happy. Right now. I want more and I like wanting more. I will fight for it. Even if I am only fighting me.
