Well, it's almost over... my little girl is leaving me soon. I am on the island until Debra and Andrew leave on Monday. I am 75% devastated - I don't know what that is supposed to mean but I sure am going to miss them.
This post, though, is not about them... it's about me!! I decided that I don't like being fat anymore. Yep. Just decided. Cuz I was totally fine with it before!! No, I'm just sick of it - I'm sick of this big gut in front of me all the time, I'm sick of the lack of clothing choices, I'm sick of being out of breath, I'm sick of the way people look at me (or, I guess, don't look at me would be more appropriate). No more living in extremes, though. It's not all or nothing, it's not be fat or be thin, it's something in the middle. Once again, as with so many of the changes in my life, I have to try the exact opposite of what I've been doing... have the treats when I am out with friends but make good decisions when I am on my own. Make healthy choices. I am back at the point where I have no interest in the crap but I am almost fighting it, almost making myself clear my plate again. It's okay, me... two steps forward, one step back.
I was so saddened by that old journal that I read, though. Way back, years ago, Mom sent a project that I did in grade 5... a kind of 'all about me' thing and all I talked about was losing weight. I don't want to think about it anymore, I don't want to be a slave to my size, I don't want to think that everything in the world will be better if only I could lose some weight. I really, really did think that when I was younger. When I was a dreamer. I hate being fat but I don't think that it makes me less than a person anymore. I am perfectly at peace with being fat if that is really what I want. If I want to eat that much that I will remain large for my whole life then I will live with that. What I have to realize, though, is the consequences.
There are consequences in everything: good and bad. The consequence of being fat is that I cannot lead the lifestyle that I want to lead. I want to climb things, I want to run, I want to hike, I want to swim, I want to exercise. The consequence of eating crap is that I cannot wear the clothes that I want to wear, I cannot look the way I want to look. The consequence of obesity is that I cannot attract the man that I want. And I will not settle. Cellulite and jiggling belly fat is not what I am looking for. And the only way that I can get what I am looking for is to work at it - hard. How much do I want it?
