He didn't call.
He didn't email.
I know it doesn't mean anything.
I know.
On the edge of a meltdown. Wasn't that a song? Sigh. I know, I know. I see where it used to come from and it's really tempting to fall into old habits but I'm not going to do it. Logically, I know that him not contacting me on one day doesn't mean anything. It's just that this was the first day he ever spent with me so it's possible that he doesn't like me. Maybe he didn't realize on the day we met. Or he wasn't sure either and wanted to meet but I over did it... I can't believe that. I can't. I won't. Even if it's true that he doesn't like me, it doesn't mean that no one ever will. He's out there. Someone. Right? I mean it's not like I'm desperate and I will take anyone, I don't even know Rob yet. At this point, if he's not the one for me that would be disappointing but not the end of the world. I do believe that I will find someone and we will be happy and I can not settle and I can't wish that I could be with a guy who doesn't want to be with me. I don't have time for it.
And don't jump the gun yet. Anything could have happened. I am sometimes hard to take. (is that still my mother back there in the back of my head?) I had a good feeling - aren't I there yet? I call myself this good judge of character... doesn't that mean that I should let this go and trust myself? Just let it go. Stop fighting it. Stop. Just have a little faith in yourself for a change.
And the fact that you are getting your period does explain your weepyness and sore breasts but it does not excuse losing faith and letting everything fall to pieces. Stop hiding. Get out there and be this person that you speak so highly of. Get up, get your shit together. No one else is going to do it for you. They can't. Do it for yourself. Self fulfilling prophecy, remember? Let's flip it and use our powers for good instead of evil... make it true, Beverly, you can make it true. You can. You can. Just let it go and believe. That's the difference, remember? She believes. And so can you.
I think I need so much to be this person right now that I am half expecting it to be taken away from me.
This is exactly the area that causes me so much trouble, though. You know what happened? I put myself out there. I said something really nice to him and gushed maybe a little and I wait for proof of success and, if that proof doesn't come at the time I expect it (I'm talking moments), I'm out the door. Because I think I have proof of the bad stuff instead of realizing that anything could have happened, nothing could have happened, he could be tired, he could be cranky, he could be unsure and that's okay. Slow means more than two days. Just chill the fuck out and let what will be, be. You control you.
