It just hit me. The only reason that I felt I was not worthy was that my parents told me that I was not worthy. I totally thought that I was worthy... when I was by myself. Not when there was anyone else around but, when I was alone, I was worthy. I just accepted it without question... as I do most everything else. I adapt. I always hated that about me. I was supposed to bitch and complain and I would fit in. And I did. And that's where the struggle came from.
First of all, when it came to men... wait. I'm getting off the topic. And this is what I'm talking about! Wow.
When it comes to worthiness, I think... omg, I'm too stoned and I'm getting ahead of myself. (Cool!) Hot damn. I love it when this happens. Although I'm getting better at believing that my down times are okay, I still struggle. And I think you're supposed to. I am finally understanding and accepting all of this new (which isn't really that new... but more about that in a minute!) wisdom, this clarity, this acceptance of who I am deep down.
So, in a nutshell, what I realized today is that I have always been like this. I have always been this person, I had this wisdom, this clarity, this ability to see things and say things that very few people are able to do. Most times it works out well, sometimes not and that's okay... because I am making an effort and that is all that I can do. I already believed this stuff but no one else was making the effort so I couldn't make the effort because I was supposed to do what they said. I was supposed to stand meekly by and be led. I didn't realize that I was a leader.
Okay, so I always thought that everyone thought just like me, right. I am now realizing that the main difference is that I'm a logical thinker. That's all there is to it. My whole fucking life, as it seems to turn out, has been extremely blessed and fucked up because the way I think, the way my brain processes things. I thought everyone else already knew this stuff and I was screaming, inside I was aching and dying and being tortured because I thought that everyone else knew this stuff and they weren't doing anything about it and because I am supposed to be like them then I'm not supposed to do anything about it. I wanted to.
I left my home and everything I knew and I drove across the country. Because I knew, deep deep down, that I wouldn't survive if I didn't leave. I was on my death bed almost every day and knew that I couldn't die so I had to leave so that I could live. (Whoa. That's pretty deep!) But the point is that I was deep and I was feeling so much, I wanted so much, I needed so much to be okay. I was different and I couldn't pretend to be the same anymore. I don't think that it was where I lived that made it so difficult, it was what I was learning. Maybe when I was a kid I was interested but I thought... I don't know. I was so afraid of it then.
Shit. Got carried away again. I was talking about logical thinking. a+b=c It's the most basic concept that I have ever known. When I learned it in math, I thought, of course it does, of course it equals c. I guess one of the main themes of this - even though I'm going a mile a minute and I can't think fast enough - I already knew it. This is not new knowledge. I think this knowledge was half the problem because I was tortured that no one else realized it - how could they not? It's so basic. It's c. If your fly is down, I'm going to tell you that your fly is down. I don't understand the concept of being polite in these situations! If my fly is down and everyone can see my pubes hanging out every where... I want someone - the very first person I see - to say hey, pal, your fly is down. It just is. How is that wrong. Am I calling you an idiot or something? Do I think that you are stupid because your fly is down? Or is it a fact that, if I don't tell you your fly is down, perhaps 100 other people will see that your fly is down. Is that not logical? Don't you think that one person pointing it out (one person who really doesn't care and doesn't think it's funny and would never make fun of you for it) is better than 100 people seeing it but not pointing it out? Am I getting my message across?
I have been thinking lately that the biggest change is possibly my ability to communicate how I feel. When I can explain it properly, it's easier for people to accept, I think. Hmmmm... this just knocked me off my feet so I think that I need to think about it for a while before I will be able to make any kind of sense of it. At ease, soldiers.
