I just had a revelation that practically knocked me off my feet. When I was writing that email to Rob earlier, I thought that it was funny that my tone had returned to exactly how it was before I met him. When we were emailing I was outgoing and witty, and we clicked - I know we did. Then I met him and realized that strong attraction for him and I went into observe mode. The problem is that I spent so much time observing that I forgot to participate.
I have always felt like I was on the outside looking in. Could it possibly be because that's exactly what I was always doing?? Maybe it wasn't that I had low self-esteem which manifested itself through my seratonin deficiency (not to discount that because I truly believe that it made a huge impact on my life), and that really never made sense because I didn't believe all of those bad things about myself. I was just trying to explain or figure out why I was so happy when I was by myself or with Stacey and other friends but I was so unhappy when I was with a man for any length of time (or any stranger when I was younger). I always stood on the outside and watched and observed and I think I just forgot to participate. That's why these men never know me. That's why I always thought I was wrong. The men ended up as friends.
I always phrased it as being able to remain friends with my boyfriends but I realized tonight that it's more like I have been able to only be friends with my boyfriends. As soon as that idea of a relationship was off the table, my whole persona changed back to me. Yes, I lose myself in relationships but only through neglect and perhaps a bit of laziness. That's why I usually only fall for men that I'm not attracted to... I don't do that pulling back... until after I fall for them and then it's too late because they are already in too deep. Wowsers, dude. That's huge.
