I just discovered something about myself. And something that is quite possibly the reason that I am at odds with the men that fall in love with me.
I was sitting here thinking about how different communications were between Rob and I when we emailed and when we were in person. How could we have clicked so well in writing but not at all in person? Because I suck at dating.
I did not make an effort to talk to him. With Nathan, I couldn't find enough to say; with Rob, I was awkward and uncomfortable, I was pleasant enough and had a good attitude but whatever it was in me that Rob was attracted to via email was gone in person.
And that tendency has always been there - perhaps the only e... nope, I was going to say perhaps the only exception was Ian but it was there with him, too. The funniest part is, when I try to figure out why I realized that I just didn't think of it. I chat with people everywhere. I talk to everyone. I love to ask questions and find out how people feel about different topics and to learn about their experiences. I guess, again, the habit was to lose myself and, even when I worked emotional stuff out, the habit was still there. Exactly like the eating. Just a hard habit to break. Of course, actually recognizing it should assist somewhat in that department!
When I thought he liked me... no, even before then... I walked up to him in that park and I was a different person. Obviously the weight couldn't have been too important to him... he saw pictures of me before we met and emailed me right after the meet-cute. I just detached from my personality the moment I was in his presence. If he was an older man or a kid, someone that I wasn't attracted to, you wouldn't be able to slow me down but this good looking guy? I'm nice enough. I smile, I'm agreeable, everything is okay at all times. And I forget to be myself.
I guess it wasn't outwardly apparent with Lyle because he didn't shut up. Even though from day one I felt uncomfortable, like I wasn't really being true to myself. I just turn into this "whatever you want" girl. The reason I hate that sentence so much is probably because I want to do whatever they want to do... and if they feel the same, there's no where to go with it. Hm. Hm... need to process this a little more.
