iTunes

A couple of weird little observation here for a moment... I am downloading all of my music collection onto my NEW COMPUTER and iPod and thinking... as usual...

+ I love music. No, I LOVE music. Seriously, I honestly feel that music pulled me through some seriously rough times, both as a teenager and again in recent years (especially this past year!). I finally realized that it's the music that takes me away. I can let go with music and, until recently, music was the only way that I could let go. I have music for every mood, every situation. No wonder I hated Karl so much... I barely listened to music back then. Anyways, I put my music listening into three separate sections: 1. new stuff that I want to listen to as a secondary task, usually when working or doing puzzles. I don't know the words so I get sidetracked less... I love to sing. 2. stuff that I am learning and I want to listen to over and over and over until any normal person would be seriously sick of it but I can sing every word, for the rest of my life because it's in there so deeply. And 3. what I call chillin' music, when the listening is mostly the primary task but there sometimes is secondary stuff going on like cooking supper. This is where the stuff that I have graduated from goes. Ah, chillin' music.

Anyway, why did I just tell you all that? I'm not totally sure but I do think that it has something to do with the fact that I was thinking that my iPod has given me the soundtrack to my life. It's like I have my own radio station that is tuned into my world - and only songs that I like will play!!!

Huh?

I keep thinking about Fabian. I know, I'm just horny. Just nesting; looking for a mate. Mostly horny at this point. lol But Fabe is not the one for me, I know that. I want children, I want a family life, I want to be with someone who is looking for the same thing. I need this. It is the rest of my life plan.

I was doing some puzzles yesterday and suddenly thought that it would be funny to do my backward countdown to see if I am on track... I don't want to rush into this because all me eggs is dried up! So, I would like to have a child at about 40. Two kids I think: one to mow the lawn and a spare. Hyuk! Hyuk! If I give birth at 40, I will need to be pregnant mid to late 39, want to know the guy for a year before so that brings me to 38. Got to meet the guy after probably meeting bunches of guys that don't work out. I'm months away from 37... I think I am right on track! And I have time to become sexy and start my financial empire. Perfect. >.<

Evolution evolves! Part 2

*** Okay, this time I just have to tell you what the personality profile said because it's the one that I want it to be - FINALLY!! It's weird though, some of the scores that I smirked at the first time (and was thankful for a turn around during subsequent tests) are back close to the first test but they don't bother me anymore. Ah, part of the evolution. ***


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You are a Benevolent Director.

about you

YOU ARE A DIRECTOR

* As a DIRECTOR, you combine an unusual openness and passion for beauty and style with confidence and a down-to-earth sensibility that allow you to realize your vision.
* You are practical and pay attention to the details that others tend to miss.
* By focusing on what is real and concrete, you achieve more than those who always have their heads in the clouds.
* When it comes to what really matters in your life, you are confident in your ability to succeed.
* Having beautiful things in your life gives you pleasure and satisfaction - you have a keen eye for style.
*Even when problems present themselves, deep down you know you will overcome these challenges.
* When routines get too familiar, you become bored and start looking for ways to spice things up.
*You are open to new types of experiences - you are not afraid to take a risk on something new.
* You have a highly developed sense of taste - you know what looks good on you, in your home and in the world at large.
* Your independent streak allows you to make decisions efficiently and to trust your instincts.
* You are balanced in your approach to problem-solving, not letting your emotions hold you up.
* You have a strong sense of style and value your personal presentation - friends may even seek your style advice from time to time.
* Generally, you believe that you control your life, and that external forces only play a limited role in determining what happens to you.

If you want to be different:
Occasionally let yourself dream a little more, even if it doesn't seem practical or efficient.


how you relate to others

YOU ARE BENEVOLENT

* You are a great person to interact with - understanding, giving and trusting - in a word, Benevolent.
* You don't mind being in social situations, as you feel comfortable enough with people to be yourself.
* Your caring nature goes beyond a basic concern: you take the time to understand the nuances of people's situations before passing any sort of judgment.
* You're a good listener, and even better at offering advice.
* You're concerned with others at both an individual and societal level you sympathize with the plights of troubled groups and you can care about people you've never met.
* Considering many different perspectives is something at which you excel, and you appreciate the quality in others.
* Other people's feelings are important to you and you're good at meditating disputes.
* Because of your understanding and patience you tend to bring out the best in people.

If you want to be different:
You spend a lot of time taking care of others, but don't forget to take care of yourself!
Sometimes you get over committed and when you sacrifice spending time with those close to you it can make them feel unimportant.

Evolution evolves!

I periodically do these personality tests online... I find the feedback very informative and it really showed me some areas of my personality that I was not aware of - and really worked to change. So, every now and then I do the test again to see how well all of my work is paying off. And today I am very proud of my progress! [FYI: My openness, empathy and trust in others scores knocked me on my ass the first time!!]



*** I copied this directly from an entry in May and have added my new scores. [Holy moley! (I'm learning to not swear!! I think I'm better than that. I mean I started swearing because I thought it was funny - I would Mother Fucker at the simplest things and then laugh my ass off... problem is, eventually it became my language in everyday conversation so I decided it's time for an adjustment!) How exciting! What evolution! Progress. This report made me smile more than any other. This is me.] ***




Confidence
JUL07, 78 ~ JAN08, 86 ~ MAR08, 88 ~ MAY08, 92 ~ JUL08, 94 ~ FEB09, 94 ~ JAN10, 92

Openness (to new experiences)
JUL07, 6 ~ JAN08, 8 ~ MAR08, 4 ~ MAY08, 44 ~ JUL08, 42 ~ FEB09, 66 ~ JAN10, 56

Extroversion
JUL07, 94 ~ JAN08, 94 ~ MAR08, 88 ~ MAY08, 80 ~ JUL08, 78 ~ FEB09, 94 ~ JAN10, 80

Empathy
JUL07, 4 ~ JAN08, 32 ~ MAR08, 10 ~ MAY08, 36 ~ JUL08, 54 ~ FEB08, 34 ~ JAN10, 6

Trust in Others
JUL07, 56 ~ JAN08, 58 ~ MAR08, 48 ~ MAY08, 92 ~ JUL08, 60 ~ FEB09, 94 ~ JAN10, 92

Agency (belief that you determine outcomes, not god or fate)
JUL07, 88 ~ JAN08, 76 ~ MAR08, 76 ~ MAY08, 58 ~ JUL08, 82 ~ FEB09, 62 ~ JAN10, 80

Masculinity
JUL07, 66 ~ JAN08, 56 ~ MAR08, 52 ~ MAY08, 30 ~ JUL08, 72 ~ FEB09, 44 ~ JAN10, 62

Femininity
JUL07, 6 ~ JAN08, 14 ~ MAR08, 22 ~ MAY08, 48 ~ JUL08, 24 ~ FEB09, 54 ~ JAN10, 38

Spontaneity
JUL07, 48 ~ JAN08, 36 ~ MAR08, 64 ~ MAY08, 80 ~ JUL08, 76 ~ FEB09, 84 ~ JAN10, 90

Attention to Style
JUL07, 58 ~ JAN08, 82 ~ MAR08, 92 ~ MAY08, 82 ~ JUL08, 86 ~ FEB09, 80 ~ JAN10, 88

Authoritarianism (adherence to social order)
JUL07, 88 ~ JAN08, 64 ~ MAR08, 44 ~ MAY08, 40 ~ JUL08, 36 ~ FEB09, 16 ~ JAN10, 4

Earthy/Imaginative
JUL07, 100 ~ JAN08, 96 ~ MAR08, 98 ~ MAY08, 92 ~ JUL08, 88 ~ FEB09, 86 ~ JAN10, 70

Aesthetic/Functional
JUL07, 94 ~ JAN08, 22 ~ MAR08, 34 ~ MAY08, 46 ~ JUL08, 4 ~ FEB09, 54 ~ JAN10, 56

Email to my older sister

Hi sister!

I was just thinking about our conversation today and I wanted to comment a little deeper. I think I found a better way to explain what I was trying to say about figuring out why I had Dad's little habit of being short with people and whatnot...

Like I was saying, I really saw that behavior in myself when I was with Karl and Fabian... Karl irritated me and fought with me, Fabe would get flabbergasted and leave (which is why we stopped and started so many times, I guess). I would just be a bitch and I couldn't figure out why... the things that came out of my mouth weren't the things that I really felt, some days I was just impossible to be around and there was nothing anyone could do to appease me. It was one of the things that I thought was taken care of with the depression realization/medication.

But then I got together with Ian and it started again. And, again, I chalked it up to the messed up brain and pretty much accepted that some days I would just have to lose it... that's just who I was and I told Ian that he couldn't handle me because I could get so difficult and he was such a softy that he wouldn't fight back or leave... he would sit there and take it and try to make it all better and, in doing so, only made it worse. I decided that I would rather be alone and happy than be with someone and hate my own guts because I was such a bitch.

I honestly felt that most people agreed with me, too. Sure, the ones who loved me always loved me but the ones that didn't have to love me didn't love me. (haha! does that make sense at all??) Basically, I entered every relationship - romantic and other wise - with my back up, thinking that it was only a matter of time before they realized that I was impossible to be around and walked away. I was totally charming in the beginning and people really responded to it, and as soon as I reeled them in I started pushing them away. I looked for them to get pissed off or irritated with me and, as soon as I saw any sign of that, I walked.

Then I realized that I was going in the same direction as those in our bloodline that have gone before us and I had to put my foot down. That was not the life that I wanted so I started asking one question constantly - why. You have no idea how much time and thought I have put into this... it's been a long, difficult road but holy shit... my whole world has changed in ways that I didn't even imagine.

Firstly, I realized that I cared more about how strangers perceived me than my own family and friends. The absolute charm that oozed from me around people that I didn't know, always worrying about what strangers were thinking about me and assumed the worst. Then I turned that coin around and realized that I projecting the things that I felt about myself onto others. I remember saying to Ian at the end a couple of months ago that, if he thought that I was mean to him, he should hear the things that I said to myself.

And I started listening to the things that I said to myself and I questioned them. I realized that I was practically constantly telling myself off. I didn't go to the gym and I was bad because of that. I planned to do all of my chores after work (for example) and then I didn't feel like doing them. If I called you and said that, what would you say to me? You would say 'whatever', right? 'It's no big deal, Bev, you'll do it tomorrow or the next day. Every thing is going to be just fine... chill out, you deserve it.'

Am I right? Now... what would you say to yourself in the same situation????? I would feel bad for not doing something that I should have done. How lazy am I? That stuff was supposed to be done a month ago... two months ago I told myself that it would be done in a month and I didn't do it, it's still not done. Because I'm lazy. Because I never get anything done. Because I can't do anything right. Because I suck. That's what I used to say to myself. Now I say 'it's not big deal, Bev, you'll do it tomorrow or the next day and everything is going to be just fine'. And it is! It's fine. Me not kicking myself in the ass didn't get stuff done, it just made me feel bad about stuff not being done. And now? The stuff still isn't done... and it's fine. If it needed to be done it would be done.

We are so supportive of each other. Always looking to say the right thing to make the other feel better. We need to say it to ourselves.


*** OMG! Need sleep! It's almost 4am and I told Brandon that I was going to bed early so I would get up early tomorrow... oops!

And then I started - intentionally, deliberately - talking to me the way I would talk to someone that I cared about. How funny is that? I taught myself to talk to myself as if I was talking to you or Stacey or someone that I loved... and I supported me and I said way to go and I said you can do it. Over and over - until I believed it.

The weirdest side effects have come out of this. I learned to love me and believed that I was good and worthy and I stopped caring what anyone else thought. And I am nice now - nice to others because I am nice to me. For example, if I don't do the dishes after supper, I don't beat myself up about it. If

Horoscope

Scorpio
October 23 - November 21
There is change in the air today, dear Scorpio! For the last three weeks you have been driven by a desire to take a new direction in your career. Based on this desire, you made plans for the future. Now that you are actually carrying out those plans, you are becoming increasingly aware of the intrusions of reality. But there's no need to abandon your latest goals, simply readjust them.



*** Holy shit... how crazy is that????????

Right... um, of course!

I just read my last entry, post, whatever you want to call it. Not the horoscopes that seemed so accurate at the time but the last time I wrote. About believing. And waiting to see if I was right. I was right.

I haven't written in a while because my nephews have been visiting. Aaron is 17, just finished high school, and came out from Sunday the 6th until Sunday the 13th. What a strange experience. I hadn't seen Aaron since 2004 and that's a long time when you are growing up. And the last time I saw him, he was a 13 year old who knew everything, including that I had nothing to say that he wanted to hear. But I can dig that. Been there. Now he's 17 and interested again. I gave him a picture of something else. It was odd to watch him and see the five year old that he once was. So oddly similar. He was too smart. Always told you things that seemed to have the message that he was really smart and a deep thinker. From the moment he could talk.

I enjoyed seeing him again and was proud to have him in my family, proud to share my life with him. No matter what he thinks about me at this stage of his life, I think that he will think fondly of me in the future. And that's enough. Funny, oh me.

I am going to totally break my train of thought now to say a big sigh. Good sigh. I love me sigh. I'm doing something right sigh. Holy shit, I am freaking scared shitless... how cool is that sigh. Stop swearing sigh. lol

Anyway, Aaron got here on Sunday and that was Brandon's 16th birthday. We had two full and two half days alone together. Monday we went to Playland and I was amazed at Aaron's determination to conquer his fear of heights and go on every roller coaster there. He started slow but we gradually got to the Hellevator which goes up 200 feet at 75 miles/hour. Afraid of heights? Wow! He said he blacked out going up but I think he just blew his mind! We chilled out Tuesday... went to the gym together and walked around a bit, cooked supper, Aaron made strawberry tarts and then we had a few beers and got stoned! Don't tell my sister, for shit's sake! (Oops! Trying to stop swearing and get a little bit of feminine shit on the go here! lol) I mean, for heaven's sake! I had fun. We chatted. I feel that we bonded. I was impressed with his maturity and sense of future. I think he will do fine.

I jokingly told Brandon that me scheduling Aaron to leave on his birthday so he could be alone with his mother on his birthday and get more attention. And Brandon thanked me for it. Brandon followed his brother on Wednesday. I scheduled their trips together like that intentionally. For one thing, although I really wanted to spend a couple of days alone with Aaron to get to know him, I was a little bit nervous of what to do with him otherwise. I figured he would probably be bored out of his mind with me so I brought Brandon out a few days in. I knew Brandon would be jealous of having to share me with Aaron at first but he was coming for a month so I would easily make it up to him.

How odd to watch the dynamic of my sister's two sons interacting. They spent plenty of time together but always with Aaron being totally supportive of his younger brother and Brandon speaking to Aaron with contention and irritation. And Brandon kept telling his mother things about Aaron's bad attitude that weren't apparent to anyone but Brandon. If I was talking to Aaron, Brandon was pushing him out of the way. Oh, I saw myself. How amazing. What an insight. To see someone so much like me, the way I used to be and still the way I am ins some ways. With a hefty dash of my sister in him that I really didn't recognize before.

Brandon's whole demeanor changed the moment Aaron walked out of sight into security at the airport. It was total a 180... perk. When he first arrived he was irritating. He pushed and spoke over everyone and was bitter and jealous; after Aaron left he was Brandon again. Brandon is my kind of people. Yes, I love Aaron and I enjoyed spending time with him but Brandon is so much like me and so in need of guidance. All of those times that I have said "why did no one tell me?" about the false crap - ahem, stuff - that I went through as a teenager/young adult will be my gift to Brandon. I know, you would think that he would be rolling his eyes and telling me where to go but he's not... he wants to know this stuff... he needs to know this stuff... and he seems to recognize that fact... even about the stuff that he really doesn't understand yet. God love him. He is one special fella.

Horoscope

Scorpio
October 23 - November 21
The current astral configuration will make you feel happier and more energetic than you may have been feeling lately, dear Scorpio. The reasons for some of the changes that have been happening in your life seem so much clearer to you now. Once you have gotten all your strength back, you will be able to set new goals and ambitions for yourself based on these changes in motivation.

Horoscope

Scorpio
October 23 - November 21
Love is not something that is going to happen spontaneously at this time, dear Scorpio. Don't sit around waiting for someone to come down with a magic wand and instantly make everything better. Love and relationships with close friends and family are things that you are going to need to work for. Keep in mind that this work doesn't necessarily need to be tiring or gruesome, but it is a form of effort on your part.

What is it, boy? Did Pa fall into the well?

It's been kind of a weird week. The other day, for the very first time, I thought 'this is what they are talking about, this is depression'. So, from that, several other thoughts surfaced... although I am stoned right now and I don't really know what they are.

Arg! I have a severe case of the 'don't wanna's' and it's really... really not bothering me as much as it usually would. Hmm. It's bothering me but more in a factual kind of way more so than emotional. I am supposed to go out with Lisa tonight but I don't wanna. Stacey stayed over last night and she was gone when I got up this morning; I keep thinking that I should call her but I don't wanna. Fabe called about an hour ago; I saw his number on the call display but just thought, no, I don't wanna. I'm having diet Coke and fudge for breakfast, I'm watching tv shows that I have absolutely no interest in; I keep thinking that I should get off the couch but I don't wanna.

It's kind of strange to have these I don't wanna's with no other emotion. Usually I would be in bed crying or leaving work because I can't stop crying or shutting all of the phones off because I can't handle it anymore; I would be hating myself because I keep letting everyone down and I am fat and ugly and I need to push everyone away. Today, though? I'm just sitting here. I'm just waiting for it to go away. I'm just sitting here until I feel like not sitting here anymore.

But am I? I have put on at least 5 pounds. I was laughing to myself the other day - how many times have I talked about the fact that I have lost 30 lbs several times in my adult life but I could never get past it. But then I thought - well, I didn't get anywhere near 30 lbs so this has nothing to do with that... then started laughing because I think 24 lbs is pretty close to 30 lbs and I am seeing the same behaviors, the same issues, the same problems. There is no man in my life, I am not desperately in love with anyone, I have no job to complain about, I decided to not even think about work until September so I have no stress, I am not mad at anyone, I don't feel that I have let anyone down, I just got back from two weeks away so it's not that I am sick of being stuck at home, I have had people around me when I want, no one around me when I don't want, I exercise when I want, I sleep when I want, I have no problems, no worries, nothing is wrong... and yet, still, nothing is right.

Am I hard to please or what?

Another change is that I am not stressing about it. I feel that it will go away. I feel that, no matter what I do or say right now, this will go away and I will get up and do all of the things that I have to do.

Now let's wait and see if I'm right. The scary part is - how long do I wait? I guess I will know when I know.

Letter to my seester

"Sister -

I am writing this the night before you leave BC & start out on your big adventure and I want to tell you something... DON'T GO!!! Just kidding! (sort of!)

I cannot tell you how much the past two years of having you so close has meant to me. Not only was it helpful to have your ear and shoulder during a trying time in my life, it was also nice to share a bit of your life again. You have become an amazing, beautiful, kind and generous woman. I am so proud of you and love you more than ever - although I never would have thought that could be possible. You are, without a doubt, my favourite person in the whole world and I am going to miss you tremendously.

It is true that the selfish part of my wants to make you stay but the rest of me is very excited for you as you enter the next stage of your life. You are just getting started, there is so much to see and learn. I know that your life will be fantastic (I will be your biggest fan!)

No matter where our lives take us, no matter how far apart we may be, we will always be together... inside, where it counts. Be safe, my sister, my friend.

Love,
Beverly"

The end

One more day. That's all I have left with my little sister. Of course, she's moving - not dying or something - I will see her again but it won't be the same. I know it's time for her to go but it's not time for me. I am very excited and happy for her but I am sad for me. Is that okay? Is that selfish? I want to tell her. I want to tell her all of the things that I have tried to tell her so many, many times but could never express out loud or on paper.

I would get so emotional, so upset, so unable to deal with that and I would stop. She said today that she didn't want to think about leaving, didn't want to deal with it but I said do; cry and laugh and experience it. These people were important in her life, this time was a very important stage of growth - mourn it, recognize it, acknowledge it and move on. Repressing this shit has no positive side effect! Obviously.

One of Debra's friends posted a bunch of pics online today of the going away party. Criminy, I am fat! (206 last recorded weight, probably put on a few since then - also, I want to note that in my '87 journal I said that I was 170 when I was 15.) Anyway, my first reaction to the pictures was how fat I looked; the second thing I noticed was I am smiling and obviously having a good time in every single one of them. So one really has little to do with the other when no boys are involved. Perhaps I will take a moritorium from relationships (thanks, Alanis!) and just get this shit done. I know I can maintain, I need to fat camp myself and just get it done... well under way, if nothing else.

I have to go to sleep now... I am hurting... too much booze, not enough food... also not helpful! Kisses!

Victoria, Victoria

Well, it's almost over... my little girl is leaving me soon. I am on the island until Debra and Andrew leave on Monday. I am 75% devastated - I don't know what that is supposed to mean but I sure am going to miss them.

This post, though, is not about them... it's about me!! I decided that I don't like being fat anymore. Yep. Just decided. Cuz I was totally fine with it before!! No, I'm just sick of it - I'm sick of this big gut in front of me all the time, I'm sick of the lack of clothing choices, I'm sick of being out of breath, I'm sick of the way people look at me (or, I guess, don't look at me would be more appropriate). No more living in extremes, though. It's not all or nothing, it's not be fat or be thin, it's something in the middle. Once again, as with so many of the changes in my life, I have to try the exact opposite of what I've been doing... have the treats when I am out with friends but make good decisions when I am on my own. Make healthy choices. I am back at the point where I have no interest in the crap but I am almost fighting it, almost making myself clear my plate again. It's okay, me... two steps forward, one step back.

I was so saddened by that old journal that I read, though. Way back, years ago, Mom sent a project that I did in grade 5... a kind of 'all about me' thing and all I talked about was losing weight. I don't want to think about it anymore, I don't want to be a slave to my size, I don't want to think that everything in the world will be better if only I could lose some weight. I really, really did think that when I was younger. When I was a dreamer. I hate being fat but I don't think that it makes me less than a person anymore. I am perfectly at peace with being fat if that is really what I want. If I want to eat that much that I will remain large for my whole life then I will live with that. What I have to realize, though, is the consequences.

There are consequences in everything: good and bad. The consequence of being fat is that I cannot lead the lifestyle that I want to lead. I want to climb things, I want to run, I want to hike, I want to swim, I want to exercise. The consequence of eating crap is that I cannot wear the clothes that I want to wear, I cannot look the way I want to look. The consequence of obesity is that I cannot attract the man that I want. And I will not settle. Cellulite and jiggling belly fat is not what I am looking for. And the only way that I can get what I am looking for is to work at it - hard. How much do I want it?

Horoscope

Scorpio
October 23 - November 21

Certain matters may seem a little cloudy from your vantage point today, dear Scorpio, but this is no reason to be blue. It could be that adjustments must be made before you are able to relate to others on a smooth basis. Take this opportunity to tune out for a while and to get a change of perspective. It could be a lot of fun to just stay close to home and fall asleep on the couch while watching a good movie.


*** I think I figured something out a bit... but I don't feel like writing now so it will have to keep for another time.

In their defense

After I wrote the last post, I started reading the letters that were in the box where I found my diary. Here are two letters that were written to me from my parents as a part of a COR retreat that I did in high school (grade 12, I think... so, 1989ish).


From Mom:

Dear Beverly,

I hope you are enjoying your weekend. Imagine a whole weekend away from Cinderella duties.

First of all Bev I want to tell you that I am sorry if I seemed harsh in discussing Safe Grad the other night. I guess I get overly irritated when things don't go exactly the way I would like it.

Since this letter is not meant to deal with my personality, but to tell you how how much I love you and how proud I am of you and everything you do. you are a beautiful young woman and it may seem that sometimes you get lost in the crowd. you also feel taken for granted most of the time. Believe me, I appreciate going home and not having to face an untidy house.

You know it's too bad that life moves by all of us so fast. There never seems to be enough time for parents to sit back and enjoy their families the way they should. It seems we only make the time when we feel there is a problem to deal with. We never take the time to just sit back and enjoy each other. Maybe that's not totally right. I do like to feel that you and I have had some good chats together. I hope when you leave us next year and if you decide to live on your own, you will spend as much time with us as you can. Once you go to university and are so far away, we won't see you very often.

You know Bev you find it hard to believe that I consider you my baby. I have kind of put Debra aside in my mind. She is so young and we will have a long time to enjoy time with her, please God. But you never did get to have our undivided attention, did you? That does not mean that we are not aware of you.

Your father is also writing you a letter. We have not shared what is written and we won't but I do have to tell you that after the drama festival the other night he said how proud he was and how beautiful you are.

You have an inner beauty that also shines through in your expression. You have an easygoing way about you but I know there is a lot of depth to you also. You are a deep thinker and sometimes have been terribly depressed. At times I feared for you, but thank God, your strength overcame whatever was getting you down.

I hate the thought of you growing up. It seems I hardly realized you were 17 years and there you are finishing school. It always seems that you shouldn't be that old already. You went from 14 to 17 so fast, going out on dates with older guys. It's hard to let you grow up, to let go.

I don't know if this weekend will make a lot of difference to you. I guess I always like to think that we are a close family, that family life is important to you and to the rest of us. You are everything we want you to be at this stage of your life.

You are a caring, loving person. You are not always out on the go. You spend time at home with us. You are willing and as we discussed once before, you could have grown up with a chip on your shoulder because of Debra but you haven't. She thinks you are wonderful.

Bev I could probably keep going on here forever, but you have other things to get on to. I hope when this weekend is over you will remember some of what I have said, especially when you want to do something and I'm against it. You will have to remind me you are growing up and of course I'll probably still give you a hard time.

Remember always that I love you and am proud of you. You are a special person. We love you for the wonderful person you are.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend. We will see you on Sunday. Remember although I don't say it often in our daily encounters, I love you very much and will always be here for you.

Love Mom


From Dad:

Hi Bev,

I am writing this letter to tell you something that I don't say very often to you. I love you.

Loving you is so easy, because you are just like me. Ha! A few things that are different between us is that you show your feelings better than me.

The time you had your fall from the bike and you wrote the story about it, I was so hurt. Hurt because it was true what you said. If you had to look close at me you would have seen that I was fighting back tears that I didn't want you to see. I know it is stupid to you but that's the way I am.

Telling you now that I'm sorry don't replace the hurt you had then. That kind of hurt don't heal with time. Oh! If I had my time back, I would show you the love I have for you. I'd show you feelings that you can't put on paper.

Dad

It's all me

I was feeling much better after that last post. I got up yesterday and went for a walk. I even ran into Ian, Lynda and Daisy (ha, that's the first time I spelled her name correctly... I must be over it!) and chatted and scratched butt for a couple of minutes. I tried to bring Lynda into the conversation as well - she should know that I'm over it, no hard feelings, I won't be eating her children anytime soon. And, you know what? Little side bar here but I really never noticed... she's a bit chubby herself.

So, I'm kinda back on my ass again. Not... well... I... hmmm. I pulled out my first journal, from 1987/88 when I was 15/16. Sad. Muther. Sad stuff. And, for probably the first time, I was pissed off. I remember that girl. I remember those feelings of never being able to do anything right. I would try and I would try and nothing was good enough. Nothing has been good enough since because nothing was ever good enough. Although, perhaps that was by my standards, not everyone else's. God, I cry for that girl... for the pain that she was in.

And I got pissed off because why did no one see that pain? Why did they not reach out to me when I so obviously needed them? Mom was too busy keeping up with work and volunteering and she had clubs and committees; Dad was busy making sure no one saw a sensitive feeling slip out when he wasn't paying attention. All of this pain for all of these years could have been eased so much if someone just came into my room and put their arms around me.

No wonder I could never let anyone hold me. That was really apparent in the early days with Ian; it drove me crazy when he would stand there and hug me but I loved it so much after I learned to accept it. I always knew that was a side effect from Mom and the countless times that I came to her and she pushed me away... I would never even approach my dad in that way... there's no way he would accept such a open show of affection. They fucked me up: chemically, emotionally, physically. I know I was there and I know that I had a choice in everything that I said and did in my whole life... I was also a child who was lost and alone and thought that I was garbage. They saw it, they watched it, they both admit that... Mom used to read my diary for fucks sake. Dad told her that I was suicidal. Mom told me in recent years that she didn't like me back then... she didn't like me. She didn't like me. Fuch.

We all know that I don't blame them. I mean, yeah, they made mistakes but, for one thing, they had no control over the messed up combination of them that they created. And they just didn't see me - but I do blame them for not taking the time to look for me. They also had no control over their upbringing and body chemistry. But they were adults, I was a child... they were supposed to be there, they were supposed to love me, they were supposed to teach me to love myself, they were supposed to intervene when I so obviously did not love myself. So, yeah, maybe I do blame them. They were old enough to know better and they did a shit job in raising me emotionally. "What did I do wrong" she used to say a couple of years ago... until I started answering her. Yes, I do blame them, I blame her. She should have paid more attention to her child that was falling apart and less attention to all those fucking strangers that she felt it was so important that she sit on their committees and be such a big fucking hero in the community.

My Julian Gray shrink guy used to say that it was unnatural to blame myself for everything. Oh, the guilt, the self loathing, the constant berating. I didn't really get what he was saying because I knew that I was the problem so who else was I to blame? He said it wasn't natural to take so much on my shoulders but, at the time, I thought he meant work stuff and family stuff... I didn't realize that he meant that I couldn't be in absolute control of everything in my whole life. Maybe taking a bit of the blame off my shoulders will help me put some of this stuff to rest.

And I made a decision today. I am going to be to others who my mother should have been to me. I will have children (!!!!!!!!!) and I will teach them how to love, themselves and others. And I am going to treat my mother with massive amounts of love and respect, I will be everything that she wasn't to me. I will teach her, too.

Another thing just hit me - I finally figured out why, when I was 18, I decided I would never have children - because I learned that having children was such a terrible, thankless burden. Mom told me practically every day.

I know I will feel differently in about 5 minutes but I will say this right now for the first time in my recollection - I hate them. I hate them for what they did. I hate them for not seeing me. I hate them for fucking me up so fucking goddamn much. They fucked up my whole fucking life and I'm so far behind I don't know if I can ever catch up. FUCK. fuck.

Last comment - I had no idea how fucked up I was. I truly honestly had no idea.

Almost

It's as if I am stuck. Stuck in the steps back. I have gained 4 pounds. I eat and I cry. I watch movies and I check my email to see if someone has approved of me yet. I could walk to the store. I could clean my pad. I could scrub my ceramic tiles. I could go walk some dogs. I could make some money. I could figure out my life. I could fix myself some lunch. But I will sit here and eat fudge.

It's familiar. Yes, I have hated being here my whole life but you must also realize that this is where I have been my whole life. This is what I know. This is where I am comfortable... all cozy in my own little private torture chamber. But I think it's almost time...

It's time to just be. Stop looking for answers, stop looking for more questions and just be. I can be this. If I want to. I can be here eating and smoking pot and crying to my laptop. If I want to. I can be anything that I want. Anyone. Anyhow. I choose. Anything. I am the one making these decisions; the big and the small.

Who I want to be doesn't have to be perfect. Who I want to be has strengths and weaknesses. Who I want to be knows that it's okay to be alone sometimes but it doesn't have to be all the time. Who I want to be is active. Who I want to be is fun. Who I want to be has a life. Who I want to be goes out and does things. Who I want to be doesn't just sit here and cry about it.

Who I want to be is beautiful. Who I want to be messes up sometimes but it's no big deal. Who I want to be realizes that it's okay if it is a big deal sometimes. Who I want to be is healthy and loves herself and her family. Who I want to be I will be some day. I just have to be.

Food

Perhaps it's because I am alone 97.5% of the time, I have nothing to occupy myself and all I want to do is eat crappy food or get stoned.

The world

Why is it that some days I feel like I am on top of the world and some days I feel like I can't get out from under it?

Flash

I was just reading some old posts and it was as if I was reading someone else's words. It was like reading the boring melodramatic story of a highly confident, albeit slightly messed up, woman in her mid 30s. And, I have to tell you, through a lot of it I was rolling my eyes and wondering how this woman got to be so goddamned sure about herself. I mean listen to her go on and on, pat, pat, pat on the back. Was that me?

But why the fuck not be her? So goddamned sure about herself. I reminded myself today that I now kind of get a kick out of reading about the life changing struggles that I poured my heart out about just a few years ago... I was tormented and uncomfortable and anguished... they were so frustrating and ... and now they are a distant memory (and oddly seem so much simpler in hindsight) and I am so much better off for going through all of that. So I guess tormented and uncomfortable and anguished are just part of my personality. And people put up with it, for the most part. There's obviously some good going on here, girlfriend. Let's have a little looksy at that for a change.

Of course, I'll get through this, too - I'm just soaking up the drama! Okay, well, along with pouring my heart out about the life changing struggles that are in progress. This is where I think and sort and discover and question and I don't have to feel like I am ruining someone's night and they are probably pissed that they picked up the phone but enough about me how about you mutherfuker (bitter much?). This is why we are here, these are the lessons we are seeking and there will be plenty more, I'm sure.

First comes the thought
and from the thought comes the word;
from the word springs the deed
and the deed slowly becomes habit;
until habit hardens into character
and you become your thoughts.
- Georgia Nicols (Horoscope chick)


We are working on the habit part right now, Beverly. We will get to the character part eventually and when we do it's gonna be fine! Right now we are learning and we are testing and we are struggling but we are doing this for a reason and we will be better for it in the long run. Now, go light up another doobie, strap on the ole iPod and shake your booty!!!

Not happy

Damn, I can't get out of this funk. I am starting to feel like I did after my accident in 2003 when I spent a lot of time here, the shut in. Of course, back in those days I also had a head injury and a lot of pain so I am not quite on the floor with a bottle of pills... but I am concerned.

The real piss off is that I know what to do to get myself out of this but I just don't feel like it. I think I will take myself to a movie in a bit... hopefully that will break the seal. I don't want to eat (until late in the evening when I get stoned and munchy); what I really want to do is get back to that fun girl from a few weeks ago. Where did she go? What happened? I was all about the charm, socializing here and there, dancing to and fro and then it just crashed down around me. What's different? The boy? Or is that coincidence? Doesn't really seem like it... seems more like old news to me. And I guess I could beat this but I don't seem to want to... I want it to swallow me, I want it to finish me. How could I go so far backward so fast? I think I'm better off by myself. Fuck, this even happens when the guy only wants to see me once a week. I need brain surgery.


*** And the light that went on said 'exercise'. It's the only difference between then and now that I can see. Yes, yes, cycle, blah, blah, blah. I am backtracking and I need to get back on course. Exercise. Hmm. Little. Yellow. Different.

Switch

So, I have kind of been back on the personals. I know... drama, drama, drama! He's either too good or he's not good enough. No, that's not really it. I don't want to date anyone... I'm just bored! It's been raining for days and, after my rough week last week and nothing but grey clouds and rain ever since, I'm starting to feel like a shut in. I need to go out! I need to move! I need to get shit done! I need to stop mutherfukin eating and getting stoned!

But what the fuck is this Friday stuff? Our first date was Friday, then I was on the island for the weekend, I went to his place on Monday (he took Tuesday off), he came to my place on Wednesday but didn't stay over, he came to my place on Friday and I didn't see him again until the Friday just passed. Yes, he calls most nights but still. Can't we go out some week nights? Can't I pop over to bring him some pie and a blow job? Can't we just cuddle and watch tv for a while and then I would go home? I have to talk to him about this but it's too soon... I want to see what he does first. I guess, in some ways, I hope that the personals make him pay attention. I don't particularly want to go out with anyone else right now but who knows what could happen... there's lots of nice guys on there. If he wants to be exclusive I would like to see him more than one night a week. Of course, at the same time, I can still count all of our dates on one hand so I don't think it's time to start the constant shrill nagging that I like to subject all of my suitors to.

Oh, and I have to tell you this funny story that Ian told me today - and totally trampled on my feelings! He said he had some stuff for me and he could drop it off, I said can I come to his place tomorrow and get it so I can have a quick visit with Daisy, he said come late afternoon because otherwise Linda with be there and you said you didn't want to see her, I said that's old news (although I still don't want to see her) and he made some crack and I asked if Linda was afraid of me or something. He tells me about how he and Linda were joking around one night and he told her to stop or I would come over and beat her up and eat her children. Ouch man. Fuckin' ouch. I won't say anything to him because what does it matter at this point but ouch.

I seriously have to get out of here. I am eating so much it is driving me crazy. Old behaviors, right? I can't do that again. I need to get outside and run or walk or go to the gym or something. I have to move or I will return to that girl that Ian so enjoyed mocking. Ouch.

Full of it

Things worked out with Lyle. Where did I leave off? Oh, he was supposed to call Thursday after that whole email debacle... but he didn't. He did, however, call on Friday. It was 2pm and he had left work to go back to the doctor (I kinda had thought that he was a big baby boo hooing about his sore muscles last week but apparently he had fractured a rib!!! Life is way more interesting if you just let it happen!), he called and was totally normal and said is it okay if I come there at about 3pm? I said sure and he came with his bag of newspaper clippings and menus and pj's and his toothbrush. It was awesome! He came ready for a sleepover... there was no question and no weird discomfort about how the evening would end... I frickin' love this guy!!!

So, he comes over and I was a wee bit uncomfortable, I guess, but not for long. He sits down next to me, pulls me into his arms and says "Now. Lets talk about how much you like me!" I said nope. I said "you don't remember what you said to me so I decided that I don't remember what I said to you." (Oh, and "I don't want to talk to you when you are drunk again.") Bugger. Jesus, I swear to god this man has been watching me for 10 fucking years and knows exactly what to do or say... like every time! He was pissy on Saturday morning because he didn't sleep very well (I do some sort of weird moan/snore apparently!) and I was glad. I was glad when I saw him a little cranky. We were laughing about it two minutes later but it made this seem more real somehow. Because it can't be all good. It just can't. I don't believe in it. But if the things that aren't all good are as silly as the fact that I snore, bring it fucking on, buster.

Anyway, past and present: we had another wonderful Friday afternoon and I enjoyed being with him all day. We went to Costco and to Home Depot and the liquor store and Walmart and got every single thing on my list. I never get every single thing on my list. And it was fun! We went to the liquor store and neither of us knew what kind of wine to get so he calls over someone who works there and starts asking what wine would be good with the chicken alfredo we had just bought. We were joking around and being silly when we were walking back to the car ("do you think I like doing that to you? It hurts me more than it hurts you. Wham!" that shit was funny, dude!) And somehow, although I am 99% sure it was his fault, the bag slipped out of my hand and smashed to the ground. Clutz. Fuck. He was so cool. I was laughing and he picked it up and we laughed our way back to the store. I bought another bottle but he goes over to the clerk and holds the bag up and says "We dropped this. Can we get another one?" And the guys says "sure". (Who would ever think of doing that? I love him for fuck sake!!!)

Later we came back here and had supper and I spilled my water all over the place. Clutz. Fuck!! He was cool... he grabbed the ottoman tray and brought it over to the sink and cleaned it out. Then he got the remotes and dried them off. He offered to take my recycling. And then he actually took it! That never happens. Ever. And he told me he loved me, in jest of course. We were joking around about something, found something else in common, and he goes "I love you". Of course my response is "how could you not?" (I love this version of me. I love her. I want to marry her. Forever.) But I laughed it off. We had sex as soon as he came over, pretty much. He's even okay with going with the flo. I like that... he's not afraid of a little blood - as grotesque as that may seem to some men out there - and that says he'll be there. He is kind and considerate and funny (he wore his Toronto Maple Leafs pajama pants and a t-shirt that says something like "this is to distract you while I look at your boobs" or something and my purple croc knockoffs that Ian bought me and he went down to the sandwich shop for a coffee. I laughed my ass off all morning with him and then I oddly started to wonder how many of these traits would drive me up the wall someday. I liked even Karl in the beginning. Go away Negativia!! (that's what I'll call the bitch in my head!)

So, as always, to make a short story long, I called him yesterday evening after I got back from lunch and movie and shopping with the girls and he was not home and so I left him a nice girl message and later in the evening I sent an email to break the "email cherry" (oh, how whitty!) and said that Stacey and I were to be out looking for cock today (we found a card at Potters that said "Jen and Jan usually spent their Sundays looking for cock" and it's the nice old 50's picture of two women out sailing around with binoculars... looking for cock, I suppose... he thought it was the funniest thing and made me buy it). And he has not called nor emailed. And he didn't check his Plenty of Fish inbox since Friday morning... that's a bit of a test - during the last conversation that he "doesn't remember" he said that we should both take off our profile and only see each other but I ain't doing nothing at this point.

Fuck. Anyways, I am wasted and I am tired even though I got up at 10am and then napped from 1-3pm. Perhaps all this pot is not the best every single day for hours and hours. It's no fun again. And I had better not be putting weight back on because there is a man in my life again. Old habits, Beverly. Old habits. Don't push too hard. I like being nice to him. I don't care what happens, it's way better to just be nice to people. This is what I always wanted. This is my peace. What the fuck, dude.



*** Oh, I forgot to mention: when we were in the middle of the conversation that ensued after "let's talk about how much you like me" he said that I was putting a wall up. How funny is that?

No call...

... big shock.

I'm back

Okay, the calm, logical side of me is back. I lost it. I really did. I slept all day and when I wasn't sleeping, I was crying. It was horrible, horrible. I can't believe how many days I went through that before. I never talked about it - not when I was going through it. A few years ago I became okay with telling my family and Stacey and maybe Julie (did I tell Julie? I have no idea. I must have. It was 2004.) Anyway, that's the first time anyone got to witness it first hand. Except Ian, I guess. This is where I run. Right now. I have no idea what is going on with Lyle but I am going to try my very very hardest to not run. I will go through this, I have to.

Like Debra said, he's probably a drunk or total ass... I'll find some other reason to break up with him. (I love my sister!) But, seriously, this shit needs to slow way down, but quick. I dread talking to him again. I dread seeing him on Friday. I honestly don't know if I can get over this. I guess I could if he handles it properly. But what's that? Best possible scenario? He says I really like you, too, but I need to go slow. And I will tell him that I never want him to call me when he is drunk again. Three blackouts in two weeks? Suspicious. Very.

Basket Case

You know, throughout all of this soul searching and finding myself crap, I don't think that I ever really realized how much of a basket case I am. I'm a mess. All of that "remember when" and "isn't it funny how I used to..." and "back in the old days". What a pile of stinky stuff. Those days aren't gone. I am in purgatory because I can't handle the new shit but I can't go back to the old shit either (even food is no longer a comfort). Today, I am visiting my own little slice of hell.

I don't think there is anything wrong with being alone. I have been perfectly happy during the past while. I have done a lot of work on myself and I have worked hard at relearning old lessons gone bad. But I think those lessons might have been etched deeper than I realized. I don't think I can get away from them. I think I believe them too strongly and I am not ready to let them go.

I am so pissed off with myself for writing that fucking email. I was writing to make him feel better because he was acting so insecure and I wanted to reassure him and it fucking bit me on the ass - hard. I don't need this. I don't. I'm half ready to scrape that fucking butterfly tattoo off my fucking wrist because it's a big joke. How silly am I? How stupid to think that I could get over this stuff. It's in there too deep. I want to be by myself. I have learned to accept friends into my life, I have learned to accept love from them and give love to them. Isn't that enough?

I don't want this. I don't want to feel like this anymore. It's been a long time since I felt the need to stay under the covers in my darkened bedroom but that's all I seem to be able to handle today. I am supposed to go out with Stacey tonight but I am pretty sure that's not going to happen. I was hatching a plan to go to Debra's for the weekend - she and Andrew are going to Renfrew for the weekend to bring the cats. I don't know how to get past this without hiding. I don't think I can. It's too much too soon. It needs to stop right now so I can get back on track. And perhaps be alone for the rest of my life. That's not so bad, is it? People do it. I have a lot of friends. I can stock up on batteries and just be with me.

You might think that I'm joking around right now.

I'm not.

Horoscope

Scorpio
October 23 - November 21
Don't worry about not being on the right path, dear Scorpio, because you are. You seem to be always in the right place at the right time and there is no need to feel regret or shame about things that have happened in the past. Turn negative experiences into lessons for a better future. Even though you may not be able to change a certain situation, you can at least change your reaction to the situation.





But I'm still an idiot. And I'm not going to run away, I am... really pissed off that I am doubting myself right now.

WHY?????????

MOTHERFUCKER doesn't even remember talking to me last night. He doesn't remember asking me to move to Newfoundland with him. He doesn't remember going on and on about how much he liked me. He doesn't remember telling me about how his mom wants him to sell the house (maybe he's broke). He doesn't remember being upset with me for putting my profile back on the website. Fuck. I can't do this. This is usually the part where I end it but instead he's getting love notes? I have to end it. And yes, I do see the irony in that godamnit!!! I can't go through this shit every day! It will kill me! I can't I don't want to. Make it stop. I want to be fat and single. I'm an idiot. This needs to stop right now! But I know, of course, that it won't stop, it's part of me now but I am moving on to the next guy and slow the fuck down motherfucker. But why did it have to happen with him? I liked him.

I don't anymore.

Anyway, this was his reply... like I give two shits about what he has to say.

"ummm, i don't know what to say at this time i am at a lost for words, this caught me totally off gaurd, but in a really good way right now i don't know what to say, but definetly we can talk about this on friday face to face okay!!! your making me blush,and overwhellmed with happiness, i like you too,but i still feel bad about how i acted last night, and talked to you, trust me i don't get like that often, and i am sorry i didn't get back to you when i should have...forgive me????If you read this tonight , have a great night and i will talk to you tommorrow, sleep tight :
from feeling overwhellmed!!!!!!!"

Boys are stupid, throw rocks at them!

This is the email that I just sent to Lyle. We were talking earlier and he was all drunk and acting a little demanding and a little insecure and I like him. I like him and I want to see where we can take this. This is what I wrote:

"Hi Lyle:

I am writing to you here because I don't have your email address but I want to say something to you. I don't know what is going on with you or what you are feeling after that phone call tonight but, before you say anything, I want you to know a few things.

I really like you Lyle. I don't know how much that is being communicated to you - I have received feedback that I act aloof and uncaring in the beginning of a relationship - but I do like you. I worry that I will scare you off if I go too fast and then I stress that I pull back too far. I hate this part of getting to know each other. I am a very confident person but dating makes me feel 15 years old again.

I have to be honest - and maybe this is too forward and maybe this is too fast and my mother would bust a hernia if she knew I was saying this to you but what the heck - if I were to compare you to a list of the traits that I am looking for in someone, you hit them all... and some of them I just threw on the list for fun! It's actually unnerving how comfortable I feel with you already, I trust you and I feel accepted and protected. I want to be with you all of the time because I want to know you. I don't know how often you click with someone right away but this is a rare event for me. At any other time in my life, if anyone possessed as many of the qualities that I am looking for as you have, I would have ran for the hills siting the old saying "if it seems too good to be true, it probably is".

But right now, where I am in my life and where I hope to be going, I accept all of the fear and frustration and doubt that comes with dating, because I'm finally ready for some "too good to be true" in my life. How about you? Do you think you might want to have a little faith in each other and see where we can take this? Let's just get to know each other and see what happens, okay?

I miss you - I haven't seen you since Saturday! Are you going to try to avoid me again tomorrow?

xxx"

I also believe...

So, you know what's really funny? And this is hilarious but has nothing to do with this post... I can never remember Lyle's name. Just for a split second, not all the time but often, the wrong name pops into my head... Niall, Fabian, Ian, Karl... all of them... weird... I think it's because he is a little bit of all of them. But maybe that does have something to do with my post... I guess we'll see. (**Dad just called and asked how Kyle was!**)

I haven't heard from Lyle today. We spent an extremely wonderful day together on Friday, he stayed over and left yesterday morning. We haven't spoken since and, you know what? I am absolutely totally cool with that. He is busy, I'm sure, but I think he needed to step back a bit. And when he does call, I am going to tell him that I want him to spend exactly how much time with me as he wants to. No more, no less.

I don't know if he's the one for me. I don't know if he is someone who can support me to lead this life that I feel I need to lead. (Why do I sound so greater-than-thou?? I don't mean to.) I mean, things are looking good with Lyle (like super good!!!) and I am extremely hopeful but I don't know yet... we are just getting started. So, if I don't know if he's the one for me then I'm sure he doesn't know if I'm the one for him. Things seem a little bit too good to be true, to be honest. But it's not "I don't know" in a bad way, in a doubting way, only in that I have to see what happens.

I'm on the fence and I will see how things play out and trust that whatever happens is how things should play out (I frikin' love this fence, dude!) And so, for the rest of his life (unless I say otherwise because I'm allowed to change my mind, too), I want him to spend exactly as much time with me as he wants to. Perhaps a day, perhaps 60 years. And this also holds for everyone that I know. I believe, I am confident in my path even though I don't know what it is yet.

Oh brother, where art thou?

I have decided that I will write a letter to Tom about the things that I want to tell him. I think a letter will deliver the information in a format that he can look at, think about, look at again, look at again and at least consider the possibility of the things I have to say. I want to tell him some of the things that I have learned and let him look for his own lessons in there. Hey, maybe I'm totally wrong about some of this stuff. But maybe I'm right. And maybe he can find peace, too. I shall compose the letter here because this is where I seem to express myself the best.

Here goes:

My brother,

Do you remember that poem that was framed on the living room wall when we were kids? It was called "Children Learn What They Live". I read it often and always thought that it was a very interesting concept; I have been testing and confirming the theories for most of my life. During the soul searching and personal growth that I have gone through during the past months, I turned it around on me and and looked at it backwards: this is how I am, where did I learn it? A lot of my introspection came from comparisons of the four of us kids so I guess I want to tell you what I figured out because we grew up in the same house with the same rules and, therefore, probably learned a lot of the same behaviors. And, I have to tell you, my brother, un-learning some of those behaviors has improved my life tremendously.

I am writing you a letter because I express myself much better on paper than in person. Also, so you can read what I have to say, think for a few days, then reread this and even just consider the possibility. We can talk about it if you want or not talk about it if you're not interested... it's all cool brother! I love you and I want to tell you some of the things that have made me deep down bone happy... just in case it can improve your happiness, too - take from it what you will.

Children Learn What They Live
By Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D.


If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

I don't know if I told you about some of the conversations that I had with Mom when she was here the past few times. To be continued...

Where's the other shoe? When does it fall?

Yep. Silly, silly girl.

This is an excerpt from an email to Debra (who totally loves me, by the way... not that I ever doubted her!)

"And then CLICK! I realized what has been going on... I had continued my drama and insecurity and running away from strife from the old days even though I don't actually have those issues anymore since I started the Wellbutrin. I guess another way I could say it is that I no longer feel like I can't cope with the world... but I was still acting like i did... I continued the extreme behaviors but no longer had the extreme feelings. And that's why I was so messed up with Ian!!!

...and look how that turned out. I am not going to throw away something like that again... especially the possibility of even better... this guy wants kids (already has one), he has a job, he has a life plan!

I sat down and thought about all of the super sweet stuff that he had done and I just couldn't get away from the fact that he was everything that I have been looking for. Everything. (That just seems suspicious to me!) A couple of little quirks of course (he doesn't let his dog upstairs because he hates the fur on everything! I practically bought a wardrobe of stretchy pants so that I had a fresh pair every day with Daisy!) but no deal breaker in sight. Seriously, everything that I have been looking for is in this man - that can't be possible. A couple of them I threw on the list for fun, for shit's sake!!! He probably beats women. Boozer. Sluts around with nasty ho's!! Crap, I can't believe how messed up I was!!! Automatically look for the bad. And I never imagined that I would learn think this way and be this way and live this way! I honestly did not feel that it was possible to feel this deep down peace... this is freedom! It's messed up, dude, it's messed up! But I decided to see him again and have good thoughts and see what happens.

To make a long story short (tee hee!), he just left! I like him. I really do. And that's kinda exciting - and beyond scary but I'm gonna check out the excited side for a change... the running is getting old!"

And just to let you know, Lyle is spelled L-Y-L-E

I had sex with Lyle last night. And this morning. I know right? Who the fuck is Lyle? He is flvgy70.

flvgy70 : LOOKING FOR THAT ONE LADY!!!!!

Wow!!!where do I start??? I don't think this box is big enough to talk about me!!!(just kidding). Well, I am a hard working, organized,romantic,clean,down to earth, honest,funny,understanding and caring guy. I work hard, but also like to spend time with family, friends,my dog, and my son(part-time).I always try to remain positive no matter what life throws my way!!!! I realize that it all starts with coffee/drink and we then go from there. I'm not in any kind of rush,but I do want that spark and everything that goes with it along the way!!!If any of this catches your interest,feel free to send a message, and I can tell you more!!! Thanks for checking out my profile!!! cheers!

He's not bad, right? It's like he read my profile and made himself out to be exactly what I am looking for. (God, it's weird noticing this stuff and just not being sure if I have really good instincts, able to sniff out the bad ones quicker than anyone ever or if I have been seriously fucked up for a long long time. Let's watch the two sides of my personality duel it out!) How sad is that? I say he "made himself out to be" like it's some kind of conspiracy. Like he read my profile and then said oh, yeah, I like her, I am going to totally fake my profile to sucker her but good. But not that I really like her, more that I want to fuck her up. (I don't know which side is going to win but it's going to be a good fight!) Seriously. My god. How sadly sad. I would cry for anyone that felt that way about themselves and I am crying for me right now. Because my next thought was "you know what really bugs me about him? How nice he is to me." (Where have I heard that before?)

He keeps his dog in the garage but he does treat her very well. (Keisha. Can you believe that? That is only the second time that I have ever heard that name for a dog. The first was Ian's.) And he's got this really weird thing about hair - like he won't let Keisha upstairs because of her fur getting all over the place and he keeps his head, chest and balls shaved... so he's obviously a lunatic. When I went to bed last night I liked him and when I woke up this morning all I wanted in the whole world was to leave... I needed to go home and when I got home I wanted to get stoned stoned stoned and sleep. (Sound familiar?) We had sex twice last night and again this morning. And he's got a fucking big dick. I had trouble sitting all day! (Since when has that been on the 'con' side of the list???) And that's all I got so far.

On the other hand? (Even generating this list in my head is pissing me off!) Remember how I said that I liked him when I went to sleep last night? Well, that was after he fucked me but good and showered with me and gave me a t-shirt and put me to bed after we watched the movie that he had already seen but I hadn't so he made me get it and he bought Strongbow because that's what I drank on our first date on Friday and he bought supper and said that he had to go to the bathroom after we ate but he actually went up to the waitress and ordered this apple crumble thing that I had mentioned. He is kind and considerate and generous and cuddly and romantic and sexual and attentive and he has a house on a quiet street and a dog, a large breed, he's got a good job but he wants to further himself, he has a son that he dotes on (when he sees him... still a ? on that), he loves his parents, he watches Family Guy and Trailer Park Boys, he's got an suv, he's bigger than I am (his t-shirt fit me like a dress!), he thinks I'm sexy, he laughs at my jokes, and last night he put his hand on the part of my body that I hate the most and said "I like this". Fuck fuck fuck!!! Holy christ, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??????????????? (Holy christ, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???????????????)

He called me today and left a message saying good luck with my tattoo tomorrow, he was on his way out to dinner with a friend - and he said "just to let you know, for your new heart tattoo? Lyle is spelled L-Y-L-E". (That was a joke, right??) Last night when he couldn't figure out something on his tv, he didn't flinch when I picked up the remote and fixed it. And when the dvd wasn't working, I took it out of the machine and cleaned it and it started working and not a smart ass remark to be found. He was actually quite complimentary. And we were lying on the couch and I was comfortable with him putting his arm around me (I always hated someone touching my belly). He is being upfront and straight forward about his affection for me, he asks do I like this, do I like that. He holds the door and paid for dinner but was cool in asking if I would leave the tip because he didn't have any change.

That mother fucker. He found my fucking list! Where's the camera? Am I being Punked? Is he trying to con me? I better keep my back against the wall.

I'm a fuckin' idiot. I shake my head at me. Okay, okay, I'll give him another chance. Sheesh. But it might be that I just have really, really good instincts!

You too

Yeah? Well, you know what? I'm gonna keep putting my Horoscopes up when I want to, so fuck you! (The really funny thing about that is I'm talking to myself.) It blows me away. I don't know what blows me away more: that I read and somewhat believe my horoscope for the first time or that I allow myself to read and somewhat believe my horoscope for the first time.


Scorpio
October 23 - November 21
You may be experiencing a transformation in your thinking, which is bound to affect pretty much every aspect of your life, dear Scorpio. By always questioning and processing, you are working through difficult issues that require constant reshuffling of viewpoints. Feel free to open yourself up to new ways of thinking while dismissing the old ways that no longer serve you. Now is a terrific time to consider a fresh wave of thought. You will find that you become exposed to a whole new way of truth.

What I Believe

Do you want to know what I believe? My vision of the deep down meaning of life? What I think is going to happen in the future (and hope will happen in the future)? This is the stuff that I will tell my children. And anyone else who will listen, probably! But, no, I will do my best to live it and teach it but I don't want to preach it. This is my purpose. This is why I am special. That sounds so weird on the outside of my head. But this is what I believe.

I believe that good things are yet to come. I believe that we are all here for a reason and that life isn't random; however, I don't believe in "God" as we know it - sorry, I know I am supposed to say "Him" but I am talking about a concept, not a being. God (or who/whatever we worship) is not a physical being and never has been. Jesus - and I do believe that Jesus existed but we'll get into that later - was the "son of God". Okay, so let's look at god as a concept.

Say that all of my self discovery - my existential plight, if you will - has developed an inner peace that is so tremendous that I cannot even find words that could describe it. Say that other people throughout time have also had these realizations or epiphanies (fuckin' Moses coming to them in the burning bush or whatever - who remembers that shit? I don't really do details.) and those people could find a way to describe it. And they wanted to let everyone know about it. And then it is conceivable that many of the religions in the world started with this exact thing, the existential plight of another. So, since the beginning of time (and let's remember that time did not begin 2009 years ago, that is only how time has been measured since the life of Jesus) since the absolute beginning of time - consistent with the degree of advancement of human kind, of course - all religions or belief systems or gods or sticks or whatever anyone has worshiped as the meaning of life, the destination, the reason we exist all started exactly where I am.

Wait. As I repeat that in my head I realize that it is not translating correctly. I do not in any way think of what I have gone through and what I have learned as the beginning of some kind of religion. I do not do not, in any way, shape or form, compare myself with God or (what the hell is another person/thing that is worshiped in another religion? Fuck. I really should have paid attention in school.) anyone/thing else. I do not compare myself with Jesus. And I truly, absolutely believe that Jesus existed. I believe that he lived a basically normal life - other than the fact that he was a big hero because his mother made up some story about not doing his father and people fell for it, ha, virgin, my aunt fanny! - and that at some point he had this same kind of epiphany (I will use that term for now but it has been so much more) and told people about it - of course, him being a hero made it all seem more true and his teachings caught on.

At some point in his life, Jesus went through a metamorphosis that made him discover or learn or realize the meaning of life. And he taught it to people the best way he knew how - he lived it. He talked about it and tried to help people learn to be good. He was Jesus and he taught people how and why they should live their life to the fulfillment of our destiny/reason for living. The same thing - consistent with the degree of advancement of human kind, of course - the same exact type of thing happened an infinite number of times throughout history (this is how we have evolved as people and this is how we will continue to evolve).

So, again, I don't compare myself to Jesus or the prophets or preachers or even to David Koresh but, I guess to a degree, I do. But I do not wish to live like them (I guess it's kind of in keeping with my theory of not being paid for something that I want to do as a volunteer because it then becomes a job... we should explore that theory a little deeper some other time!). I wish to live like Mr. Braun, my ex-boyfriend's father who, in the latter years of his life, believed in God and practiced his faith... it's rare that someone would live so faithfully and not preach it. (Isn't that amazing, the impact that man had on my life? How cool is that?) So the epiphany or belief system that I will teach (and I'm sure it will change and evolve and get smaller and get bigger throughout my life) but, right at this moment, this exact moment in time, this is what I believe:

I believe that we do all have a purpose. I believe that we are all here for a reason and I do believe in some form of heaven, but we will not die to get there. I believe in life. I believe that every person in every life makes an impact on others and those people make an impact on other people who then make an impact on other people, to varying degrees, of course. One concept of this - same concept as a religion - has been "pay it forward". As far as I know right now, this is the closest thing to my theory; not what I believe will happen in the end, but rather how we will get there. Pay it forward has long since been an idea of doing a good turn. In church we would shake the hand of the person next to us. Pay it forward is more a concept of, when someone does a good deed for you, instead of repaying the person who did the good deed, you would do a good deed for someone else, who would do for someone else and so on and so on. And I believe this will happen, it will take a while to circle the planet obviously but we're talking long term goals here.

I believe - and let's remember that I'm thinking in thousands of years - that we will pay it forward to utopia. I believe that, if I do good things for others and live the best life that I can live and share my belief system (I'm not interested in being Gandi or something), I will teach others to do the same. I am starting a pay it forward in life. This fire in me that I have been trying to smother for so long is good, and I will share it with others. It's good to be a hard worker, it's good to be nice to others, it's good to do more and experience more and be the best person that you can be, whatever that is for you. It's good to have children that can continue to improve the next generation who will have children in the next generation. Because, as more and more people are able to do that, more and more people will find their utopia, until everyone finds it. And then we will live in heaven - before death, not instead of death.

I think that might be why I believe in reincarnation but not the evil kind. I believe that souls are recycled and improved until they get it right and that is how we will get heaven. Heaven will be on earth and we will try and try and try until we get it right. And everyone will be happy, no matter what they look like or where they come from or what size of house or penis or bank account they have. There would have to still be drama though, huh? Just to keep it interesting. The bad drama and the good drama, too, though, more good drama! Love and loss. We will continue to evolve and improve and advance in every way - physically, mentally, technologically, spiritually, every way.

I would compare it to a video game. There are levels and stages and you go as far as you can and then the characters die and you start again and you get better. As you advance through the levels you learn directions and new ways to do things, thus more levels, thus more directions and new ways! And, in my estimation, the best way to play a video game is to poke around and do as much as you can in each level. You get more points and those points help you continue on and, this is how I want to live my life, getting the points is the best part... that's where the fun is... that's why it's important that we do it as good as we can.

Exactly where all this is going, I cannot be so presumptuous as to even think I could have an accurate guess. I can see each level that exists in my lifetime, if you consider a generation is a level, but after that, the next stage, is a whole other game. I think most people feel that the points are money and, to a degree, they are probably right but only in that, in the final stage (that could possibly be infinite), there will be no such thing as poor or ugly or stupid. There will be no such thing.

Let's consider that for a moment. The lessons that I learned as a child were quite good - every one is equal. I took that as everyone is the same but that is not accurate. The only way that everyone is the same is that everyone is different. Everyone gets to think different, and look different, we have different lives, different experiences, we learn different lessons and we take different things from the lessons that we have in common. And of that different, all of that will evolve. And eventually there will be heaven. On earth. Fuck, that is far too deep. Also fucking awesome. Also what I will teach my children, what I will work for and what I will live. The concept of an eventual utopia for everyone. Yeah.

Can I quit?

As happens with the gushing of love unrequited, the aftermath of somber moments stretches on and on.

Hmmm, that was kinda poetic! So, can I quit him, too? Like smoking and the chocolate and chips? Just take it off the table. Make the answer no, not maybe, not someday, just no. Can I do that? Does it work the same? I don't mean go all boo hooing and saying shit like "I have to let you go" crap; just do it. And I don't mean never talking to him or seeing him but just accepting the fact that it's over and not running toward temptation at record speeds. Drop in for 2 minutes, not hop on the couch and start cuddling with my beautiful Daisy-duke. She's not mine anymore, he's not mine anymore. I guess it just takes time and patience... but I'm doing it and I'm getting it right. I am. I know it.

A visit from my evil twin

I went to Ian's. Just got back. I know, I'm a little too happy about it!!! I like being too happy about stuff... it's awesome! As I was walking down there I was thinking, yes, I know Mom is right and I know that I need to get over him but I also know that I am getting over him. I am not pining over him. I think about him less and less. But sometimes. Just sometimes. I cheat a little tiny bit. It's my chocolate. A bi-weekly indulgence into what could have been.

She's there. He says that she isn't moving in but she's there. She does his cleaning and she mows his lawn. She sucks on his penis and she pets his dog. That's mine! All of it is mine and I hate her for taking it! I hate her! Fucking skinny, fucking bitch with the ready-made family that I can't offer him. He has reclaimed his Mr. Mom life and it looks good on him. I wish he loved me. I do. I do. I wish I wish I wish. I don't think I have ever allowed myself to say that before - before I found the walls, I mean. It makes me cry but mostly it makes me happy. I can love. I can. I believe. I finally believe. And I want him back.

I was giggling to myself that I am now blatantly pursuing a man who is in another relationship. I don't care. I want him and I have to try. How could I forgive myself if I didn't try? And, again, I know that, as I continue to get closer to other men I will get further away from him. And I can accept that if that's what needs to happen. I know things will turn out right in the long run but right now I feel that I have to follow my instincts - that is why things turn out in the long run, isn't it?

I love him. I just love being around him. He's so fucking funny. I was talking to my dad today and thinking how sad it is that Dad now reminds me of Ian instead of the other way around. I think my dad has potential to be like Ian other than in humor, too. I think that my dad is the same kind of soft hearted, gentle person but he never learned that it was okay. When he brought me to the emergency room after my motorcycle accident when I was 16, he turned away when tears came to his eyes because he didn't want me to see. How fucking sad is that? He pushed me away when I needed him the most because he thought that it was worse for me to see him cry than to pull away from a hug when I cried; sad that I read it as rejection, proof.

That's what Ian does for me. Ian holds me... okay, past tense. Poop. Ian held me when I cried. His problem was that I wasn't able to let him because my dad taught me that it was better to reject him. It is wrong to show emotion. We aren't allowed to do that. Ian reached out his hand to help me and I pushed him away because my mom taught me, not only that I could do anything, but also that I had to do everything.

Oh sigh. I wonder if any cute boy has sent me an email since I've been gone. (See? It's working... just as I knew it would, just as I know it will. Evil twin be gone!! I rock!)

Horoscope

Scorpio
October 23 - November 21
Some enlightening conversations could take place today with a partner, dear Scorpio, possibly romantic, possibly career-related. New methods of operation could come to your attention, possibly involving modern technology that could speed up the process and increase your income. However, bear in mind that some of what you're hearing about may not be feasible for a while, and other ideas may never be practicable. Remember to remain objective and check out all the facts.

I think I might be a life coach!! How crazy would that be??????????

Mamma Mia

Mother fucker... I know now why that phrase found it's place in the world. Is there anyone more difficult to deal with? Once my absolute hero and friend; now my greatest tormentor. She knows just what to say to hurt me, she can cut me off at the knees and, during this trip, I pointed it out to her, every single time. Probably not the nicest thing to do but... how do you say 'too fucking bad' in french? Why? I thought that word a million times while she was here. Why does she treat me this way?

Now, before I get into this, I want you to understand that I truly love my mother. She was a great inspiration to me when I was growing up and I really did idolize her. She has opened her home and changed the lives of so many people I have lost count. She is a good person and she gets involved. The problem is, I guess, that she doesn't stop bitching and complaining about it. She's got a major 'poor me' syndrome. It's sad, actually; I don't remember her being like that when I was younger - then again, maybe that's how she guilt-ed me into being her devoted servant (my endearing nickname was Cinderella). A lot of the bad stuff about me came from her but a lot of the good stuff did, too. (odd... it just came to me how it must be for her to lose her biggest fan. Rough. I never really thought of that before.) She raised me in her image; a Patsy 2.0, if you will. However, she didn't see this little bump in the road, this absolute belief in all of the things she said, good and bad - and that it would eventually come back to bite her on the ass.

Luckily she said good things. She told me that everyone was equal, she took me to church and taught me to believe in a love that was greater than even hers, she was a go-getter, a person people looked up to, and I wanted nothing more than to be her. Unfortunately, although I realize that she had to have learned this part of her personality, too, she was mean. Not in the traditional way of being mean, though. She didn't scream, she didn't fight; she was aloof, detached, uninterested and difficult to please. She doesn't believe in showing emotion, she views it as weak (sound familiar?). She taught me that everyone was equal, even God thought so, and yet she was quick to point out the flaws in everyone, including, and especially, me.

We were all sitting here talking the other night, all us girls in the family. Every time someone told a memory about me as a child, Mom said "really? I don't remember that at all". She doesn't remember any of it. Because she wasn't there; she did not see me. And, before I go any further, obviously that kind of thing isn't enough to even talk about in itself, but there is more.

On Saturday night we had a chick party, including karaoke. We were up dancing around, singing, being silly. Debra was hilarious, definitely 'on'; I was pretty funny, too, if I do say so myself! But to me, and to me only, she did that fucking tsk tsk tsk thing that she does. (there is a very entertaining entry about the subject in January 2006... but I'm not that far into my transposing yet so you have to wait!) Tsk tsk tsk, now Bev. What? Now Bev what? No more having fun? No more showing emotion, even if it's pleasure? Did I seem like I was having such a good time that she needed to pull me back? Why was it was okay for Debra to have a good time but not me? I even pointed out that she singled me out because she doesn't believe that she does it. In front of everyone, I cried fowl. Exactly, right there, this is what I'm talking about. I don't get why she does it or when it's coming so I can't even avoid it. No matter what I do and no matter what I did I got tsk tsk tsk, shake shake shake. She cuts me off at the knees; I'm having fun so she feels that she must intervene and make it stop. Why?

So, earlier that day, we dropped off a case of beer for Ian because he didn't charge for looking at the computer that Debra was giving to mom. And she was there, the other woman. lol. It got me down a bit. I have been quite open with my loved ones about my lingering feelings for Ian and I have also been quite proud of letting myself have the feelings and for having them out loud. Anyway, while we were watching the movie, Stacey and I were joking around and addressing the actors as your boyfriend or my boyfriend. I really love my boyfriend, James Marsden. And at some point I jokingly replied to something that someone said about Ian and sarcastically addressed him as my boyfriend, Ian. And then I laughed. She looked at me, all disgusted, and said "oh, get over it". Shortly after, old habits die hard and all, I went into my room because I got a bit teary... it was hard to watch a sappy chick movie while all I can think about is seeing another woman in my kitchen and know that she was spending time with my man and playing with my dog in a way that I no longer can, and to top it all off, my mother was sitting next to me telling me to stop having these feelings. Mom comes in and starts saying stuff like I needed to get over it, oh crap I don't remember, she just was telling me that my reaction to my upset was wrong, that it was wrong to be upset at all, stuff it down, it will go away, just stuff. Here, have a fucking cookie.

I feel the need to point out that I'm not saying that this was abuse, I'm not saying that it was any worse than anyone else's childhood and I recognize and absolutely give thanks for what I have and what I had; I'm saying that this is how a part of my personality that I do not like was formed and I am learning from it so that I can learn a better way. Cathy said that her memories of being a kid and watching mom bake was sitting up to the counter on a stool and how it was such a special bonding time. My memories of watching mom were 'if you want to help then stay out of the way'. Once she was baking a batch of cookies and they looked so good and she told me that I wasn't allowed to have one but if I lost 20 pounds she would bake me a batch all for myself (I was about 7 or 8). On lazy afternoons when I was a kid, my dad and I would be downstairs and he would put on some music and I would dance, believing that I was a beautiful ballerina, as is every girl's dream. One day, after an especially amazing dancing session when I knew that I had been gifted with an obvious natural talent, I ran upstairs to my mom and asked her if I could take ballet lessons. She said "you are too fat, none of the boys will be able to lift you". She said, no, you are too fat and none of the boys will be able to lift you. Can you even believe that a mother would say such a mean thing to her child? We were talking once a couple of years ago and, when I told her that story, she laughed and thought it was a funny thing to say. Yeah, that's how I felt, too. What a funny, funny thing to say to your chubby daughter.

Oh, please, Mother, tell me another of your wonderful 'when I was your age' stories, tell me again how you were always out of town, always at a party, never home in the day, evening, weekend. Oh, what an amazing life she had! I remember that, too. I was at home - raising her child, doing the laundry and the dishes and the cooking. I had to come home directly after school every day to babysit, when I was old enough to get a job like my sister and brother did, I was not allowed because she wanted me to be available at all times in case she needed a babysitter. When Debra was sick, she took me out of school to watch her. Did I ever tell you that I started babysitting at the age of 9? It was okay because I was very mature, she says. The next time you see a 9 year old, imagine leaving her alone in your home with your infant child... how is it possible that any 9 year old is that mature? Maybe it did work out for the best though, I was already half trained when Debra came into the world. But I'm not bitter. lol. She went on and on the other day about how she believes that it's so much more important to be with a child during their teen years than it is to be with them as toddlers. That is when they need the most guidance. What about me? Is she saying that she realizes the mistakes that she made? I honestly don't know, but I doubt it.

Last night I showed her and Cathy my personals profile. She said "you put a picture of you and Debra there? Everyone will want to date her instead." She does not hurt me anymore with these comments but she sure can surprise me with them. Was that an absolutely necessary thing to say to your daughter who is obviously dealing with the rejection of a man that she loves but is trying to pull herself up and find a better life? Mother fucker!!!!!!!!!! Told ya. The inspiration. However, this time I turned to her and asked her why she was so mean, if she was trying to hurt my feelings or perhaps I had done something to her so terrible that she felt that she had to say things like that. Well, apparently, I must have some low self esteem if a simple joke like that hurt my feelings. I wonder why, Mom. I wonder why. A little later she was saying to Cathy something that she thought I would get so upset about - something that would not upset me in the very tiny least - and I turned to her and said "you don't know me at all". And she doesn't. And that, if nothing else, gives me peace.

Another and

What if my purpose in Ian's life was to get him and Lynda back together??????

Free By Faith Hill Lyrics

I had it tough when I was just a little kid
It didn't matter what I thought
It didn't matter what I did
I felt the doubt for what I lacked right from the start
It did a number on my head but it could never touch my heart
'Cause I had just enough imagination
Just enough to keep the faith
That somehow I would think of what to do
When I'd get lost in a momentary weakness of emotion
All the Angels came around to help me through

Life pulls fast changes
Wind blows past pages
All I see is I don't need this
High strung tightrope walk
Ticking time bomb clock
Scratch my name off
Cut these chains

Chorus:
I'm free...Kicking out of that prison
I am free...Singing those words of wisdom
Let it be...Nobody's gonna put the blues inside of me

And in the stress to be the best I've done it all
I've slammed the doors I've jammed the locks
I've laid the bricks, I've built the walls
No one could tell me back then why joy eluded me
Kept bumping into that misery
Locked up deep down inside of me

Took that rage and I
Turned that page and I
Packed my tools, went back to school
And I passed my graduation, and I hold my Ph.D.
In crash test blues I paid those dues

(Chorus)

Time flies by in photographs and paper scraps and songs
Here I stand in ruby slippers, three times takes me home

(Chorus)