You know, throughout all of this soul searching and finding myself crap, I don't think that I ever really realized how much of a basket case I am. I'm a mess. All of that "remember when" and "isn't it funny how I used to..." and "back in the old days". What a pile of stinky stuff. Those days aren't gone. I am in purgatory because I can't handle the new shit but I can't go back to the old shit either (even food is no longer a comfort). Today, I am visiting my own little slice of hell.
I don't think there is anything wrong with being alone. I have been perfectly happy during the past while. I have done a lot of work on myself and I have worked hard at relearning old lessons gone bad. But I think those lessons might have been etched deeper than I realized. I don't think I can get away from them. I think I believe them too strongly and I am not ready to let them go.
I am so pissed off with myself for writing that fucking email. I was writing to make him feel better because he was acting so insecure and I wanted to reassure him and it fucking bit me on the ass - hard. I don't need this. I don't. I'm half ready to scrape that fucking butterfly tattoo off my fucking wrist because it's a big joke. How silly am I? How stupid to think that I could get over this stuff. It's in there too deep. I want to be by myself. I have learned to accept friends into my life, I have learned to accept love from them and give love to them. Isn't that enough?
I don't want this. I don't want to feel like this anymore. It's been a long time since I felt the need to stay under the covers in my darkened bedroom but that's all I seem to be able to handle today. I am supposed to go out with Stacey tonight but I am pretty sure that's not going to happen. I was hatching a plan to go to Debra's for the weekend - she and Andrew are going to Renfrew for the weekend to bring the cats. I don't know how to get past this without hiding. I don't think I can. It's too much too soon. It needs to stop right now so I can get back on track. And perhaps be alone for the rest of my life. That's not so bad, is it? People do it. I have a lot of friends. I can stock up on batteries and just be with me.
You might think that I'm joking around right now.
I'm not.
