It's as if I am stuck. Stuck in the steps back. I have gained 4 pounds. I eat and I cry. I watch movies and I check my email to see if someone has approved of me yet. I could walk to the store. I could clean my pad. I could scrub my ceramic tiles. I could go walk some dogs. I could make some money. I could figure out my life. I could fix myself some lunch. But I will sit here and eat fudge.
It's familiar. Yes, I have hated being here my whole life but you must also realize that this is where I have been my whole life. This is what I know. This is where I am comfortable... all cozy in my own little private torture chamber. But I think it's almost time...
It's time to just be. Stop looking for answers, stop looking for more questions and just be. I can be this. If I want to. I can be here eating and smoking pot and crying to my laptop. If I want to. I can be anything that I want. Anyone. Anyhow. I choose. Anything. I am the one making these decisions; the big and the small.
Who I want to be doesn't have to be perfect. Who I want to be has strengths and weaknesses. Who I want to be knows that it's okay to be alone sometimes but it doesn't have to be all the time. Who I want to be is active. Who I want to be is fun. Who I want to be has a life. Who I want to be goes out and does things. Who I want to be doesn't just sit here and cry about it.
Who I want to be is beautiful. Who I want to be messes up sometimes but it's no big deal. Who I want to be realizes that it's okay if it is a big deal sometimes. Who I want to be is healthy and loves herself and her family. Who I want to be I will be some day. I just have to be.
