Is it sabotage?

The thought came to me a few minutes ago that I am pretty much sabotaging my relationship with Ian. I haven't determined whether or not I want to change that but I definately am creating problems that aren't totally there... making a mountain out of a mole hill, if you will.

This realization in part stemmed from this "PersonalityDNA" test that I just did. It gives you the level of your personality traits and here's what mine said:

Confidence 78%
Openness 6%
Extroversion 94%
Empathy 4%
Trust in others 56%
Agency (belief that you control your life and not some higher power) 88%
Masculinity 66%
Femininity 6%
Spontaneity 48%
Attention to style 58%
Authoritarianism 88%
Earthy/Imaginative 100% earthy
Aesthetic/Functional 94% Aesthetic


Openness 6%! And Empathy only 4%? That can't be good! It's not because I don't care, I guess it's because I don't trust that I won't get hurt so I'm not letting anyone in to get the chance. And I know that I have this problem... it's hard to explain but when I try to reach out to someone or ask for help (especially men for some reason... or perhaps it's when I am emotionally invested in the outcome), I half ask and then push them away when they don't answer in the manner that I want... most likely they don't know what I am saying but I only realize that after the shut-down. The other night, for example, Ian and I had a reasonably good afternoon with his mother and, when I kissed him goodnight I made a comment that he didn't come "tuck me in" anymore. Then I got this barage of crap about how I'm always jumping on everything he says and I'm not very nice to him, blah, blah (wow, if they included sensitivity, I would have gotten about .5%). And I waited for him to come in for an hour... and he didn't come in. I did not kiss him goodbye the next morning and I did not kiss him goodbye this morning and, while I did kiss him last night, I had to talk myself into it because I did not want to. In a way it looks like I am punishing him but I think it's more that I am not opening up to him anymore.

So, what does all this mean? I have no idea. Does it mean that I'm supposed to back off and put it all out there again? I don't want to have my heart trampled. Do I trust that he won't do that? Not really. And not because I think he is bad and would willingly hurt me but, when I put myself out there for someone, they had better be up to the task and I'm not really sure that he is anymore. I'm not confident that he is or that anyone else ever will be. He said that he would be there for me, he said that when I had my bad days he would give me my space and not give me any grief about it. I don't think that the amount of guilt that he gives me is "no grief". And I don't know if I want to pull in my horns and go it alone again or if I want to put myself out there for further possible damage. Yeah, so they say that it could turn out better but I'm not really a believer in that. Or maybe just not enough of a gambler that I am willing to take that chance. Or maybe I'm just using all of this as an excuse to validate the fact that I want to be on my own again.

And, if I'm going to be bluntly honest (because this is for me to read and no one else), I'm getting bothered by all kinds of other things now... the house is a dump, his teeth are yellow, he's so small and I'm so big it looks funny, I don't like the way that he blames everything that happens to him on something/someone else (which is pretty much the reverse of me), I don't like that he doesn't have a job, he gets sweaty and smelly when he sleeps, his hair is puffy, he has no bum, he is way too dependant on pot and beer, he's silly and weird... now I'm just grasping at straws, though.

I don't want to ask permission to see my friends; I don't want to be told what to eat, when to eat, how to eat; I don't want to have to consider someone else's feelings when I speak or when I want to be by myself for a while; I don't want to deal with someone else's moods and needs and problems. God, I am such a bitch... it really is all about me isn't it? And not necessarily in a good way. My low, low empathy score.

What a messed up girl I still am! I really had no idea! I honestly thought that I dealt with the depression and all of that other stuff was due to that problem and the whole world would be wonderful now. Wasn't my excuse for holding people at arms length all about my view of myself? And that has changed tremendously since the pills but I guess some things remain. After all of those years conditioning myself, I guess I have some more work to do in letting go. Or maybe I'm not messed up - maybe I'm inconsiderate and selfish and I only think of me, me, me.

But I still mainly just want to leave the situation and pretend that it never happened, there is nothing wrong with me... it's the rest of the world that's so fucked up! And the more I write the more I think that it's me that's fucked up - just not in the way I always thought. I don't think that it's because I'm afraid that I will get hurt... it's more like I'm afraid that I will hurt him because I don't know if I want to be with him anymore. Him. Not anyone. Him. And I might be using this little upset as a valid reason to walk away.

Email to Brenda

This is an email that I sent to my friend, Brenda, yesterday when she made the error of asking me how things were going! Poor Brenda - we have been out of touch for two years and I lay all this on her. Anyway...


Hi Brenda!

Blech! I'm having a poopy day... poopy month. Be careful what you ask... I have a feeling this is going to be a long email!! But I would love to have your opinion... you've always been such a good ear/shoulder!

I've been at odds with the main squeeze for a bit now and I'm trying to figure out what to do with my life. I met and dated Ian years ago... a couple of weeks after I left Karl in 2001, actually. We dated very casually for about 7 months and I stopped seeing him when I met the newfie, Fabian. You heard about the ups and downs of the whole Fabian saga over the years... we finally had a "shit or get off the pot" conversation last March and I decided that it was time to get off the pot - my feelings for him hadn't changed but I finally realized that nothing else was going to change, either, and we just wanted different things (i.e. he-sex, me-love).

Ian called in June last year and we went out to lunch and quickly started dating again. First, I should point out that I am quite different now inside (that's a longer story than anyone has time to read but maybe some day over a couple of beers!!), I am more confident in who I am and what I want, I like myself in a way that I never have before and, for the last year or two of living alone, I was happier than I have been since I was a little kid. And I really saw Ian differently this time than I had when we first met. I always thought that he was nice and funny but this time he kind of swept me off my feet and did all kinds of the things that I had always wanted a man to do: cooking for me, actually listening to the things that I said, going out of his way to do things for me. He also started saying the "L" word within about a month... which freaked me out a little but was flattering at the same time.

So, by mid-August he was badgering me to move in with him. I was there most of the time anyway so I kind of half moved in and stayed there every night but kept my own place, too (even though I rarely went there). Within about a month or so I was so frustrated with how things were going that I moved back to my place. It was too much, too soon and there was a lot of pressure to conform to his life and I really felt that I was losing mine. In addition to that, I had just finished redecorating my condo when we started dating and was absolutely IN LOVE with the place; his place was a house that a single man had lived in for 14 years or so, if you know what I mean (read:dump!). So, I went back to my place and we didn't communicate at all for a week because my dad was visiting and I didn't want to deal with it.

Things got somewhat back to normal after Dad left; I was still living at my place but spending a lot of time at his place. Ian's brother came to help him put down some new flooring in October and promptly took a chainsaw to Ian's couch because it was in such bad shape. So, of course, I decided that - seeing I was totally in love with him and we were going to be together forever anyway (!) - I would move most of my furniture down to his place and rent my place out. And that's what I did.

Fast forward to current times and I still love him (I think) but we are having serious problems and I am considering moving back to my place. I always tend to run when a problem arises (as I did in September) and that's why I am having so much trouble figuring out what to do. We have gotten a long pretty good over these months... however, I feel the need to point out that we have been stoned almost every evening and all weekends over these months. Godamn awesome BC greens! Good at the time but they cause me to have some serious mood swings. In May I decided that it was time for me to stop smoking it so much and get my shit back together. He continued to smoke it and eventually I got back into it... only on the weekends at first, and that turned into most every evening again. So here I am again, totally off the stuff and not getting back on it because I hate the waste that it turns my life into.

He still smokes it... and I find him irritating as hell all the time now. I get pissed off with him pretty much on a daily basis and the mood swings have caused me to be quite difficult to live with. Again, I will back track a bit here to tell you that I told him that I could be difficult to live with long before I ever moved in; I can be moody without the pot, too (except I am better able to control what I put out there when I am sober, of course). He was confident that he could deal with that and he was really good in the beginning by giving me my space and backing off when I needed him to. Now he just gives me guilt about it. Now he punishes me by either badgering the hell out of me when I don't want to do something that he wants to do or by ignoring me or withholding goodnight kisses and stupid stuff like that.

I also told him before I moved in that my personal time was extremely important to me and, during all of those years that I was alone and basically single (because Fabian and I were apart much more than we were together) I put a lot of work into developing a social life. [My very best friend, Stacey, is single and we spend a lot of time together - in 2005-2006 we went to a million concerts and plays and short trips and anything else that we could find to do (I even went bungee jumping if you can believe that!!) and I didn't want to give that up.] I get a guilt trip every time I want to spend time with my friends and when Stacey and I try to include him, he says that I ignore him and jump on everything he says (which is most likely right). I also get crap when I am on my computer in the evenings and not out in the living room with him or if I do my Sudoku puzzles instead of watching tv- even though I am next to him on the couch - or if I go out for supper or, god-forbid, I might want to go see a movie by myself (which is one of my absolute favorite things to do). My sister, Debra, moved to Victoria last June and I hardly get to see her because he never wants to go over there. I have been over a few times and she has been over here a few but we really haven't been able to spend time together as we had planned to do. She will be leaving BC in less than a year and I feel that I have hardly been able to see her - and she is my favorite person in the world. We had such big plans!

I will also mention that Ian doesn't work. He has diabetes and had a kidney transplant a couple of months before we started seeing each other last year. He is on disability but able to go back to work and periodically looks for a job but gets frustrated with it quite easily. He also has taken to getting stoned by noon every day and staying that way until he goes to bed; most nights he has a few beers, too. I go to bed at 10pm, he goes to bed after midnight; I get up by 6 or 7am, he gets up by noon. He's bored and lonely being by himself all day and maybe that's why I feel bad when I leave him alone. But I now I feel bad about it - and I feel pissed off. I feel like we barely even speak and, when we do, I get irritated with him very quickly. I hardly want to go home anymore. I keep fantisizing about my condo and how nice it was and how much I loved living alone. I lie awake in the night going over the good and the bad, the whys and the why nots and I don't know what to do. And I'm frustrated about that.

Oh, crap, Brenda. I hate this. Boys truely suck! Life is so much easier alone. Maybe I am spoiled by always being able to do what I want and when I want. I am a control freak after all and I lose my mind when someone tries to control me, even if it is only by making me feel guilty for something that I should have no reason to feel guilty about. And I know I am getting more and more difficult to live with because of that. It's causing a vicious circle and I am spinning. It's 6pm here now and, even though the office closes at 4:30, I don't want to leave work. I don't want to deal with it anymore, I just want to pack up and sneak out in the middle of the night. Like I said, I tend to run.

But of course I have to talk to him about this. I don't know if I am more afraid of ending the relationship or of letting him convince me to stay. I wanted to leave Karl for 4 of our 5 years together and I won't do that again... I just don't have that kind of time to spare now! So, dear Ann Landers, help! Actually, just writing this out makes it pretty clear what I want to do. I just don't want to hurt him. And I love him and I love our dog and his family and now I am bawling my face off which makes me think that maybe I don't want to leave. Argh!! I miss being alone but part of me wonders if I am glorifying that as well. Gee... do I sound confused to you? Now are you sorry that you asked how it's going? Never expected this book in reply, did you?

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. I will figure it out or it will work itself out in time. Now I guess I should go home. Sigh.

Love ya xxx

Things are getting worse

Well, things seem to have gotten worse instead of better over the weekend. Not in my brain but in my home. Ian and I are barely speaking and I am trying to figure out what I want to do next... do I fight for us or do I leave? My tenants haven't paid their rent yet this month so it's a perfect opportunity to reclaim my space. If only I could make a decision.

I feel like I did when I was with Karl in a way... and I have no intention of waiting for five years before I move on. But Karl was such an ass and Ian is not. Well, maybe he is, just in a different way. He's sofa-king irritating sometimes. Such a child! But I knew that when I moved in. Another interesting thing that keeps popping into my head is that I have been stoned for most of our relationship... and that really seems like the only time I like him anymore. Yes, he's a good person for the most part, I love our dog, I like his family, I kinda love our home but is it enough?

Do I want to spend my life feeling like I have to explain every time I have a bad day? And did I have this many bad days before? I don't think so but pot and not Ian is to blame for that (I think!). Do I want to always feel guilty for being on my computer or going out with my friends or working late or just wanting to be alone? Do I want to hear him bitch about how I'm wasting food when he buys things that I just don't want to eat? Do I want to live in the dump of a house with it's stupid striped wall? Do I want to be with a guy who smokes pot and drinks beer all day long? I don't want to get in the car with him when he's high... I don't like his driving at the best of times. And sure we have fun. Yes, I love the guy... but everytime that enters my mind "I think" follows fast.

And if I do leave, what do I take? Do I leave everything with him and start over again? I gave so much stuff away! I could look at it as a redecorating opportunity but that's gonna cost so much money! But it could be so much fun!!! And when I picture myself back in my place, I wonder if I will be devistated? Will I regret leaving? Because once I go there is no turning back. When I left Karl there were so many exciting doors opening for me... so much to do. Would it be going backward? And why can't I be alone? Why is it such a bad thing? I just have no time for all of this crap.

I don't know how I got to this point so fast. Wasn't I just gushing over him last week (when I was stoned!)? We have been having problems for a couple of months on and off but I think now it's reached the point where we have to either get it together or walk away. And it is my nature to walk away. I know (think!) he will fight me on it but nothing will change. I told him, warned him, in the beginning. He either didn't believe me or thought that he could handle it. I don't think that he can handle it - I doubt that anyone can. He has become like any/every one else and just hates me because of the moods. I'm not saying that I blame him - I would never put up with it either - but he told me that he would understand, that he would give me space, that he would let me work it out the way I need to and that he would be there when I was ready. It doesn't happen that way.

What do I want? I want it both... I'm selfish enough to admit that I want to have him when I want him and to not have him when I don't want him. And I'm selfless enough to know that I should let him go.

Hold on or let go?

Fuck I hate this. I hate being this fucking mental person who looks so damn ordinary on the outsite. Bev, you're so funny. I think at least three people said this to me today. Bev, always smiling, always happy. Bev, the ray of sunshine.

I was standing in the bathroom this morning, crying my eyes out while I was brushing my teeth and trying to figure out how the hell I could make it through another day... and I started thinking that I could make it look like an accident. All of these years I have been on this planet because I would never hurt someone so much as to think that they could have helped me and just didn't do enough... because that is obviously not the case. No one can save me... maybe not even me. So if it was an accident, sure they would miss me and sure they would cry but it wouldn't ruin anyone's life. And what would it matter, anyway? I've touched people's lives, I've made a difference but I don't have kids, I don't have family that doesn't have other family... I could just be someone people once knew.

But, of course, I won't. I will sit here and suffer. I wish I could stop this hurt. God, if only something were wrong! But nothing is wrong. My life is exactly how I always wanted it to be. That is so sad.

How did I get here again? Why can't I make it stop? Seriously... what the fuck do I have to do? I don't want to know anymore. Knowing hurts so much more than not knowing. I used to have something/someone to blame it on... and now it's only me. I think that I don't like knowing also because now I know that I can't get away from it. I can't move and everything will be wonderful. I can't get a new job/boyfriend/girlfriend/car/life... it follows me where ever I go - and I can't FUCKING make it stop.

I don't want anyone else to know anymore, either. I hate talking about it so matter-of-fact now. They nod as if they understand... I know they try, I know they care, I know they love me but it doesn't help. It doesn't stop it. At this moment I can only see one way of making it stop and that will never happen. So I have to struggle through. But I'm really starting to not want to. I'm hopeless and I don't know where to turn.

And so I'm this bitch. I'm driving Ian crazy, I know. Nothing he does is good enough. I swing and I swing and he either gets the fun me or the cold shoulder or a smart ass remark and I'm sure that, moment to moment, he has no idea what is coming next. It struck me the other day that living with him makes this real. When I was alone I could have my little fit or burst into tears and no one knew, no one got hurt, no one had any idea how much of a freak I am. And if no one knows that means it didn't happen. And if it didn't happen then I wasn't a mental case... just funny Bev.

When I was alone I didn't have anyone to answer to, either, and, good or bad as it might be to say this, it was easier to be alone. If I needed to sit and be a zombie, I just did. I once bawled my face off on my closet floor for hours and hours and it didn't matter because no one knew. If I needed to be alone, I was alone. If I needed to be near someone I called a friend or went to a movie. I was in total control; I didn't have to share my feelings, I didn't have to worry about hurting someone else's feelings, I didn't have to get even more upset when I was trying to share my feelings and couldn't communicate it in a way that was understood. I didn't have to worry about anything but me and making it through the day.

Now I work too much and he's lonely, I'm on the computer and he's jealous, I don't feel like eating and he's frustrated, I eat too much and he's preaching, I don't want to go for a walk and he's pissed off, I want to be alone and he's hurt. And he's such a great guy, such a good person... it just makes it worse because now I have the tears and self-hatred and the struggle to cope with the simplest thing and I get a good dose of guilt mixed in.

So what do I do? Who can help me? I honestly don't think that talking to a professional will make any difference. Yeah, I need to eat better and get more exercise. Stop the fucking pot obviously. But I really can't remember... did I swing back and forth so much when I was on my own? Is that the answer? Ah... boo fuckin' hoo. Christ. JUST STOP ALREADY. Please, just stop.

I don't want this anymore. I don't want to go home. I don't want to work. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to think about it. I don't want anything anymore except to make it stop.

I can't wait to figure out what's wrong with me...

"I can't wait to figure out what's wrong with me
so I can say this is the way I used to be."
- John Mayer

Why?

Seriously... can someone explain this to me already??????????????

The Conversation

I had this great idea to photoshop a pic with Sheena and David Bowie to put on a t-shirt for her birthday... but that program is harsh and I couldn't figure it out so I asked for help. He says don't worry about it, I will do it for you and then he said that I should call him to discuss... I deleted the email and hotmail dropped it but this is the conversation that followed...

Me: Thanks a lot... I appreciate your help because I am really excited about this gift but it's much harder than I thought it would be! You made it look so damn easy! So, Sheena is a crazy David Bowie fan and I thought that it would be neat to put her in a pic with him and put it on a t-shirt (I already talked to the people at Dog's Ear and it's surprisingly easy... once you have the pic!). I scanned a picture of Sheena hanging on to a guy like a fool and then I went online and found a David Bowie pic that I think will fit good. I just want David's head where the other guy's head is. What do you think? Simple? Impossible? Somewhere in between??

He: I'll do your idea and try a cpl of my own,what size were you thinking?My pc is running a cleaning utility right now so I will have to wait till it is finished but I'll do it.

Me: I don't know about the size... it will be going on the front of a t-shirt... 5x7 I guess because it's in the landscape layout... the Dog's Ear chick said to just print it onto a piece of paper and they could transfer it onto the shirt... they will crop it, too, if neccessary. How are you liking your new place? All settled in yet?

He: I did a quick one for you.....a few mistakes still in it but will work on it
tomorow after work.

He: A phone call would have been easier! I am loving my own space,should have done it a long time ago.i do miss kirk,chewy and the kids but I get out to langley every week so its an adjustment.I am really liking the 10 mion walk to work....who knew? So I will ask....how are things with you? You moved? Married yet?

Me: OMG... that's awesome! It looks so good! She's gonna flip!!!
Yes, a phone call would have been easier... but I don't think Ian would appreciate walking in and hearing me giggling on the phone with you... he knows our history and he knows how I feel about you. I want to keep in touch with you but I would never want to make him doubt me. I'm glad you are liking your own place... you said you were moving to Burnaby... are you working from the depot there now? We moved in last fall... not married but I expect it will probably happen at some point. Who knows what life has in store? I could get hit by a bus tomorrow! :-)

He: Enough said!I do wish all the best for you Bev.
P.S you won't get hit by a bus......as long as you have started paying attention
to the road!....just kidding.

And that's it! Is he going to finish the pic? Was he going to do it because he thought that I would blow him off or something? And now he's not because he knows that's not going to happen? Should I call him? Do I want to call him? Do I fucking care? Arg!

EPILOGUE: I called him last night... first time we spoke in more than a year. I was weird but oddly comfortable. He said that he will finish the pic... no email yet today but I guess I should be patient.

EPI-EPILOGUE: Yep, still nothing. Whatever. I used the messed up one and got exactly the reaction that I wanted - she loved it. I sent him an email and said thanks, it was a success. This is what he sent back...

He: Your welcome Bev,and I have to say it was nice to be able to chat with you
again.Say thanks to Ian for being decent about it,its nice of him.There arent a
lot of people that I get to have a decent gab with.

And that's why I have a new he. Mofo.

Muther father!

Mother fucker mother fucker mother fucker is what I really want to say. Godamnit! Is this never going to end? I'm sitting here and I just don't want to do any work. I blamed it on Facebook for the last couple of weeks/months but I don't want to look at Facebook anymore, either. I'm still teetering... on the edge... I think that I have control of it but whatthefuck? Rationally, I know that the pills keep me from jumping off the edge... that whole Claritan thing showed me life without them again. But I'm not doing anything for myself this way. But that's all I want to do... I want to sit on the couch and smoke dope and eat crap then I want to go to bed and get up and do it again. Is this what I'm looking for in my life? I'm hating the mirror again, I'm fat fat fat (seems as long as I don't go past my heaviest I think that it's okay to keep eating like I do), I don't want to work, I don't want to go out, I don't want to walk. I have a bad case of the Idontwannas and it's time for it to stop. Tomorrow. Maybe next Monday. Mother fucker.

Ah, my good friend... blahg!

I'm back and I'm me again. I had a serious crash... down for a couple of days. I was right... I was right. Stupid Claritan... won't interact, my aunt fanny! Well it did so I stopped taking them and I feel like me again. And that's sooooo nice. All in all, I think that was probably a good experience... it's good to go back to where you came from to realize where you are. I can't believe that I lived like that for all of those years.

My Horoscope - April 27, 2007

Scorpio
October 23 - November 21
You always suspected that your job was making you crazy, but it never occurred to you that it could make you sick as well. Is it really worth it, dear Scorpio? This is the question you may be asking yourself today. You are fortunate to have talents that apply to several professions. Why not take a closer look at what those other professions are? One way or another, it is clear that change is coming. You may as well direct the manner in which it occurs.

Is it possible to love two people at the same time?

Is it possible to love two people at the same time? I heard this question the other day. I rolled my eyes and said ah – YES! It was his birthday the other day and I sent him an online card. Two hours later I got an email from him “It really means a lot to me to hear from you blah blah blah”.

What is it with men, anyway? I don’t think I will ever get it. Rog says you are truly one of my favorite people on the planet. Then why did you get married to someone else while you were fucking me? Fucking me – ha… in more ways than one, I guess. They are all the same… so full of shit. I’m always the one – so special, the one that got away, more like the one that sat there oh so available that they had no problem looking past.

I guess it’s funny that I am finally getting this attitude. After all my years of “it’s okay if you can’t love me” crap. No, it’s not okay. I mean it’s okay for you, go ahead and do what you gotta do but I’m not the girl that will be here for you to wipe your feet on when you need it. Or wipe your dick on, I probably should say. But that’s mostly my fault. I was so fucked up, so fucked up with all of them. Is it a coincidence that I found such a great guy just after I get my shit together? I think not.

Mental

Okay... I'm back in the land of the living. Slight mental breakdown for the past couple of days. I could see it coming, though, couldn't I? Maybe I'm getting better at this. Unfortunately, not so much better that I can stop the little fuckers. Ian doesn't agree - because it would ruin his favorite pastime - but I think the pot is a bad thing with these meds. I haven't done it since Sunday but it was coming long before that. I feel better today than I have in so so long. I have to say, though... having Ian there made so much difference. I was bawling my face off and trying to work myself up to calling Joe to let him know that I wouldn't be in and I couldn't... I just couldn't... I couldn't speak... I was wrecked... so I went in and woke Ian and he was so sweet, so considerate, so gentle, so caring, so understanding. I have never been able to let anyone see me in that state. I am sofa-king lucky... it knocks me off my feet.

The Future

Ian's divorce was finalized on Saturday. He says that, as far as he's concerned, he's been divorced since January 7th, 1997. But it is a big deal for me. So we had "the talk" about the future. It was more like me saying that I don't want to talk about it... and him making a smart ass remark like "does this mean I have to marry you now?" All I could get out - I HATE talking about this kind of stuff, I know we have a future, why do I have to be such a girl sometimes? - I said "we've just never talked about our future." He said that we will be together when our pubes turn grey and fall out. Isn't that romantic???

Control Freak!

It's official! The quiz wouldn't lie, baby!

You Are 80% Control Freak

You are a pretty major control freak, though you may not know it. While your confidence is inspiring, your bossy ways tend to scare people off.

Are You A Control Freak?

Understanding Depression -- What Are the Symptoms?

And it’s not like I want to blame everything on this condition… well, I guess I do want to blame the parts of my personality that I don’t like on it. But it’s more than that.

Understanding Depression -- What Are the Symptoms?

For major depression, you may experience five or more of the following for at least a two-week period:
· Persistent sadness, pessimism.
· Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness or hopelessness.
· Loss of interest or pleasure in usual activities, including sex.
· Difficulty concentrating and complaints of poor memory.
· Insomnia or oversleeping.
· Weight gain or loss.
· Fatigue, lack of energy.
· Anxiety, agitation, irritability.
· Thoughts of suicide or death.
· Slow speech; slow movements.
· Headache, stomachache and digestive problems.

Of the 11 symptoms here (from the WebMD site), I currently have at least five. Prior to medication, I had all of them at one time or another. I remember when I first started taking the drugs; my life was pure hell due to the extreme ups and downs and the learning curve. I went back to the doctor to increase my meds. When I was still having problems and my doctor wanted me to start even more medication, I decided to try exercising and eating right as a supplement instead of more pills. And it worked. I was there. Was that temporary? Is the way I am feeling right now more consistent with who I am? I don’t think so.

I think, and I know I’ve said this before, I have to take better care of the stuff that I can control. I need to exercise and eat better. It’s the only way. The drugs are keeping me off the closet floor but that’s not enough. I expect more from myself, from my life. I don’t want to struggle like this for the rest of my life. I don’t want to let my work pile up around me while I try to find a way to cope with the simplest basic things. For a long time now I have been recognizing the depression only when I am uncontrollably crying but that’s not the only problem. I realize that this is something that is with me to a certain degree no matter what I do but I’m the only one who can control it. And I am a control freak so control it I will!

Outburst

Here is an email that I just sent to Ian to explain my little freak-out... I feel better now.

"Sorry I got bitchy... I was getting a little worried because you weren't answering anything. The BIGGEST fear in my life is that something might happen to you. I know I'm silly and I know that if it does I will just have to live with it but it's on my mind a lot. My little "balance of life" theory tells me that all of these wonderful things in my life can't last forever so I'm kind of waiting for everything to fall apart again. So sometimes I might sound like a bitch but it's usually out of love and concern... and sometimes I'm just being a bitch. Your job as the man is to try and figure out which is which. Good luck to you, my friend!! There... I said it out loud... well in writing... I'm a big baby... laugh away at the silly girl. And now I'm crying at work... I'm a freak... a silly freak!! Stop laughing!!!!! xxx"

Argh!!

Motherfucker! All of a sudden I feel like ripping someone's head off... for absolutely no reason at all. It's like I just snapped! Maybe I am manic... maybe I should re-evaluate the whole depression thing. But most likely not... I get cranky but I'm more of a hiding in the closet kind of person than freaking out and screaming my head off. And yet... I didn't believe the whole depression thing at first either. Maybe it's time to look deeper.

The hardest part about all of this is figuring out what's me and what's the depression. Maybe it's time for me to accept that I am both at the same time. But if I get pissed off quickly like this for no reason... am I just having a bad day? And when is it a bad day and not the other? I am skittish and unfocused and I don't want to work and I don't want to eat and I don't want to talk to anyone. Am I really just a bitch? Deep deep down? I feel that I am more and more. I hear myself talking to Ian sometimes and I feel like slapping myself! This is so frustrating.

What else is new baby?

Chubby Chuberston

I can not believe that I didn't link my recent weight re-gain to defecting from my gym. That doesn't make sense. Okay, I linked it to not going to the gym but only indirectly. A + B = C

In the prime of my health, 2005, I used to go to the gym every weekday at 5am. Then home, shower, work. Then work got busy and I started going to the office at 5am instead. Fast forward two years later... I have gained about 20 lbs. I was talking to Stacey earlier today and I was saying that I couldn't pin-point how/when/why I gained all of this weight back... maybe when I started seeing Ian but, no, that was last June and I was already well on my way then. Maybe when Fabian and I decided to finally end it but, no, I'm pretty sure I was off track then, too. So maybe it all started when I quit smoking in the summer of 2005 but, no, that was when I was in my prime. Holy shit! I stopped going to the gym in the morning and all that weight snuck up on me again. And then I just started inviting it in.

So, what does that revelation mean? I was thinking that I would start going to the gym again but I did pay for a membership for a full year without actually showing up. And we have all of this equipment at home. Why don't I start going for walks/jogs/do something here and then, when I get in the habit, we'll see. I have to do something. I'm sick of being so lazy. I'm sick of being so fat. I'm sick of being embarrased. I'm sick of it all. It's time. The sun is shining... the birds are chirping... it's time for me to get back in the game!

Love/Hate List

You know, there's a lot of things that I like about my life right now. Unfortunately, some of the things that I love about my life right now are also the things that I hate about my life right now. [okay, hate is a pretty strong word... let's take it all in context, shall we?]

The Love/Hate List

• sparkin' up a doobie at 10:00 on a Sunday morning
• eating whatever I want, whenever I want
• taking my dog for walks
• memories of he
• navy blue walls... with pink blinds???
• the similarities between me and Ian
• the differences between me and Ian

To My Wonderful Nephew, Brandon

March 11, 2007

To my wonderful nephew, Brandon!

Here is a poem that I wrote when I was 16…

I feel the loneliness
Building inside me
Turning
Crashing down
I can’t find a way out

I feel I should
construct a wall
to hide me
from the world
and take away this pain

I feel like crying
But the tears
won’t spill out
the anger and confusion
out weigh the sorrow

I feel I could let go
And scream
Until my throat hurts
As much as my heart does
At this moment

I feel like hating
Everything and everyone
I don’t know why
It’s all building up
I can’t take the weight off my shoulders

I feel like hiding
From my upset
I don’t want to face it
Not now
Not ever

Why did I think
Life would be easy?


Sheena told me that you are posting on the fiction press website. I often go on the site to read her stories and this morning I read your poems. I hope you aren’t mad at her; she didn’t tell me anything other than the name that you are using but I guess she was worried about you and she thought that I could help. I wanted to share my poem with you in the hope that it would show you that you are not alone and I understand the things that you are feeling.

I know that you are aware of our family’s little curse called depression. A couple of years ago I mentioned to your mother that I thought I was seeing signs of it in you and I believe that you both have discussed it but I want to tell you a bit about my experience.

I want to share some things with you that are very personal and I am going to trust that you will keep much of this confidential. I talk about this with my family and with maybe four of my closest friends that I know will love me no matter what. It’s not that I am embarrassed about my depression but some people look at you differently when they know. Sometimes people knowing is a good thing… like with Ian because he can see that sometimes I need to be alone and sometimes I need a hug. I don’t discuss this with Sheena because she lives with Joe, who is my boss, and I don’t want him to know. I guess I don’t tell most people because I want them to see me and not this depression. And sometimes it’s frustrating to deal with the people that don’t “get it”. I don’t feel that I need people to understand but I do need the people around me to accept it and not turn it against me. It takes a while but eventually you figure out who those people are. Feel free to tell anyone around you about the things that I am going to tell you, I just ask that you not discuss it with the people out here.

For most of my life I had no idea that there was something wrong with me. I thought that I was going through the same teenage angst that my friends were going through. I had days that I felt good about myself but, for the most part, I thought that I was pretty useless and ugly and fat and worthless. Sometimes I doubted these bad feelings but most of the time I felt this was a fact, I was crap… I just wasn’t worthy of people caring about me. But the really funny part was that I thought all of these bad things about myself but I didn’t want anyone else to figure it out. It was almost as if I told them how I felt about myself that they would go “you know, you’re right - you are crap” and not like me anymore.

I have always been quite guarded with my feelings. On the bad days I couldn’t talk about it and on the good days I didn’t want to. I smiled and kept up my “life of the party” image. I didn’t act out much as a teenager because I didn’t want to stand out, I just wanted to blend in with everyone else so no one would know. I didn’t really get close to people either; you can’t really let people in if you are afraid of what they will find. When I had a crush on some guy, I liked them until they liked me... then I didn’t like them anymore because I thought something had to be wrong with them if they liked me. Some people might think that’s pretty twisted but that was how my brain worked. I know now that not talking about this stuff was my biggest mistake. I had no reason to doubt these bad things that I felt because no one could ever say that it wasn’t true. I felt so strongly that I was right that I never gave anyone the opportunity to tell me that I was wrong.

Not knowing where the feelings were coming from, I always found a reason for them… I was too fat, what ever boy that I was currently crushing on didn’t love me back, I didn’t have enough money, I felt sick, I hated school or my job or whatever. There were a million excuses and I spent a life time trying to fix what was causing the hurt… I changed jobs, changed boyfriends, changed homes, over and over and over… until I realized that it had to be me. But depression? I saw the commercials on tv, I read the articles in magazines… they said that if you lost interest in the things that you used to enjoy that you should talk to someone. That didn’t apply to me. I was like this my whole life.

In October of 2003 I was thrown from a horse and hit my head. My doctor prescribed pain killers but I didn’t take them. I think it was about three weeks later that I accepted the fact that I was saving them up so that I could take them all at once. That was one of the hardest days of my life because that was the day that I realized that I needed help (and I really, really hate asking for help!). I started taking an antidepressant medication that has changed my life in more ways than I can measure.

But so much much more than medication, the biggest healing came from talking to a therapist. He was the one that figured it all out, actually. One day I was telling him a story and said something about not wanting to get out of bed for a week and he said that wasn’t normal behavior. But how could it not be? I had lived like that for my whole life and I saw other members of my family behave the same way. I thought everyone had times like that but they just didn’t talk about it… like me. So we started digging deeper. I think it was okay to tell him my feelings because he wasn’t my family, he wasn’t my friend… I could handle it if he found out what a waste of a human being that I was. And he helped me accept that I wasn’t a waste, that I was worthy. I learned to love myself and, so much harder, I learned to let people love me… the real me. I am happier than I ever thought possible, happier than I ever thought I deserved.

Now I can look back and know that all of the tears and heartache from my youth did not stem from my worthlessness. My worthlessness was, in fact, a byproduct of my depression. In some ways, the fact that you know that your feelings are caused by depression can be a great benefit to you. But, in other ways, I think it could become a disadvantage. I guess it depends on how you look at it and what you do about it. If you let the feelings of depression become a crutch, you could sit back for your whole life and blame everything bad that ever happens to you on your illness. But that won’t make you happy or fulfilled or give you a feeling of self worth. The happiness and self worth will come from struggling against it. It will come from knowing that you have this hurdle to face and believing that you have the strength within you to overcome.

I know it probably doesn’t feel like you have that strength yet but you can and you will. The easiest thing to do when you start feeling down is to sink into it and let it swallow you. I still have bad days when all I want to do is push everyone away and crawl under the blankets until the bad feelings go away. And sometimes that’s exactly what I do. But that only makes it worse. Your writing will be quite good for you. It’s an outlet to express what is going on inside you and exploring the things that are going on in your mind. And you really are good at it. If you keep it up you will eventually feel more comfortable putting your feelings down on paper. Don’t berate yourself or talk down to yourself. There will be enough people in your life that will try to do that for you. If you believe it, it will only hurt you. Know that you are an amazing person. You have so much to offer the world; don’t ever doubt that.

You have a head start now, Brandon. You are so much further ahead of the game than your mother and I were at your age, and you are worlds ahead of your grandfather. It’s hard but you need to remember that the things that go through your mind when you are down are not coming from you, they are being caused by disruptions in the neurotransmitters in your brain (or whatever the correct medical terminology is!!). This is different than people who suffer from depression that is not caused by genetics. These people get depressed because of events that happen, they have a specific reason to be down; someone they love dies or they lose their job or a million other reasons. Our bad feelings do not always have a specific reason. And sometimes the reason is different than we think it is. I’m not saying that your experiences and upsets aren’t valid, I’m just asking that you try to find a positive way to deal with them.

The answer is never never never (did I say never??) suicide or hurting yourself. Trying to stop the pain in that way offers absolutely no benefit. It doesn’t help you deal with your problems, it doesn’t fix what is wrong. The only thing it could do is devastate the people who love you. Ian’s brother committed suicide when he was a young adult. His family was crushed and his mother will never recover. Suicide is an extremely selfish act. If you feel that you want to hurt yourself, I beg you to reach out to someone. Even if you don’t care about you, you need to care about your mother, care about me and everyone else who loves you; you need to look for help. Honestly, I think that you are a very loving person and you are too considerate of others to try to end your life but sometimes the pain is hard to take and we look for a way out. Promise me that you will look for a different way.

When you are down the best things that you can do for yourself are difficult to deal with when you feel like you can’t deal with anything but they will always, always help… be around people that make you laugh, get exercise, take Holly for a walk, DDR until you can’t take it anymore! Just do something. And it’s HARD, so hard to do, but it will make the bad parts pass much faster. You might want to talk to your mother about medication. Most doctors don’t like to prescribe antidepressants to teens but it might be an option if things get bad and you feel that you can’t cope.

The most important thing that I can tell you is to understand and BELIEVE BELIEVE BELIEVE that the pain will pass. It really will. There is nothing that you will ever go through, good or bad, that will not ease with time. Even if you someday find yourself at the end of your rope, know that you do have the strength to get through it. Ask for help, talk to someone (I’m available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week), hug your dog, lie in bed and pull the covers over your head… do what you need to do to survive and it will pass… I promise. I will always be here for you and you can tell me anything - and anything that you tell me will stay with me and only me. I want you to feel that you can talk to me about these things but, if you don’t want to, I will understand that, too. Just do what you need to do… and be happy… you deserve it!

Brandon, we are connected by blood but I feel more than that with you. I think of you as my nephew and as my friend. I see a lot of myself in you, I see a lot of your mother in you and I feel a bond with you that will never weaken. You are a fantastic person, you are fun to be around, you are handsome, you are smart, you have a good heart and I love you. I love you – UNCONDITIONALLY – no matter what.

From your favorite aunt,
Bev xxx

Our Deepest Fear

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory... that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

- by Marianne Williamson
(religious references have been removed)


I love this poem/quote. It was a fear... I always had to look at the person next to me... and I would never surpass what that person was doing. So afraid of standing out. Now look at me - a leader/boss/mentor/friend. I love this me! Sound egotistical? I'm okay with that. I don't think that I'm a stupid waste of space any more. I used to wonder why bosses (for instance) would say such positive things about me in reviews and what-not. I just figured that they said really nice things about everyone. Now I think that it was because I do good work. I'm smart. I got my shit together. Most of the time. As far as anyone else can see. People look up to me now... maybe they always did and I just couldn't grasp that.

Facebook sucks... up all your time cuz it's awesome!

Can you believe this? It's almost 2pm and I have actually accomplished a bit of work - teeny weeny little bit. Because that damn Facebook is driving me crazy! I love it!! It's probably like the Sims... at first it sucks up all of your time... absolute time vacuum... then it levels out and you are just like a normal person again. Just like one. Kinda. As much as I could ever be.

That's funny. My whole life I would cry and think "I just want to be normal". And now I am normal. I'm still weird, I'm still odd, I'm still fat, I'm still me but now I am normal.

It's hard for me to go back there... in my brain, I mean. Back to that time when I was mental. But I can look back now and know that I was right... I knew there was something wrong with me. I just didn't know what it was. Clinical depression. That's hilarious! Don't you know that I'm the life of the party? When I can get out of bed and go to the party.

I Don't Want to Work

I don't want to work. I don't want to work. I don't want to work. I want to be a stay at home mom but I don't want to have kids. Does my dog count? So sleepy! I think it's Monday again.

Yeah, I know... boo hoo! I actually quite love my job. It's a mish-mash of this and that. I prefer the crazy busy going-out-of-your-mind challenge days but there aren't many of those since I got two extra people to help. Now it's little itty-bitty details. Balance this account, find out why this isn't right, pay this bill. Blech.

It doesn't much help that most of the time I want to string my boss up! He's really a great guy. He's taught me a lot, he's helped me a lot, he's generous and kind... but irritating! Fuckin' micro-manage me, buddy. You'll get a swift kick.

Okay, be nice! Get over it and get to work. It ain't goin anywhere until it gets done so I'm really only procrastinating. But it's one of my special talents! And I do it so well...

My New Journal

I’ve had a journal for most of my life. My first real journal began when I was 15 and my life went haywire and I landed flat on my head. It’s kind of fun/sad to read now because I see that girl who was sooooo so messed up and I still hurt for her. But I wrote to work out the mess in my brain; I wrote to find some reason, some answer to my unhappiness. Sadly, the answers that I found were wrong but it did placate me at the time.

And so I wrote. And I wrote. And I wrote some more. And then I burned it all. How could I not? Most of it was demonic musings of a psycho teenage girl and then worse musings of a woman on the edge of … of… anyway, I could never let someone see the mad ravings! Probably because, if you read what was actually written, you would see: Boo hoo! Why doesn’t (insert name here) want me? If you read between the lines, however, you would see: Help me stop hating myself!

So I periodically threw the books in the fire. People said that I would regret it – and they were right to a degree – but I still wouldn’t want someone to read them after I was gone and think that I was that person. Not many people are able to find meaning beyond the words. But I continued to write because I found it an outlet that I could use to vent about all of the bad, and sometimes good, things that I was living through. Then one day I realized that it was causing more problems than it was solving.

I would sit at home alone and write and cry and drink and write and cry. I would then inevitably go send some stupid drunken email to whatever man was currently ruining my life. And then I would feel good… conflict discovered, conflict deleted. And then morning would come. Oooops! I eventually realized that my journals had turned into a way for me to get worked up. Oh, the tears and the frustration and the absolute blah, blah, blah.

However - and this is the reason that we are all here right now - I miss it. I miss writing. I miss recording my life. It’s nice sometimes to go back and see where you were and how far you’ve come and I’ve lost that. I decided that I would like to write again. But – new problem – I don’t live alone anymore. I don’t think that it would be fair to write down all of these personal thoughts and observations and not expect Ian to be curious enough to take a peek. And I really don’t think that I will be writing anything that I wouldn’t want him to see because he knows me better than anyone ever has but there are things that sneak into my brain every so often that he doesn’t need to know.

So, here I sit… here I write. I have a journal that I can pull out whenever and wherever I want (within reason!!), it’s private and I will feel free to be who I am… whoever that might be at any specific time. Hold on… this is gonna be fun!

A-N-D... I'm back.

Mutherfucker, that was a rough one. It's weird. I'm a mass of waste, there's ups and downs but I feel scatter brained and indecisive and totally blah and then a minute later it's like SNAP. And the world is okay again. I cooked lunch, had a shower, did the dishes, actually smiled into the mirror. I just don't get it.

But it's time to get back on track. I think tomorrow I'll tell Joe the 5am thing isn't working and go back to 7-3 Monday to Friday. And go to the gym before work. Yes, for my sanity so much more than my waist line.

Now comes the part where I have to reply to all the calls that I didn't take, apologize for being me. Used to be that I would feel so guilty about making my friends worry. This time I just figured that's the price they have to pay to have a mentally unstable friend. And I'm sorry but when I go through that, I have to think survival above all else.

And so, it looks like we've come to the monster at the end of this book.

It's me!

Silly, but it's a milestone. I have never completed a journal before. Never ever. I would always start fresh and have a new beginning and think everything will be different this time. But I don't want to start fresh again. I want to continue. Finally I can just continue.

On to bigger and better! Congratulations! Pat pat pat!

I'm going to try to get this out while I'm still going through is. Maybe it will help me understand it better. This time it's almost as bad as before the pills. Which, I think, shows the importance of the addition of exercise. It's also strongly tied to my menstrual cycle now. Was it always? I don't know. But these days I have various degrees of breakdown every fourth Monday, Sunday really. It usually isn't this rough or last this long. I need to find a way to go for a walk today. I can't let this control me again.

It's so debilitating. The tears, the frustration, rage-depending on the circumstances, thoughts of hurting myself, worthlessness, I can't concentrate, have a severe case of the "don't wanna"s. Don't wanna read, don't wanna puzzle, don't wanna watch a movie, nothing on tv, can't work, not going online, can't listen to music, not cooking supper, clothes fall where they fall, showers are an ordeal. Even picking up the phone to call work takes an hour of planning and is a struggle. I avoid all of my friends, turn the ringer off on my phone and the world just has to do without me for a day or two.

I just can't cope with the simplest things. Going to the grocery store last night - I desperately needed cake (they didn't have any). Even this.

That's enough for now.

Maybe I'll try to keep going. I have to make sense of this so I can get it under control again. Although I do feel that diagnosis was the best thing for me, it also made it harder. Before I could blame whatever man that was currently in my life or lack of, work problems, family problems, money problems. Fucked up brain problems is a harder pill to swallow.

And no one understands. Maybe Cathy. Debra to a lesser degree. Mental illness, emotional instability, lovely. Julie and Stacey try to understand but how could they? Stacey will say it was the whole Fabian thing this weekend that caused it but it's actually the opposite. The way I reacted was caused by this, a sure sign but I missed it. And it hasn't been this rough in a long time so I guess it's understandable.

I really fucked up with Julie yesterday. I skipped Jenna's birthday party. I couldn't call. I had to leave work because I couldn't stop crying. She left a message on my voicemail yesterday afternoon and I haven't even listened to it yet. In a while I'll send an "I'm alive but it's rough" email and hopefully she'll forgive me. Again.

The funny, or maybe ironic, thing is that no one really believes me. I don't know if believe is the right word but here's this confident, independent, take control, hardworking, straight forward woman and she's a cowering mass of tears? How's that possible? The life of the party, doesn't she smile 24/7? Someone once said to me "don't you ever not smile?" I almost fell to the floor laughing. If she could see me now.

I'm in hell. Hell. I don't even know if I can manage to get anything else out. How is this still happening after all this time? I'm so fat and ugly. And nothing helps. I want to get drunk and stoned and smoke and eat. But nothing will fix this other than time. And just a little time. A day. But, like every month... if I make it!

Omigod! This is sofa-king frustrating! Is this what life is supposed to be like? Fuck! When does all this crap stop?

I don't even want to write about it. I'm so sick of it. I have no control over what he does and what he feels but don't I have control over what I do and what I feel? I guess I just don't know what to do... there's pros and cons on every side of this. And, yes, if I could figure out what the hell is going on with him it would be easier.

And then the little guy on my shoulder whispered - he told you what's going on. He wants to see other people, he doesn't want a relationship with you. And when his dick gets itchy he figures you for an easy lay. And you always answer his calls, don't you? Up until Friday night you always opened your legs, too. But now he will most likely be gone and never heard from again. Will it do any good to chase him? He knows what he wants and what he doesn't want. And what he doesn't want is you. Yes, he likes you. Yes, he wants to be friends. So what? Does what he wants matter more than what you want? How are you ever possibly going to get over this if you don't cut ties? All ties. Permanently. Just don't answer the fucking phone. Delete the email. He'll get the message. If he ever tries to contact you again.

But you know why I don't cut ties? That fucking hope. Where the hell does that come from? Pessimism might help here. A little blame, for shitsake. Oh, it isn't his fault. Yes, it fucking is. He took advantage of your good nature. He told you himself. He was lonely so he used you. Yeah, but someday he'll come to his senses and fall hopelessly in love with you, right? Fucking chump. You are a fucking chump.

CHRIST - WHY DO I KEEP DOING THIS?

God, I am such a fucking chump! What the hell did he ever do for me? Seriously - what the fuck do I even want him around for?

Who needs him? Who needs any man? They are all idiots! Seriously! Can you think of any redeeming qualities? He makes me laugh - buy a fucking comic book. For sex I have a vibrator. Spring is here so my hay fever will take care of any irritation requirements.

See, the problem is though, that I'm PMSing right now and in a couple of days I'll be all fucking glass is half full fucking door mat again. I need to take control of this right now.

And as I start to write "break ties once and for all" that little fucker on my shoulder says except if he calls or emails today. How do I squash you, you little son of a bitch?
He doesn't want you.
He doesn't want you.
He doesn't want you.
He doesn't want you.
He doesn't want you.
He doesn't what? Yes, want you.

That's it. Let go. Once and for all. Just walk away. And rejoice. And in a few years you will be driving down the road and think "remember that Fabian guy? Wonder what ever happened to him? What an idiot he was!"

Ah freedom, sweet relief.

Omigod. Oops. Mutherfucker. Oops. Vicious circle. De ja vu. Idiot. Sigh.

So, guess who called me yesterday. Come on, I'll give you three guesses. Shit. And he came over. We chatted, me in chair, he on couch. And it was fine. We had supper. Wine. Hours and hours. Then it got dark and I lit some candles and sat on the couch. He rubbed my feet. Fuck. Stupid, stupid. And then he kissed me. Did I want him to? Yes. Did it feel good? Yes. Then I said something like "unless something has changed, this isn't going to happen." And he pulled away. And I started crying. Crying, for fuck's sake! Two goddamned bottles of wine and I'm a blubbering idiot. I told him to leave. When he got home he wrote this:

"I'm an ass. I went over because I was lonely and I thought I could just visit but I was wrong. I almost made it without doing something stupid but I fucked up. I'm glad you laid the law down... at least one of us could. I feel comfortable with you Bev and I sadly took advantage of that. I promise it won't happen again. I'm so sorry."

Oh, I'm not to the good stuff yet. Cuz I emailed him back. Did I ever. Fucking idiot.

"Don't go taking all the blame, pal. I was there last night. I knew what was going on and I pushed it and pushed it and I wanted it. What I really don't want and will never want is to have sex with someone who is having sex with someone else. Bottom line. That is a rule that I have had my whole life and I told you that when we met. When I said "unless something has changed" I meant the fact that you wanted to sleep with other people. And the tears were a product of the wine so don't worry about it.
I really don't get this, Fabian. You feel comfortable with me, you like spending time with me, you obviously are okay having sex with me... so, what's the problem? I never asked you to marry me or move in with me or make a commitment to me or say that you loved me... I just wanted to spend more time with you. That's all. You broke up whatever we were doing back then because you wanted to be able to see other people. Where are they? Are you holding out just in case you find something better?
The most amusing fact of all of this is that we pretty much want the same thing, as far as I can see. I like my life. I like my time alone. I don't want children. I don't want to live with anyone. And I work weird hours so having a social life is virtually impossible. I feel so different from all of my friends that are married and having children. I don't want those things and I really don't know why - I just don't. And I'm mostly okay with being different... but being with you makes me feel less different.
I like spending time with you, Fabe. There's something about you that makes me feel good inside... something clicks into place. I don't understand how that's a bad thing.
I don't know what else to say. But I'm going to lie down now... crap, that wine was vicious!"

And that's that. No reply. I was lying in bed thinking about how I promised myself that I wouldn't chase him anymore. And wondering how he felt when he read my email. Or is he out with someone? Or gone into his cave? And then I laughed a little when I realized that he probably reacted the same way I did to the "we're both horny" email. Probably rolled his eyes and hit delete.

Oh well, whatcha gonna do? Stop checking my email might be a start. A damn good start.

I want to say that, unless he reacts favourably and soon, I'll have to cut off ties with him. But I probably won't. I love the fucker. Fucker.

Why is it that at the end of every movie, when the guy holds the girl and you just know that everything is going to be just fine, why is it that I always cry? I always think: I've never had that. And maybe I'll never have that. I guess I have though, maybe not the way I wanted it, maybe not like in the movies. Will I have it like that? Ever? Someone who will put their arms around me, just because I need it? I hope so. But I honestly fear that I won't.

And I know it isn't everything. I'm not that girl who thought that some man could make everything okay. That girl is gone. It would still be nice to have that, though.

I was just watching this movie and the guy says "do you feel like you chose your life or like your life chose you?" And I chose. I could have stayed in the trailer park in Wabush with Paul. I could have stayed in Mom and Dad's basement in Newfoundland. I could have stayed in my beautiful house with Karl and my beautiful dogs. But something was wrong and I needed to make it right. And I did. I don't think that I ever gave myself enough credit for that. People say how brave to move across the country by yourself. How strong to buy your own home and live alone. How dedicated to work so hard and do so well. And - damnit! - they're right. I keep reminding myself to stop crying for what I don't have, for being different and rejoice who I am. Because this is who I wanted to be. This. Here. Now. This. Me. Stop crying.

What is it that I want to write about?

Him? Haven't the last hundred or so pages been sufficient? When do I get to stop? I'm so done after that last "episode". So done.

Sigh.

It's unfair, you know, how all of those books and movies that I've spent so much time on are misleading. And untrue. And fake. And a sham. Love doesn't happen that way. No one sees you across a crowded room and chases you. No one starts off as an irritant or sparing partner and suddenly becomes the love of your life.

Have I given up? At 34, hanging up my gloves? Oh, I want to. But obviously this pen is making a fool of me. I want it. I want love. I want a relationship. I just doubt that I will find it. I'm different. And it's not because I'm fat and it's not because I've been depressed for so long. I'm just different. Why oh why can I not just go down that same basic path that everyone else seems to be on? Different is lonely. Strength is lonely. Is there anyone out there for me? Anywhere? There must be. How can I find him? Why the fuck do I care, for shit's sake? It's all a joke. Fucking love. My ass. It's heartache and tears and doubt and miscommunication. And faking orgasms and compromise. It's conforming and giving up who you are.

Who needs it? Put in another movie and crack open that tub of ice cream and move on already. Sigh.

Maybe we're just both really horny, he says. Maybe we're just both really horny. I say that I felt bad about the email and there's this deep deep part of me screaming LOVE ME! LOVE ME! Make it all better! And he says maybe we're just both really horny.

And then I whisper thank you and turn off the computer.

Stoopid computer.

Stoopid computer, I said. And it is. Stoopid. The source of our meeting, our first correspondence, the source of tears and nights spent alone. The object of my obsession. And now my friend and confidante. Ha! In a drunken stupor it's more like a sword. In my back. In my heart. Stoopid computer. Please go away. And take him with you.

This is the email that I sent to him on March 19. The subject was "ouch".

"I can't tell you how much you have hurt me. I spent so much time loving you and wanting you. I hope you never get that again. I hope no one ever loves you like I did. I hope I never see you again. Fuck off and be your own warped version of yourself because I really loved you and that's gone now and that's your problem, not mine. I never want to see you again. No matter what I say... I don't want to be your friend. I want nothing from you other than to forget you exist. Goodbye."

Beverly, Beverly, Beverly. One phone call? Almost a week ago? Look at you. Where is the strength? The resolve? You know he's not for you. You know you don't want to be with him. You're happy enough on your own for now. So - what the fuck, girlfriend? Seriously, is there anything he could say that would make you take him back? (yes) Is there anything about him that you actually miss? (yes) WAIT! Let me rephrase that. Is there anything you might miss that's been apparent in the last year or so? (sigh)

It's over. He's gone. He wants to "be friends". He wants to clear his conscience. He wants the girl who giggled at his jokes and moaned at his cock and when he gets his fill he'll be on his way again.

Did he get that assfuck that he was looking for? Is he calling because the three-way is all set up and he needs number 3? And, if not, could you ever trust him now? (yes)

SHUT UP! Repeat after me: Fabe-who? Nope, doesn't ring a bell.

Move on. Don't get sucked in. Things don't change. Things won't change. Let go already.

Because. I. Am. Seriously. Sick. Of. This. Seriously.

And, anyway, why would this even bother me? I know he can't offer what I want and need. I want encouragement and support. I want doors held and toilets fixed. I want comfort and respect and strength. I don't want to wait for someone who can barely spend their time with me. Someone who comes and goes without rhyme or reason or justification. Someone who needs another to complete his sexual needs. Someone who really doesn't want me that much and has told me that they cannot love me.

Who is this naive little girl trying to suppress the fantasies of "what if"? Doesn't she realize yet that "what if" no longer considers him an option, under any circumstance? Silly girl.

Continue your journey, down the path in the opposite direction. There is someone waiting for you. Someone worthy and deserving. Someone who will love you and want you. And only you.

There's nothing left to suck you back in. It's been confronted. And it's gone. And it was never really there to start with. <3

Why did that mutherfucker call me? Doesn't he know how tired I am today? How much I need sleep to be able to face another crazy day? Doesn't he know that I don't want to keep going over and over and over this? Enough. More than enough. Long ago.

As it begins, so does it end. Guilty. Tears sprung to my eyes as I stood for the verdict. She just nodded. I don't feel bad, I don't doubt my decision in the slightest. Maybe it was in compassion for her and all that she will be facing now. Maybe with compassion for all that had happened to her and all that she had done. Because I do not believe in excuses but I do believe in reasons. And she has lead such a horrific life.

During her testimony she said that she was raped for the first time by her friend's father WHEN SHE WAS SEVEN. When I was seven I was chasing around boys and getting in crap for not doing my homework. At eleven, I was still chasing boys (the same boys, oddly enough), she was getting molested by her stepfather and stepbrother. She was living in a car at 13, I was worrying about the prom.

How is it possible that two people could live such extremely different lives?

Tina Marie Mitchell
killed Marjorie Gillan at 5am on September 2, 2004. She drank her booze and did her crack and then she picked up a bat and beat her best friend to death. I hope, I truly hope and maybe need to believe that Marjorie did attack her. I hope that the feared for her life as she struck the first blow. And I hope that she honestly and truly doesn't remember so that she doesn't have to see that scene in her mind, over and over, for the rest of her life. But what she did, and admits to doing, could never be justified. Under any circumstance. And I refuse to believe that I could ever, even in the most extreme circumstance, hurt someone the way she did. I don't think that I will ever forget those pictures. Of the bruises and the bits of brain that you could see through the mass of contusions on her head, of the crack in her skull and the stab wounds on her chest, of the cut across her foot, of the pillow. Oh, that pillow.

It was quite an experience. Seeing how the justice systems works and frustrates. Hearing such intimate details of people that I didn't even know existed. Crying for a woman that had led such a horrifying life that you wonder how she could have survived. And she still fights to survive.

Maybe that was what she needed. I have to believe that from every tragedy, some good must come. Maybe, if this were a movie, she would turn her whole life around. Stay off the drugs, lead a productive life, work to get her son out of foster care and stop the cycle. Stop the cycle.

What could I do, I wonder? Could I help? I really feel that I need to reach out in some way. I have been so blessed. But I've had my share of pain. I am fortunate enough to have friends and family who support me. And a real strength that I always took for granted. The upsetting fact that I am so different from other people is also, in a way, my favourite part of myself. I couldn't have one without the other.

Ah, it really is all about me, isn't it?
All the best, Tina. Godspeed. Godspeed.

The trial started today. My head is swimming with visions and pictures and crushed skulls. And I am so tired, so very tired. Julie and Nicola and I went out on Saturday night. Drunken stupor at Gabby's. Very fun. Julie said something that I keep thinking about. As usual, I was telling her how wonderful she is, how beautiful, how heads turn when she enters a room. And she said something like people don't notice her as much as me, that people crowd around me, life of the party. Feels good that that is what she sees. Any maybe others as well.

I'm awesome! Who knew?
Um... everybody! ;)


Round the table: Bev - Rita - Rich - Carl - Don - Ross - James - Virginia - Carol - Mal - Grant - Kerri

Go to sleep! Sleep! Sleep!

It's been a weird couple of days. He came over last night and we had sex and talked. And ever since I can't stop thinking - who was that person? Who was that? I don't want to be with this guy. And, I guess, just like that I was freed. I know we both changed over the past year or whatever but omigod! That guy is so not the person that I want to be with. I don't even know if I can explain it. Ugh! He's 37 and he sent me an email of his dick? Are you kidding me? I am so not interested. Stunned but so not interested. I'm so not interested that I don't even want to talk about this anymore.

So, still at Karl and Jenny's. I don't mean to be rude but how do people possibly live like this? It's gross here - just gross. At every corner in every room there is something else that I stare at in shock and disbelief! Can you spell gross?

He called today. Called home and then my cell but I was up here babysitting the boys while Karl and Jenny are in Calgary. Anyway, I struggled for a bit with the whatfors and I wonderwhys. Then I said, why not just face it? And I called him back. You know what he said? He was at the Superstore and they had Nintendo games on special and he wondered if I wanted any. He was AT THE SUPERSTORE AND THEY HAD NINTENDO GAMES ON SPECIAL AND HE WONDERED IF I WANTED ANY. WHAT? Shall I say it again?

Well, there you go then. After almost 4 years it is done. Yeah. Again. But this time for real. He doesn't want me. He's been dating other people. I'm glad he told me, though. I know he thinks a lot of me - but as a friend. And I really appreciate that he told me. So, I'll cry for a day or two and move on. Next time it will be different. Next time I won't fall too fast. Next time I'll be chased.

I do need to throw up a little bit, though. Yeah, it's gonna be rough for a bit but much better in the long run, Bevie, much better.

Well, I think I made a big oopsie-poopsie with the Fabe. I sent an email on Sunday morning - rather light hearted in manual form - saying I love you, I would like to see you more, blah, blah, blah. And not a word.

Not that that surprises me but just a little nagging at the base of my skull (or heart?) saying why? Why are you still here? Of course the answer is that I love him. I did a LOT of soul searching last year and the answer was that I want to be with him. That does not, however, make him want to be with me.

And, as my saying goes - whatchagonnado?

I was just watching a movie. And the guy holds her and kisses the top of her head while she sleeps and I think "will anyone ever love me like that?" I've always felt so alone and worthless and I've gone through all of these changes and I'm still alone. Not worthless anymore but not really any less alone, either. Am I kidding myself that this thing with Fabian will ever be any more than it is right now? I'm tired of this, I want more. I don't want to be alone anymore. I want someone's arms around me, I want to feel like someone cares about me, I want to look into someone's eyes and see love there.

I don't understand what is wrong with me? What makes me so different from anyone else? Am I unworthy? Am I not a good person? When does the pain end? When do I get to stop feeling like I'm constantly struggling? I'm tired.

My good god. Do you have any idea how much baggage I have been carrying around for the past 20 years? It just hit me. I mean, I never forgot but it just hit me how much it's stayed with me and how much it influences me. That one little moment changed everything. That sentence. That "I don't want to go out with you anymore". When I was... what? 16? Jesus.

That's why I always hold back for a bit when Fabian comes over. That's why, when he's not with me I think he's with someone else. Because Dave was. And I have never been so humiliated. I never felt so stupid and duped and hurt. And everyone knew. My mother knew. The whole Teen Centre knew. And I was all la-de-da, kiss kiss, tee hee. The one time that I didn't go to the dance.

And I have been trying to avoid feeling like that ever since. And I always thought that it was because she was pretty and she was thin and she was younger. But maybe it was because of how she made him feel. Maybe it was because she made him feel strong and wanted and I was home and didn't show up without even bothering to call.

I still wait that first few minutes to judge his demeaner before I react to him. I've never been able to kiss and love him without some sign that it was okay. It never really occurred to me that he probably wondered why I was always cold at first. It isn't his fault that when I was 16 David Parmiter screwed around on me at a dance with Angela Hardy in front of all of my friends and no one told me and the next day he broke up with me at the Teen Centre in front of all of my friends and I laughed when he said I don't want to go out with you anymore, I laughed and I said yeah, me too. It isn't his fault that somehow in that one moment my heart was broken and while it has been bandaged and healed there is still this little scar that is barely visible. But behind that scar the scar tissue has been building and pushing out the caring feelings that could be there. In that one moment I stopped believing, I stopped trusting. My deepest fears were confirmed - I wasn't good enough. Self-fulfilling prophecy? Maybe. But the fact remains that I never let anyone put me in that position again. And I really don't know if I can start now.

I hate these days. Something just ruptured in my brain this afternoon and made me feel like this murderous rage. Not really. I don't exactly rage. Sometimes I wish I did. Maybe it would be better than sitting alone, crying. Ah, maybe it would be worse. I need something more than work and tv, I know that. Exercise. I'm waiting again. For what? I don't now. Waiting for everything to be perfect so that everything will be perfect. Waiting to not have these days anymore. Stay off the ganga and booze might be a good start. Get some exercise, get off the couch, start some renos or some cleaning or some studying. Something. Something. The problem is, when I feel like this, I don't want to do anything. I can't concentrate on work, I don't feel like reading, tv is boring, exercise is a joke. God. Forever the see-saw. Should I just learn to accept it?

So, things are going good. God, who is this girl? I LOVE HER SO MUCH! I've seen Fabe a couple of times - two actually. Seems like so much more. I love this guy. The doubt is gone, the games are gone, the fear is gone. I'm trying to show him that I've changed and the only way I can do that is to give it time and let him get to know me again. This patience that I have is so funny, so odd, so damn nice. Today I called and asked him over for supper. It was about 4pm. He hadn't shown at 6:45ish so I ate mine. He called a while later and said he was coming over but when he learned that I had eaten he asked if it would be okay that he didn't come over. And it was, it really was. His reaction to my reaction was funny. Lots of 'are you sure it's okay?'s. I kinda wanted to go 'see? see?'.

I'm a little wary of the whole talking thing. It's just not something that I do. How much? And how much is too much? And when? It'll be hard at first but it's the only way that things can be any different long term.

I freakin' wanna marry this guy!

Ohmigod, am I all growed up or what???

I finally started exercising again. I was bored and cranky-ish yesterday afternoon and decided to heed my "what will make me feel better" list and hopped on my stationary bike. Feels good. I've really been struggling with the moods for the past few months. Not really lows - except a bit in Newfoundland - but definite swings. Kind of not wanting to work, sleeping lots, not wanting to eat, having trouble concentrating. Moving should make it a bit better, although my tennis butt is painful at times (need to see hot Doctor Dave!).

My eating is really weird, too. I don't feel like eating. Seriously, I could care less. Just don't want anything. Then I pig out - probably from habit or boredom than from hunger. Like today. I was getting ready for work and did 30 minutes on the bike so I had a banana. Got a bagel at Tims on the way to work because I wasn't hungry but had to have something. Had a powerbar at noon. Found a Nutrigrain bar shortly after that so I ate it. Came home to have lunch and put a Lean Cusine in the microwave, was revolted before even taking a bite so I threw it out and had some chips. Fell asleep on the couch for half an hour. Ordered from Boston Pizza and had 2 sour keys, 5 hot wings and a small pizza. I'm totally stuffed and didn't want to eat to begin with. Now I'm trying to talk myself into a Blizzard. Control, Bevie. I need to start tracking calories again.

Interesting day. I had my settlement negotiation meeting for the lawsuit today. They were quite complimentary of me. They said - both sides - that it was my honesty and personality that doubled the settlement. All three lawyers said together and separately that it was odd to see. So, it turns out, that moral standards do pay. All of those people that said milk it and get all you can were wrong. Not that I needed that validation to live my life as I do but it was nice, I have to say.

So, the settlement came to $31,500. When all is said and done, I will receive about $15,000. With my wage loss and expenses topping $10.000, I am comfortable with that. I don't feel that I have scammed anyone. I would say that it won't keep me up at night but here I am. I am now more financially secure than at any other time in my life. I have a mortgage and my condo is earning equity solidly. All of my credit card debt is paid. I am taking home a comfortable pay that allows me to pay my bills and have just a touch left over at the end of the day. (of course, the outstanding tax debt story will left for another day!) So what the hell am I supposed to do with $15,000? Holy shit! My first instinct is save save save. Then I come home and think a new tv would be nice. Should I get a new computer? Or that area rug at Pier One? New speakers and thingamajigger? Upgrade my car? Is there any left? I don't want it to waste away. I think I'll take $10,000 for savings - mutual funds and GIC, half and half maybe. The rest I'll put in my savings account and spend some to fix up the pad. But I have to control the excess.

Just got off the phone with the Fabe. I'm a little weirded out. This is such a messed up feeling sometimes. It's like I don't know how to react to certain things. And then I don't know if my reactions that I do have are real or habit. Like we were talking about threesomes, which we've discussed a million times, and I really felt jealous when he mentioned that he knew someone that might be interested. And then I started thinking am I really jealous or is it just the way I always used to react? But then I was like - I don't want to play these games now so I don't know if I could do something like that and survive it. But do I tell him that? Because I don't know where he's at with all of this. Is it just sex to him or does he want to consider more? Shit. How do I do this? This is going to be a rough time in some ways, I think. But I know I need to try. For real this time. No games. And let's see.

Seriously, how did I survive before? How did I live for all of those years without this kind of happiness? I know I wasn't down every day but the happy days were usually an obsessive excitement. I don't remember being deep down happy, confident, in love with my life. Consistently. Without that question in the back of my head: what next? When's the next swing?

Well, that was a long, drawn out entry. Let's see if I can expand on it a bit...

Our Fabian came over for dinner the other night. Ohmygad! I thought I would pass out with all of those orgasms. Sweet! He didn't come though. Interesting. The real interesting part is that I don't feel bad about it. Before I would be thinking he didn't like me or didn't enjoy himself. Well, silly girl - he was there so he must like you and he was rock hard and smiling so he must have had an okay time! And now the waiting begins. Waiting to see what is the next step. Initially, I thought under no circumstance would I contact him first. He has to chase me (that's a strong word but I can't think of another) for this to work. Then I was thinking that, after all, I'm the one really trying to make amends here. I am the one trying to regain his trust. I won't become a mad woman or anything but I do feel that I will need to take a few extra steps. And most of all, the answer is time. Time to heal, time to get to know each other again, time to rebuild (or start to build for the first time) trust. I don't know where this will go but I love him. I really do. I need to learn to communicate and consider his perspective but bottom line is I love him. So I'll wait. At the same time, - Oh, I'll get into that another day...

I had sex last night. Yep! You read that right, sister. I'd really rather not disclose who it was with. Shea! Likely!

I wrote this last night before I went to sleep. I thought that I would re-read it today and then email it to him. I went to sleep knowing that I would send it. And he would reply. And we would live happily ever after. And my first thought when I woke up this morning? NO WAY! I'm not sending that! But here it is, for what it's worth.

"Sad, huh? Practically begging for a snippet of attention, believing that you will indeed call when you say you will or help me with my computer or whatever excuse that I come up with to see you. When I ran into you at the theatre the other day, all I could think about was climbing in your window and ripping your clothes off. Apparently, you didn't have a similar reaction.
I know that I am probably a fool for holding on so long, for thinking that we have something special between us. I know that you don't trust in the changes in me and that you have no reason to. But I also know that, as much as a part of me feels that I should move on and leave you alone, a bigger part tells me to stay. I care for you and I want you in my life. I'm not running, I'm not hot and cold, I'm not confused. And, while I realize that I'm probably kidding myself, I'm going to stick it out for a little while longer."

I need a leash. I need to restrained. Tied up And not in a good way! ;) Remember, Beverly.... PMS. Everything is a little exaggerated right now. Every feeling is a little stronger and harder to deal with than usual.

And, anyway - get your head out you ass, already! Don't you remember? If he's not calling - not showing up when he says - avoiding you. It means he's just not that into you. Stop making excuses for him. It's your own fault. He was into you. Circumstances changed. And maybe he never was and never could be into you the way you always wanted him to be. How long will it take to accept that? He doesn't care back. And even if he does in some weird warped way at the base of his small cold heart, he'll never let it out. He'll never trust you again. Could we not let go already? Do you still enjoy this torture just a bit? How very 15 of you. Get a backbone and a new vibrator and move on. Something will happen for you someday when you are ready. For now this yo-yo is not creating any positive vibes for you.

I need this to end! How long is this going to drag out? I thought all of this was over! The giddiness and tears. Let go! Motherfuck!

I feel... distracted, unsettled, bored. It's been all week or so. The other day I made a list in my mind. What will make me feel better/what won't make me feel better. It went something like this:

What WON'T make me feel better
1. food
2. sex
3. cigarettes
4. pot
5. alcohol
6. Fabian
7. shopping

What WILL make me feel better
1. exercise
2. healthy diet
3. schedule

It's pretty simple, it always has been. The actions I took in the past to make me feel right did the exact opposite in the long run. The shitty part is that I feel so shitty that I keep doing the shitty stuff. Get you shitty ass to the gym, woman!

So, funny little story... how sad is it that I get so excited over these little things but this is the fun of life, I suppose. First, the background:

I called Fabe on Monday to let him know that I was back and he could come pick up his chips, left a message. He called Tuesday night. We were on the phone for an hour and a half, shooting the shit. He ended the call saying he would call the next day and come to help with my computer. Believe it or not, shock of all shocks, he didn't call. But I said to myself (and I knew it was me because I recognized my voice), I said self, maybe something came up. Or maybe nothing came up and he just forgot. Or maybe he remembered and wanted to leave me hanging. Or maybe he was just trying to get off the phone and he never intended to come over at all. But, either way, there was absolutely nothing that I could do about it at that moment. So I read my book and had a nice evening.

Anyway, today I played hooky from work and decided to go to the movie. Guess who was sitting in his car in the parking lot? Go ahead - just guess! Nope. It was Fabe himself. Looking mighty fine, might I add. I ran over and said hi but it was raining and my movie was starting so we only spoke for a minute. He said he barely recognized me, most likely because I'm so gosh-darned hot! That is the first time I saw him since June (fuck - just realized that it's almost nine months since I had sex! What a terrible slump!)

Who knows what's going to happen? I believe in fate. I believe that if it's going to be, it will be. I believe that if it isn't going to be, it isn't supposed to be. One way or your mother, there's not much I can do at this point. He has to come to me and I don't know if he will. He has many reasons to stay away and not many to believe in the changes in me. I have trouble believing them myself and I am me!

So, we'll just let it ride. But I'd really just like to ride him! Tee hee!

Holy shit! The year's half over! Any-hoo...

So, here's an interesting development - yes, I am going to talk about Fabian so back off!! :)

Somewhere someday something went click. (I know, stop with all the specific details already!) Seriously, though, I don't remember what was going on only that I was watching TV or something and all of a sudden I thought "why is he so mean to me?" which was shortly followed by "and why do I let him?" And everything inside me just went ahhhhh and relaxed like a breath of fresh air. Here I am , relieved. And the funny part is I'm not pissy, I'm not excited, I'm not frustrated, there are no extreme emotions at all. I still love him, I still want him, I'm just not going to do anything and everything within my power to get him back. Normally, that's exactly what I'd be thinking, which would be followed by severe hurt and anger when I would push all thoughts of him away. Then I would inevitably get an email or call from him and start the cycle again. This time seems different (so far, anyway) and it's really hard to explain why. So, we'll see. When I get home I will call him to let him know that he can pick up his chips and stuff - no delivery or mail options. He can pick it up if he wants for not and we'll go from there. One way or your mother. Click!

Here I am - somewhere over Canada - slightly bored although I have tons that I can do. Sleep would be nice. Mmmm! I got unbelievably, disgustingly drunk Friday night. You may have noticed - if you can decipher my last entry. Apparently 1.5L of wine, then beer, then Screech is not a good idea. Go figure! Mom so pissed me off! I got really mad. Fuck! Pick, pick, pick, pick. Am I 12? If I get foolish and have some fun why does she do those damn looks and tsk, tsk's? Of course, the fact that I let it bother me is part of the problem. What else is new? I really stayed away from her this trip. No late night drunken talks. When she was drinking, I was elsewhere. Where did this woe is me personality come from? "If I don't do the dishes, no one else will." "Notice how I always do the trips to the airport?" God, I would have rathered walk when she starts saying stuff like that. How to reply to that kind of stuff? Yes, you are right. You are amazing, a saint, a martyr. And she does do a lot and she is amazing and I totally believe in tooting your own horn but come one already! Exorcise the Verlie!!!

Anyhoo!

Yeah. Drunk. But fucking pissed. So pissed at Ma. Beyond. Time to go tute suite. Cuz fuck you.

I have become fascinated by this book "How to Win Friends and Influence People". It was written in the 30's and most of the stuff oddly holds true still. I guess human nature hasn't changed fundamentally. Anyway, here are the points the guy makes... I want them here for periodic review!

FUNDAMENTAL TECHINQUES IN HANDLING PEOPLE
1. don't criticize, condemn or complain
2. give honest and sincere appreciation
3. arouse in another and eager want


SIX WAYS TO MAKE PEOPLE LIKE YOU
1. become genuinely interested in other people
2. smile
3. remember that a person's name is, to that person, the sweetest and most important sound in any language
4. be a good listener, encourage people to talk about themselves
5. talk in terms of the other person's interests
6. make others feel important - and do it sincerely

HOW TO WIN PEOPLE TO YOUR WAY OF THINKING
1. the only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it
2. show respect for the other person's opinions, never say "you are wrong"
3. if you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically
4. begin in a friendly way
5. get the other person saying "yes, yes" imediately
6. let the other person do a great deal of the talking
7. let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers
8. try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view

BE A LEADER - HOW TO CHANGE PEOPLE WITHOUT GIVING OFFENSE OR AROUSING RESENTMENT
1. begin with praise and honest appreciation
2. call attention to people's mistakes indirectly
3. talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person
4. ask questions instead of giving direct orders
5. let the other person save face
6. praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement, be "hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise"
7. give the other person a fine reputation to live up to
8. use encouragement, make the fault seem easy to correct
9. make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest

I get frustrated quite often when I want to write in here. Or write in general, I guess. It's sometimes difficult to express what is going on in my brain. It's sometimes random and scattered.

As we all know, I have been quite conscious of my moods over the last few years. I watch for the changes and cycles, I-don't-want-to's and tears. I'm pretty much in control of my brain now but I still have times when I revert. Usually not in a large way or for long but backward movement, nonetheless. I can directly relate it to lack of exercise, rest and healthy eating though, so I guess that's where the feeling of control comes from. The past couple of days I have been suffering from the blahs. Just spending lots of time alone, not quite as quick to laugh and tears come more frequently. I think the booze and weird sleep schedule also has an impact.

My mother seems to be getting somewhat p.o.'ed at me and I am certainly easily irritated by her. Mostly due to the abuse that she takes from that asshole, Calvin. I could punch him in the mouth every time I hear him speak, I swear. And she just takes it. But he kissed her goodbye so that means he can be controlling and obnoxious. Pardon me while I walk away - quickly.

God, I hate these days when I revert and just can't stop crying. I hate the feeling of loneliness that overwhelms me. The desire for someone to come and just put their arms around me, take care of me, love me. And I think a small part of me revels in it - the familiar, the known. I lived this way for much longer than the new girl. But there is no comfort, no hugging. Still and always only this grief that I cannot explain, tears for which there is no reason. And a loneliness that feels as if it will last forever.

At least now I know better than to think it's because I haven't heard from Fabian or because I have lost my mother - maybe a mother that only existed in my fantasies, anyway. Ha! The same could be said about Fabe, too, though. Now I just let it come and swallow me, chew me up and spit me out - then I go about my business. The end is so much easier than the beginning but recognizing it's new swiftness is the easiest of all. Hang on, hang on.