Omigod! This is sofa-king frustrating! Is this what life is supposed to be like? Fuck! When does all this crap stop?

I don't even want to write about it. I'm so sick of it. I have no control over what he does and what he feels but don't I have control over what I do and what I feel? I guess I just don't know what to do... there's pros and cons on every side of this. And, yes, if I could figure out what the hell is going on with him it would be easier.

And then the little guy on my shoulder whispered - he told you what's going on. He wants to see other people, he doesn't want a relationship with you. And when his dick gets itchy he figures you for an easy lay. And you always answer his calls, don't you? Up until Friday night you always opened your legs, too. But now he will most likely be gone and never heard from again. Will it do any good to chase him? He knows what he wants and what he doesn't want. And what he doesn't want is you. Yes, he likes you. Yes, he wants to be friends. So what? Does what he wants matter more than what you want? How are you ever possibly going to get over this if you don't cut ties? All ties. Permanently. Just don't answer the fucking phone. Delete the email. He'll get the message. If he ever tries to contact you again.

But you know why I don't cut ties? That fucking hope. Where the hell does that come from? Pessimism might help here. A little blame, for shitsake. Oh, it isn't his fault. Yes, it fucking is. He took advantage of your good nature. He told you himself. He was lonely so he used you. Yeah, but someday he'll come to his senses and fall hopelessly in love with you, right? Fucking chump. You are a fucking chump.

CHRIST - WHY DO I KEEP DOING THIS?

God, I am such a fucking chump! What the hell did he ever do for me? Seriously - what the fuck do I even want him around for?

Who needs him? Who needs any man? They are all idiots! Seriously! Can you think of any redeeming qualities? He makes me laugh - buy a fucking comic book. For sex I have a vibrator. Spring is here so my hay fever will take care of any irritation requirements.

See, the problem is though, that I'm PMSing right now and in a couple of days I'll be all fucking glass is half full fucking door mat again. I need to take control of this right now.

And as I start to write "break ties once and for all" that little fucker on my shoulder says except if he calls or emails today. How do I squash you, you little son of a bitch?
He doesn't want you.
He doesn't want you.
He doesn't want you.
He doesn't want you.
He doesn't want you.
He doesn't what? Yes, want you.

That's it. Let go. Once and for all. Just walk away. And rejoice. And in a few years you will be driving down the road and think "remember that Fabian guy? Wonder what ever happened to him? What an idiot he was!"

Ah freedom, sweet relief.