The thought came to me a few minutes ago that I am pretty much sabotaging my relationship with Ian. I haven't determined whether or not I want to change that but I definately am creating problems that aren't totally there... making a mountain out of a mole hill, if you will.
This realization in part stemmed from this "PersonalityDNA" test that I just did. It gives you the level of your personality traits and here's what mine said:
Confidence 78%
Openness 6%
Extroversion 94%
Empathy 4%
Trust in others 56%
Agency (belief that you control your life and not some higher power) 88%
Masculinity 66%
Femininity 6%
Spontaneity 48%
Attention to style 58%
Authoritarianism 88%
Earthy/Imaginative 100% earthy
Aesthetic/Functional 94% Aesthetic
Openness 6%! And Empathy only 4%? That can't be good! It's not because I don't care, I guess it's because I don't trust that I won't get hurt so I'm not letting anyone in to get the chance. And I know that I have this problem... it's hard to explain but when I try to reach out to someone or ask for help (especially men for some reason... or perhaps it's when I am emotionally invested in the outcome), I half ask and then push them away when they don't answer in the manner that I want... most likely they don't know what I am saying but I only realize that after the shut-down. The other night, for example, Ian and I had a reasonably good afternoon with his mother and, when I kissed him goodnight I made a comment that he didn't come "tuck me in" anymore. Then I got this barage of crap about how I'm always jumping on everything he says and I'm not very nice to him, blah, blah (wow, if they included sensitivity, I would have gotten about .5%). And I waited for him to come in for an hour... and he didn't come in. I did not kiss him goodbye the next morning and I did not kiss him goodbye this morning and, while I did kiss him last night, I had to talk myself into it because I did not want to. In a way it looks like I am punishing him but I think it's more that I am not opening up to him anymore.
So, what does all this mean? I have no idea. Does it mean that I'm supposed to back off and put it all out there again? I don't want to have my heart trampled. Do I trust that he won't do that? Not really. And not because I think he is bad and would willingly hurt me but, when I put myself out there for someone, they had better be up to the task and I'm not really sure that he is anymore. I'm not confident that he is or that anyone else ever will be. He said that he would be there for me, he said that when I had my bad days he would give me my space and not give me any grief about it. I don't think that the amount of guilt that he gives me is "no grief". And I don't know if I want to pull in my horns and go it alone again or if I want to put myself out there for further possible damage. Yeah, so they say that it could turn out better but I'm not really a believer in that. Or maybe just not enough of a gambler that I am willing to take that chance. Or maybe I'm just using all of this as an excuse to validate the fact that I want to be on my own again.
And, if I'm going to be bluntly honest (because this is for me to read and no one else), I'm getting bothered by all kinds of other things now... the house is a dump, his teeth are yellow, he's so small and I'm so big it looks funny, I don't like the way that he blames everything that happens to him on something/someone else (which is pretty much the reverse of me), I don't like that he doesn't have a job, he gets sweaty and smelly when he sleeps, his hair is puffy, he has no bum, he is way too dependant on pot and beer, he's silly and weird... now I'm just grasping at straws, though.
I don't want to ask permission to see my friends; I don't want to be told what to eat, when to eat, how to eat; I don't want to have to consider someone else's feelings when I speak or when I want to be by myself for a while; I don't want to deal with someone else's moods and needs and problems. God, I am such a bitch... it really is all about me isn't it? And not necessarily in a good way. My low, low empathy score.
What a messed up girl I still am! I really had no idea! I honestly thought that I dealt with the depression and all of that other stuff was due to that problem and the whole world would be wonderful now. Wasn't my excuse for holding people at arms length all about my view of myself? And that has changed tremendously since the pills but I guess some things remain. After all of those years conditioning myself, I guess I have some more work to do in letting go. Or maybe I'm not messed up - maybe I'm inconsiderate and selfish and I only think of me, me, me.
But I still mainly just want to leave the situation and pretend that it never happened, there is nothing wrong with me... it's the rest of the world that's so fucked up! And the more I write the more I think that it's me that's fucked up - just not in the way I always thought. I don't think that it's because I'm afraid that I will get hurt... it's more like I'm afraid that I will hurt him because I don't know if I want to be with him anymore. Him. Not anyone. Him. And I might be using this little upset as a valid reason to walk away.
