Well, things seem to have gotten worse instead of better over the weekend. Not in my brain but in my home. Ian and I are barely speaking and I am trying to figure out what I want to do next... do I fight for us or do I leave? My tenants haven't paid their rent yet this month so it's a perfect opportunity to reclaim my space. If only I could make a decision.
I feel like I did when I was with Karl in a way... and I have no intention of waiting for five years before I move on. But Karl was such an ass and Ian is not. Well, maybe he is, just in a different way. He's sofa-king irritating sometimes. Such a child! But I knew that when I moved in. Another interesting thing that keeps popping into my head is that I have been stoned for most of our relationship... and that really seems like the only time I like him anymore. Yes, he's a good person for the most part, I love our dog, I like his family, I kinda love our home but is it enough?
Do I want to spend my life feeling like I have to explain every time I have a bad day? And did I have this many bad days before? I don't think so but pot and not Ian is to blame for that (I think!). Do I want to always feel guilty for being on my computer or going out with my friends or working late or just wanting to be alone? Do I want to hear him bitch about how I'm wasting food when he buys things that I just don't want to eat? Do I want to live in the dump of a house with it's stupid striped wall? Do I want to be with a guy who smokes pot and drinks beer all day long? I don't want to get in the car with him when he's high... I don't like his driving at the best of times. And sure we have fun. Yes, I love the guy... but everytime that enters my mind "I think" follows fast.
And if I do leave, what do I take? Do I leave everything with him and start over again? I gave so much stuff away! I could look at it as a redecorating opportunity but that's gonna cost so much money! But it could be so much fun!!! And when I picture myself back in my place, I wonder if I will be devistated? Will I regret leaving? Because once I go there is no turning back. When I left Karl there were so many exciting doors opening for me... so much to do. Would it be going backward? And why can't I be alone? Why is it such a bad thing? I just have no time for all of this crap.
I don't know how I got to this point so fast. Wasn't I just gushing over him last week (when I was stoned!)? We have been having problems for a couple of months on and off but I think now it's reached the point where we have to either get it together or walk away. And it is my nature to walk away. I know (think!) he will fight me on it but nothing will change. I told him, warned him, in the beginning. He either didn't believe me or thought that he could handle it. I don't think that he can handle it - I doubt that anyone can. He has become like any/every one else and just hates me because of the moods. I'm not saying that I blame him - I would never put up with it either - but he told me that he would understand, that he would give me space, that he would let me work it out the way I need to and that he would be there when I was ready. It doesn't happen that way.
What do I want? I want it both... I'm selfish enough to admit that I want to have him when I want him and to not have him when I don't want him. And I'm selfless enough to know that I should let him go.
