I'm going to try to get this out while I'm still going through is. Maybe it will help me understand it better. This time it's almost as bad as before the pills. Which, I think, shows the importance of the addition of exercise. It's also strongly tied to my menstrual cycle now. Was it always? I don't know. But these days I have various degrees of breakdown every fourth Monday, Sunday really. It usually isn't this rough or last this long. I need to find a way to go for a walk today. I can't let this control me again.

It's so debilitating. The tears, the frustration, rage-depending on the circumstances, thoughts of hurting myself, worthlessness, I can't concentrate, have a severe case of the "don't wanna"s. Don't wanna read, don't wanna puzzle, don't wanna watch a movie, nothing on tv, can't work, not going online, can't listen to music, not cooking supper, clothes fall where they fall, showers are an ordeal. Even picking up the phone to call work takes an hour of planning and is a struggle. I avoid all of my friends, turn the ringer off on my phone and the world just has to do without me for a day or two.

I just can't cope with the simplest things. Going to the grocery store last night - I desperately needed cake (they didn't have any). Even this.

That's enough for now.

Maybe I'll try to keep going. I have to make sense of this so I can get it under control again. Although I do feel that diagnosis was the best thing for me, it also made it harder. Before I could blame whatever man that was currently in my life or lack of, work problems, family problems, money problems. Fucked up brain problems is a harder pill to swallow.

And no one understands. Maybe Cathy. Debra to a lesser degree. Mental illness, emotional instability, lovely. Julie and Stacey try to understand but how could they? Stacey will say it was the whole Fabian thing this weekend that caused it but it's actually the opposite. The way I reacted was caused by this, a sure sign but I missed it. And it hasn't been this rough in a long time so I guess it's understandable.

I really fucked up with Julie yesterday. I skipped Jenna's birthday party. I couldn't call. I had to leave work because I couldn't stop crying. She left a message on my voicemail yesterday afternoon and I haven't even listened to it yet. In a while I'll send an "I'm alive but it's rough" email and hopefully she'll forgive me. Again.

The funny, or maybe ironic, thing is that no one really believes me. I don't know if believe is the right word but here's this confident, independent, take control, hardworking, straight forward woman and she's a cowering mass of tears? How's that possible? The life of the party, doesn't she smile 24/7? Someone once said to me "don't you ever not smile?" I almost fell to the floor laughing. If she could see me now.