Oh, come on, silly Ian. Don't you think it's time to realize how wonderful I am and dump that bitch? And then I wondered... what are the chances that I want him more because of her? I don't doubt that this has made it more hurried somehow, which is silly because my impatience will do nothing to make him feel things that he might not feel. And how confident am I that I actually have these feelings for him? That this is real and not just the same old song and dance? Very confident, I am pleased to report!
Conveniently, I just so happen to be transposing my old journal from 2003... which talks about little other than the ups and downs with Fabian. I have a direct comparison. I have the memory of it happening the same way with every other guy and I have my own words, complete with dates, that show me the rise and decent of my tumultuous moods. And it's the same right now. The moods are basically the same, albeit much much more managable; the cycle repeats and repeats. (I am actually going to pull out my first journal from when I was in my teens just because I'm curious to read it now - all of the other journals that I wrote have been destroyed because... well, this is interesting, because I didn't want anyone to ever know what I was on the inside.)
Oh, but it's different, too and it's the differences that are giving me the confidence to continue down this path that I have recently put myself on. It's different. For one thing, I am not obsessing and unable to stop myself from thinking of him every moment. I am not paralyzed and imprisoned in my own home, unable to cope, not wanting to talk to anyone, I am not pigging out, I am not crying uncontrollably, not wondering if I will be able to live knowing that I will have these ups and downs for the rest of my life, not wondering if I should live at all. I am going on with my day. Yes, every single time that I check my email and every single time my phone rings, he comes to my mind and a little teeny tickle of hope flutters through my belly but then it recedes when his name isn't on my caller id or in my email inbox. And I continue on. I am accepting that I love him. I am allowing myself to acknowledge that I love him, to feel that love and to feel the pain that is part of it right now. It's not all sunshine and roses, life always comes with a challenge. I am constantly second guessing myself right now, checking to make sure that what I feel is really what I feel. You know how sometimes you hear about someone who is sick all the time, who always has something wrong, always is going through some devastating drama? That was me. And I continue to look at myself with far more accusing eyes than you ever would.
Let's face it - this little breakthrough, this new knowledge, does not make the old habits disappear. Right now I am looking for those old habits, it's kind of a constant questioning to learn to recognize those habits and let go of them. I am noticing negative comments when they come into my mind. (Was I Verlie? But let's hope it didn't get to that, dear god.) It's very similar to what I experienced when I first started the anti-depressants: I am constantly on the look out, waiting for myself to act or think in a manner that is not genuinely me. Instantly after a negative thoughts comes 'really, is that what you really think?'. I am not going to be able to just shut that off instantly. This is all a learning process. And it's not that I am mean, I honestly think that a lot of it has to do with the way my brain processes things.
My brain works in a logical mode so I deal with things almost mathematically (A+B=C) and emotions don't really come into play much. Perhaps using homeless people, for example. Are they suffering? Yes. Do I care about that? Yes, I have a very strong sense of morality. Do I want to help? Absolutely. Do I think that they are in that situation by their own hand? Most of the time, yes, I do. And it's not that I don't understand that they are in pain. Just, to me, A - you're homeless + B - you need a home = C - clean up your act and find a roof somewhere. On the news this evening they were complaining about not enough low cost housing available in the city. Pretty simple stuff isn't it: if you can't afford a home in the city, move out of the city (I couldn't afford a house here if I made twice what I used to make and had a spouse's second income!); if you want a roof over your head, you do what you need to do to get one... it's just that simple. And, for the most part, that is what I have always felt about the subject. Today I thought 'you don't feel that you could have a little more compassion? Maybe understand that it's not always that easy and they could probably do a lot better with a helping hand?'
The funny thing is that I KNOW I will try to help people if I am free to let what is on the inside show on the outside. I used to feel bad for them but not neccessarily compassion; honestly, kind of a sucks to be you, suck it up kind of attitude. (Sadly, now that I think of it, that was pretty much my attitude with Ian - just deal with it and get over it! I don't think he liked that very much.) I used to think that I can't help someone who won't help themselves - just get your shit together already.
And, check it out, I am looking at getting a job as a 911 operator so that I can go to school to become a family mediator? Or something along those lines. I want to counsel, I want to help. I want to go out and HELP! On the outside... not just feel it and push it away and shrug my shoulders because I'm not going to put myself out there like that. I want to help, I want to make someone's life better - if it's as much as I did for Sheena during her tough times and even if it's only by making someones day better with a smile. And the funny thing is that's how I have always been, that's who I have always been, but I have never let it show on the outside if at all possible. How is that possible??
