I sent a copy of the last post to Ian. I can't really say why, to be honest. Closure? This is the note that I included in the beginning:
"Hi. I'm not sure why I feel compelled to send you this journal entry; I guess I want you to see where I was in all of this. Obviously I read you extremely wrong so it dawned on me that perhaps you read me wrong, too. Maybe I am hoping that letting you know this stuff will help me move on. This was written to me from me but - I am not trying to change anything and I am not inebriated in any way - these are things that I want you to know, things that I have always wanted you to know. Sorry, I'm a bit long winded..."
There has been no response which is good. Like I said, I wasn't trying to change anything I just wanted him to know. I had a weird little feeling that he had no idea of my side of the story. I, of course, also do not know his side of the story but I never will know it if he doesn't tell me. And that's okay; I did my part and that's all that I can do.
It's funny. Most of the things that I have been doing during my time off - writing, listening to music, lazing around - are things that I haven't really done since I was a teenager. Perhaps I should say that they are things that I haven't done without guilt since I was a teenager. And even then it was wrong. Why is it that every thing that I did while I was growing up wrong? Why was I always being told that I was wrong, not good enough, not fast enough, not anything enough? And why did I believe them so blindly? I guess what happened was that I looked for proof of what I was told, accepted only proof of the bad stuff and eventually learned to believe it, and after that I just accepted it and stopped questioning it - it was true, I was worthless. I think then I just put all of my energy into making sure that no one else found out.
Another oddity of all of this is that I'm sure I have cried at some point during every day for about a week (writing, listening, remembering, questioning) and NOT ONCE did I think that I was weak or wrong or having a break down or out of control. By letting go of all of the things that I used to HAVE to control, I finally feel in control. That doesn't really make sense on the outside of my head but it's true. I was trying to control all of the wrong things. I guess I was trying to control the things that I felt I still could have control of - like I said, I had long since given up questioning and the things that went on inside my head were accepted at face value and I didn't even... wait, I was going to say that I didn't even try to control them anymore but I did, that's all I did. I just had to control everything, at all times, in all ways, I am woman, hear me roar.
