I am transposing that old journal and I'm sitting there in shock. I'm Cathy. Omigod, my poor sister. My poor sister's male companions. We are, for certain, a couple of freaks. Yes, we show it differently, we react differently but it's for the same reasons. Did she feel pushed aside when she was young, too? Unimportant? Looking back, I know that she did. Another difference is that she saw it, I didn't. She recognized it, she commented on it but that was just her way. To complain. She just did it out loud while I did it inside my head.
Meanwhile, the Fabian/Ian similarities continue to shock. SHOCK! Well, not shock because I wrote them but shock because I never read them from this angle before - even when I read them in January I did not see how exact it is. Maybe because a large part of the similarity is happening right now. And, if I look back, I remember it happening with Karl and Paul and Dave, even Jeff. We would have a fight and break up, or just break up depending on the guy, then I would have some amazing self discovery shit happen and all the world was beautiful again and I would try to get back with them. Oh, the humor in that! What's the definition of insanity?
HOLY FUCK! Can't I make the font darker? Bigger? Flash? So I can punctuate the enormity of this? I always said that I have never gone out with a guy for more than 3 months... even with the guys who I didn't actually leave, I would just break up with them in my heart. Whether I left or stayed, the same thing happened. Every three months. The running away, the crushing hell of knowing that nobody loved me and, as I got older, that I couldn't even blame them for it. The funny thing is other times, with the ones who did love me, I thought less of them for wanting to be with me - or I just found another reason to end things. The ones who showed their feelings for me were wimps. At least I could respect the assholes, they were assholes but they were smarter than the wimps. THE CYCLE! Looks like I knew about the cycle before I even knew about it!
And, you know what, I don't think it could work with Ian. I mean, I guess it could if we really worked at it but even just in the couple of lines that he wrote the other day you could see that we just operate on opposing teams. We can love each other (and I do love him, I really do) and we can have great sex (and we did, oh, we had good sex) and we can even enjoy each others company but when things get rough we are in absolutely separate worlds. It doesn't mean that I don't love him and it doesn't mean that he doesn't love me, we just don't work well as a couple. And there's been too much happen now, too much has been said, there are too many memories. He knows that girl, not this one. I want to find someone who I have never been with before, someone who doesn't know me, someone that I can start fresh with and start living this life.
It's time to get back to that other part of the plan for the future. Hey! Maybe me wanting Ian back is something like how, after I started my bookkeeping business, I went back to working at the bank in the evenings because it suddenly hit me that I didn't have a guaranteed income... almost like an 'oh, shit, what did I do?' when the future is exciting but scary. Just a little back track is all. And that's okay. Remember? I quit the evening job in less than two months.
