Well, it's back. Here I am, got it all figured out and I'm obviously no better off for it. I guess knowing that it's a cycle doesn't stop the cycle. How am I ever going to find a man that will put up with this person? How am I going to find a job if I collapse into a bunch of mush every few months? How am I going to have children and make them understand that sometimes mommy just can't deal with them and wants them to go away? How am I going to live the rest of my life like this?
I don't know what to do. I try to push past it, I try to avoid it, deny it, hide from it, run from it. I know that this basket case is the anti me and it's what makes the good stuff so damn good but this would be easier to handle if some bad stuff went with it. I don't want to talk to anyone, see anyone, do anything, I don't want to sleep, I don't want to be awake, I don't want to watch tv, I don't want to go to a movie, I don't want to read, I don't want to play the piano, I don't want to exercise, I don't want to work, I don't want to eat and I don't want to exist. I almost want to make myself believe that eating will make me feel better. But it won't. Nothing will. Nothing ever will. I just have to push past these times. All I can do is get stoned and wait for it to pass. REALLY? IS THIS HOW I HAVE TO LIVE MY FUCKING LIFE? WAITING FOR IT TO PASS? WONDERING WHEN IT WILL HIT AGAIN? MAYBE I SHOULD JUST STAY HERE BY MYSELF. MAYBE I SHOULD JUST GO BACK TO THAT JOB THAT I HATE. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE? F U C K .
I can certainly see why I behave the way I do sometimes. It's not being in this state that causes most of my problems, it's what I do after I am in this state. Right now I need to push people away. I have to, I have to. How could I ever let someone see this? I let Ian see it and we all know the ending to that story. Maybe I can find someone that will let me push them away while I am in this state if I am nicer the rest of the time. I think I just got so used to being here and pushing people away that I kept pushing even when I was feeling better. Because I was always trying to fix what caused this feeling so when I was coherent again I would get rid of anything that might have caused it. And when I learned that nothing caused it, I just kept getting rid of everything until I had nothing left. And here I sit: jobless, manless, childless, just less.
I know it will get better again, I know it will, I know it will, I know it has to. I am going to let myself have a bad day today and pull myself up again tomorrow. Or the next day. And continue on.
