Omigod... yes, I did it again... but this time I realized it - that counts for something, right?
So, for some unknown reason I thought that it would be a good idea to email Ian again and tell him that I don't like this silence and I want to be able to at least be on speaking terms with him. An hour later I thought - how many times have I told him that I want to talk, I don't want to talk, I want to be civil but not talk, I want to never see him again. The poor guy... all the poor guys. What a butt head I am... who am I to dictate whether or not he can be in contact with me? Who do I think I am? Anyway, I sent him another note saying something like: sorry, just realized that I do this, talk, don't talk, up to you, I'm okay, no worries. And I am so embarrassed. So, so, so, so, so embarrassed. Am I 12??????
Also (exercise IS extremely important to me... no wonder I was fucked up my whole life... I have been spending all my time on the couch!) when I went for a run I was thinking how I feel that it's not fair that he is with her and not me. But you know what???? It is fair! It is so fair! I treated him terribly - not intentionally but still terribly! It is fair.
