The Future

Ian's divorce was finalized on Saturday. He says that, as far as he's concerned, he's been divorced since January 7th, 1997. But it is a big deal for me. So we had "the talk" about the future. It was more like me saying that I don't want to talk about it... and him making a smart ass remark like "does this mean I have to marry you now?" All I could get out - I HATE talking about this kind of stuff, I know we have a future, why do I have to be such a girl sometimes? - I said "we've just never talked about our future." He said that we will be together when our pubes turn grey and fall out. Isn't that romantic???

Control Freak!

It's official! The quiz wouldn't lie, baby!

You Are 80% Control Freak

You are a pretty major control freak, though you may not know it. While your confidence is inspiring, your bossy ways tend to scare people off.

Are You A Control Freak?

Understanding Depression -- What Are the Symptoms?

And it’s not like I want to blame everything on this condition… well, I guess I do want to blame the parts of my personality that I don’t like on it. But it’s more than that.

Understanding Depression -- What Are the Symptoms?

For major depression, you may experience five or more of the following for at least a two-week period:
· Persistent sadness, pessimism.
· Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness or hopelessness.
· Loss of interest or pleasure in usual activities, including sex.
· Difficulty concentrating and complaints of poor memory.
· Insomnia or oversleeping.
· Weight gain or loss.
· Fatigue, lack of energy.
· Anxiety, agitation, irritability.
· Thoughts of suicide or death.
· Slow speech; slow movements.
· Headache, stomachache and digestive problems.

Of the 11 symptoms here (from the WebMD site), I currently have at least five. Prior to medication, I had all of them at one time or another. I remember when I first started taking the drugs; my life was pure hell due to the extreme ups and downs and the learning curve. I went back to the doctor to increase my meds. When I was still having problems and my doctor wanted me to start even more medication, I decided to try exercising and eating right as a supplement instead of more pills. And it worked. I was there. Was that temporary? Is the way I am feeling right now more consistent with who I am? I don’t think so.

I think, and I know I’ve said this before, I have to take better care of the stuff that I can control. I need to exercise and eat better. It’s the only way. The drugs are keeping me off the closet floor but that’s not enough. I expect more from myself, from my life. I don’t want to struggle like this for the rest of my life. I don’t want to let my work pile up around me while I try to find a way to cope with the simplest basic things. For a long time now I have been recognizing the depression only when I am uncontrollably crying but that’s not the only problem. I realize that this is something that is with me to a certain degree no matter what I do but I’m the only one who can control it. And I am a control freak so control it I will!

Outburst

Here is an email that I just sent to Ian to explain my little freak-out... I feel better now.

"Sorry I got bitchy... I was getting a little worried because you weren't answering anything. The BIGGEST fear in my life is that something might happen to you. I know I'm silly and I know that if it does I will just have to live with it but it's on my mind a lot. My little "balance of life" theory tells me that all of these wonderful things in my life can't last forever so I'm kind of waiting for everything to fall apart again. So sometimes I might sound like a bitch but it's usually out of love and concern... and sometimes I'm just being a bitch. Your job as the man is to try and figure out which is which. Good luck to you, my friend!! There... I said it out loud... well in writing... I'm a big baby... laugh away at the silly girl. And now I'm crying at work... I'm a freak... a silly freak!! Stop laughing!!!!! xxx"

Argh!!

Motherfucker! All of a sudden I feel like ripping someone's head off... for absolutely no reason at all. It's like I just snapped! Maybe I am manic... maybe I should re-evaluate the whole depression thing. But most likely not... I get cranky but I'm more of a hiding in the closet kind of person than freaking out and screaming my head off. And yet... I didn't believe the whole depression thing at first either. Maybe it's time to look deeper.

The hardest part about all of this is figuring out what's me and what's the depression. Maybe it's time for me to accept that I am both at the same time. But if I get pissed off quickly like this for no reason... am I just having a bad day? And when is it a bad day and not the other? I am skittish and unfocused and I don't want to work and I don't want to eat and I don't want to talk to anyone. Am I really just a bitch? Deep deep down? I feel that I am more and more. I hear myself talking to Ian sometimes and I feel like slapping myself! This is so frustrating.

What else is new baby?

Chubby Chuberston

I can not believe that I didn't link my recent weight re-gain to defecting from my gym. That doesn't make sense. Okay, I linked it to not going to the gym but only indirectly. A + B = C

In the prime of my health, 2005, I used to go to the gym every weekday at 5am. Then home, shower, work. Then work got busy and I started going to the office at 5am instead. Fast forward two years later... I have gained about 20 lbs. I was talking to Stacey earlier today and I was saying that I couldn't pin-point how/when/why I gained all of this weight back... maybe when I started seeing Ian but, no, that was last June and I was already well on my way then. Maybe when Fabian and I decided to finally end it but, no, I'm pretty sure I was off track then, too. So maybe it all started when I quit smoking in the summer of 2005 but, no, that was when I was in my prime. Holy shit! I stopped going to the gym in the morning and all that weight snuck up on me again. And then I just started inviting it in.

So, what does that revelation mean? I was thinking that I would start going to the gym again but I did pay for a membership for a full year without actually showing up. And we have all of this equipment at home. Why don't I start going for walks/jogs/do something here and then, when I get in the habit, we'll see. I have to do something. I'm sick of being so lazy. I'm sick of being so fat. I'm sick of being embarrased. I'm sick of it all. It's time. The sun is shining... the birds are chirping... it's time for me to get back in the game!

Love/Hate List

You know, there's a lot of things that I like about my life right now. Unfortunately, some of the things that I love about my life right now are also the things that I hate about my life right now. [okay, hate is a pretty strong word... let's take it all in context, shall we?]

The Love/Hate List

• sparkin' up a doobie at 10:00 on a Sunday morning
• eating whatever I want, whenever I want
• taking my dog for walks
• memories of he
• navy blue walls... with pink blinds???
• the similarities between me and Ian
• the differences between me and Ian

To My Wonderful Nephew, Brandon

March 11, 2007

To my wonderful nephew, Brandon!

Here is a poem that I wrote when I was 16…

I feel the loneliness
Building inside me
Turning
Crashing down
I can’t find a way out

I feel I should
construct a wall
to hide me
from the world
and take away this pain

I feel like crying
But the tears
won’t spill out
the anger and confusion
out weigh the sorrow

I feel I could let go
And scream
Until my throat hurts
As much as my heart does
At this moment

I feel like hating
Everything and everyone
I don’t know why
It’s all building up
I can’t take the weight off my shoulders

I feel like hiding
From my upset
I don’t want to face it
Not now
Not ever

Why did I think
Life would be easy?


Sheena told me that you are posting on the fiction press website. I often go on the site to read her stories and this morning I read your poems. I hope you aren’t mad at her; she didn’t tell me anything other than the name that you are using but I guess she was worried about you and she thought that I could help. I wanted to share my poem with you in the hope that it would show you that you are not alone and I understand the things that you are feeling.

I know that you are aware of our family’s little curse called depression. A couple of years ago I mentioned to your mother that I thought I was seeing signs of it in you and I believe that you both have discussed it but I want to tell you a bit about my experience.

I want to share some things with you that are very personal and I am going to trust that you will keep much of this confidential. I talk about this with my family and with maybe four of my closest friends that I know will love me no matter what. It’s not that I am embarrassed about my depression but some people look at you differently when they know. Sometimes people knowing is a good thing… like with Ian because he can see that sometimes I need to be alone and sometimes I need a hug. I don’t discuss this with Sheena because she lives with Joe, who is my boss, and I don’t want him to know. I guess I don’t tell most people because I want them to see me and not this depression. And sometimes it’s frustrating to deal with the people that don’t “get it”. I don’t feel that I need people to understand but I do need the people around me to accept it and not turn it against me. It takes a while but eventually you figure out who those people are. Feel free to tell anyone around you about the things that I am going to tell you, I just ask that you not discuss it with the people out here.

For most of my life I had no idea that there was something wrong with me. I thought that I was going through the same teenage angst that my friends were going through. I had days that I felt good about myself but, for the most part, I thought that I was pretty useless and ugly and fat and worthless. Sometimes I doubted these bad feelings but most of the time I felt this was a fact, I was crap… I just wasn’t worthy of people caring about me. But the really funny part was that I thought all of these bad things about myself but I didn’t want anyone else to figure it out. It was almost as if I told them how I felt about myself that they would go “you know, you’re right - you are crap” and not like me anymore.

I have always been quite guarded with my feelings. On the bad days I couldn’t talk about it and on the good days I didn’t want to. I smiled and kept up my “life of the party” image. I didn’t act out much as a teenager because I didn’t want to stand out, I just wanted to blend in with everyone else so no one would know. I didn’t really get close to people either; you can’t really let people in if you are afraid of what they will find. When I had a crush on some guy, I liked them until they liked me... then I didn’t like them anymore because I thought something had to be wrong with them if they liked me. Some people might think that’s pretty twisted but that was how my brain worked. I know now that not talking about this stuff was my biggest mistake. I had no reason to doubt these bad things that I felt because no one could ever say that it wasn’t true. I felt so strongly that I was right that I never gave anyone the opportunity to tell me that I was wrong.

Not knowing where the feelings were coming from, I always found a reason for them… I was too fat, what ever boy that I was currently crushing on didn’t love me back, I didn’t have enough money, I felt sick, I hated school or my job or whatever. There were a million excuses and I spent a life time trying to fix what was causing the hurt… I changed jobs, changed boyfriends, changed homes, over and over and over… until I realized that it had to be me. But depression? I saw the commercials on tv, I read the articles in magazines… they said that if you lost interest in the things that you used to enjoy that you should talk to someone. That didn’t apply to me. I was like this my whole life.

In October of 2003 I was thrown from a horse and hit my head. My doctor prescribed pain killers but I didn’t take them. I think it was about three weeks later that I accepted the fact that I was saving them up so that I could take them all at once. That was one of the hardest days of my life because that was the day that I realized that I needed help (and I really, really hate asking for help!). I started taking an antidepressant medication that has changed my life in more ways than I can measure.

But so much much more than medication, the biggest healing came from talking to a therapist. He was the one that figured it all out, actually. One day I was telling him a story and said something about not wanting to get out of bed for a week and he said that wasn’t normal behavior. But how could it not be? I had lived like that for my whole life and I saw other members of my family behave the same way. I thought everyone had times like that but they just didn’t talk about it… like me. So we started digging deeper. I think it was okay to tell him my feelings because he wasn’t my family, he wasn’t my friend… I could handle it if he found out what a waste of a human being that I was. And he helped me accept that I wasn’t a waste, that I was worthy. I learned to love myself and, so much harder, I learned to let people love me… the real me. I am happier than I ever thought possible, happier than I ever thought I deserved.

Now I can look back and know that all of the tears and heartache from my youth did not stem from my worthlessness. My worthlessness was, in fact, a byproduct of my depression. In some ways, the fact that you know that your feelings are caused by depression can be a great benefit to you. But, in other ways, I think it could become a disadvantage. I guess it depends on how you look at it and what you do about it. If you let the feelings of depression become a crutch, you could sit back for your whole life and blame everything bad that ever happens to you on your illness. But that won’t make you happy or fulfilled or give you a feeling of self worth. The happiness and self worth will come from struggling against it. It will come from knowing that you have this hurdle to face and believing that you have the strength within you to overcome.

I know it probably doesn’t feel like you have that strength yet but you can and you will. The easiest thing to do when you start feeling down is to sink into it and let it swallow you. I still have bad days when all I want to do is push everyone away and crawl under the blankets until the bad feelings go away. And sometimes that’s exactly what I do. But that only makes it worse. Your writing will be quite good for you. It’s an outlet to express what is going on inside you and exploring the things that are going on in your mind. And you really are good at it. If you keep it up you will eventually feel more comfortable putting your feelings down on paper. Don’t berate yourself or talk down to yourself. There will be enough people in your life that will try to do that for you. If you believe it, it will only hurt you. Know that you are an amazing person. You have so much to offer the world; don’t ever doubt that.

You have a head start now, Brandon. You are so much further ahead of the game than your mother and I were at your age, and you are worlds ahead of your grandfather. It’s hard but you need to remember that the things that go through your mind when you are down are not coming from you, they are being caused by disruptions in the neurotransmitters in your brain (or whatever the correct medical terminology is!!). This is different than people who suffer from depression that is not caused by genetics. These people get depressed because of events that happen, they have a specific reason to be down; someone they love dies or they lose their job or a million other reasons. Our bad feelings do not always have a specific reason. And sometimes the reason is different than we think it is. I’m not saying that your experiences and upsets aren’t valid, I’m just asking that you try to find a positive way to deal with them.

The answer is never never never (did I say never??) suicide or hurting yourself. Trying to stop the pain in that way offers absolutely no benefit. It doesn’t help you deal with your problems, it doesn’t fix what is wrong. The only thing it could do is devastate the people who love you. Ian’s brother committed suicide when he was a young adult. His family was crushed and his mother will never recover. Suicide is an extremely selfish act. If you feel that you want to hurt yourself, I beg you to reach out to someone. Even if you don’t care about you, you need to care about your mother, care about me and everyone else who loves you; you need to look for help. Honestly, I think that you are a very loving person and you are too considerate of others to try to end your life but sometimes the pain is hard to take and we look for a way out. Promise me that you will look for a different way.

When you are down the best things that you can do for yourself are difficult to deal with when you feel like you can’t deal with anything but they will always, always help… be around people that make you laugh, get exercise, take Holly for a walk, DDR until you can’t take it anymore! Just do something. And it’s HARD, so hard to do, but it will make the bad parts pass much faster. You might want to talk to your mother about medication. Most doctors don’t like to prescribe antidepressants to teens but it might be an option if things get bad and you feel that you can’t cope.

The most important thing that I can tell you is to understand and BELIEVE BELIEVE BELIEVE that the pain will pass. It really will. There is nothing that you will ever go through, good or bad, that will not ease with time. Even if you someday find yourself at the end of your rope, know that you do have the strength to get through it. Ask for help, talk to someone (I’m available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week), hug your dog, lie in bed and pull the covers over your head… do what you need to do to survive and it will pass… I promise. I will always be here for you and you can tell me anything - and anything that you tell me will stay with me and only me. I want you to feel that you can talk to me about these things but, if you don’t want to, I will understand that, too. Just do what you need to do… and be happy… you deserve it!

Brandon, we are connected by blood but I feel more than that with you. I think of you as my nephew and as my friend. I see a lot of myself in you, I see a lot of your mother in you and I feel a bond with you that will never weaken. You are a fantastic person, you are fun to be around, you are handsome, you are smart, you have a good heart and I love you. I love you – UNCONDITIONALLY – no matter what.

From your favorite aunt,
Bev xxx

Our Deepest Fear

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory... that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

- by Marianne Williamson
(religious references have been removed)


I love this poem/quote. It was a fear... I always had to look at the person next to me... and I would never surpass what that person was doing. So afraid of standing out. Now look at me - a leader/boss/mentor/friend. I love this me! Sound egotistical? I'm okay with that. I don't think that I'm a stupid waste of space any more. I used to wonder why bosses (for instance) would say such positive things about me in reviews and what-not. I just figured that they said really nice things about everyone. Now I think that it was because I do good work. I'm smart. I got my shit together. Most of the time. As far as anyone else can see. People look up to me now... maybe they always did and I just couldn't grasp that.

Facebook sucks... up all your time cuz it's awesome!

Can you believe this? It's almost 2pm and I have actually accomplished a bit of work - teeny weeny little bit. Because that damn Facebook is driving me crazy! I love it!! It's probably like the Sims... at first it sucks up all of your time... absolute time vacuum... then it levels out and you are just like a normal person again. Just like one. Kinda. As much as I could ever be.

That's funny. My whole life I would cry and think "I just want to be normal". And now I am normal. I'm still weird, I'm still odd, I'm still fat, I'm still me but now I am normal.

It's hard for me to go back there... in my brain, I mean. Back to that time when I was mental. But I can look back now and know that I was right... I knew there was something wrong with me. I just didn't know what it was. Clinical depression. That's hilarious! Don't you know that I'm the life of the party? When I can get out of bed and go to the party.

I Don't Want to Work

I don't want to work. I don't want to work. I don't want to work. I want to be a stay at home mom but I don't want to have kids. Does my dog count? So sleepy! I think it's Monday again.

Yeah, I know... boo hoo! I actually quite love my job. It's a mish-mash of this and that. I prefer the crazy busy going-out-of-your-mind challenge days but there aren't many of those since I got two extra people to help. Now it's little itty-bitty details. Balance this account, find out why this isn't right, pay this bill. Blech.

It doesn't much help that most of the time I want to string my boss up! He's really a great guy. He's taught me a lot, he's helped me a lot, he's generous and kind... but irritating! Fuckin' micro-manage me, buddy. You'll get a swift kick.

Okay, be nice! Get over it and get to work. It ain't goin anywhere until it gets done so I'm really only procrastinating. But it's one of my special talents! And I do it so well...

My New Journal

I’ve had a journal for most of my life. My first real journal began when I was 15 and my life went haywire and I landed flat on my head. It’s kind of fun/sad to read now because I see that girl who was sooooo so messed up and I still hurt for her. But I wrote to work out the mess in my brain; I wrote to find some reason, some answer to my unhappiness. Sadly, the answers that I found were wrong but it did placate me at the time.

And so I wrote. And I wrote. And I wrote some more. And then I burned it all. How could I not? Most of it was demonic musings of a psycho teenage girl and then worse musings of a woman on the edge of … of… anyway, I could never let someone see the mad ravings! Probably because, if you read what was actually written, you would see: Boo hoo! Why doesn’t (insert name here) want me? If you read between the lines, however, you would see: Help me stop hating myself!

So I periodically threw the books in the fire. People said that I would regret it – and they were right to a degree – but I still wouldn’t want someone to read them after I was gone and think that I was that person. Not many people are able to find meaning beyond the words. But I continued to write because I found it an outlet that I could use to vent about all of the bad, and sometimes good, things that I was living through. Then one day I realized that it was causing more problems than it was solving.

I would sit at home alone and write and cry and drink and write and cry. I would then inevitably go send some stupid drunken email to whatever man was currently ruining my life. And then I would feel good… conflict discovered, conflict deleted. And then morning would come. Oooops! I eventually realized that my journals had turned into a way for me to get worked up. Oh, the tears and the frustration and the absolute blah, blah, blah.

However - and this is the reason that we are all here right now - I miss it. I miss writing. I miss recording my life. It’s nice sometimes to go back and see where you were and how far you’ve come and I’ve lost that. I decided that I would like to write again. But – new problem – I don’t live alone anymore. I don’t think that it would be fair to write down all of these personal thoughts and observations and not expect Ian to be curious enough to take a peek. And I really don’t think that I will be writing anything that I wouldn’t want him to see because he knows me better than anyone ever has but there are things that sneak into my brain every so often that he doesn’t need to know.

So, here I sit… here I write. I have a journal that I can pull out whenever and wherever I want (within reason!!), it’s private and I will feel free to be who I am… whoever that might be at any specific time. Hold on… this is gonna be fun!

A-N-D... I'm back.

Mutherfucker, that was a rough one. It's weird. I'm a mass of waste, there's ups and downs but I feel scatter brained and indecisive and totally blah and then a minute later it's like SNAP. And the world is okay again. I cooked lunch, had a shower, did the dishes, actually smiled into the mirror. I just don't get it.

But it's time to get back on track. I think tomorrow I'll tell Joe the 5am thing isn't working and go back to 7-3 Monday to Friday. And go to the gym before work. Yes, for my sanity so much more than my waist line.

Now comes the part where I have to reply to all the calls that I didn't take, apologize for being me. Used to be that I would feel so guilty about making my friends worry. This time I just figured that's the price they have to pay to have a mentally unstable friend. And I'm sorry but when I go through that, I have to think survival above all else.

And so, it looks like we've come to the monster at the end of this book.

It's me!

Silly, but it's a milestone. I have never completed a journal before. Never ever. I would always start fresh and have a new beginning and think everything will be different this time. But I don't want to start fresh again. I want to continue. Finally I can just continue.

On to bigger and better! Congratulations! Pat pat pat!

I'm going to try to get this out while I'm still going through is. Maybe it will help me understand it better. This time it's almost as bad as before the pills. Which, I think, shows the importance of the addition of exercise. It's also strongly tied to my menstrual cycle now. Was it always? I don't know. But these days I have various degrees of breakdown every fourth Monday, Sunday really. It usually isn't this rough or last this long. I need to find a way to go for a walk today. I can't let this control me again.

It's so debilitating. The tears, the frustration, rage-depending on the circumstances, thoughts of hurting myself, worthlessness, I can't concentrate, have a severe case of the "don't wanna"s. Don't wanna read, don't wanna puzzle, don't wanna watch a movie, nothing on tv, can't work, not going online, can't listen to music, not cooking supper, clothes fall where they fall, showers are an ordeal. Even picking up the phone to call work takes an hour of planning and is a struggle. I avoid all of my friends, turn the ringer off on my phone and the world just has to do without me for a day or two.

I just can't cope with the simplest things. Going to the grocery store last night - I desperately needed cake (they didn't have any). Even this.

That's enough for now.

Maybe I'll try to keep going. I have to make sense of this so I can get it under control again. Although I do feel that diagnosis was the best thing for me, it also made it harder. Before I could blame whatever man that was currently in my life or lack of, work problems, family problems, money problems. Fucked up brain problems is a harder pill to swallow.

And no one understands. Maybe Cathy. Debra to a lesser degree. Mental illness, emotional instability, lovely. Julie and Stacey try to understand but how could they? Stacey will say it was the whole Fabian thing this weekend that caused it but it's actually the opposite. The way I reacted was caused by this, a sure sign but I missed it. And it hasn't been this rough in a long time so I guess it's understandable.

I really fucked up with Julie yesterday. I skipped Jenna's birthday party. I couldn't call. I had to leave work because I couldn't stop crying. She left a message on my voicemail yesterday afternoon and I haven't even listened to it yet. In a while I'll send an "I'm alive but it's rough" email and hopefully she'll forgive me. Again.

The funny, or maybe ironic, thing is that no one really believes me. I don't know if believe is the right word but here's this confident, independent, take control, hardworking, straight forward woman and she's a cowering mass of tears? How's that possible? The life of the party, doesn't she smile 24/7? Someone once said to me "don't you ever not smile?" I almost fell to the floor laughing. If she could see me now.

I'm in hell. Hell. I don't even know if I can manage to get anything else out. How is this still happening after all this time? I'm so fat and ugly. And nothing helps. I want to get drunk and stoned and smoke and eat. But nothing will fix this other than time. And just a little time. A day. But, like every month... if I make it!

Omigod! This is sofa-king frustrating! Is this what life is supposed to be like? Fuck! When does all this crap stop?

I don't even want to write about it. I'm so sick of it. I have no control over what he does and what he feels but don't I have control over what I do and what I feel? I guess I just don't know what to do... there's pros and cons on every side of this. And, yes, if I could figure out what the hell is going on with him it would be easier.

And then the little guy on my shoulder whispered - he told you what's going on. He wants to see other people, he doesn't want a relationship with you. And when his dick gets itchy he figures you for an easy lay. And you always answer his calls, don't you? Up until Friday night you always opened your legs, too. But now he will most likely be gone and never heard from again. Will it do any good to chase him? He knows what he wants and what he doesn't want. And what he doesn't want is you. Yes, he likes you. Yes, he wants to be friends. So what? Does what he wants matter more than what you want? How are you ever possibly going to get over this if you don't cut ties? All ties. Permanently. Just don't answer the fucking phone. Delete the email. He'll get the message. If he ever tries to contact you again.

But you know why I don't cut ties? That fucking hope. Where the hell does that come from? Pessimism might help here. A little blame, for shitsake. Oh, it isn't his fault. Yes, it fucking is. He took advantage of your good nature. He told you himself. He was lonely so he used you. Yeah, but someday he'll come to his senses and fall hopelessly in love with you, right? Fucking chump. You are a fucking chump.

CHRIST - WHY DO I KEEP DOING THIS?

God, I am such a fucking chump! What the hell did he ever do for me? Seriously - what the fuck do I even want him around for?

Who needs him? Who needs any man? They are all idiots! Seriously! Can you think of any redeeming qualities? He makes me laugh - buy a fucking comic book. For sex I have a vibrator. Spring is here so my hay fever will take care of any irritation requirements.

See, the problem is though, that I'm PMSing right now and in a couple of days I'll be all fucking glass is half full fucking door mat again. I need to take control of this right now.

And as I start to write "break ties once and for all" that little fucker on my shoulder says except if he calls or emails today. How do I squash you, you little son of a bitch?
He doesn't want you.
He doesn't want you.
He doesn't want you.
He doesn't want you.
He doesn't want you.
He doesn't what? Yes, want you.

That's it. Let go. Once and for all. Just walk away. And rejoice. And in a few years you will be driving down the road and think "remember that Fabian guy? Wonder what ever happened to him? What an idiot he was!"

Ah freedom, sweet relief.

Omigod. Oops. Mutherfucker. Oops. Vicious circle. De ja vu. Idiot. Sigh.

So, guess who called me yesterday. Come on, I'll give you three guesses. Shit. And he came over. We chatted, me in chair, he on couch. And it was fine. We had supper. Wine. Hours and hours. Then it got dark and I lit some candles and sat on the couch. He rubbed my feet. Fuck. Stupid, stupid. And then he kissed me. Did I want him to? Yes. Did it feel good? Yes. Then I said something like "unless something has changed, this isn't going to happen." And he pulled away. And I started crying. Crying, for fuck's sake! Two goddamned bottles of wine and I'm a blubbering idiot. I told him to leave. When he got home he wrote this:

"I'm an ass. I went over because I was lonely and I thought I could just visit but I was wrong. I almost made it without doing something stupid but I fucked up. I'm glad you laid the law down... at least one of us could. I feel comfortable with you Bev and I sadly took advantage of that. I promise it won't happen again. I'm so sorry."

Oh, I'm not to the good stuff yet. Cuz I emailed him back. Did I ever. Fucking idiot.

"Don't go taking all the blame, pal. I was there last night. I knew what was going on and I pushed it and pushed it and I wanted it. What I really don't want and will never want is to have sex with someone who is having sex with someone else. Bottom line. That is a rule that I have had my whole life and I told you that when we met. When I said "unless something has changed" I meant the fact that you wanted to sleep with other people. And the tears were a product of the wine so don't worry about it.
I really don't get this, Fabian. You feel comfortable with me, you like spending time with me, you obviously are okay having sex with me... so, what's the problem? I never asked you to marry me or move in with me or make a commitment to me or say that you loved me... I just wanted to spend more time with you. That's all. You broke up whatever we were doing back then because you wanted to be able to see other people. Where are they? Are you holding out just in case you find something better?
The most amusing fact of all of this is that we pretty much want the same thing, as far as I can see. I like my life. I like my time alone. I don't want children. I don't want to live with anyone. And I work weird hours so having a social life is virtually impossible. I feel so different from all of my friends that are married and having children. I don't want those things and I really don't know why - I just don't. And I'm mostly okay with being different... but being with you makes me feel less different.
I like spending time with you, Fabe. There's something about you that makes me feel good inside... something clicks into place. I don't understand how that's a bad thing.
I don't know what else to say. But I'm going to lie down now... crap, that wine was vicious!"

And that's that. No reply. I was lying in bed thinking about how I promised myself that I wouldn't chase him anymore. And wondering how he felt when he read my email. Or is he out with someone? Or gone into his cave? And then I laughed a little when I realized that he probably reacted the same way I did to the "we're both horny" email. Probably rolled his eyes and hit delete.

Oh well, whatcha gonna do? Stop checking my email might be a start. A damn good start.

I want to say that, unless he reacts favourably and soon, I'll have to cut off ties with him. But I probably won't. I love the fucker. Fucker.

Why is it that at the end of every movie, when the guy holds the girl and you just know that everything is going to be just fine, why is it that I always cry? I always think: I've never had that. And maybe I'll never have that. I guess I have though, maybe not the way I wanted it, maybe not like in the movies. Will I have it like that? Ever? Someone who will put their arms around me, just because I need it? I hope so. But I honestly fear that I won't.

And I know it isn't everything. I'm not that girl who thought that some man could make everything okay. That girl is gone. It would still be nice to have that, though.

I was just watching this movie and the guy says "do you feel like you chose your life or like your life chose you?" And I chose. I could have stayed in the trailer park in Wabush with Paul. I could have stayed in Mom and Dad's basement in Newfoundland. I could have stayed in my beautiful house with Karl and my beautiful dogs. But something was wrong and I needed to make it right. And I did. I don't think that I ever gave myself enough credit for that. People say how brave to move across the country by yourself. How strong to buy your own home and live alone. How dedicated to work so hard and do so well. And - damnit! - they're right. I keep reminding myself to stop crying for what I don't have, for being different and rejoice who I am. Because this is who I wanted to be. This. Here. Now. This. Me. Stop crying.

What is it that I want to write about?

Him? Haven't the last hundred or so pages been sufficient? When do I get to stop? I'm so done after that last "episode". So done.

Sigh.

It's unfair, you know, how all of those books and movies that I've spent so much time on are misleading. And untrue. And fake. And a sham. Love doesn't happen that way. No one sees you across a crowded room and chases you. No one starts off as an irritant or sparing partner and suddenly becomes the love of your life.

Have I given up? At 34, hanging up my gloves? Oh, I want to. But obviously this pen is making a fool of me. I want it. I want love. I want a relationship. I just doubt that I will find it. I'm different. And it's not because I'm fat and it's not because I've been depressed for so long. I'm just different. Why oh why can I not just go down that same basic path that everyone else seems to be on? Different is lonely. Strength is lonely. Is there anyone out there for me? Anywhere? There must be. How can I find him? Why the fuck do I care, for shit's sake? It's all a joke. Fucking love. My ass. It's heartache and tears and doubt and miscommunication. And faking orgasms and compromise. It's conforming and giving up who you are.

Who needs it? Put in another movie and crack open that tub of ice cream and move on already. Sigh.

Maybe we're just both really horny, he says. Maybe we're just both really horny. I say that I felt bad about the email and there's this deep deep part of me screaming LOVE ME! LOVE ME! Make it all better! And he says maybe we're just both really horny.

And then I whisper thank you and turn off the computer.

Stoopid computer.

Stoopid computer, I said. And it is. Stoopid. The source of our meeting, our first correspondence, the source of tears and nights spent alone. The object of my obsession. And now my friend and confidante. Ha! In a drunken stupor it's more like a sword. In my back. In my heart. Stoopid computer. Please go away. And take him with you.

This is the email that I sent to him on March 19. The subject was "ouch".

"I can't tell you how much you have hurt me. I spent so much time loving you and wanting you. I hope you never get that again. I hope no one ever loves you like I did. I hope I never see you again. Fuck off and be your own warped version of yourself because I really loved you and that's gone now and that's your problem, not mine. I never want to see you again. No matter what I say... I don't want to be your friend. I want nothing from you other than to forget you exist. Goodbye."

Beverly, Beverly, Beverly. One phone call? Almost a week ago? Look at you. Where is the strength? The resolve? You know he's not for you. You know you don't want to be with him. You're happy enough on your own for now. So - what the fuck, girlfriend? Seriously, is there anything he could say that would make you take him back? (yes) Is there anything about him that you actually miss? (yes) WAIT! Let me rephrase that. Is there anything you might miss that's been apparent in the last year or so? (sigh)

It's over. He's gone. He wants to "be friends". He wants to clear his conscience. He wants the girl who giggled at his jokes and moaned at his cock and when he gets his fill he'll be on his way again.

Did he get that assfuck that he was looking for? Is he calling because the three-way is all set up and he needs number 3? And, if not, could you ever trust him now? (yes)

SHUT UP! Repeat after me: Fabe-who? Nope, doesn't ring a bell.

Move on. Don't get sucked in. Things don't change. Things won't change. Let go already.

Because. I. Am. Seriously. Sick. Of. This. Seriously.

And, anyway, why would this even bother me? I know he can't offer what I want and need. I want encouragement and support. I want doors held and toilets fixed. I want comfort and respect and strength. I don't want to wait for someone who can barely spend their time with me. Someone who comes and goes without rhyme or reason or justification. Someone who needs another to complete his sexual needs. Someone who really doesn't want me that much and has told me that they cannot love me.

Who is this naive little girl trying to suppress the fantasies of "what if"? Doesn't she realize yet that "what if" no longer considers him an option, under any circumstance? Silly girl.

Continue your journey, down the path in the opposite direction. There is someone waiting for you. Someone worthy and deserving. Someone who will love you and want you. And only you.

There's nothing left to suck you back in. It's been confronted. And it's gone. And it was never really there to start with. <3

Why did that mutherfucker call me? Doesn't he know how tired I am today? How much I need sleep to be able to face another crazy day? Doesn't he know that I don't want to keep going over and over and over this? Enough. More than enough. Long ago.

As it begins, so does it end. Guilty. Tears sprung to my eyes as I stood for the verdict. She just nodded. I don't feel bad, I don't doubt my decision in the slightest. Maybe it was in compassion for her and all that she will be facing now. Maybe with compassion for all that had happened to her and all that she had done. Because I do not believe in excuses but I do believe in reasons. And she has lead such a horrific life.

During her testimony she said that she was raped for the first time by her friend's father WHEN SHE WAS SEVEN. When I was seven I was chasing around boys and getting in crap for not doing my homework. At eleven, I was still chasing boys (the same boys, oddly enough), she was getting molested by her stepfather and stepbrother. She was living in a car at 13, I was worrying about the prom.

How is it possible that two people could live such extremely different lives?

Tina Marie Mitchell
killed Marjorie Gillan at 5am on September 2, 2004. She drank her booze and did her crack and then she picked up a bat and beat her best friend to death. I hope, I truly hope and maybe need to believe that Marjorie did attack her. I hope that the feared for her life as she struck the first blow. And I hope that she honestly and truly doesn't remember so that she doesn't have to see that scene in her mind, over and over, for the rest of her life. But what she did, and admits to doing, could never be justified. Under any circumstance. And I refuse to believe that I could ever, even in the most extreme circumstance, hurt someone the way she did. I don't think that I will ever forget those pictures. Of the bruises and the bits of brain that you could see through the mass of contusions on her head, of the crack in her skull and the stab wounds on her chest, of the cut across her foot, of the pillow. Oh, that pillow.

It was quite an experience. Seeing how the justice systems works and frustrates. Hearing such intimate details of people that I didn't even know existed. Crying for a woman that had led such a horrifying life that you wonder how she could have survived. And she still fights to survive.

Maybe that was what she needed. I have to believe that from every tragedy, some good must come. Maybe, if this were a movie, she would turn her whole life around. Stay off the drugs, lead a productive life, work to get her son out of foster care and stop the cycle. Stop the cycle.

What could I do, I wonder? Could I help? I really feel that I need to reach out in some way. I have been so blessed. But I've had my share of pain. I am fortunate enough to have friends and family who support me. And a real strength that I always took for granted. The upsetting fact that I am so different from other people is also, in a way, my favourite part of myself. I couldn't have one without the other.

Ah, it really is all about me, isn't it?
All the best, Tina. Godspeed. Godspeed.

The trial started today. My head is swimming with visions and pictures and crushed skulls. And I am so tired, so very tired. Julie and Nicola and I went out on Saturday night. Drunken stupor at Gabby's. Very fun. Julie said something that I keep thinking about. As usual, I was telling her how wonderful she is, how beautiful, how heads turn when she enters a room. And she said something like people don't notice her as much as me, that people crowd around me, life of the party. Feels good that that is what she sees. Any maybe others as well.

I'm awesome! Who knew?
Um... everybody! ;)


Round the table: Bev - Rita - Rich - Carl - Don - Ross - James - Virginia - Carol - Mal - Grant - Kerri

Go to sleep! Sleep! Sleep!

It's been a weird couple of days. He came over last night and we had sex and talked. And ever since I can't stop thinking - who was that person? Who was that? I don't want to be with this guy. And, I guess, just like that I was freed. I know we both changed over the past year or whatever but omigod! That guy is so not the person that I want to be with. I don't even know if I can explain it. Ugh! He's 37 and he sent me an email of his dick? Are you kidding me? I am so not interested. Stunned but so not interested. I'm so not interested that I don't even want to talk about this anymore.

So, still at Karl and Jenny's. I don't mean to be rude but how do people possibly live like this? It's gross here - just gross. At every corner in every room there is something else that I stare at in shock and disbelief! Can you spell gross?

He called today. Called home and then my cell but I was up here babysitting the boys while Karl and Jenny are in Calgary. Anyway, I struggled for a bit with the whatfors and I wonderwhys. Then I said, why not just face it? And I called him back. You know what he said? He was at the Superstore and they had Nintendo games on special and he wondered if I wanted any. He was AT THE SUPERSTORE AND THEY HAD NINTENDO GAMES ON SPECIAL AND HE WONDERED IF I WANTED ANY. WHAT? Shall I say it again?

Well, there you go then. After almost 4 years it is done. Yeah. Again. But this time for real. He doesn't want me. He's been dating other people. I'm glad he told me, though. I know he thinks a lot of me - but as a friend. And I really appreciate that he told me. So, I'll cry for a day or two and move on. Next time it will be different. Next time I won't fall too fast. Next time I'll be chased.

I do need to throw up a little bit, though. Yeah, it's gonna be rough for a bit but much better in the long run, Bevie, much better.

Well, I think I made a big oopsie-poopsie with the Fabe. I sent an email on Sunday morning - rather light hearted in manual form - saying I love you, I would like to see you more, blah, blah, blah. And not a word.

Not that that surprises me but just a little nagging at the base of my skull (or heart?) saying why? Why are you still here? Of course the answer is that I love him. I did a LOT of soul searching last year and the answer was that I want to be with him. That does not, however, make him want to be with me.

And, as my saying goes - whatchagonnado?

I was just watching a movie. And the guy holds her and kisses the top of her head while she sleeps and I think "will anyone ever love me like that?" I've always felt so alone and worthless and I've gone through all of these changes and I'm still alone. Not worthless anymore but not really any less alone, either. Am I kidding myself that this thing with Fabian will ever be any more than it is right now? I'm tired of this, I want more. I don't want to be alone anymore. I want someone's arms around me, I want to feel like someone cares about me, I want to look into someone's eyes and see love there.

I don't understand what is wrong with me? What makes me so different from anyone else? Am I unworthy? Am I not a good person? When does the pain end? When do I get to stop feeling like I'm constantly struggling? I'm tired.

My good god. Do you have any idea how much baggage I have been carrying around for the past 20 years? It just hit me. I mean, I never forgot but it just hit me how much it's stayed with me and how much it influences me. That one little moment changed everything. That sentence. That "I don't want to go out with you anymore". When I was... what? 16? Jesus.

That's why I always hold back for a bit when Fabian comes over. That's why, when he's not with me I think he's with someone else. Because Dave was. And I have never been so humiliated. I never felt so stupid and duped and hurt. And everyone knew. My mother knew. The whole Teen Centre knew. And I was all la-de-da, kiss kiss, tee hee. The one time that I didn't go to the dance.

And I have been trying to avoid feeling like that ever since. And I always thought that it was because she was pretty and she was thin and she was younger. But maybe it was because of how she made him feel. Maybe it was because she made him feel strong and wanted and I was home and didn't show up without even bothering to call.

I still wait that first few minutes to judge his demeaner before I react to him. I've never been able to kiss and love him without some sign that it was okay. It never really occurred to me that he probably wondered why I was always cold at first. It isn't his fault that when I was 16 David Parmiter screwed around on me at a dance with Angela Hardy in front of all of my friends and no one told me and the next day he broke up with me at the Teen Centre in front of all of my friends and I laughed when he said I don't want to go out with you anymore, I laughed and I said yeah, me too. It isn't his fault that somehow in that one moment my heart was broken and while it has been bandaged and healed there is still this little scar that is barely visible. But behind that scar the scar tissue has been building and pushing out the caring feelings that could be there. In that one moment I stopped believing, I stopped trusting. My deepest fears were confirmed - I wasn't good enough. Self-fulfilling prophecy? Maybe. But the fact remains that I never let anyone put me in that position again. And I really don't know if I can start now.

I hate these days. Something just ruptured in my brain this afternoon and made me feel like this murderous rage. Not really. I don't exactly rage. Sometimes I wish I did. Maybe it would be better than sitting alone, crying. Ah, maybe it would be worse. I need something more than work and tv, I know that. Exercise. I'm waiting again. For what? I don't now. Waiting for everything to be perfect so that everything will be perfect. Waiting to not have these days anymore. Stay off the ganga and booze might be a good start. Get some exercise, get off the couch, start some renos or some cleaning or some studying. Something. Something. The problem is, when I feel like this, I don't want to do anything. I can't concentrate on work, I don't feel like reading, tv is boring, exercise is a joke. God. Forever the see-saw. Should I just learn to accept it?

So, things are going good. God, who is this girl? I LOVE HER SO MUCH! I've seen Fabe a couple of times - two actually. Seems like so much more. I love this guy. The doubt is gone, the games are gone, the fear is gone. I'm trying to show him that I've changed and the only way I can do that is to give it time and let him get to know me again. This patience that I have is so funny, so odd, so damn nice. Today I called and asked him over for supper. It was about 4pm. He hadn't shown at 6:45ish so I ate mine. He called a while later and said he was coming over but when he learned that I had eaten he asked if it would be okay that he didn't come over. And it was, it really was. His reaction to my reaction was funny. Lots of 'are you sure it's okay?'s. I kinda wanted to go 'see? see?'.

I'm a little wary of the whole talking thing. It's just not something that I do. How much? And how much is too much? And when? It'll be hard at first but it's the only way that things can be any different long term.

I freakin' wanna marry this guy!

Ohmigod, am I all growed up or what???

I finally started exercising again. I was bored and cranky-ish yesterday afternoon and decided to heed my "what will make me feel better" list and hopped on my stationary bike. Feels good. I've really been struggling with the moods for the past few months. Not really lows - except a bit in Newfoundland - but definite swings. Kind of not wanting to work, sleeping lots, not wanting to eat, having trouble concentrating. Moving should make it a bit better, although my tennis butt is painful at times (need to see hot Doctor Dave!).

My eating is really weird, too. I don't feel like eating. Seriously, I could care less. Just don't want anything. Then I pig out - probably from habit or boredom than from hunger. Like today. I was getting ready for work and did 30 minutes on the bike so I had a banana. Got a bagel at Tims on the way to work because I wasn't hungry but had to have something. Had a powerbar at noon. Found a Nutrigrain bar shortly after that so I ate it. Came home to have lunch and put a Lean Cusine in the microwave, was revolted before even taking a bite so I threw it out and had some chips. Fell asleep on the couch for half an hour. Ordered from Boston Pizza and had 2 sour keys, 5 hot wings and a small pizza. I'm totally stuffed and didn't want to eat to begin with. Now I'm trying to talk myself into a Blizzard. Control, Bevie. I need to start tracking calories again.

Interesting day. I had my settlement negotiation meeting for the lawsuit today. They were quite complimentary of me. They said - both sides - that it was my honesty and personality that doubled the settlement. All three lawyers said together and separately that it was odd to see. So, it turns out, that moral standards do pay. All of those people that said milk it and get all you can were wrong. Not that I needed that validation to live my life as I do but it was nice, I have to say.

So, the settlement came to $31,500. When all is said and done, I will receive about $15,000. With my wage loss and expenses topping $10.000, I am comfortable with that. I don't feel that I have scammed anyone. I would say that it won't keep me up at night but here I am. I am now more financially secure than at any other time in my life. I have a mortgage and my condo is earning equity solidly. All of my credit card debt is paid. I am taking home a comfortable pay that allows me to pay my bills and have just a touch left over at the end of the day. (of course, the outstanding tax debt story will left for another day!) So what the hell am I supposed to do with $15,000? Holy shit! My first instinct is save save save. Then I come home and think a new tv would be nice. Should I get a new computer? Or that area rug at Pier One? New speakers and thingamajigger? Upgrade my car? Is there any left? I don't want it to waste away. I think I'll take $10,000 for savings - mutual funds and GIC, half and half maybe. The rest I'll put in my savings account and spend some to fix up the pad. But I have to control the excess.

Just got off the phone with the Fabe. I'm a little weirded out. This is such a messed up feeling sometimes. It's like I don't know how to react to certain things. And then I don't know if my reactions that I do have are real or habit. Like we were talking about threesomes, which we've discussed a million times, and I really felt jealous when he mentioned that he knew someone that might be interested. And then I started thinking am I really jealous or is it just the way I always used to react? But then I was like - I don't want to play these games now so I don't know if I could do something like that and survive it. But do I tell him that? Because I don't know where he's at with all of this. Is it just sex to him or does he want to consider more? Shit. How do I do this? This is going to be a rough time in some ways, I think. But I know I need to try. For real this time. No games. And let's see.

Seriously, how did I survive before? How did I live for all of those years without this kind of happiness? I know I wasn't down every day but the happy days were usually an obsessive excitement. I don't remember being deep down happy, confident, in love with my life. Consistently. Without that question in the back of my head: what next? When's the next swing?

Well, that was a long, drawn out entry. Let's see if I can expand on it a bit...

Our Fabian came over for dinner the other night. Ohmygad! I thought I would pass out with all of those orgasms. Sweet! He didn't come though. Interesting. The real interesting part is that I don't feel bad about it. Before I would be thinking he didn't like me or didn't enjoy himself. Well, silly girl - he was there so he must like you and he was rock hard and smiling so he must have had an okay time! And now the waiting begins. Waiting to see what is the next step. Initially, I thought under no circumstance would I contact him first. He has to chase me (that's a strong word but I can't think of another) for this to work. Then I was thinking that, after all, I'm the one really trying to make amends here. I am the one trying to regain his trust. I won't become a mad woman or anything but I do feel that I will need to take a few extra steps. And most of all, the answer is time. Time to heal, time to get to know each other again, time to rebuild (or start to build for the first time) trust. I don't know where this will go but I love him. I really do. I need to learn to communicate and consider his perspective but bottom line is I love him. So I'll wait. At the same time, - Oh, I'll get into that another day...

I had sex last night. Yep! You read that right, sister. I'd really rather not disclose who it was with. Shea! Likely!

I wrote this last night before I went to sleep. I thought that I would re-read it today and then email it to him. I went to sleep knowing that I would send it. And he would reply. And we would live happily ever after. And my first thought when I woke up this morning? NO WAY! I'm not sending that! But here it is, for what it's worth.

"Sad, huh? Practically begging for a snippet of attention, believing that you will indeed call when you say you will or help me with my computer or whatever excuse that I come up with to see you. When I ran into you at the theatre the other day, all I could think about was climbing in your window and ripping your clothes off. Apparently, you didn't have a similar reaction.
I know that I am probably a fool for holding on so long, for thinking that we have something special between us. I know that you don't trust in the changes in me and that you have no reason to. But I also know that, as much as a part of me feels that I should move on and leave you alone, a bigger part tells me to stay. I care for you and I want you in my life. I'm not running, I'm not hot and cold, I'm not confused. And, while I realize that I'm probably kidding myself, I'm going to stick it out for a little while longer."

I need a leash. I need to restrained. Tied up And not in a good way! ;) Remember, Beverly.... PMS. Everything is a little exaggerated right now. Every feeling is a little stronger and harder to deal with than usual.

And, anyway - get your head out you ass, already! Don't you remember? If he's not calling - not showing up when he says - avoiding you. It means he's just not that into you. Stop making excuses for him. It's your own fault. He was into you. Circumstances changed. And maybe he never was and never could be into you the way you always wanted him to be. How long will it take to accept that? He doesn't care back. And even if he does in some weird warped way at the base of his small cold heart, he'll never let it out. He'll never trust you again. Could we not let go already? Do you still enjoy this torture just a bit? How very 15 of you. Get a backbone and a new vibrator and move on. Something will happen for you someday when you are ready. For now this yo-yo is not creating any positive vibes for you.

I need this to end! How long is this going to drag out? I thought all of this was over! The giddiness and tears. Let go! Motherfuck!

I feel... distracted, unsettled, bored. It's been all week or so. The other day I made a list in my mind. What will make me feel better/what won't make me feel better. It went something like this:

What WON'T make me feel better
1. food
2. sex
3. cigarettes
4. pot
5. alcohol
6. Fabian
7. shopping

What WILL make me feel better
1. exercise
2. healthy diet
3. schedule

It's pretty simple, it always has been. The actions I took in the past to make me feel right did the exact opposite in the long run. The shitty part is that I feel so shitty that I keep doing the shitty stuff. Get you shitty ass to the gym, woman!

So, funny little story... how sad is it that I get so excited over these little things but this is the fun of life, I suppose. First, the background:

I called Fabe on Monday to let him know that I was back and he could come pick up his chips, left a message. He called Tuesday night. We were on the phone for an hour and a half, shooting the shit. He ended the call saying he would call the next day and come to help with my computer. Believe it or not, shock of all shocks, he didn't call. But I said to myself (and I knew it was me because I recognized my voice), I said self, maybe something came up. Or maybe nothing came up and he just forgot. Or maybe he remembered and wanted to leave me hanging. Or maybe he was just trying to get off the phone and he never intended to come over at all. But, either way, there was absolutely nothing that I could do about it at that moment. So I read my book and had a nice evening.

Anyway, today I played hooky from work and decided to go to the movie. Guess who was sitting in his car in the parking lot? Go ahead - just guess! Nope. It was Fabe himself. Looking mighty fine, might I add. I ran over and said hi but it was raining and my movie was starting so we only spoke for a minute. He said he barely recognized me, most likely because I'm so gosh-darned hot! That is the first time I saw him since June (fuck - just realized that it's almost nine months since I had sex! What a terrible slump!)

Who knows what's going to happen? I believe in fate. I believe that if it's going to be, it will be. I believe that if it isn't going to be, it isn't supposed to be. One way or your mother, there's not much I can do at this point. He has to come to me and I don't know if he will. He has many reasons to stay away and not many to believe in the changes in me. I have trouble believing them myself and I am me!

So, we'll just let it ride. But I'd really just like to ride him! Tee hee!

Holy shit! The year's half over! Any-hoo...

So, here's an interesting development - yes, I am going to talk about Fabian so back off!! :)

Somewhere someday something went click. (I know, stop with all the specific details already!) Seriously, though, I don't remember what was going on only that I was watching TV or something and all of a sudden I thought "why is he so mean to me?" which was shortly followed by "and why do I let him?" And everything inside me just went ahhhhh and relaxed like a breath of fresh air. Here I am , relieved. And the funny part is I'm not pissy, I'm not excited, I'm not frustrated, there are no extreme emotions at all. I still love him, I still want him, I'm just not going to do anything and everything within my power to get him back. Normally, that's exactly what I'd be thinking, which would be followed by severe hurt and anger when I would push all thoughts of him away. Then I would inevitably get an email or call from him and start the cycle again. This time seems different (so far, anyway) and it's really hard to explain why. So, we'll see. When I get home I will call him to let him know that he can pick up his chips and stuff - no delivery or mail options. He can pick it up if he wants for not and we'll go from there. One way or your mother. Click!

Here I am - somewhere over Canada - slightly bored although I have tons that I can do. Sleep would be nice. Mmmm! I got unbelievably, disgustingly drunk Friday night. You may have noticed - if you can decipher my last entry. Apparently 1.5L of wine, then beer, then Screech is not a good idea. Go figure! Mom so pissed me off! I got really mad. Fuck! Pick, pick, pick, pick. Am I 12? If I get foolish and have some fun why does she do those damn looks and tsk, tsk's? Of course, the fact that I let it bother me is part of the problem. What else is new? I really stayed away from her this trip. No late night drunken talks. When she was drinking, I was elsewhere. Where did this woe is me personality come from? "If I don't do the dishes, no one else will." "Notice how I always do the trips to the airport?" God, I would have rathered walk when she starts saying stuff like that. How to reply to that kind of stuff? Yes, you are right. You are amazing, a saint, a martyr. And she does do a lot and she is amazing and I totally believe in tooting your own horn but come one already! Exorcise the Verlie!!!

Anyhoo!

Yeah. Drunk. But fucking pissed. So pissed at Ma. Beyond. Time to go tute suite. Cuz fuck you.

I have become fascinated by this book "How to Win Friends and Influence People". It was written in the 30's and most of the stuff oddly holds true still. I guess human nature hasn't changed fundamentally. Anyway, here are the points the guy makes... I want them here for periodic review!

FUNDAMENTAL TECHINQUES IN HANDLING PEOPLE
1. don't criticize, condemn or complain
2. give honest and sincere appreciation
3. arouse in another and eager want


SIX WAYS TO MAKE PEOPLE LIKE YOU
1. become genuinely interested in other people
2. smile
3. remember that a person's name is, to that person, the sweetest and most important sound in any language
4. be a good listener, encourage people to talk about themselves
5. talk in terms of the other person's interests
6. make others feel important - and do it sincerely

HOW TO WIN PEOPLE TO YOUR WAY OF THINKING
1. the only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it
2. show respect for the other person's opinions, never say "you are wrong"
3. if you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically
4. begin in a friendly way
5. get the other person saying "yes, yes" imediately
6. let the other person do a great deal of the talking
7. let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers
8. try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view

BE A LEADER - HOW TO CHANGE PEOPLE WITHOUT GIVING OFFENSE OR AROUSING RESENTMENT
1. begin with praise and honest appreciation
2. call attention to people's mistakes indirectly
3. talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person
4. ask questions instead of giving direct orders
5. let the other person save face
6. praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement, be "hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise"
7. give the other person a fine reputation to live up to
8. use encouragement, make the fault seem easy to correct
9. make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest

I get frustrated quite often when I want to write in here. Or write in general, I guess. It's sometimes difficult to express what is going on in my brain. It's sometimes random and scattered.

As we all know, I have been quite conscious of my moods over the last few years. I watch for the changes and cycles, I-don't-want-to's and tears. I'm pretty much in control of my brain now but I still have times when I revert. Usually not in a large way or for long but backward movement, nonetheless. I can directly relate it to lack of exercise, rest and healthy eating though, so I guess that's where the feeling of control comes from. The past couple of days I have been suffering from the blahs. Just spending lots of time alone, not quite as quick to laugh and tears come more frequently. I think the booze and weird sleep schedule also has an impact.

My mother seems to be getting somewhat p.o.'ed at me and I am certainly easily irritated by her. Mostly due to the abuse that she takes from that asshole, Calvin. I could punch him in the mouth every time I hear him speak, I swear. And she just takes it. But he kissed her goodbye so that means he can be controlling and obnoxious. Pardon me while I walk away - quickly.

God, I hate these days when I revert and just can't stop crying. I hate the feeling of loneliness that overwhelms me. The desire for someone to come and just put their arms around me, take care of me, love me. And I think a small part of me revels in it - the familiar, the known. I lived this way for much longer than the new girl. But there is no comfort, no hugging. Still and always only this grief that I cannot explain, tears for which there is no reason. And a loneliness that feels as if it will last forever.

At least now I know better than to think it's because I haven't heard from Fabian or because I have lost my mother - maybe a mother that only existed in my fantasies, anyway. Ha! The same could be said about Fabe, too, though. Now I just let it come and swallow me, chew me up and spit me out - then I go about my business. The end is so much easier than the beginning but recognizing it's new swiftness is the easiest of all. Hang on, hang on.

Newfie time.

I'm sitting here on Debra's bed, re-reading this journal as has become somewhat of a New Year's tradition for me. I am awed and amazed at the changes in me during the past two years. Although I was warned, I do regret getting rid of those old journals. Now that would be some entertaining reading. Anyway, I realized that I write here when something emotional is going on with me and I want to work it out. Which is absolutely the reason for this book and this process but I leave out so many details of what happens in my life.

So here is a review of 2005:

Where to start? Maybe January, huh? ;) In January I stopped going to physiotherapy and started chiropractic treatment for my tennis butt. The results have been absolutely amazing. Where the physio guy advised rest and minimal amounts of movement, Dave said move as much as possible. Stretch, bend, run, jump, move. And he worked on the muscle tissue around the joint and said that was why it was popping back out so easily. And now, and I say this after a great deal of pain during the past two weeks of my vacation (strained it while packing), it rarely gives me trouble.

I completed my very first Vancouver Sun Run in April. I placed somewhere in the middle of 50,000 people so I was pretty proud. I have started and stopped training a dozen times since but I'm looking forward to getting home and getting serious about it again.

What other highlights? I saw Duran Duran in concert fulfilling a lifelong dream. It was pretty awesome. I went bungee jumping in July. That was crazy awesome and a real turning point in my life. Getting off that bridge was the most difficult and exciting thing I have ever done and it really gave me a confidence in myself and my capabilities that I never had before. A week later I went wake boarding and a couple of days after that I quit smoking for the very last time.

Another major change was my work. I stopped doing everything except Joe's and finally realized how stressed and pulled in every possible direction I was. And it had turned me into a bitch. Now I can work 40 or 60 hours a week but when I leave work I leave work. No guilt, no hiding, no more being constantly overwhelmed. And I have more money than ever. I cut back on all of my expenses, got a new mortgage with Joe, paid off all of my credit cards, got a will and p.o.a., a safe deposit box, life insurance! My to-do list is finally getting cut down after all of these years.

I stopped being a yes girl with work and life. I now feel more generous and giving than ever before because I give on my terms, not because of guilt or pressure. My relationships have blossomed with Stacey and Sue. I'm working on Cathy but that might be a full entry. I made a difference in Sheena's life and earned the trust and respect of her friends. That has been very rewarding and I feel that I have made a positive impact on her future. I really do need to make more of an effort to spend time with her now that I have changed offices. And I need to make more of a point to see my boys, too, because I really miss them and they are aging and I want them to feel loved and cherished.

There are still ongoing struggles with the men (or lack of!) in my life. That one has been a common theme for most of my 34 years. And will probably continue for a while yet but, as I said before, even if I spent the rest of my life alone, the sacrifice was worth it and I will survive and be happy. I feel whole. I like my brain. I like my heart and I like the reflection in the mirror.

What a year! Now I should go celebrate with my family.

I think I might have hit the nail on the head with that too gushy talk. I think that might be it. I just over did it and kept telling someone how wonderful they are without ever giving them a chance to be wonderful. And the only people that attracted was low self-esteemers like Karl and Fabe. So I'm practising not.

Another thing that clicked with week is I finally thought - what the hell am I waiting for? I have spent most of my life waiting for my life to start. Guess what? Pretty much half over already.

I'm tired and want to write more than I'm capable of. I guess I'll have to get back to ya!

Well, yesterday my attitude was fuck them all, who needs a man? I was going to put away my porn and other sexual devises and wait for the sexual urges to go away and live in peace and happiness.

And today that stupid little optimist inside me said back up. Mom always said that I would cut off my nose to spite my face and I know it's true. And maybe someday, somewhere, somehow someone will love me and it won't be work or painful or frustrating.

But I'm obviously doing something wrong. Boys just don't like me. I know it's not because I'm fat because I get rejected by people who've never even seen me. Over and over, same old song and dance. For a lifetime. I have to be doing something wrong. Do I come on too strong? My version of flirting is super-duper sometimes over the top gushing flattery. Maybe that's where I should start. But how? It's 34 years of being who I am. I'm missing something somewhere but what? And where?

So, yeah, it's been a frustrating day. I mean, I love this new brain and I love knowing that the frustrations and problems are temporary. I just wish I could turn it off sometimes, you know? Just that whole male/female, why doesn't he like me, am I not good enough crap. I know I'm good enough. I know that if someone doesn't like me it's not personal and that there could be nothing between us anyway. I know that the past is past is past.

But it's frustrating that everything is always so hard. Why am I the only one with no one to love me? And not getting married? And not having kids? And I don't even want those things. So WHY am I so different and everything is a struggle?

I know I always get emotional at the weekend of my period. Maybe that's all it is. Otherwise I'm okay with it all. Or I can push it away, at least. But I'm lonely. I want to be in a relationship. There - I said it. But most of all I just want to turn the emotions off and go climb under something. But I can't do that anymore. The down side of this medication is that I have to deal with stuff instead of sleeping for a week. So maybe I'm really not ready to get involved anyway. Not that I have a choice.

I don't know. I just don't.

MOTHER FUCKER! What is wrong with me? Now that I have a "normal" mind I thought this would stop. I HATE men. If I wasn't so fucking horny I would see no use for them whatsoever. I want to stop. WHAT THE FUCK HAVE THEY EVER DONE FOR ME? EVERY SINGLE FUCKING ONE OF THE CREATES NOTHING BUT TROUBLE. Can't I turn this off? Can't I just swear off men forever and just be fucking happy for while? FUCK!!

It's so sad. So embarrassing, really. How is it, after all of this time, that I still consider him a viable option? In the three and a half years that I have known him it's been game after game after game. But I don't want to play anymore. I want to let go and move on. Why can't I let go? I jumped off the bridge, I quit smoking. I can convince myself of anything. And it's time to start working on de-faberizing once and for all. Sadly, I'm so brave until he gives me a snippet of attention and fans the eternal flame of home. Mutherfucker.

Well, here's an interesting story. I decided to move on - as you can see by the last entry. And Rebecca mailed her "I found you a man" message - funny. And then I met this guy - a DHL tech - and get an instant crush. I was so excited to have a crush, to have broken the spell.

And the very next day - yesterday - he called. Fucker! He's got this weird sixth sense or something. Pisses me off. And, of course, I'm picking out rings and picking first dance songs and all we did was talk for half an hour. But he was Fabian. Fabe. You know? And I'm a little drunk so I'm gonna go karaoke. Cheers!

HE DOESN'T WANT YOU, BEVERLY

LET GO AND FIND SOMEONE WHO DOES!

FOR FUCK'S SAKE ALREADY

It's almost seven months. Seven months! And still I lie here awake and wonder what I could do or say to get him back. What made me actually pull out the pen was that I started thinking about the book that I bought for his birthday and how much trouble I went through to get it. And he knew. And I was thinking that I was okay during the good times - I obviously tried to make him happy. I just didn't know what to do when that didn't work. If anyone in this world that could understand that, it should be him. And I wonder if he's with someone new. A big part of me really hopes that he is so I'll know that I didn't totally fuck him up. Although I don't want to know if he is. It surprises me but I just don't want to know. Is it that I just don't want to let go? Because, seriously, I need a pepto every time I think of it. And that part of me that doesn't want to know, that glimmer of hope that someday out of the blue, he'll call, still says a silent prayer every fucking time the phone rings or I check my email.

Seven months ago I was saying why would I want to be with this guy, he's not the one for me so why should I even bother. And tonight I'm lying here thinking that I wish I could just erase it all from his memory and start with a clean slate. And who knows? Maybe some day, some year it will be him and I will get a chance. Or maybe all this means that better things are right around the corner.

Well, I'm sitting here by the phone, waiting for him to call. Well, literally, I am by the phone but - and I do want him to call - I'm not desperate for it. Just trying to have faith that he will call and hope that it's not too late.

It's funny, though. I'm not afraid to give, I'm not afraid to bear my soul to him, I'm not afraid to let him inside. Is it because I don't think he'll want to? Or is it because, just by recognizing that all I have held back, I will now be able to give it?

What I don't know is what to do or say to make him forgive me. How do I get him to trust in me again? Is that even possible? The funny thing is also that, even if he is with someone else, I think he will eventually recognize that we belong together.

Just call, Fabian. Just call.

So, if the silver lining of the horse accident was that it made me hit rock bottom and straighten my life out, then maybe the silver lining in this one is that it will bring Fabian back to me. Or at least take me off his black-ball list and open a window.

He called yesterday. Of course, I have us walking down the aisle (so to speak! so to speak!) and he wouldn't talk about anything but the accident. But, like a said, a window.

And here's another interesting thing that I've been thinking about. I honestly had no idea that I had so many issues with my mother but a new one came to light yesterday.

I called to tell her about the accident. I'm talking away and I could tell she was barely listening. And then she's like "well I should go and cook breakfast for your father". I spent the whole night waiting for it to be a time that I could call home and that's what I get. About 10 minutes of her distracted conversation and then nothing. And I could say well, really, the accident wasn't that bad. No one was seriously injured and yes, we were very lucky that it turned out as it did. But she always does this. She always has. Even, I remember when Dave and I had the bike accident, a few days later I had a lot of back pain and I could barely breathe. I was so scared. But she said to dad 'you take her to the emergency room because I'm cooking supper.

I remember when I was younger, before Debra and I would be so excited about something and waiting all day for her to finally come home from work and when she did I would run and greet her at the door and she'd tell me to leave her alone for a while. I knew she worked hard and was tired but I was a little kid! And things like that happened often. I started doing everything I could to make her happy, to make her life easier. Obviously I was a kid and not an angel but all the babysitting and housework. And if I didn't want to, she'd just start in on the guilt trip. And when I would go to her for a hug - I was near suicidal as a teenager for christ sake - she always ALWAYS pulled away first, before I was ready. No wonder I have spent my adult years wanting to reach out for a hug but never doing so. And the couple of times that Fabian make me stay and cry. I pulled away first. Not because I was ready to but because I felt like I was - I don't know - inconveniencing him or something.

And yesterday was the first time that I really thought 'you know, that hurt me and it's always hurt me'. I feel myself reaching out to her less and less. And less. I won't talk to her about it at all because she'll pull a Verlie Winter and I really have no time or patience for that. She has gone from the being my world to being my irriation. And that's sad. But what's really sad is that I don't even care anymore. And I mean it's really sad for her because she's losing me.

Oh, the irony of it all! I was in a car accident tonight - last night, I guess. Fuckin' bitch! Just t-boned me when she went through a red light. How inconsiderate of me to interrupt her phone conversation.

Anyway, that was just after 5pm. So I came home... oh yeah, I forgot to mention that she slammed into my door and my head bounced off the window. So I came home in a bit of pain. Neck, shoulder, head, nice red blotch all down my face (which will probably turn a lovely shade of purple). Couldn't sleep - as seems to be the norm for me in these situations. What a fucking bitch! So I got a little upset and called Fabian. His phone was off but I left a message and he hasn't replied.

Anyway, the irony that I began with is that I'm finally reaching out. After all of this time, I finally needed him and turned to him. But it's too late. He's gone.

And I can't sleep. Fucking bitch!

It's kind of funny - and yet kind of sad - but I'm still waiting for him to contact me. I'm pretty sure he won't because his responses to me since we broke up the last time have been different. But there is this glimmer of hope that has yet to fade away. I periodically dream that he emails me back and it drives me crazy because I have such hope when I check my email for the first time that day. And sometimes when I imagine him he's saying I love you and sometimes he's saying leave me alone.

But I have this amazing patience about the whole deal. It's very weird. I know that I am waiting for him and he will either contact me and all will be fine or he won't and the hope will eventually just peter out. And that's okay. I love this version of me and I know that whatever happens will work out for the best.

Okay, so that was Saturday night and still no response. Not that I honestly expected one, I just felt that I needed to lay it all out there or I'd never know.

I am going to step back like I said I would and trust him to make the right decision. And if his decision is to be without me - and who could blame him, quite frankly - then I will respect that. And I will know that he's not the one that I should be with.

I have an itchy suspicion that something isn't right with him, though. I hope I am wrong. I hope he's with someone else and happy. It's odd maybe that I should feel that way but I really want him to have someone who loves him, who will get him to open his heart. I don't want to see it, I don't want to hear about it, I just hope for it.

This is the email that I sent last night at 9:30.

"The Fabe: So, I went all boo-hoo on you a couple of weeks ago and spilled all of these words all over you and I bet that you were thinking that nothing was new, nothing had changed, you had been here before and you had no interest in being here again. But, you know, this is just my supposition. I really don't know what you were thinking or feeling because I haven't been in your life for six months. And I would like to point out that the same goes for what you know about me so, please, just lend me your eyes for a little bit and then I will back away and let you take the next step in whatever direction you choose.

Because I love you, Fabian. Whatever you think or feel about me, know that I love you and that has never stopped for a minute. But, obviously, that's not enough. If it was, I wouldn't be here and you wouldn't be there. It's not enough, but it's a start.

I realize that you hold very little respect for my depression problems of days long gone and my subsequent medication. And I'm okay with that because, even if those pills are just coated candy and it's all a total scam, they are working. I am different and I am happy and that's all I need to know. What I need you to know is how they have changed me and how I am dealing with that.

I used to live my life in a series of very high ups and very low downs. You met me during a high, confident in myself and my life. But you also saw the downs because that was when I would cry all of the time and push you away. And I know now that the times that I pushed you away was a reaction to the downs, not to you personally. I pushed everything away during the downs - I changed jobs, provinces, friends, homes - but I still would get down. That was how I finally realized that it wasn't where I worked or lived that was the problem. It was something in me.

But here's the problem. For the better part of 20 years I dealt with things in a certain way, then all of a sudden the downs were gone. What I didn't realize while I was pushing away all of those things is that I didn't develop beyond there. It's like I would be up and go to step one and then step two and then step three and I would be down again. I never learned step four or five. For example, last year I very easily lost 30 pounds. Now, I have lost 30 pounds at least four times in my adult life but then I would hit a down and gain it all back - and then some. So last year I lost 30 pounds and stopped. I didn't gain it back because there was no down but I couldn't figure out how to get to step four, I couldn't easily get beyond where I had been before. But I'm happy to say that I am now on step five or whatever (it's an analogy - back off!! ;-))

And then there is you. I don't know if you realize this but the way that I have dealt with you over the past three years is how I have dealt with every man that I have cared about: the break up and getting back together over and over. But I never got to step four. You wonder how I can be friends with my ex's? It's because I never got in deep enough to get hurt when it ended. I used to wonder how I kept finding these men who kept me at arm's length but I never realized that the mental patient (that's me!) was the one pushing away.

So, enter last April when Debra was visiting. You would call and I was constantly on the go and didn't always call back. And then you stopped calling. I never once even considered the fact that I could just pick up the phone and say "hey, how's it going?" No, I just did what I always did - pretty much nothing - and when you finally called I said let's stop the cycle. But the problem was that I just didn't know step four... I had never gotten beyond where we were.

And I thought my feelings would fade away and I'd just move on like I always did but they haven't. And, here I am, six months later, saying I don't want to go to step one with someone else. Since the day I met you I haven't wanted anyone else, I only wanted you. I need you in my life. I have always been so self involved that I thought I never ever ever would need a man but I thought needing meant to pay the mortgage or fix the toilet. I was wrong (I know - hard to believe yet somehow true!). I need you to love and to lean on, I need you to show me that maybe you don't always have to take the knives from the left (yeah, you didn't know that one I bet!) and to show me that maybe it's okay when plans change and everything doesn't happy the way I expected it to. And your great big dick helps, too!

So, here I am, asking for one last chance. I really have changed, you know... and not only physically but check this out, I'm way cuter now! (insert pics)

Also, I quit smoking in July, I am FINALLY in control of my finances, I work from 5am to 3pm every day (yes, me - 5am!), I'm nice to small animals, I got my shit together! And the biggest change is that, as scary as it might be, right now I am putting everything that I have always clung to on the line, I am putting my heart out there for you to bruise, crush or embrace and I am trusting that whatever choice you make will be the right one.

So, I don't know your situation now: you might be with someone else, you might hate me, you might just simply be sick of me, but I'm asking you for one more chance. I'm not saying it will be all sunshine and roses and I'm not saying jump back into my life full swing. Just get to know me again. I think you might be glad you did."

My god, I hope my mother never has a

Yeah, let's just let that one lie. It's not worth the chance. ANYWAY!

So, here's the funny thing. I had a major break through today! I was so blown away because it totally makes sense. And it's so simple!

I've been driving myself crazy trying to figure out what it is that makes me break up with those boys. For my whole life, I break up and get back together and break up. And here's what I've come up with. And pay close attention because this is good stuff!

Since I was 15 or so (and maybe that's why the summer that I was 15 stands out as such a turning point in my life - maybe that's when it all really started) I have been battling this depression. I didn't know what it was but I knew there was something. And looking back, I really used to wonder if it was PMS to the extreme but that didn't really make sense because of the timing. (GOD - I AM SO SMART!) But how it was like PMS was that it came in cycles. My world went up and down and up and down; where now it's more consistent.

So, let's say in high school, the cycle was:

I'm okay, I feel good about me
little bit of bickering, I need time alone
there's something wrong
I have to make this hurting stop so where is it coming from
must be a boy because our relationship went for shit
get away from me, you are making me sad
okay now I can feel okay again and get on with it
I feel good about me
let's get back together.

That's the cycle in a nutshell. That's why, after a couple of years, Dave became like "okay, if that's the way you want it, I will leave you alone - talk to you next week". And it would piss me off at the time but he was always right.

And that cycle never stopped. With Paul and with Jeff to a lesser degree, then Karl and then especially Fabian. Obviously, it had to be me - I was the only common denominator. But I was really worried last week because in trying to figure this out I realized that in my mind was that I wanted to be with someone else and then I'd break up. But it wasn't that at all. I would be having a hard time and push the guy away because I need to be alone when I'm sad, then I would go down even further and think it had to be the relationship that was making me sad so that must go and I will find better and life would be perfect. And another reason that I knew it wasn't that I was just a selfish bitch who thought this guy wasn't good enough was because it was the same with everything - whatever was to blame for causing this cycle. Friends, jobs, living situation, family, my fat, my looks, and on and on and on. Because there had to be a reason. I've been crying every day for a week - there has to be a reason! I just didn't find the right reason.

And my "from scratch" theory comes into it, too. Each cycle, on the way up, I would be thinking I have to stop this and this is what the problem is and when I stop it life will be perfect. I can start from scratch and lose weight and get a new job and move to a new place. And all of these things kept me going, kept me occupied and then I could start again. The cycle was me going in circles because I got to a certain point and the world came crashing down again and so on.

Here is my struggle now because this is still evolving. I am having super concentrate teenage years and learning about myself for real at lightning speed.

Solid start from scratch and step one - I would start exercising - yadda, yadda, yadda. But I would get to step three and fall back down to step one. And I never got past step three. So here I am at step four and five and six and I'm lost. I've never been here before and I don't know what I'm supposed to do next. I lost 30 pounds and stopped. I have lost 30 pounds four different times in my adult life - but I have never lost more. That's where it stopped because there would inevitably be a crash

-- fuck, figuring this stuff out is awesome! --

and the eating and self loathing came back and so did the pounds. So last year, chemically enhanced, I lost 30 pounds and stopped. And I kept it off - for the first time ever - but I didn't know where to go next because I never had before. And I tried this and that but nothing seemed to work. And it was quite frustrating. And now I'm pretty sure I figured it out and the weight will fall off naturally. there is no more binging because I don't feel those extremes anymore.

And, so, way back in April when I was feeling a little frustrated with Fabian, and we didn't talk for a little bit - step three - when I got past that, I didn't know where to go next. Because I never had. I could have just called him and said hey, how's it going? But it escalated and I didn't call and he didn't call and all of a sudden two months had passed and all I could think was that this isn't what I want. After three years this is as far as we've come? So I said let's stop the cycle. What I didn't realize was that the cycle had already stopped and what I was having trouble with was how, for the first time in my life, do I get to the next step?

Okay, I'll give you a topic:

"The depression cycle and how it pertains to the men in my life"

Concentrate on the "from scratch" theory.

Talk amongst yourselves!!