Wow, that last entry was a mind blower, huh? My hand still hurts a little from that one! Anyway, the feeling hasn't passed so maybe I can articulate it this time.

Old habits. That's the problem. Chocolate and chips. Ice cream and McDonald's. Tight pants and cigarettes. I know it's all a process - this life change - but I feel I'm going backwards right now. I'm sure it's just to remind me where I've been and where I'm headed. Where I want - NEED - to go. How weird. Just writing this and it not turning into how horrible I am and how much my life sucks shows some major progress. Guess it's time to get back up and start again. Eventually it will click. I just know it.

I feel better, thanks.

I'm a little pissed off with myself right now.

I know that I'm some kind of nymphomaniac pervert whore but I'm so damn horny! But is it worth the trouble? I just see visions of the same old same old and I don't want that. I want to meet a nice guy and fall in love. And he'll be nice to me. And he'll buy me flowers and he'll take my hand and I'll feel comfortable and confident to take his. And he'll be adventurous and active and fun. All of the things that I once thought Fabian was. All of the things that I think he was. But I can't take the distance, the insecurities. The things that he doesn't even recognize as insecurities. Or admit to. Heck, maybe it's true what he says - that he just doesn't have that capacity. Maybe he never did. And maybe he never will. And maybe I should stop worrying about it and move on.

But I have moved on - these are just last lingering doubts, ready to be suffocated once and for all. I'm not lonely. I have more than enough to keep me occupied and happy and satisfied. It's just the sex, the touching, the heat, the excitement.

I'm probably going to attack him when he comes with his taxes. All I can hope is that he turns me down.

So, I was just reading an article in Cosmo and thought I would stop and take note. It's about being a blabbermouth, basically. And I am so a blabber mouth. Not about other people - I'm a good secret keeper - but about me? Total word vomit! It really bugs me sometimes. I'll start telling a story sometimes and the next thing I know I'm telling moment by moment, word for word. And most of the time I really don't need to. Or want to. I do it with everyone. Mom, Stacey, Julie, guys... look at me - I'm even doing it here!! I think I am too detail oriented. Maybe that's why I have so much trouble writing. It gets so involved. Stories and whatnot. Or maybe I have trouble writing because I talk so damn much! Who me? So maybe I'll just try to keep the details in here. It sure would be less boring for everyone! Even me.

Well, the fabe called the other day. On the 10th actually. Our 3 year anniversary of meeting. Ha! How romantic! Anyway, we haven't spoken since the day before Debra and Andrea left so it was a full month. I just stopped returning his calls and he just stopped calling. And I was glad.

I felt cowardly and weird about it. I was just so sick of breaking up with the guy, you know? And I had no reason - I just didn't want to talk to him anymore. I moved beyond the whole "relationship" (joke) and I was finding him irritating. So, anyway, he called and I said hello and he said hello (see? details!) and I said how's it going and then the whole 'is that all you have to say after all this time? Blah, blah, blah. It did hit me at one point during the whole diatribe (is that a word? hang on - yep, and I think I even used it in the right context!) So it hit me that all that blabbing 'why don't you love me' crap used to come from me. Was I really that person? I'm glad she's sleeping now. And, after all that, he says that he called because the tax department is after him and I promised to do his taxes. Can you believe that??? "Well, I wasn't going to call because I wanted to see how long it would take for you to call me". LAMEO! L-A-M-E-O!!!!

Anyway, I might have sex with him. We'll see.

I'm awesome weird, man!

Back on the plane, going in the other direction this time. That was good - good trip. One of the best. Quite possibly the best. Weird how things go. Spent the whole trip talking myself into and out of moving back. Of course the first few days were rough. But good at the same time being such of a family gathering and so many visitors. About 230 people were in and out of the funeral home in 3 days so the man couldn't have been too bad, hey?

The night of the funeral I stayed at Nan's for the night. She's got some serious life altering stuff going on and some pretty big decisions to make. I hope for so much for her right now I can't even say.

Debra and I had a fabulous time together, as always. That girl is so damn fun it's not funny! I just love her to bits - she's so much beyond a sister to me. Of course that makes Cathy crazy jealous. Just the fact that she gets all pouty about it is the reason that she stays on the outside of the circle, though. Does she not get that? She's invited time and time again but stays apart because she's not number one or something. I do not understand that girl. How does her brain work, anyway?

Funny thing about the best part of my trip is the way that my brain works now. I'm awesome! For one thing, after the same old song and dance happened and I disagreed with Cathy a couple of times and she got snippy, I stopped myself when it happened. Yes, Cathy, you are right, all the weight gain was only from the Paxil. It had nothing to do with your eating habits or lack of exercise. And the weight loss had nothing to do with leaving your husband and all of the stress and sadness and excitement that created. Of course, Cathy, all of the research and - let's face it, common sense - that went into the development of anti-blister socks is a load of crap and you know way better. Go ahead and keep the snippy, know-it-all expression on your face. But, instead of punching her (I'm terrible!!), I agreed and let it go. Because, as I once said to her about Pop, why argue? Who is it helping? I have my opinions and she has hers and just because I'm, like, ALWAYS right doesn't mean that I will ever convince her of that! I will never get her. But I love her and I hugged her and thanked her for her hospitality and walked away proud of me.

Who is next? Blah! This part is boring. Bottom line is I love my family, they are all crazy except me (tee hee!) and those things cannot be changed. The only thing that can be changed is how I react to it. And, at the end of the day, how I feel is all that counts. IT'S ALL ABOUT ME!! (and people think I am kidding!!)

Okay, more weird trip information coming up. Hand hurts - must break - no sleep- turbulence.




"Oh god, let us LIVE before we DIE"

I'm sitting on a plane, finally on the last leg of my flight home. Pop died on Friday night. It was so sudden I was stunned. He has had more health problems than anyone I know for as long as I can remember. But Friday night, Terri Lynn took him to the hospital because he was having chest pains. Everyone went home, he went to sleep and never woke up. Mom called at about 4am. I hate those phone calls. I hate hearing her say "well, I've got some bad news for you Bev". I think I'll start hanging up during that sentence. Anyway, I spent a terrible lonely day yesterday and last night I went online to buy my ticket. This is going to suck. But I need it, too, I know. God it's so hard to be so far away for the good times, devastating for the bad.

So, how to grieve? I barely slept that night. Woke up after about 4 hours, had some cereal, went back to bed and woke again about an hour later - bawling my eyes out. I walked for 2 1/2 hours, went to see my boys for some love. The tears are coming sporadically now. I'm just glad that I am going home to be with my family, to be able to talk about him and visit Nan and say goodbye. I must stop writing now - the tears are causing my nose to run and the people around me are probably getting pissed. And my hand hurts.




About my grandfather:

I know that everyone has their own memories about Pop. Some are good. Some are not so good. But I would like to tell you about my grandfather, who he was in my eyes. Pop was a very intelligent man. My oldest and strongest memories of him are following him into his computer room and watching in awe as he showed me all of the amazing things that funny little TV type box could do. That man could make a list like nobody's business!

And he was always at something, always tinkering, always in the middle of a project. I would be his willing subject when he was working on some new trick photography with the video camera. I was his appreciating audience when he bought yet another organ and he would show me all the new-fangled tricks this one let him perform. And he made me feel special when he took the time to be with me.

One of our mutually favorite memories (and I know this because the story has been told during almost every visit for the past eighteen years) was that year that we came home for Christmas holidays and there was a snow storm on New Year's Eve. We were supposed to go to Fred & Barb's in Kelligrews but the weather wouldn't allow it. I was pretty bummed out and I stood at the door in the kitchen, watching the snow fall. Pop came up behind me and pushed me out onto the back deck in my stocking feet and locked the door behind me. He was pretty pleased with himself and laughed and teased while I tried to get back in. He finally showed some mercy and opened the door. When it closed behind me, a bunch of snow came in, too, and we had a snowball fight in the kitchen. A fourteen year old girl and her grandfather flinging snow at each other indoors in the middle of the night. That is not only my favorite memory of Pop, it's one of my favorite memories of my life. And, so I have come home to celebrate the life of my favorite grandfather who I will always love and always miss and will always think of with a smile.

I love you, Pop.

This is about the same time last month that I last wrote. Hmmm! Interesting.

Anyway, before we begin, let me say congratulations on my new found freedom. Finally finished up the Strata last week. I am now going to be a full time employee of LUC. No evening job, no working from home, no constant defeating stress. Ahh!

That said - and there's always something, isn't there? - I'm getting sort of concerned about this apparent self sabotage that's been going on here lately. The exercise seems to have all but died and the eating is increasing (quit smoking, though!). I'm starting to wonder if this isn't my old self peeking through. It won't get me though. I'm stronger than it now. I'm stressing myself out about the Sun Run in two weeks. But it's silly. Why say "OMG, I don't know if I can do this"? Say "holy crap, it's going to feel good to cross that finish line. I don't have to flat out run the whole 10K. I don't even have to jog the whole 10K. I do need to do my bet and complete it. And next year I can run the whole thing. Who knows, maybe even compete for a decent time.

I keep talking about how frustrated I am that I haven't lost any weight since November. Christmas got me used to chocolate again. So whenever it's around I eat it. I don't feel like having anything to eat and end up convincing myself to have a burger & fries. What's different? A couple of days ago I thought 'of course, I'm trying too hard' like the old days when every day was the last day I could have these chips or ice cream so I eat as much as I can... and do the same thing the next day. But, you know, I don't think that's it. I think the problem is that I'm not trying enough. I'm not trying to avoid these foods. I'm not trying to will myself to not have them. I keep on with this 'I will not deprive myself' thing. And that's fine. Choose to not deprive yourself and choose to stay fat. And it is a choice.

Why do I keep sabotaging myself? Why do I buy that one more pack of cigarettes? I don't want to stop smoking. Really? You want to smoke because of how good it makes you feel when you run for 5 minutes? You like how it makes your care and your breath smell? You like how it stains your teeth? How it makes you stand in the rain to get a fix? I know I can live without it. I know the cravings get less and less and go away almost completely eventually. So do it. Get a litte control over yourself and just do it.

Or do you WANT to be a fat smoker?

Do you?

I want to write. Um, yeah! That's whut yer doon!
No, I mean write. Like a story. But I have no imagination. Is that an excuse?

I'm not going to let this leisure time turn into sitting on the couch. But I'm not that girl anymore, am I? I still fear her. I still fight her. I still worry about the day that she might come back.

I feel - what? Happy. Content. Not content as in okay that's enough living but content in who I am. I'm looking forward to who I will become. I don't fear tomorrow, I welcome it. How nice. Maybe that's what I could write about. Beverly's own little Prozac Nation.

So. What came first? The chicken or the egg? Is he bugging me because I feel crappy or do I feel crappy because he is bugging me? It's just all so familiar. I even took a break from him. I hadn't seen him since last Friday when we had a bit of a tiff. But everything was okay after. But these days I'm just not liking him all that much. And there's other things, too, so it probably is me.

I finished Karl's stuff last week. I was so excited I was shaking. I was actually waking up in the middle of the night to smile. And now I'm kinda bored. Not bored. Down? Could be period related and I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill here but I feel fat and indicisive (and I can't spell) and touchy and irritated. Hmmmm. That sounds like the definition of PMS. So I guess I need to fight my way through these next few days and see. K.

What I don't have is a lot of patience. I have to give myself credit, though. I've come a long way. I think every now and then I just need to pull up those old jeans, you know? Because in the beginning it happened so fast. It seemed like I was down a size every week or two. But I have to take into account the fact that I hurt my glute again in early December and really eased up on the exercise for a month or more. And then there was Christmas eating. Which wasn't massive binging or anything but I did eat more than usual. Then I was down for a week or two and I did eat a lot of crap that I didn't want or need. (Funny thing is, that only gets me down more!) Then I got the flu a couple of weeks ago and I really was wiped out. So for a couple of weeks I've been back at it full force with the exercise and better with the eating. And I've lost a pound. And a pound a week or so is my goal. So, what the heck. Bevie? What the heck?

I went running outside by myself for the first time yesterday. It was a struggle. I was taken off-guard by all of the emotional turmoil that I went through. Just looks from people and me determining what they are thinking. Fabian thinks I'm being silly and paranoid but I am on my 33rd year as a fat person - I know the looks. But what I realized is, who the hell cares? Do I care if some guy I've never seen before and will never see again smirks as I run by? He's nothing to me so why should I even notice?

And I feel good because I really talked myself down. I didn't talk myself into going home. And I didn't compromise and go to the gym. I kept going and just looked away from people if I felt that vibe. And you know what? I smiled and said hello to people that didn't give me that vibe. And I finished my run. And damn! That felt good!!

I close my eyes and imagine cheek bones and collar bones, hip bones and only one neck, jeans without a pocket of chub sticking out over them, not having to concern myself about sucking in the belly. I see myself crossing the finish line at the Vancouver Sun Run and tears inevitably spring to the surface. I see myself walking into a room and everyone sees me, sees beauty and confidence and charm.

Will I be beautiful? What will I look like? How will I handle it? As impatient as I get when I step on the scale, I know that slow - very slow - is the only way for me to do this. To get used to the bones, the looks, the attention. For my body to get used to the exercise. I want so much from my body right now. I don't know if it will ever catch up.

But, I guess that whole 'instant gratification' business is behind me. The exercise part any way. Now, if I could just avoid that Dairy Queen!

This is rough. This internal struggle. The food yo-yo. I'm fighting but I feel like I'm losing the battle. Got to win the war, though. Jeans are getting tight. I've been talking myself into eating again. Even when I don't want to. And back to the 'just one more' mindset. It doesn't work, Beverly. How about exercise? How about fruit? And steady meals?

Geez - just read the last entry. Bummer, man! I was really down there for a spell. Started feeling better - then got the flu. Oh, well!

God, this is hard. Why do I get so encouraged at night and feel so shitty in the day? I could just put my head down and be by myself for a month.

I DON'T WANT TO BE THIS PERSON ANYMORE!

I feel like I'm drowning and I can't find my way to the surface. Stop! Stop! Fucking STOP! I had my first suicidal thought in a couple of months yesterday. It really caught me off guard. I made myself go to the gym this morning, even though my 'buttock' has been bothering me. I even tried to make myself smile, enjoy myself. What a joke! Spent the rest of the day pissed off and almost crying in the grocery store, pigging out on chips and dip and chocolate, sleeping. I don't want to be this person - I haven't seen her for so long and I don't like her. I have to get rid of her.

Well, then, in light of the date and impending new year, I decided to write a little bit about how I've been getting off track and what I need to do to get back on. I know that life, especially for me during this extremely life altering year, is made up of a kind of two steps forward, one step back and I'm okay with that. I know that the new habits that I form will take a while to stick and it will take some work. A lot of work. And that's why I'm here.

Okay, let's start with what's wrong because I am getting bothered. I'm showing lots of signs and for each one I'm going "is that my depression" "am I okay?" and the more that I've been asking that lately, the more bothered I'm becoming. Because one or two of those things alone will make me stop and think but all of them together just down right scares me. Like what, you say? Exercising less, eating more, not wanting the nights to end because that means that tomorrow will be here soon, burying my head in the sand, not wanting to face my responsiblilites, not knowing how to spell! (that was a joke so I can't be all that bad!), saying "I don't want to" far too often, being late for work, underachieving, feeling the burden of the world on my shoulders, can I stop now? This is getting depressing!

But this is the part that I wanted to get to. How will I fix it and get back on track? The obvious, eat better and get more exercise? The exercise part is rough because I haven't backed off it willingly. The ole tennis buttock is acting up. But I'm sure I could still manage some stretches and slow walking. I don't have to give in all together just because I can't do as much as I want. The eating is just a matter of getting the bad food out over here and getting more of the good stuff in. I've been slipping back into not wanting salads, cleaning off my plate, late night snacking, etc. And what I have to do is go back into training mode, keep a food journal for a while, have fruit when I want something sweet, leave a bit on my plate always, get used to not eating just because it's there.

Hellew me! Been sitting on the couch all day today. Had fun - Fabe and I have just been hanging out and watching DVEDs but I feel that it's time to get off my ass again.

Doing the whole New Year's thinking again, I guess. My weight loss has been good - about 32 pounds in 8 months but I feel like I'm stuck on a plateau and it's time to shove off.

It goes something like this:

"Fabian,

I have really enjoyed spending time with you over the past couple of months. It feels different this time. I am such a different person emotionally now and I appreciate you giving me the time and space that I needed to adjust.

This is not one of my old break-up letters. I still want to see you and only you but I feel that we are moving toward repeating old mistakes and I don't want to do that. I think that each time we have stopped and started seeing each other we have missed an important step. We have never really dated. We seem to deal in all or nothing, practically living together or not speaking at all. I realize that I am the main reason for that, I placed a lot of demands on you early on, but his is important to me and it would mean a lot.

So, can we move back a step? Can we slow down and just date for a while?

I'm frustrating myself trying to find a way to explain what I mean and I don't want to set up a bunch of rules and guidelines here. Simply put, I want to go out with you sometimes. Nothing fancy... a walk on a sunny afternoon, a meal, a movie, a drive to the mountains, whatever. Even just playing your video games for an hour or two or listening to your radio shows by the fire sometimes. (And, by the way, my biggest unrealized dream is to be given flowers for no reason at all... hint, hint!) I want it to not be assumed that you will come over every day or that you will sleep over every night. I want us both to be able to say "no, not tonight" sometimes and not have it turn into some big deal. I want to have fun with you for a while and not get into all of that emotional stuff that comes with a deeper relationship yet.

I like the way things have been between us this time and I feel silly trying to fix something that really isn't broken. When I emailed you (for sex!) in October, I honestly didn't expect this all to start up again. I'm glad that it has and I like having you in my life but things are moving too fast again. And (roll your eyes if you must) I feel that I need to back up a bit before I go forward."

But this is all probably never going to be said, after all the sniffing and snotting. A little PMS emotion going on here lately. And maybe he didn't call today because he was put out by the whole 'you rejected me so now I'm going to reject you' weirdness last night. Or maybe he just had a rough day. Either way, it's okay. I'll get my feeling across somehow. I don't need to send him a big, long blubbering letter. I need to learn how to talk to him and let my feelings out instead of always, of course you can come over, of course you can stay all night. He's still dealing with the old me in a lot of ways and getting to know the new me will be a process. And maybe it will end and maybe it won't. I'm just not going to worry about that right now. I'm just going to enjoy myself and let the chips fall where they may.

Ow, my hand hurts! Ow, I should be asleep like four fricken hours ago!!

Yep, still here. I just tried the letter. It feels silly asking a man that seems to practically live here sometimes to date me. I guess I can just feel him rolling his eyes or making some snarky mark about women.

And so what, really. We are emotional. We do need definitive moments in our lives. We do need someone to make us feel special. Is that wrong? And right now, at this point when I think of any kind of future with Fabian, into my head pops "But I've never had someone give me flowers. And I want that, I need that. I require that. I won't live my life without that." If he doesn't offer it then I have to get it from somewhere else. Which means not being with Fabian, which means if I want to be with him then I need to get it from him or not at all.

And then the old - so do I want to be with someone that just doesn't get it? Who's going to be so much work? Or is any man going to be any different? Sigh. Being alone is much easier. Maybe I should just go stock up on batteries and call it a day!!

This is so funny... I feel like I'm studying. I read some of the book, put it down, write some notes, review previous parts of the book. Funny - but I'm learning. Maybe eventually I'll pass this course. Just need to keep taking the test.

Okay so maybe I should start dealing with this backing up thing by writing him a letter. Not to give to him but to get my thoughts in order for when I do approach the subject.

I'm so funny now (did I not mention that 1000 times?). He didn't call tonight and that's odd because he's been calling everyday, all day. So, instead of getting into what could be wrong, what did I do wrong, does he want someone else, I should call him to make sure he knows I care, muther fucker what is his problem, muther fucker how dare he, blah, blah, blah, I'm all hmmmm. Okay. That's all - no freak out! I'm normal! I'm mentally stable! I love me!!

Well then! It's been over a month since I wrote in here. Still seeing Fabe. Still going well, too, for the most part. Still reading these self help books that would drive him crazy but they are making a huge difference.

I read "He's Just Not That into You" or something along those lines. It was really interesting because it was written by a man. And the main lesson is if he's into you, nothing will stop him from being with you. Not past relationships, not crappy childhoods, not issues with mother. And I guess what it made me realize is that I was spending all of my time making excuses for Fabe's behavior instead of realizing that I (we) were just moving too fast in the beginning and it was causing us to hit a wall and come to a dead stop.

So now I'm reading another "Mars & Venus" book called "Mars & Venus On a Date". I found the first to be really helpful in understanding the male/female psyche but it wasn't telling me what I needed to know for the start of a relationship. This one really has. For one thing, I give way too much away too soon. I never let Fabian (or anyone else) chase me. I jumped right in to trying to be everything for them right away. I remember one point when I was really pissed off about having to not show my true self. I said I would do the same thing for any guest, make sure they had a toothbrush, cook meals, etc so why the hell do I have to pretend to be something I'm not because men took it the wrong way? Well, our Dr. Gray simply says - yes. You have to not put it all out there right away. That's it, too bad. What I didn't consider, I guess, was that my intentions didn't necessarily come through as I meant them. I have to consider less of what I mean and more of what they see.

He also talks about the five stages of dating... let's see if I can remember them: 1. attraction, 2. uncertainty, 3. exclusivity, 4. intimacy and 5. engagement. So, Fabe and I go from attraction to intimacy, I then assume exclusivity, then uncertainty then break up, go back to intimacy and start the cycle again. We've never really dated. We didn't go through the point where he is supposed to pursue me. And I guess I've always had a bit of a problem with that. I guess I've always had this thing where I don't need a man. I can take care of myself so I never let him pay for our dates and hold open the door for me, blah, blah. Apparently that's an important step fro a man. Who knew?

Things have been going really well and he's really making more of an effort now that I am not making myself so available but I still feel that we've skipped something. And obviously it's something that I really feel that I need because it's always a big part of why I break up with him. And maybe to avoid the old process again we should go back a bit. It's the courting part. The dating. We always skip that. I know he'll think I'm silly and I know that it will be hard but I'm already feeling the pressure of him being here too much and taking too much liberty with my home and my things.

The other day he was here when I wasn't. For a while. And, honestly, it bothered me because this is my space. Then I started thinking that, well, I gave him the key and it's not really right to put restrictions on that but is that how I really feel or is it easier to suppress my feelings than confront the issue? And there was a week or so that he was here constantly and it was really getting to be a bit much (so, you see? sometimes he does move faster than me!) He has backed off of that, though. I really should talk to him about the dating thing, though. How the hell am I supposed to do that??

Weight 194 (total lost 31 lbs)

I've been reading the Mars/Venus book again and I think I should be taking notes to remind myself of his good advice and insight for the times that I actually need it. Not only for Fabian but for men in general. (Mm hmmm!)

Anyway, this book is totally written about Fabe. Instead of saying 'men' are this way, it should be 'Fabe' is this way. One thing that really stands out is the cave and his penchant for Fabe time. How he pulls away when I am getting close. I do punish him for that. I take it personally and I promise myself that I'm not going to put myself out there again. But Dr. Gray says that when men come back from the cave they need to be shown that it was okay to go and also that is the best time for the emotional stuff. That's so true. That's the time when we have more romantic sex, when we touch more and when he tells me that he cares for me. Unfortunately, it's when we get back together from a breakup because I react the exact opposite of what he needs.

I hate it when he pulls away and I always take it personally. Sometimes I follow him, usually I stay away and go into my little girl cave (a pink cave... with frills!) and just hate him for hurting me.

But I've always said that the point I think that our relationship, or his trust in me (to be more to the point) was damaged during that first breakup. And, when you consider his past, it's no surprise. I don't really remember the time line but I do remember that for my birthday that year he took me out to supper. That seemed like such a small obvious thing to me that I didn't realize that it was a hard thing for him. It was him being exposed by giving. And I spent the night crying because I didn't have a cake. So he left. He went into his cave and I cahsed him so he stayed even longer and then I broke it off. But, according to Dr. Gray "a man's deepest fear is that he's not good enough or that he is incompetent... To extend himself in giving to others means to risk failure, correction or disapproval. These consequences are most painful because deep inside his unconscious he holds an incorrect belief that he is not good enough (thank you Fabe's mother)... He wants to give but is afraid of failing, so he doesn't try."

He also goes on to say that if the man cares a lot, the fear of failure increases and he'll be even less apt to take the risk. His defense is 'I don't care' and his insecurity will not let him feel. He needs to learn how to give more by realizing that it's okay to make mistakes. And apparently crying and telling him he didn't do good enough didn't help him to realize that! And it sure as hell didn't make him want to try again. Therefore, for every occasion, he is non-existent. But how do I go back or how do I start now to let him realize that it's okay to make mistakes? I've always had so much trouble with talking. I'm more apt to let it build and build and then blow up (thank you, Mom). I am getting better though but I really am afraid to offending or hurting him. And Dr. Gray says that the times I did try to bolster him up when he did something, I totally over did it, which is just as bad. Crap, this is rough stuff!

But, here's what I say right now. I'm in a totally different place. When I walked way last time it was a decision that I thought was permanent and so I worked on building my life into what I wanted it to be. And I love my life right now. And I don't need a man. And I don't want a relationship right now. I've got too much going on. So maybe now is the right time to figure this out, once and for all.

I really like Dr. Gray's rubber band analogy. He says that a man's intimacy cycle is like a rubber band. At some point he feels a need to pull away, to rediscover his self, and when he is able to pull away without guilt or bad feelings he will be able to snap back and the relationship will grow even stronger.

I've never let anyone pull away from my. He got mad at me one night and wanted to leave in the middle of the night. I should have let him go without getting in my car and following, without getting so upset. But I think when he pulls away because of feeling inadequate he has trouble coming back. But, still, that's his choice.

Fabe is very big on his alone time and I totally understand it to a point. But I also see the pressure that I caused. Like when he would say he'd be over after work - I would figure out what time he should be home and, therefore, what time he should be here. And, when he was late, as he invariably was, I would get mad because he was being inconsiderate by making me wait. But I should have gone about my own thing and had supper or done whatever. And, instead of calling and telling him off or being pissy when he finally got here, I could have just said 'hey, I'd appreciate a call'. Not go into the whys and hows and what-fors. Just say what I need to say and move on. Why have I always been so big on punishment? I guess it's my whole 'I'll hurt you first' attitude. Insecurity, negative levels of self esteem.

I learned a lot about my own cycle of dealing with things with Tom last week. I guess because it happened faster and on a different scale than with Fabe, or boys in general. First is upset, then anger. The 'who do you think you are and why should I give you what you want' mode. Then I get it out, talk about it, mull it over a bit, then I get over it. Instead of 'why the hell do I have to kiss his ass' I realized that by kissing his ass I get what I want. So it makes him feel good, too - bonus - but mainly I get what I want! I need to learn to play it up more. =) Damn, this whole self-confidence thing is just neat!!

One thing that I do have to remember about Fabe is that he does care about me. Even when he goes away for a while. Even when he gets hurt and rejected so easily. Even though he often has trouble saying it, he does care about me. Right now I'm just not sure if that's enough in the long term. So I'm not thinking long term. It's right here and right now and let's see. He may never be able to offer me what I need and I think that me realizing that will help. Not by me pulling away emotionally as I have always done but by feeling less pressure - both of us.

You know what's funny? And not 'a horse walks into a bar' funny. And not 'look at that chick's hair' funny. But, like, hmmmm funny. Yeah. ANYWAY! When I look in the mirror and say god you're cute and damn I'm gonna be gorgeous, isn't that the same reflection that I turned away from for the past 20ish years? That's funny. Damn, I'm sexy!

Just got home from Les Miserables. It was just amazing. Man, to be able to sing like that! The music just fills me up.

Anyway, back to me! I'm so different. My head is such a different place to be. The confidence. The self respect. I ROCK!

But I'm tired and must to snack and HIT HAY!

I wrote this today in an email to Julie - that I didn't send...

'Men suck! Yep, all of 'em... lovers, coworkers, even brothers! I am so hopping mad at my brother right now and I have no where to vent it! I could beet him to a pulp if he were here. Not really because he's much stronger than I am and he fights dirty but you know what I mean! Anyway, he's such a big baby! I was talking to Mom the other day and she said that she is coming on the 17th now instead of the 18th. Well, I had already promised Sheena and two of her friends that I would take them out to supper and then to the Greenday concert that night. So I said Tom could probably pick her up, not to worry. After I got off the phone, I called Stacey about something else and, in passing, as we were hanging up because she was in a rush to bring Tom to the airport, I asked if Tom was working on the 17th and maybe he could pick Mom up. And then I said to tell Tom congratulations on his promotion (which Mom told me about... I even said to Mom isn't it funny that I have to hear about his promotion through her when he and I live 20 minutes apart). Well, when Stacey relayed those two things he got all pissy and actually started a fight with her because I should have called him and told him congratulations myself and not to tell him what to do because he had plans on the 17th, too and who the hell do I think I am? What a scum bag! Now Stacey is all upset about having a fight with him and being caught in the middle. I can't rag him out because then he'll know that Stacey told me, I can't tell Mom because she'll get into her 'pack your bags, you're going on a guilt trip' mode and say 'well, I just won't come then'. And, to top it all off, I can't go to a concert that I was really looking forward to and now Stacey and I aren't going to the Trews concert tonight that I was really looking forward to because Tom gets back from his trip tonight and she needs to kiss his ass for a while so he won't be mad at her anymore. I can't stand that asshole! Like grow the hell up, you big baby! (and you know that I'm controlling my swearing because you're at work!) The thing he apparently doesn't get is that, if I weren't friends with Stacey, I probably would have no contact with him at all. Is he jealous because I like her better? Well, I do but it's his fault. When he had that big flip out at me last year, all of my unnecessary dealings with him ended. The only reason that I backed down and decided to be civil with him is because of Stacey. I don't need someone in my life that speaks to me like I am a piece of garbage... I don't care who he is. You know, just a couple of days ago I was thinking that it was too bad our relationship had gotten where it had because I kind of miss talking to him and getting his advice and encouragement but thank you for reminding me what a jerk you really are because I'm over those feelings now. Why should he get to be a big goddamn baby and everyone else has to suffer? Like I was telling him 'what to do'... I guess that's the same as asking him for a favor and it's my mistake to think that any man would do something for me out of the kindness of his heart or something. I repeat: MEN SUCK! Is there one on the planet that doesn't?'

Crap, my hand is tired now. But, seriously! My vent helped, though. It was weighing heavily earlier but I had a bit of a cry while I wrote that and it helped. I need to stop writing and go to bed!

Omigod! I love my new head! Have I mentioned this before? The clarity of my mind? The control over my thoughts? The ability to rationalize and not obsess? Omigod! What fun, what fun! I love me!! =)

Fabe just left. I was torturing myself before he got here, wondering if he would want to stay over, wondering how I could say no. This little itty bitty part of me wanted him to, for cuddling, but I didn't want the whole next morning stuff. Me waiting on him, him changing the channels on my tv, me waiting for him to leave. I'm liking this little thing we have going for the most part. I find myself verring down old avenues periodically but eventually I get back on course. No, not eventually, rather quickly. I keep fighting any notion of any kind of future between us. The sex is great but the things that I don't like I really have no intention of putting up with in any long term manner again. I'll just enjoy this nice casual thing we have going for now. God, he does turn me on, though... mmmmmm!

Hmmmm. Kind of a quiet lonely day so far. Haven't spoken to another human being since yesterday afternoon. Which wasn't that bad seeing I was in bed asleep before 9pm. God, no wonder I used to go out of my mind before I had chemical assistance! This sucks enough on a good day!

It's raining out. Dreary. A constant reminder that I still haven't had the damn gutters cleaned. You know what I should be doing is working on my finances so I can get a damned mortgage. And working on Karl's stuff so I can get out of all that crap. Why am I sitting here? Crap.

You know what I absolutely hate about all of this? Of course you do! I complain about it all the time. Actually, I think I even whine and complain about being too horny when I am seeing someone and getting it all the time at this point of the month. I know Fabe would say "why didn't you just call me?" but I'm not going to sit here horny all night until he gets around to coming over. And I'm a little more bothered about him not wishing me a happy birthday than I want to be. My clit is throbbing!

So, he thought the email was really funny. And then he came over and fucked me. And how do I feel about that? Sunday - great. Monday - pretty good. Tuesday? Yeah, I'm okay. you know, on the positive side, this is really good because now I don't have to fight ever sexual urge that I get. And this way I get to have the best of both worlds. I get to live my life as I have been, busy, busy, going out with friends, working, working out and I get to have sex periodically. On the negative side, well, I'm not exactly sitting by the phone but I have a fear that I will. I guess I'm just afraid of old habits and old feelings coming back to bite me in the ass. But maybe the worst old habit is actually worrying about it. I need to let things happen and not analyze everything to death. Um, what else is new?

But I don't want to get back with him in that old rut that we were always in. I don't want a future with him. I don't want to love him. So, maybe I won't. I need to keep my boundaries and not slip into the sleepover, meals, relationship thing. He has a way of invading my life and I just need to not let that happen.

Anyway! You should see how FUCKING SEXY I am! 198.5 on the scale today. I could scream. When I catch a glimpse in the mirror, now I stop and go 'oh, yeah' instead of 'oh, no!' And this is so much better! I'm loving the gym. I have energy times ten! (Most of the time!!) And I am just LOVING ME!

So, I'll continue to hate men for a while... it looks good on me!

Yeah, I must be out of my mind. Fuck! Am I going to start this again? This is what I wrote to him:

Hi, yeah, me, the freak, the weird woman who can't seem to leave you alone. So, I've been thinking. Actually, it's all your fault because of those emails a couple of weeks ago. Would you have sex with me? (damn, she's blunt!) Yeah, because we really aren't friends anyway so that whole not having sex with my friends theory is out the window. And I'm not talking dating and I'm not talking meals or movies or sleepovers. I'm talking sex. Sometimes. When the need arises. For either of us. Because, quite frankly, I'm going out of my mind. And I kind of exaggerated about the plastic because that's just a tease more than anything at this point. I used to be satisfied with my right hand and you ruined that... so this is, like, your duty. And I don't want to date anyone right now but I want sex. A lot. I mean, I guess I could live without it... it's not water... but it's close. And why not, right? We're two consenting adults. And we might have not been able to do the other stuff right but this... this we had down to a science. And every time I think of you in my mouth I get this weird ache and start to drool. Damn you and your big dick! Best regards, the horny slut."

I KNEW I was going to crack. I KNEW IT. Well, maybe he'll just say no and I won't have to think about this. Yeah, that would be okay. I must review the list AGAIN! Crap.

Okay, so does this ever stop OR WHAT? Seriously, I'm having my doubts. I'm so sick of making this decision over and over. I don't want to be with him. I don't! Logically, I don't. Emotionally, I need to not be with him. So where does this come from? Is it just the natural instinct to want someone in my life? I think I need to go to bed... alone!!!

Crap! Been talking too much about Fabian tonight. Kinda makes me miss him a little git. Damn, I can't wait until five years from now when I can say "Oh, yeah! Remember that Fabian guy? Geez, I haven't thought of him in FOREVER!" Please, that day, please come soon.

Anyway! Had a real fun night. We went to Rebecca's friends for karaoke! I ROCK! It was so fun.

I love hating boys right now! It so takes the pressure off. It changes everything. Everyday, every minute. I just don't care so much. What a fabulous idea! Why didn't I think of this sooner? I guess I just never reached this level of disillusionment. It's a good place for me, I think.

Anyway - go to bed, drunk gurl... how can't rite wery vell!!

And remember, although this is the unfortunate part:
When you give up the bad things
You have to give up the good parts as well.

Yeah, so I spent 2 hours in the emergency room after the last entry. Damn, that was scary. My tongue went fat and numb and I was tripping over my speech. I called Gayleen and Chris to come get me. After we got to the hospital, the allergy medication started to kick in and the swelling went down a bit. They gave me some antihistamine so it wouldn't come back. My eyes are still swollen. I have no idea what is causing this. An allergy to something, but what?

Anyway, I kind of feel like my old self right now. My old self as in pre-chemical enhancement. Not in a big crazy depression but down somehow. Just blah. I don't like it. I just got down with my bad old self in the bedroom and cried afterward. I hate that. It better not start again. Well, back to work and back on a schedule so maybe that will get me in line again.

That episode with Fabian the other night oddly seemed to put me at ease about the whole thing anyway. I guess I was reminded of his lack of caring and je ne sais pas. Asking if I'm horny instead of asking if I'm well or happy or sad. That's how little he thinks of me? Well, I don't really think that. It's more like that's who he is and that's who I don't want to be with anymore.

I need sleep! Puff head!!

{shaky writing} Okay, I need to document this because it's kind of TOTALLY FREAKING ME OUT. I got out of the shower this afternoon and noticed a little bump on the bottom of my right eye. Almost like a blister-type thing - that was at noon. It got a bit bigger when Stacey and I went out shopping. When I was home at about 5pm it seemed to be the same or smaller. I got ready and went to Gayleen and Chris' for supper. While it was there it steadily got worse and my right eye lid started to swell, too. Now I'm home and my eye is HUGE. I can feel the numbness in my cheek and maybe into my arm a bit (not sure if that's my imagination or not). Now my left eye is also starting to swell and I am losing it! Breathing is wheezy but is that because I had a smoke? I have been feeling dizzy on and off since Wednesday. Then it was more vertigo w/ movement. Now it's more light headed. And I don't know if it's because I am sitting here concentrating on it but I'm afraid to ignore it because what if something happens and I'm all alone? Oh, I just took a Sinutab Sinus & Allergy to see if it helps.

Got my hair done today - 3 inches off and dark. Very cute! I like it. Had kind of a fat day today. Maybe that burger didn't help. You know it might have just been my body rejecting crap. I've been treating it okay lately food wise. Better, anyway! I've been waiting for a crash all week. When does this paranoia stop? Probably never. But maybe it's a good thing. I need to be aware because when I start slipping, I try to figure out why and fix it. Not enough exercise, junk food, no sleep.

Another thing that struck me as odd this week is my 'self talk'. I guess that's partly why I thought I was heading for a crash. I was at the gym and I pay no attention to boys anymore. People in general but not boys. Anyway, I was at the gym and this guy walked into my line of vision and I smiled. And then I thought why would he want the fat girl to smile at him. Where the hell did that come from? I guess it's still in there to a certain extent. And I was at the grocery store and this cute guy smiled at me and I stopped and wondered why. Why? Why the hell not? It wasn't a marriage proposal. It wasn't even boy-girl most likely. He just smiled. If he was a woman or an elderly man I wouldn't think twice about it. Of course, then maybe I thought he thinks I'm cute - which I am! And then I thought that's something that I will have to get used to as I lose weight. Automatically that will happen more. I've always had trouble with that and that is such a self-esteem issue. And, Bev, not every guy that smiles at you needs to be an imagined relationship if he's cute - nor a rapist if he's weird. Just smile back and move on. It will definitely take some retraining.

Brian of Canada Post fame was hitting on me today. I know he likes me but no. That's something else. How do you deal with that other than running? And, also, I thought he's a 4 so that means that he thinks I'm a 4 or 5 at most. But I want to be an 8. And I want an 8 or a 9.

But whatever. That's not even close to being on the horizon yet. I'm enjoying me and I'm making some serious headway on getting to be the me that I want to be so I'm gonna stay on this road for a while longer.

(And, Beverly, Fabian is not going to email you so, please, just let it go already!!)



Um, yeah, guess who the email was from? Mutherfuker! Never fails, never fails. So, okay, Bev, it's okay to be friends. Just friends. No crush. No fuck buddy. Good to know that you are alive and doing well kinda friends, right?

But why can't I give up and go to bed?

I know I don't want to start this up again. Nothing will be different. Don't think about the sex in the good ole days. Think about the baggage, the emotional... emotional what? Non-existence! He's just horny and probably lonely but that's his doing, not mine.

Yep, he just asked if I'm horny. Well, hell yes but he doesn't need to know that! Sonofabitch! I AM NOT A HOLE! Review the list NOW!

Yeah, I raised my standards. I am worthy. I am beautiful and gosh darn it, people like me! Thank you Guy Smiley!! I feel a little better now. I can be strong. I don't want him that way anymore. Now, repeat... 10 thousand times!!

Okay, I think I'm out of the danger zone. I think I rather pissed him off but I'm just going to have to live with that. I am not a hole and I never will be one again!!!!

Now I just have to live with it.

I broke up with Fabian again today. It feels like I broke up with him every day this week. Like everyday I have to go through the whole process again. The whys and the your better offs. And I know I'm better off. Without a doubt. So why the hell does his name still run through my mind every time I check my email or my caller id? How does it stop - when does it stop?? Muther fucker! Guess I'll stop and read my pros and cons that I wrote a few weeks ago again. Hang on!

That's a little better. What the hell did I see in that guy, anyway? Sex. Yep. I'm a slut. It wasn't until that went away that I could let go.

God, I am so anti-man these days. I feel myself slipping into depression here and there. I'm fighting it. With everything I have, I'm fighting. But a couple of times today I just wanted to burst out crying. But shut the fuck up and let it go works somewhat these days. Have I already written all of this? I'm deja vu-ing!

So, I can't sleep. I'm so tired. Maybe I took my pill too late. It was 6:30pm but I'm so on the edge that I was afraid to skip it. I'll take a sleepless night if it means avoiding a day or two in my own personal hell. No problem.

I noticed that on September 9 I was 207 pounds. Here is October 5 and I'm 203. What the heck? I'm still ahead of schedule in the long run. August and September are done and that should be 16 pounds (2 per week) and I'm down 17. Shouldn't complain then, hey? I really slowed down when I started back at the gym. It was about 3 weeks before I lost a pound. Building muscle, I guess. Of course, I had really stopped eating there for a while. As soon as I started - and felt so guilty for eating crap - I started losing weight again. Which is proof that you have to eat to lose weight. Look how much I ate on Jenny Craig. But who has time, man? The shopping, the preparing. I'm trying to have a life here, if you don't mind!

I also wrote in that first red pen entry that I was feeling quite lonely. Well, I sure beat that. These days I have trouble fitting it all in! Guitar lessons started last week, doing an accounting course at BCIT, half done puzzle on the table for weeks, movies, concerts (GBS last week, Sting this week), going to Stacey's or Julie's or Gayleen's. It's good. GOOD!

Who's cryin' baby? And Fabe WHO???

Okay. Here's what I want. I want all of this to be done already. I want this fat to be a memory. I want to be living my new life - my enhanced life. The life where I row and run and dance and create and love. I want a big dick inside me. I want a man to cherish me, to realize what a beautiful person I am, inside & out.

God, I saw another fat picture of me today. How is that possible? How did I get so big? It made me doubt the road I am on. It's such a long road. Do I have the strength? Do I have the will? What will become of me?

The future is so unclear now. All of these absolutely endless possibilities. I want to do so much, make up for so much lost time. But where will I settle? It's so much easier to sit on the couch and eat and hate myself. This is so much more work! I know it's the change that is the work, though. The forming of new habits to replace the old ones. And, as for men, well, maybe someday my disdain will fade. I would love to find a fuck buddy in the mean time but I know that's only asking for trouble. But I just can't enjoy my plastic these days. I need some new porn!!

Crap! I am shot today. I feel so weird. Like I'm too exhausted to be tired. I slept for 3 or 4 hours today, until about 5:30pm. And here I am, ready to go to sleep again. I can barely keep my eyes open, it's a struggle to hold my head up but not quite ready to sleep. Sheena and I went out last night. She was sneezing and snotting all over the place. Guess I was germed. I was quite nervous earlier. Paranoia creeps in. But I'm not down, I'm not sad - I just feel like crap.

"I reach for you and find my heart"

That was in a book that I am reading. Just wanted to write it down before I forget. Got lots of thoughts in my head but I'm just too tired. Have to save it for another day, I guess.

I ran! The other day I ran across the street. Sounds so simple and basic, doesn't it? Well, as I was running I realized that I haven't ran in almost a year. A YEAR! It was 11 months ago on Saturday that I had my accident. Anyway, tonight I was babysitting Jenna and I was really late and I ran from my car to Julie's house. I was crazy out of breath but I'm so proud of myself! I am no longer a prisoner of this couch. No longer a prisoner of my own mind!

I had fun with Jenna tonight. She's a real cute kid. I even stopped a time or two and thought - omigod, I'm playing! What a weirdo I am. Such basic things to people - running, playing - and I feel like I invented it! But it makes me feel like I'm on my way to where I want to be. "Now my imagination is the only thing that can stop the bar and it's rise to the heights"

I AM FREE!!!

Whew! Just got back from the gym. My arms are kind of shaky! Feels good. What doesn't feel so good is the moment on the scale. 207? What the hell? I know, only up one pound. But don't go up! Go down! Go down! Could it have been the cheese and bacon burger and fries that I had for lunch? The ice cream, chips and chocolate bar that I had Sunday? The greek ribs that I had on Saturday? Or the 6 or 7 times that I ate out last week? What am I doing?? No wonder! Okay, need to work harder. Eat better. Pay attention again. I've been slacking off and it ain't doin' me no good! Okay, new rules. Eat out ONCE per week. That's it. Not go to the restaurant and have salad. Restaurant only once (maybe twice! I love to eat out!). I just need to male better decisions and be conscious of it all the time. I'm not getting into a big diet frame of mind. I just want to be healthy.

Hello me! Nothing in particular to say tonight. Things are going well. A little behind in my work but what else is new? Ah, the irony of "Accountable Bookkeeping"! That's mean though. I'm doing the best that I can. Well - almost. I'm working on doing for me right now, too. I am finally starting to get it through my head that I can't be everything to everyone. I don't stress about it (most of the time) and when I do, I'm able to let it go. (Thank you Wellbutrin!!) Ah, the pleasure of being able to let things go. Who know? I mean seriously. Obviously I knew that I obsessed a bit much but hey, personality trait, right? Everyone does it, right? It honestly never crossed my mind that it might be due to a chemical imbalance in my brain. Yeah, the depression, once the idea was presented to me, made so much sense. They crying, the mood swings, the sickness that I knew wasn't sickness. I would make myself sick and truly believe that I was sick and I was doing it to justify staying in bed. Well, I can't get out of bed, I feel like crap, I can't navigate through the day, I can't think, I would be totally numb. The sad part is that it was normal. Normal for me, true, but I'm the only one that I could compare me to and it wasn't new. It was worse sometimes than others but it was always there on some level. And it was easy to find something to blame it on. It was only when I realized that at 30 I was still going through my teenage angst that I even suspected it could be me. But the obsessiveness I really thought was who I am. And look at me now! I have not once checked to see if Fabian has renewed his personals ad or updated his MSN profile. Before, I couldn't not check. It was a compulsion. Maybe that's a better word than obsessive. I would get something on my mind and it would not go away. Food. Ah, that's why I've been over 200 pounds for the past 10 years! Of course! And here I am now, I have chips and chocolate in the cupboard and I'm not eating it because I am not hungry. Ha! What a concept. Needing to be hungry to eat.

Oh, thank you Wellbutrin, oh thank you Dr. Gray, even thank you shithead Pabani. I was always this person. Sometimes. A little bit. This is the person that I would see peeking out on those occasions that I would be determined to make a change. To eat better, to exercise. I like this person so much better. Chemically enhanced!!! =)

Whew! Just got back from 2 hours at the gym. Fun! I was sitting here on the couch having a crappy lazy boring day. Watched 3 movies and only got up to pee. No answering the phone (it was only Karl anyway) or nothing. The movie was putting me to sleep so I turned on Much Music and they had this 10 top hot bodies thing on where they not only said who - they said how. And it got me motivated. So I got up and got going. 1/2 hour upper body w/ free weights and 1 hour cardio. Go Bevie! Go Bevie! You know sometimes - most times - I look in the mirror and I 'm shocked at how fat I am. Seriously shocked. But it's going good. This isn't about weight loss. That's a wonderful side effect but it's about getting in shape so I can live the kind of life that I want to live - do the things that I want to do.

And boy am I pooped!

Over & out!

Hello me! Wow, had a hard time finding this book.... hid it real good last time, I guess.

Anyway, it's Thursday night about 10:30pm and I am bored and lonely. I've been lonely every day for a while now. My social meter is way down. I do little things to get it up but then I just come home and feel lonely all over again. This whole not working after 6pm isn't working. The evenings alone are far too long. Julie and I have been going to the gym and I've been watching a lot of movies. I don't know. Trying not to let it get me down but I have to admit it's a struggle.

Okay - so what good has been happening? The list is long, I must say. Well, first of all, like I said, I've been going to the gym. We joined the YMCA a couple of weeks ago. It's good to get back at it. Since I saw that HORRIBLE picture of myself at the beach at the end of July, I have lost around 13 pounds. Not sure of my weight then because I was avoiding all scales but I'm pretty sure I was around 220. I'm now at 207 fully dressed and sneakered. Feels good. It's different this time, too. I have no interest in food. I did have a mini-boredom binge this evening, I do admit. Just some ice cream. No biggy. Most nights I don't even want supper. The problem with that, though, is I'm really hungry by midnight. And I also haven't been eating enough to keep my energy level up - if you can believe that! =) How nice to not be a slave to food, how nice to not be hiding behind a big burger. I have been trying to read my body - eat when I am hungry, not eat when I'm not. What a concept!

And I'm not obsessed with it but I actually can envision myself thin. Well, a lot smaller than I've been since high school, anyway. And active. How thrilling. I want to try everything. I feel like I have missed out on so much. Like all of those sad years from 15-32 were just wasted. But I'm making up for it now and that's what is important.

Also, no entry would be complete without the mention of some male! I gave Fabian his walking papers two or three weeks ago. How nice - can't even remember when!! There was nothing left to salvage and I finally thought 'why am I bothering?' So that's the end - finally. After a dozen or so breakups in the past two years. Geez, not too quick, am I? And, yes, I still think of him daily but it's getting less all the time. He sent me an email on Monday night. I'm pretty confident that it was in error but nevertheless it gave me the opportunity to really sit back and evaluate where I am on the whole deal. And I'm proud to say that it's finally over for me. There is nothing that I can imagine that would make me want to get back with him. Let's break it down, shall we? (To re-read on those lonely nights when temptation is getting the better of me!) Hmmm... positives maybe - the list is shorter, after all! 1. he makes me laugh, 2. he cuddles well, 3. good sex, 4. he compliments me. Ouch - 3 of those are no longer even valid and that's all I can come up with. The negatives: 1. he stopped cuddling, 2. sex became his dick in a dry hole. Yeah he still turned me on but, let's face it, that ain't difficult. The last few times with him, even when I asked, he wasn't interested in anything more. And I am no one's hole anymore. That was all too reminiscent of Karl. No touching, no kissing, me on top doing all the work, thinking 'what the hell am I bothering for?' And when I was thinking that while he was actually inside me, I figure that was a bad thing. 3. the compliments stopped long ago, no matter how hard I tried, 4. he wouldn't go out, even to a stupid movie!, 5. everything had to be his way - let's eat at home, go to the store, wings not chicken. I mean COME ON!, 6. the whole female attitude thing. I now feel toward men the way he feels about women and that really bothers me. But more about that later. 7. the comments about people - they aren't human, they should be allowed to kill each other, the constant complaints but mostly the comments about how all those horrible people made him feel like a better person. Is your self esteem that low that you have to put others down to bring yourself up? 8. he lives in someone else's house. Whats-her-face left like 5 years ago, man. Move on already! 9. he drives a bus, 10. he drives an Echo, 'nuff said, 11. he wouldn't open up, 12. he doesn't want a relationship with me. Why did I keep trying to force it on him? 13. he's a dreamer. And this is usually a positive for me but follow through once, just once! Sailing, hiking, moving, buying a motor bike. JUST ONCE! 14. no respect for me, no thought for my feelings or needs, 15. holidays. I could always count on him - to be somewhere else. 16. couldn't trust him. That whole internet dating thing? Yeah, I'll never get past that. Shit, could have saved myself a year and a half, minimum.

Okay, the list is getting long. And sadly I could continue for another page or so. But, bare bones? I liked him and I really wanted him to like me back. But it's so obvious that it was never going to happen. Time to let go.

So, what's also obvious is I'm not over him. Otherwise this cramping in my writing hand wouldn't be worth it. But I will be over him. GUARONTEEED, BABY!! And next time, my standards will be higher. Wanting to put his dick in me will not be enough - even if he does it really well! But that's a while in the future yet. I am just figuring out who I am. This is no time to bring someone else into the picture.

So I'll deal with the loneliness and fill my time having fun and bettering myself. It will all come out in the wash, as they say.

And just you wait and see - good things are coming. I just know it! =)

Ow, my hand hurts... otherwise I'd go on and on and on and on and on on on on.

Cheers!






Okay, my hand is freakin' killing me but I can't leave it at that - I ain't done yet, child! I just re-read the entries in this book, as I always do. And, as always, seems like same shit, different day. To read this you can't see any of the distance that I have come in the past 8 months. I left out a great big part about ME!

So, to say that my life has changed is putting it mildly. No, maybe that's not right. My life hasn't really changed but I have. Okay, revise the statement AGAIN. I haven't changed but the depression person is all but gone and that girl that I like is around more. And that has helped me make some headway with my so called life! It's not just the exercise, not just the boys, it's me inside. I'm more... me, I guess. Not only have my work habits improved (although it's been a real struggle since I got back from home a few weeks ago), my financial situation has improved. I wonder why? Doesn't really feel that much different. I think it's maybe less emotional spending (read wasting) of my hard earned cash. Still a long way to go, of course. I'm trying to correct 18 years of sadness here. It's not all going to change over night.

But, you know what else has changed? And this I think I'm most proud of. My tendency to put everyone else before me. How did I put it last year? My happiness has always been dependent on making someone else happy. I have always spent so much time trying to be everything to everyone that I think I became little to most. Like the way I always put it on myself to tell Tom that he missed an occasion or to send Aaron & Brandon Christmas presents. What did that stuff help? I would get into a big brawl with Tom and it really wasn't my place. It wasn't my responsibility. Yes, I will still do the best I can for those that I care about but my stuff - not everyone else's. And putting myself out for everyone. It's one thing to be dependable but I gave up myself to be something for everyone else. Do you know what I mean? For Mom, for my customers, for Fabe, for everyone but me. I'm doing so much better in that respect. It's funny. I know my new found confidence and self-love actually puts people (namely my family) off. I saw it when I was home. But what can I do? On of the things that I've always liked about myself is my strong convictions and now I guess I'm more vocal about it. No, I don't agree with Karl writing FUCK YOU on his neighbor's lawn, no I don't believe that everyone down and out on Fabe's bus route is expendable and inhuman, no I won't be involved in Joe's personal life so much that I feel like Sheena's surrogate mother, no I won't move back home so that I can spend my adult years babysitting for my mother. Doesn't she see what I lost because of that in my teens? Doesn't she understand that I don't want to have children because of the responsibility placed on me at such a young age? I wanted to please her. I wanted to do everything to earn her love, to get a little bit of attention, so I gave up my life so she could live hers. Isn't that backward?

I like being on my own, I like not having to worry about anyone but me. But, at the same time, I think all of my new found me is pushing people away. It's new, though. I'm sure it will all even out with time.

I do need to make some new friends, though. I need to increase my social meter. I've been doing good - going to lots of concerts, doing fun things. I think getting more active will help all of that. But how do you meet people when you live alone, work alone, have no children, when you are me? I guess I'll just have to find a way - but no more internet dating. I ain't kissing another 2 years, 5 years goodbye. Standards are higher.

Nite!

Damn, I go into all of this as if I actually know what I'm doing - as if I can handle it. No problem. Well, he's been pretty much non-existent since the night I let out the L word. We've spoken pretty much every day but he only stayed over one night. And on that night lovesick Beverly gave the Fabe a key. And I haven't seen him since. That was Friday night. Saturday night he was supposed to come over and he totally stood me up. Pretty shitty. He said that he fell asleep but his phone was on when I called at 9:30 and off 20 minutes later. The next day, yesterday, he thought I was being foolish to even be bothered by it. So, he said he'd come over after work. Got off at 6:30pm. Didn't call. Okay, no problem. Didn't call. Hmmm. Didn't call. That son of a bitch. Didn't call. Fuck him, I don't need this. At 9:40pm he called and I was ready. Blah, blah, blah, had enough, blah.

And that was the moment that Fabe walked in. I was about to say that I'm trying to give myself permission to love him again. And we had a good evening. We hadn't spoken since Saturday morning. Another of those CAVE ventures, I guess. I'm expecting another REAL SOON! Because last night I told him that I love him. Haven't said that since we broke up in June. I've been doing this 'casual' thing but it was becoming more confusing and frustrating than helpful. And so I have given myself permission to give everything, go in without thought of the end and see what happens. Because, if it ends, I'll know that I did what I could and that's all I can do. And, if it doesn't end, well, all the better. But I'm expecting another silent spurt because when he left this morning he said "I'll see you later". And we all know that means don't sit by the phone. So we'll see, we'll see.

Oops new ink color! New phase. Start again, start again. Well, as long as I don't stop trying, right? I must be getting somewhere in all of this. It's been a long time since November when I last wrote. Almost my life. Hmmmm.

Well, I got low. Down. Blue. BAD. The worst one yet. Dr. Gray finally decided that it was time for meds. Definitely chemical, he said - because I followed his advice, I was true to my therapy and was getting steadily worse. After a lot of fear and research I started taking Wellbutrin SR on January 5th. For the first two weeks I was raving 'miracle pill' but I realized that there is no such thing. I do feel that it has been helping me cope though and that's been the most difficult part of all of this. But I have a lot of bad habits that I need to work to overcome. I should go back to therapy, too, I guess. But I really feel that I have no issues. But I do. I do. I do. Nothing that big of a deal, though. Surely my difficulty with relationships is not that much anymore. Enough to warrant $120 per hour? It's early days yet. I have lots of time to decide.

Okay, here's today's issue. Am I going to give myself permission... I guess I will have to get into this later.

Well, I haven't had much luck writing lately. Not sure that I want to write now either. I went to see Dr. Gray again yesterday. We had a good talk. I was telling him about my birthday fiasco and the subsequent couple of days and when I finished he said "Bev, I was going to commend you when you started that story but now you are just breaking my heart." He does not approve of the Fabe. When I told him that we got back together he just said "why?".

It's all up in the air right now anyway because Sheena is staying here for the rest of the week while Joe is away.

DON'T KNOW. DON'T KNOW.

Sorry, got stoned faster than expected on the pain killers I was on last night. More about that after.

So, anyway, I was being sarcastic last night, obviously. I spent my 32nd birthday alone with Kraft Dinner for supper. Second botched birthday. And again, I had hope. I put last year behind me, thought that this year would be different.

Happy Birthday to me! 32 today. Boy, does that Fabian fella know how to make a girl feel special.


**On October 23rd I was thrown from a crazed horse and landed on my right side. I had a concussion and serious pain in my head and right shoulder, hip and leg.**

Well, here I am... sitting here waiting for him again! Just over an hour late for the supper that I made him. Why do I bother? I'm really starting to wonder. I know he just got home from work. Well, he as home at 8 when I was talking to him. Just going to run in and change clothes and I'll be right over, he said. Guess he can't find anything to wear. And I know that he wants to talk to his friends about his day but - he's so inconsiderate! It amazes me! Over and over, it amazes me. By the time he gets here I'm usually so pissed off from waiting so long. Then he saunters in like he owns the place and stays long after I've been wanting to go to bed. I guess I should stop inviting him over during the week. I know I should because this is really getting to me.

It's easy enough to say that I should just let the Fabe thing work itself out. All it's doing is driving me up the wall these days. I even tried saying that I would not look at him as a long term thing, just as a casual boyfriend. Not working. When things are good, I think that I love him a million times a day. When things aren't good, I want to wash my hands of it all. And lately, things aren't good. I want to wash my hands of it all. And lately things aren't good a lot more than they are.

That's something that really bothers me, you know, the fact that when I'm unimpressed with him I want to walk away from the whole deal. When I'm enjoying him, I think that this could be forever and I'll never doubt him again but as soon as something bothers me, I automatically think that I would rather just forget the whole thing. Is that right? Will it always be like that? No matter who I'm with? I know Mom still talks like that sometimes. AFTER 36 YEARS? How is that right? Is that what I have to look forward to? I know that Fabe is just like Dad. So I get to spend 30 years putting up with his shit? Mom says that Dad hardly ever gets like that anymore. Hardly ever? WHAT AM I DOING???????

See what I mean? I was just about to call and tell him not to bother coming over and he called and said that he was on his way. I told him that I was just about to call and tell him not to bother and as soon as he apologized I'm all, well, it's no big deal. At least he was apologetic for a change. I do understand that he was hyper after his first day at work and wanted to talk about it with his friends but he goes overboard. At least I didn't back down. When he asked if he could sleep over. Maybe someday he'll learn to thing of me, too. Maybe someday I'll get used to the fact that he doesn't. But is that what I want? Is that enough? Only time will tell I guess.

Losing a little momentum I said? Hmmm. Looks like I have done a major back track. It all stopped during this past month - the exercise, the weight loss, the guitar lessons, the good feelings. I just realized this past couple of days that I've let myself get down again. Butting heads with Fabe, wanting to be alone. I'm not down as far as I was in July but I'm no where near as close to 'up' as I have been. I know I can't always be up but I thought that I was in control and I let everything slide. So, it's time to start upward again. Sigh.

I just reread my previous entries in this journal and I want to feel that good again. That good inside my head. I'm having serious doubts about my relationship with Fabe right now. The past while we seem to get on each others never whenever we are together. To be honest, it's more like he's getting on my nerves and the way I'm reacting to that is getting to him. Whatever, we have not been getting on well. Even the sex is kind of so so. I don't know what to do about it. Giving up has entered my mind more than once. What if Dr. Gray is right and just because I love him doesn't mean that he's the right person for me and just because he cares for me doesn't mean that he gives me what I need.

What I need to do is get back to work on the other stuff that was making my head good and let the Fabe thing work itself out. I need to start writing here again regularly, too. I think it will help me see the down coming sooner instead of waiting until I'm ready to jump out the window.

LOVE YOURSELF

Well, it's been a little while. Things are going well still. I feel that I have lost a little of my momentum, though, and it's time to get it back.

This is so weird, seeing Fabian again. Good weird but weird. We went to lunch today and it was so normal. I don't know how else to describe it. Even he said that Thursday night was weird, too. Two months apart but here we are. So, I did stick to my guns. He wanted to come home with me. But I said no, have to go shopping for a guitar. And I was so proud of myself. He spent lunch staring at me and telling me how good I looked. Finally I just said "I know". I can't explain it but the good stuff inside is showing outside, too. In more ways than he can see. Anyway, he said he was trying to invite himself back home with me but I remembered my promise to myself and I didn't back down. HA! Then, a couple of hours later I called him and invited him over to watch Trailer Park Boys and said if he came early I would have my way with him. And he did. And I did. And it was so good. Awesome sex - never had a problem there, did we?

Looks like I played that right. Well, maybe played is not the right word because I wasn't playing. I totally calmed down. Despite my doubts to the contrary, I think I'm really doing good here.

He called just after 5pm. Said he slept until after 3pm. But whatever. I didn't expect to get an explanation. I did flub once, however. He asked if I was busy tonight and I said yes, babysitting the boys. But when he mentioned a movie, I said well maybe I could do it. When he said no you do what you were doing I thought fuck - why did I say that? But it's done. Don't be silly and pick apart every little thing. Of course, that's my, like, life!

We are meeting at White Spot for lunch tomorrow at 1pm. Meeting. No 'date' here I guess but that's okay. We're going slow or not going at all. I guess only time will tell.

Okay, here's rational Bev again. And I have to write this down before I forget (I'm a little toasted!). Because I have to trust my instincts and know that Fabe is not someone who would maliciously hurt me and because I have recently built up this weird 'self-esteem' thing. I have narrowed it down to two, maybe three, possible explanations.

1. He really just wanted to get laid. [sentence crossed out in original format] Hang on, don't like that one. You know, he could have just been thinking about it and thought, whoa, I'm not really sure that this is a good idea. Which is understandable because I was kind of a freak. Not really that so much as I pushed him farther than he wanted to go. And I do believe that he had feelings for me, then I broke up with him. Or maybe he's just inconsiderate, got a better offer or really didn't make half as much of this as me. That leaves two possible outcomes: either he will call, or he won't. Comes down to that. If he doesn't call, I go on with it. I get on with everything and see who is around the corner someday. If he does call, in five minutes, five hours or five days, I will be my happy-go-lucky self. No explanations, no guilt, no payback. But I go SLOW. If we go out, no sex that day/night. Seriously, Bev, you have to try it. You did it with Craig and Dave and Colin. Say no. Just, let's take it slow. No expectations, let's just see what happens. Can you do that?

The funny thing is... I'm feeling like a total fool right now. So he comes over and fucks me on Thursday night and I believe that he's working on good intentions? But here's Saturday. Supposed to go out to lunch on Saturday. And nothing. Not a sorry, can't make it, not a fuck you, nothing. So what am I supposed to think? How am I supposed to deal with this? I'm trying to be patient. I'm trying to not think the worst. But I really don't know what I'm supposed to think. And I don't know what I'm supposed to do next. So, if he never calls, that's easy. But what if he does? Fucker! Am I that much of an idiot that I would trust someone so much when they are trying to take me for a ride? I really don't know what to do here. And I don't like it. I don't like it at all.

I had an interesting conversation with myself yesterday at the gym. It was about control. I have been controlled my whole life. First by my folks. Not that I'm saying it was wrong; they were strict, not mean, not abusive, just strict. But there's this part of my personality that lets me be controlled. I've spent my life conforming to others. So, if I did not have that side of me when I was a kid, I would have told Gary Winter to fuck off that night. I would have screamed and fought. But I didn't. I laid there and pretended that I was asleep and that started a cycle of fear in me that I am just learning about. If I had fought Gary that night, the night with Dick never would have happened. Countless nights of lying under someone, letting them abuse my body, years of running from some strange faceless man never would have happened! But that's not it. It's the combination of control, low self-esteem and boy craziness that caused it. And being a very sexual person. But it's like I've always needed the control. It made me comfortable. I didn't have to take any chances, someone else was always making the decisions for me. My folks, then I left them and the fear (?) drove me into Karl's arms. For more control. Is the right word fear? I think maybe comfort again. But obviously a part of me didn't want the control. I left Karl. But then I set out to look for someone else to control me, to guide me, to make my life what I wanted it to be. That's an awful lot to ask of someone, isn't it? I'll give you me but I want you to mold me into the person that I want me to be. Who could possibly succeed? Fabe didn't want to try. Maybe that's what makes me love him and fight him so much. Hmmm.

Omigod, omigod! I can't stop smiling! It's really starting to piss me off! Kidding, of course.

Okay, we were online last night and then he called. We talked for two hours almost and when we were getting off the phone he asked if he could come over for a couple of minutes. Of course I said yes. But why? Why would he come over? It was 10pm. And I had been smoking all day, I hadn't had a shower, I had been for my walk. I brushed my teeth and washed my girl's stuff. And he walked in and looked sooooo damn good. Wow! Seriously. Then he said 'hi' and started kissing me. He said 'is this okay?' and my knees were shaking and my heart was pounding and it was soooo okay. We went into the bedroom and it felt so right. It was like two months went away and I melted. And I came. Over and over.

God, don't let it be just sex. I know it wasn't. I know that we are finding our way back to each other. I have to be careful. Keep living the life I've been living, not get into all the emotional and obsessive. But something has changed inside of my during the past couple of months. It feels right. Sigh.

So, emailed Fabe on Monday night. Just asking how his first day at transit went. And I made reference to the 'nook and cranny' comment that he made the last time. And he says 'yeah, the nook and cranny thing was me hitting on you'!!!! How to reply to that?!!!! Of course, I did and we were online for a couple of hours. Nice. Very nice. Let's take it nice and slow and start again from scratch. And have sex, sex, sex. Horny girl!

Man, I am horny today! Had to come home and have a little party for myself at lunch time, if you know what I mean! Of course you do!! :) Dan I miss sex! If Fabe had been anywhere near me this morning, I would have jumped him!

And about Fabe. I keep kicking myself about writing about him all the time. This book is about me and my development and he's a big part of that, no matter what happens. So no more kicking! Play nice.

Okay, so about Fabe! Still want him. I got an inkling that he's thinking about me too. Last night I looked at his profile on MSN. He hadn't updated it in a year - he usually uses the other. Well, it was updated which means he probably logged in to see if I was on. Maybe I'm reading too much into this. But it renewed my hope.

So much up and down with this guy. I keep saying that I want to take things slow and then get so impatient. It was only last week that I had the first contact with him in over a month. I have to win him back by showing him how I've changed. And part of that is actually changing! Not going out of my mind when I don't hear from him. I was so down yesterday. That showed me two things: first, I'm not as far ahead of the game as I want to be. So now is no time to sit back and slide back into my hole. There's still lots of work to do here, Bevie. Don't stop now! Also, the pill wasn't causing jack. Would have been nice to blame something but it wasn't the pill. I was as down yesterday as ever. So I started it up again. Got to be ready in case there's any non-battery sex in my future!

This was a mistake, emailing Fabe. It's too soon. I'm not ready. I feel like I've gone backward a month or more. I miss him like we just broke up. I need to remember this. And get over it. And stop checking that damn computer!

Well, the problem isn't the pill. It's me. I'm sitting here waiting for some contact instead of going about my business and if contact comes, that's good, but it's okay if it doesn't come. Which goes hand in hand with Dr. Gray's 'Get a life' theory. This is why I started hating this place so much. I have so much work to do that I just don't want to look at it. And I should be working right now but I don't want to. I spent most of the morning playing with my hot tub. And I need to rewire my stereo and fix the walls where the curtains were. And do laundry and shopping. And put up some shelves and paint my kitchen. But I feel too guilty to do all those things because I should be working. So work, damn it! Stop bitching about having to do it and do it! It's not going anywhere like this. Crap.

Okay, this wasn't supposed to be a book about Fabian. But I can see that it's becoming one. I guess old habits are really hard to break. They creep up on you when you aren't paying attention.

Anyway, ha, let's bring you up to date. Remember what a rough time I was having on Friday? Wanting to email him and ask him out to lunch? Well, just about as soon as I went to be, he emailed me. Fucker! Getting my hopes up. Yesterday when I woke up I asked him out to lunch after all, to celebrate his new job. 6 or 7 hours later I heard from him saying 'lunch would have been great' blah, blah. And I answered in my fun loving, happy-go-lucky way. Then nothing but a night of staring at the phone and checking my computer. Sound familiar? Been through this before, have you Bevie? Of course I got myself a little wasted and had a pretty fun night with 'Undercover Brother' and I wasn't going to answer the phone if it rang. But I WANTED it to ring! I've never been too good with the whole patience thing. Now I'm ready to give up again.

He has this way of stringing people along. I've seen it when he talked about his other ex's calling him. I've seen it when I was with him. "I'll call you later". That means I won't call you.

So get on with your day, Bevie. And if he calls - that's great and if he doesn't - that has to be okay, too. It's not that any man will BE your life. They are only supposed to accent it. And when you are ready, it will happen. When it's right, it will feel right. It doesn't feel right now. So have a little patience. Wait. Love will come again. I guarantee it!

I almost emailed him today. To ask him out for lunch to celebrate his new job. But no. I'm not ready. Not that I have much of a choice. I'm sure he's seeing someone else by now. It's getting easier, it really is - just sometimes. I don't want to think of him all the time anymore. I don't want to hope and I don't want to hang on to 'someday'. I just want it to be over. Well, ha, it is over. But I want it to be over inside my head. I don't want to hear him in every sad song, feel him in every fantasy. I wonder where he is, if he's thinking about me, if he's happy. I hope he's happy.

Okay, let's see if I have enough arm strength left to write here. Just got back from the gym and did an upper body workout. My arms are almost shaking still! Which is exactly how it's supposed to be. But, yea, too tired. It'll have to wait!

Ah, just got back from the gym. I was supposed to walk tonight but after an hour on the phone with Mom, ate supper at 7pm and by 8:30pm when I felt sufficiently digested to walk, it was too dark so I went to the gym and did 25 minutes on the treadmill. Feels Great!

So, a funny thought occurred to me. Here it is. When I left high school at the tender age of 17, I was about 180lbs (like 178 or something). My heaviest weight was 220lbs or so. (Right now I'm 214) And 3 times in my adult life I have lost about 30 lbs: once when Mom lost her job in 1995, on diet pills in 1998 and with Jenny Craig in 2002. Okay, let's do the math.So from 180 to 220 is 40lbs plus 90lbs lost - I have gained 130lbs in the past 14 years! That's crazy! And lost 90.

I'd like to be 150, 160. That's about 65 to lose (then I could say that I lost 155lbs!!). At 2 per week, 8 per month, that's - crap, where's my calculator? 8 months, give or take. End of April. Hmm.

I always do this thing in my head at the gym. I used to read people's success stories in magazines. You know - "I tried everything and with your program I lost 30 pounds and kept it off for 10 days"!! Ah, yeah, sarcasm. You know what I mean. Anyway, when I get going with exercise I always write my success story in my head. Today's was funny:

'I've been dieting since I was 10 months old. I've tried everything: name calling, bribery, starvation, exercise, bulimia, diet pills, Jenny Craig, dietitians but nothing worked! Then I started seeing a shrink...'

How do you think that would go over? Funny. The funny thing is I'm not dieting. Yes, the experiment. I can eat whatever I want. I just don't really want so much. Of course, I haven't lost any weight, either. Snicker.

Gee, dear diary, sure hope I don't become addicted to you! I've been writing an awful lot! Can't see a problem with that, can you? :)

Well, it turns out that I was going about the Big Sisters thing all wrong. The Langley one is separate from the Vancouver/Surrey/Richmond one. So I just called there and I have my own little orientation meeting tomorrow afternoon. This might make the whole process quicker.

God, I feel like a different person these days. It's soooooo good! I half want a mood swing so I can say it wasn't the pill after all. I don't know what to do for birth control without it. Not that it's a problem these days! But I would like to have sex again!!! I'm determined to stick with my two month experiment. It's early days yet.

Look at me. My plans and wants from the past 5 years or more are coming together. I guess this whole Fabian thing, the relationship and the rock bottom, is going to be a blessing after all. Even if we don't work it out. But, of course, I hope we do some day. It kind of scares me to think of a relationship with him again - with anyone. I don't want to go down the same road again, make the same mistakes. But that's in the future. No matter what happens, it won't be anytime soon. And I will deal with it. I feel like I could deal with anything right now. How cool is that?? :)

Good day! I went to the Langley Players meeting tonight. Chris came with me. It was fun. I always have fun with Chris anyway, he's a funny guy. He's a Rog/Scott type person. Male me. Anyway, the meeting was good. Auditions for this show are over but I'll probably help out behind the scenes on this show and try out for a part in the next one.

I'm also thinking about guitar lessons. They are on Thursdays from 5-6. Which kind of interferes with the swimming lessons. Not interferes exactly. Swimming would be Wednesday nights from 8-9. I don't want to over book. There's another swim class on Sunday at 6:45pm. Maybe that would be better. I'm also going to a Big Sister meeting on Monday. That's kind of a long process to get accepted from what I can tell and they expect 3-5 hours per week. yeah, maybe I should do the Sunday swim. Then it will be over November 30th in time to audition for the play. And if that doesn't work out I can do skating or something. I'm also training to do the Vancouver Sun Run in April I ROCK!

And after the meeting I had an excess of energy so I pulled o my jogs and went to the gym. I did an awesome cardio workout. I must look like an idiot, smiling my ass off, singing to myself. But hey, I'm okay with that!

Anyway, I'm sure that everyone who's reading this is wondering what happened with Fabe. Well, he last emailed last night at midnight. I was in bed already, trying to not think about him (didn't work). I replied this evening at about 9pm but nothing back. Didn't really leave an opening for a reply anyway. And that's okay. The lines of communication are open. And, of course, he could be seeing someone. That's okay, too. I want him to date 20 women and realized that they just don't compare to me! Um? What happened to that self loathing girl we all know and love? God I hope she's gone!

Hmmmm. Well, he emailed back. We've actually been emailing back and forth for about 3 hours now. Just one liners. On the last one he brought up the drunken Friday night call. I told him lots of drinking. Damn that Kirk! Oh, well, my own fault. Let the booze get to me. Actually, Dave Dobbin got to me - made me think of Fabe. As if I needed help. More specifically, Dave made me horny for Fabe. Again, as if I needed help! Anyway, I thought that was that, after the mention of the call. But he emailed again. I'm not reading anything into all of this (HA!). Only, let's see. I'm totally not giving up on my 'get a life' plans. They're actually even more important now. Maybe there's a chance... someday.

Crap. I had better control this. I've finally stopped putting the extra pillow next to me. I haven't thrown up in days. I can orgasm without crying. Go slow, very very slow. He could be seeing someone for all I know. Crap.

Okay, it's all good. Just you chill, missy, just you chill. :)

Okay, I'm sitting here AGAIN having a big fight with myself AGAIN! I want I want I want to email Fabian. Just to send him those pictures that I took of him in his underwear. ARG!!! I promised myself that I wouldn't but I want I want. Not to get back together (HA), just contact. Something. I want. I might be losing the battle. It's because I've been good. mentally, I've been so good. But I'm not there. How long am I going to do this, feel this? Am I going to chase him? No, a nice friendly email... hey send me your co-worker's email addresses, they might be able to use these. Ha, ha! Simple, harmless. ????? He didn't email me back when I sent him those 'friends' emails. But he did email me back when I sent the 'going to Newfoundland' email. Just have a good time and I hope everything is going good. So, what's the big deal? It's not like I'm stalking him. He said he wanted to be friends. This sucks. he thinks I'm mental. And rightly so. But look at me. Look at how hard I'm working! Look how good I'm doing! Doesn't that count for something?

Okay, too late - argument's over - I just sent it. Crap.