I had an interesting conversation with myself yesterday at the gym. It was about control. I have been controlled my whole life. First by my folks. Not that I'm saying it was wrong; they were strict, not mean, not abusive, just strict. But there's this part of my personality that lets me be controlled. I've spent my life conforming to others. So, if I did not have that side of me when I was a kid, I would have told Gary Winter to fuck off that night. I would have screamed and fought. But I didn't. I laid there and pretended that I was asleep and that started a cycle of fear in me that I am just learning about. If I had fought Gary that night, the night with Dick never would have happened. Countless nights of lying under someone, letting them abuse my body, years of running from some strange faceless man never would have happened! But that's not it. It's the combination of control, low self-esteem and boy craziness that caused it. And being a very sexual person. But it's like I've always needed the control. It made me comfortable. I didn't have to take any chances, someone else was always making the decisions for me. My folks, then I left them and the fear (?) drove me into Karl's arms. For more control. Is the right word fear? I think maybe comfort again. But obviously a part of me didn't want the control. I left Karl. But then I set out to look for someone else to control me, to guide me, to make my life what I wanted it to be. That's an awful lot to ask of someone, isn't it? I'll give you me but I want you to mold me into the person that I want me to be. Who could possibly succeed? Fabe didn't want to try. Maybe that's what makes me love him and fight him so much. Hmmm.