I had a very reflective evening – I know: odd, but it was bound to happen eventually. It’s practice time. This new version of me, this new angle, the change in perspective is still very new and still evolving so I sat down with a pencil and paper and brainstormed. I wanted to remind myself of what I have learned but also reflect on the things that I had so erroneously accepted to be truth in the past. I always kinda had faith in my ‘I don’t care’ and ‘ten foot pole’ concept of relationships but perhaps the pole has been just a little too long. And perhaps my attitude came from my automatic acceptance of any and all confirmation I could find of the bad things that I thought about myself while never quite considering the fact that I might be wrong.
I will record a couple of concepts here but not all of them – remaining true to the most important one: DON’T OVER ANALYZE! Well, perhaps just a wee bit for fun…
* Don’t force it – let it happen or let it not happen but let it
* Accept that other people think differently, feel differently and live differently
* “Dig it or don’t; just don’t pretend” – Missy Spady
* Don’t say WHATEVER – say WHAT?
* Be your genuine self: some people will like you, some people won’t and that’s okay
* Never apologize for who you are
* Don’t devalue the things that you require to be fulfilled
* T-R-U-S-T
* You don’t have to be saved and you don’t have to save anyone else – just be
* Sometimes it’s gonna hurt… but it will be worth it
* “Free your mind and the rest will follow” – En Vogue
* Do unto others as you would have them do unto you
But don’t turn it into a reward system
* It’s okay to want more
* Let yourself off the hook. And let him off it, too.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Thursday, February 28, 2008
And so on...
Well, I pretty much lost the month of February. I was sick (or whatever that was) for the first week, lazy as my ass during the second week, trying to catch up during the third week and this week has been all about Ian. Time, she is a truckin'.
Ian is recovering well. I went to visit him last night for a couple of hours and he looked so much better than Monday. I have been sleeping in his bed for the past couple of nights, which is somewhat sureal and somewhat comforting. (And Daisy is still the sweetest, most awesomest dog to ever roam the earth!) He comes home tomorrow. I offered to pick him up but I think his mother wants to. I wonder if she feels that I am overstepping my boundaries. Oh, well, from what everyone says, that is just the way she is. I know she likes me, I know she appreciates me helping out and, quite frankly, I'm just gonna be me and not worry about it! It will be interesting to see what happens over the next couple of days, though.
I feel so free. I feel so free from my mind. I had no idea how much torture I was putting myself through. It's still gonna be a process, still going to be a struggle but the awareness that I have now will help me get through the rest of it. Ha! I don't even care enough to write about it... that's how far I have come! [Mini reminder: mood cycle]
Ian is recovering well. I went to visit him last night for a couple of hours and he looked so much better than Monday. I have been sleeping in his bed for the past couple of nights, which is somewhat sureal and somewhat comforting. (And Daisy is still the sweetest, most awesomest dog to ever roam the earth!) He comes home tomorrow. I offered to pick him up but I think his mother wants to. I wonder if she feels that I am overstepping my boundaries. Oh, well, from what everyone says, that is just the way she is. I know she likes me, I know she appreciates me helping out and, quite frankly, I'm just gonna be me and not worry about it! It will be interesting to see what happens over the next couple of days, though.
I feel so free. I feel so free from my mind. I had no idea how much torture I was putting myself through. It's still gonna be a process, still going to be a struggle but the awareness that I have now will help me get through the rest of it. Ha! I don't even care enough to write about it... that's how far I have come! [Mini reminder: mood cycle]
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Here we go again...
I went to see Ian last night... actually, I left work at 2pm and was at the hospital from about 3-8pm. He's doing pretty good, in a lot of pain but no longer diabetic. How crazy is that? He has been diabetic for 28 years. For 28 years he has had to basically obsess over very morsel of food that went into his mouth, he has had lows too low and highs too high and now... all better.
But enough about him... let's talk about my feelings. Haha... cuz that's what we do. I did not (consciously) realize that I am always afraid of over stepping boundaries, I always think that I am not wanted, I always assume that people don't want me around - unless there is something in it for them (men, read: sex). And I guess I always hated the insecurity so I buried it. And that's why I always left. That's why it's so easy for me to walk away... because I assume that I'm not wanted there anyway. [Okay, now I'm crying at work... there's no one else here yet, though]
Maybe that's a reflection of the company I keep. Maybe the company I keep is a reflection of that. Whatever. Maybe it's me. [Do ya think???] Doesn't change the fact. I guess I always knew about that tendancy when it comes to men but it's everyone. If Julie doesn't reply to an email, I assume that she is over me and our friendship is over... and then I get one that says 'yay, just got back from Disneyland'. I sent Karen Hunt an email last week asking her why she doesn't like me anymore, what did I do... and she says 'what'? That planted a seed... perhaps I have been reading this wrong, so wrong. And yesterday I struggled all day over visiting Ian... until I got to the point that I accepted that I needed to see him and his feelings were inmaterial... I still have no idea whether or not he wanted me there. How do you know if you are wanted or not???
How am I supposed to act? How am I supposed to know when to leave? How am I supposed to find the line between when they want me there and when I've overstayed my welcome and people are just too polite to say? At what point do people say 'fuck, go away already'. Ha... with men I think it's usually after I've left 5 or 6 times or after I've been a super bitch for as long as they can take. [perhaps wanting them to push me away?] Hot damn, do I really read people that wrong?? Except now, like yesterday at the hospital with Ian, I said 'is this okay?'. He said yes but as time went on I didn't know if I should go or not. I guess that's why I took it off my shoulders and told him that he has to tell me when to go. But that's different. You can't do that in a social situation nor in a romantic situation. No one is going to say 'it's time for you to go now' so I guess that means that I have to figure it out. And figure it out I always did. But what if I was figuring wrong. Godamit! What have I done to my fucking head? I mean I'm finally straightening it out but everytime I turn another corner I unearth some other godforsaken tidbit of my insecurity that I didn't even know exsisted until a few months ago.
Foot note: The two Stacey's both agree that I am over thinking all of this... however, one says I should visit every day and the other says that I should not visit again until he is home and then only once... why am I confused, again? Can't remember!!!
But enough about him... let's talk about my feelings. Haha... cuz that's what we do. I did not (consciously) realize that I am always afraid of over stepping boundaries, I always think that I am not wanted, I always assume that people don't want me around - unless there is something in it for them (men, read: sex). And I guess I always hated the insecurity so I buried it. And that's why I always left. That's why it's so easy for me to walk away... because I assume that I'm not wanted there anyway. [Okay, now I'm crying at work... there's no one else here yet, though]
Maybe that's a reflection of the company I keep. Maybe the company I keep is a reflection of that. Whatever. Maybe it's me. [Do ya think???] Doesn't change the fact. I guess I always knew about that tendancy when it comes to men but it's everyone. If Julie doesn't reply to an email, I assume that she is over me and our friendship is over... and then I get one that says 'yay, just got back from Disneyland'. I sent Karen Hunt an email last week asking her why she doesn't like me anymore, what did I do... and she says 'what'? That planted a seed... perhaps I have been reading this wrong, so wrong. And yesterday I struggled all day over visiting Ian... until I got to the point that I accepted that I needed to see him and his feelings were inmaterial... I still have no idea whether or not he wanted me there. How do you know if you are wanted or not???
How am I supposed to act? How am I supposed to know when to leave? How am I supposed to find the line between when they want me there and when I've overstayed my welcome and people are just too polite to say? At what point do people say 'fuck, go away already'. Ha... with men I think it's usually after I've left 5 or 6 times or after I've been a super bitch for as long as they can take. [perhaps wanting them to push me away?] Hot damn, do I really read people that wrong?? Except now, like yesterday at the hospital with Ian, I said 'is this okay?'. He said yes but as time went on I didn't know if I should go or not. I guess that's why I took it off my shoulders and told him that he has to tell me when to go. But that's different. You can't do that in a social situation nor in a romantic situation. No one is going to say 'it's time for you to go now' so I guess that means that I have to figure it out. And figure it out I always did. But what if I was figuring wrong. Godamit! What have I done to my fucking head? I mean I'm finally straightening it out but everytime I turn another corner I unearth some other godforsaken tidbit of my insecurity that I didn't even know exsisted until a few months ago.
Foot note: The two Stacey's both agree that I am over thinking all of this... however, one says I should visit every day and the other says that I should not visit again until he is home and then only once... why am I confused, again? Can't remember!!!
Monday, February 25, 2008
Pancreas
Ian had his pancreas transplant on Friday... I got an email from his mom this morning. Something like "I don't know what the problem is with you and Ian but I thought I should tell you". I emailed her back. I called her (after an intense search for her number) and left a message. I called the hospital three times but there is no answer in his room. I called his home number in case his mom was there. I called his cell phone and left a message but it was off. ARGH!!!!!! I need details! I need to see him! I need to see Daisy! I need to make sure he's okay. I'm so excited for him I can't contain myself BUT NO ONE IS ANSWERING MY MESSAGES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thursday, February 21, 2008
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?????????
Godamit! Stop. Seriously. I could just cry... good cry... you know, like, won the lottery cry... just figured it out cry. (By the way? B.C. Green loves me!) It's a cycle.
Simple as that - it's a cycle.
Debra said that once and I said "what?"... she said "but you will still have the cycle"... and I said "the what????????????". And all I thought about is the fact that I would have to live with this for the rest of my life... there is no way to make it go away completely. How did I get so dense? It's the easiest answer of all.
It's a cycle.
It's not a menstrual cycle. It's not once a month, every fourth Thursday. I go through a cycle that... well, I haven't figured it out yet but I know it's a cycle. You might be wondering why I am so excited by that. Don't you realize the steps that I have taken to fix this? Not to mention the things that I did when I didn't even know that I had this fucking head-case disease (what are you supposed to call it? mental illness? No wonder I won't freakin' tell anyone about it!! Mental illness... very nice) like all of the times that I moved, changed jobs, broke up with boyfriends, but do you know all of the things that I have been doing to try to fix this since I found out? Hot damn. A cycle.
Because every time I start feeling down I look for the cause and try to find a way to change it. As soon as anything comes on, I sit down and wait for it, invite it in. Then I look for a way out. I think, since I found out, I have considered killing myself no less than every single time I had a crash. Every single time except the past two. The past two times I have been confident that I would get through it, yes, it's inconvenient, frustrating, confusing but if I want to live then I have to live through it and that's just the way it is. But it was so simple. Nothing brings it on - I mean, to a degree, I am sure there are triggers but it just comes and goes IN A CyClE! Do you know what a relief that is?
Let me clarify because Obviously I knew that there was some kind of a cycle going on. I would bawl my face off for a day and, all the while, think "nothing is wrong" "there is nothing that happened today to cause a complete breakdown". It was just that some days I couldn't cope with the world and I accepted that. That part I got. What I didn't figure out is that all of the days in between those breakdowns are a cycle, too. All of those days that I don't feel like talking to anyone, I don't want to work, I hate my boss, I need to breakup with my boyfriend, I need to find a boyfriend, I need to get laid, I need some booze or pot or a vibrator. All of those days were just part of a cycle. I was feeling shitty... and I kept looking for a reason why and tried to fix it.
Perhaps I could just be for a while. Perhaps I could just live with it, be content, accept it and not be a total bitch and push everyone away and be mad at everyone and look for irritations, assume everyone hates me. If only I could get a new career, that would help. I hate my boss and it is making me change jobs. What's going to be different with the next job, boss, boyfriend, house, dog, car, drink. I am still trying to fix it and I need to stop. I need to accept it, I need to accept me. I'm okay. The constant internal struggle is unnecessary. It's a cycle and it will go away in time. Same boyfriend, same job, same boss, same life.
Muthrfuker!
Simple as that - it's a cycle.
Debra said that once and I said "what?"... she said "but you will still have the cycle"... and I said "the what????????????". And all I thought about is the fact that I would have to live with this for the rest of my life... there is no way to make it go away completely. How did I get so dense? It's the easiest answer of all.
It's a cycle.
It's not a menstrual cycle. It's not once a month, every fourth Thursday. I go through a cycle that... well, I haven't figured it out yet but I know it's a cycle. You might be wondering why I am so excited by that. Don't you realize the steps that I have taken to fix this? Not to mention the things that I did when I didn't even know that I had this fucking head-case disease (what are you supposed to call it? mental illness? No wonder I won't freakin' tell anyone about it!! Mental illness... very nice) like all of the times that I moved, changed jobs, broke up with boyfriends, but do you know all of the things that I have been doing to try to fix this since I found out? Hot damn. A cycle.
Because every time I start feeling down I look for the cause and try to find a way to change it. As soon as anything comes on, I sit down and wait for it, invite it in. Then I look for a way out. I think, since I found out, I have considered killing myself no less than every single time I had a crash. Every single time except the past two. The past two times I have been confident that I would get through it, yes, it's inconvenient, frustrating, confusing but if I want to live then I have to live through it and that's just the way it is. But it was so simple. Nothing brings it on - I mean, to a degree, I am sure there are triggers but it just comes and goes IN A CyClE! Do you know what a relief that is?
Let me clarify because Obviously I knew that there was some kind of a cycle going on. I would bawl my face off for a day and, all the while, think "nothing is wrong" "there is nothing that happened today to cause a complete breakdown". It was just that some days I couldn't cope with the world and I accepted that. That part I got. What I didn't figure out is that all of the days in between those breakdowns are a cycle, too. All of those days that I don't feel like talking to anyone, I don't want to work, I hate my boss, I need to breakup with my boyfriend, I need to find a boyfriend, I need to get laid, I need some booze or pot or a vibrator. All of those days were just part of a cycle. I was feeling shitty... and I kept looking for a reason why and tried to fix it.
Perhaps I could just be for a while. Perhaps I could just live with it, be content, accept it and not be a total bitch and push everyone away and be mad at everyone and look for irritations, assume everyone hates me. If only I could get a new career, that would help. I hate my boss and it is making me change jobs. What's going to be different with the next job, boss, boyfriend, house, dog, car, drink. I am still trying to fix it and I need to stop. I need to accept it, I need to accept me. I'm okay. The constant internal struggle is unnecessary. It's a cycle and it will go away in time. Same boyfriend, same job, same boss, same life.
Muthrfuker!
Maybe this...
You know, I think my real reason for being bothered by Ian not contacting me is it's kinda fucking up my faith in humanity. I have spent my whole life screwing around with strangers... I never thought much of their lines because they just wanted to fuck me and I just wanted to fuck them and, with that kind of person, I never wanted more. But with someone that I care about (I can care and not be in love) it kind of hurts me that he would work so hard to make me feel that he liked me beyond the sex and then not show it. Of course, from his perspective, maybe he read my no to sex as my no to everything... which is okay. Yes, I will look at it that way and then he's not an ass. And I am saying no to everything. I don't want to go backward, I don't want to be with someone because I am lonely (cuz I'm really not for the most part) and I don't want to have sex for sex's sake. I'll wait for my hot guy, I'll wait for the one who will get me and I will get him and we will struggle and fight but we will do it because the good part is so much bigger than the bad. I'm keeping the faith in humanity... and maybe letting go of some of my respect for Ian (maybe I can see what I want to be his perspective but it doesn't mean that he wasn't trying to use me for a quick fuck).
Footnote: This was written on the day that Ian got the call to go in for his pancreas. Oops! Perhaps I don't have the best judgment when it comes to this stuff!
Footnote: This was written on the day that Ian got the call to go in for his pancreas. Oops! Perhaps I don't have the best judgment when it comes to this stuff!
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Moving on...
The really funny thing about it is that, after all of this time of feeling like crap, it's hard to pull back out of the habits. I think I had nachos/cheese/sour cream/salsa for supper every day for two weeks (or close!). And the not being able to work, to study, to concentrate. Now I feel okay, I can do these things but I keep stopping my work to putter online and I am sitting here trying to convince myself that I should go to a movie after work instead of run/study. I tell myself that it would be a treat, a welcome back evening - which would inevitably include some other stuff. But I have been slacking off for so long that now I need to get back at it.
And why do I want Ian to call/email. Why? Why? Seriously, wtf? I'm a freak. I guess it's nice to have someone that wants to be with you. But wouldn't we just go down that same road again? Part of me wants him to chase, the other part will be happy if he doesn't... so I guess I am on the fence and we will just have to wait and see what happens next.
And why do I want Ian to call/email. Why? Why? Seriously, wtf? I'm a freak. I guess it's nice to have someone that wants to be with you. But wouldn't we just go down that same road again? Part of me wants him to chase, the other part will be happy if he doesn't... so I guess I am on the fence and we will just have to wait and see what happens next.
That's progress, baby!
A few things happened yesterday that I would like to comment on...
First of all, I had a big crash yesterday... started crying (AT WORK!), went home early, had a crazy headache, slept for two hours and felt like me again when I got up. More like me than I have all month. I'm not saying it's all over because it has been a seriously bad up and down month but I will take even a little reprieve at this point. Today my brain seems to be working normally ... and even at my lowest moment yesterday I didn't lose hope, I didn't want to kill myself, I didn't feel trapped and discouraged because this obviously will never end. What I did do was question it.
So, in light of the questions that I want answered, I started a journal to record how much I sleep, eat, exercise, study, socialize, drink, partake in other extra-ciricular activities. I will record the weather, where I go, what I do, who I interact with, how I feel physically and mentally. Maybe I will find a trigger that I missed in the past or, at the very least, notice a cycle of cause and effect that will enable me to determine when a crash is coming on and learn to work with it instead of against it.
Another noteable event happened in the evening. I walked down to Ian's to collect my purchase. He made dinner. He put the moves on me again and again. I reminded him that he said we shouldn't do this anymore but still he was persistent. I let him kiss me, I let him touch me, pleasure me and then I pushed him away. A little later he tried again but he more just hugged me than anything else. I kept telling him no but I have to admit it was no to casual screwing around more so than no to sex. At one point he said "you're still good"... does this mean that I once was bad? That comment sparked a sliver of a memory but I just can't grasp it... was I not good somehow... and how was I not good? In a way it pissed me off that he was so persistent. Flattering I guess, which is why I have opened my legs for all those other men but was it flattering? How can it be offensive and flattering at the same time? He obviously wanted to get his rocks off and was willing to use what advantage he could to get his way. Which I get but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt at the same time. And so I made him walk me home.
Casual friendship sex is an absolute no that I will not waiver on (go me!!!!!!) but would I say yes to more? I honestly don't know the answer to that question. What I do know is that, if he wants me, he is going to have to work for it, he is going to have to convince me because I will not start up again like it was. The last time we started seeing each other he hurt my feelings a lot and he didn't get it. I was willing to give it my all but when push came to shove he walked away... and started looking for someone else. He has gotten me twice with that plentyoffish shit and it will not happen again. So I guess I will wait and see where - if anywhere - he takes this but I am not giving the milk away for free. I am different, I expect more and I deserve more!
See? Progress!
First of all, I had a big crash yesterday... started crying (AT WORK!), went home early, had a crazy headache, slept for two hours and felt like me again when I got up. More like me than I have all month. I'm not saying it's all over because it has been a seriously bad up and down month but I will take even a little reprieve at this point. Today my brain seems to be working normally ... and even at my lowest moment yesterday I didn't lose hope, I didn't want to kill myself, I didn't feel trapped and discouraged because this obviously will never end. What I did do was question it.
So, in light of the questions that I want answered, I started a journal to record how much I sleep, eat, exercise, study, socialize, drink, partake in other extra-ciricular activities. I will record the weather, where I go, what I do, who I interact with, how I feel physically and mentally. Maybe I will find a trigger that I missed in the past or, at the very least, notice a cycle of cause and effect that will enable me to determine when a crash is coming on and learn to work with it instead of against it.
Another noteable event happened in the evening. I walked down to Ian's to collect my purchase. He made dinner. He put the moves on me again and again. I reminded him that he said we shouldn't do this anymore but still he was persistent. I let him kiss me, I let him touch me, pleasure me and then I pushed him away. A little later he tried again but he more just hugged me than anything else. I kept telling him no but I have to admit it was no to casual screwing around more so than no to sex. At one point he said "you're still good"... does this mean that I once was bad? That comment sparked a sliver of a memory but I just can't grasp it... was I not good somehow... and how was I not good? In a way it pissed me off that he was so persistent. Flattering I guess, which is why I have opened my legs for all those other men but was it flattering? How can it be offensive and flattering at the same time? He obviously wanted to get his rocks off and was willing to use what advantage he could to get his way. Which I get but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt at the same time. And so I made him walk me home.
Casual friendship sex is an absolute no that I will not waiver on (go me!!!!!!) but would I say yes to more? I honestly don't know the answer to that question. What I do know is that, if he wants me, he is going to have to work for it, he is going to have to convince me because I will not start up again like it was. The last time we started seeing each other he hurt my feelings a lot and he didn't get it. I was willing to give it my all but when push came to shove he walked away... and started looking for someone else. He has gotten me twice with that plentyoffish shit and it will not happen again. So I guess I will wait and see where - if anywhere - he takes this but I am not giving the milk away for free. I am different, I expect more and I deserve more!
See? Progress!
Monday, February 18, 2008
Is it time?
I was just thinking... (ya, I know... that almost never happens!) maybe it's time to let myself off the hook. Maybe what I need to do to get past this is let it go. It's so frustrating. Am I not in control of myself? Does it have to be all or nothing? Can't I just be? Just be something in the middle? Maybe what I need to do to find myself is just stop looking?
Why do I make everything into such a big deal? Here's a theory under development... maybe I always thought a man would make it better because when I am in a relationship I don't have as much time to concentrate on my shit. Maybe I don't have to pressure myself to study every available minute of every day... because when I don't study constantly, I don't do it at all. Maybe I don't have to lose every single pound today... because if I am not dieting, I am pigging out. Maybe I don't have to find "the one" right now... because if I am not desperately in love, I am single. Maybe I don't have to get wasted every day... because if I am not sober, I am loaded. Maybe I do expect too much of myself... because if I don't have it all together, I am in a million little pieces. Maybe it's time to just let me be.
Why do I make everything into such a big deal? Here's a theory under development... maybe I always thought a man would make it better because when I am in a relationship I don't have as much time to concentrate on my shit. Maybe I don't have to pressure myself to study every available minute of every day... because when I don't study constantly, I don't do it at all. Maybe I don't have to lose every single pound today... because if I am not dieting, I am pigging out. Maybe I don't have to find "the one" right now... because if I am not desperately in love, I am single. Maybe I don't have to get wasted every day... because if I am not sober, I am loaded. Maybe I do expect too much of myself... because if I don't have it all together, I am in a million little pieces. Maybe it's time to just let me be.
And another thing...
I guess another thing that makes me want to bury my head in the sand is not knowing what the future holds in my job. It's like the proverbial rock and hard place. I have been paid way too much over the past couple of years and that is going back to less - much less. I am stressed! I have no savings, I owe a million dollars in back taxes, my line of credit keeps getting bigger and bigger and I don't see the light yet. You know, end of the tunnel stuff. And the fact that I hate my job doesn't help much. But if I were to change to another job I wouldn't make any more than I am now. But maybe I would like it more. Or maybe I would eventually feel about it as I do this.
Learnin'
I'm stuck again. Or perhaps I am coming out of it because I am at the point that I am ready to do something about it. What do I call the past two weeks? I was sick in bed for the first week - was I? I didn't want to go to work, I didn't want to go out, I didn't want to talk to anyone. But, see... this is so confusing. I wasn't depressed about anything, I wasn't crying, I wasn't feeling sad... I just didn't want. Perhaps I was just lazy. Anyway, that week went by and I didn't study or go to work or exercise or do any of the things that I am supposed to do. Okay, so I took a week off... no biggie. But then, during the second week, while I did go to work and I did what I absolutely HAD to do, I still didn't want. I skimmed my duties, I shuffled papers and played games online all week. Am I supposed to look for excuses? Yeah, I had to pick up Mom at the airport and that was pretty late so I didn't get much sleep; yes, I brought her to the ferry the next day but I left work as early as I could get away with and canceled plans with Fabian because I didn't feel like dealing with anything else that day. I still didn't study, I didn't exercise, I didn't go out, I did what I absolutely HAD to do and not a tiny, single thing more. I didn't even pass in my accounting quiz or go to my midterm on Saturday morning. What I did do is go down to Ian's on Thursday to visit with Daisy and had a puff puff pass. I almost almost almost stayed the night. I was super proud of myself for leaving but would I have left if it wasn't for my time of the month???
I guess what those personality profiles say is true: I hold myself up to extremely high standards. I think what the problem is is that, if I don't live up to those standards, I don't do anything. Was I feeling stressed and hiding from it? I have lots of work to do, my desk is flooding over with paper and here I am... typing away. I did have a realization a couple of weeks ago when I was super-hating Joe and that was that the things that he most pissed me off about were things that I should have done but didn't have done. High standards and extremely easy-going. Is it time to start lowering the standards that I expect of myself and be a little more hard-going?
But how do I lower my standards? Getting pissed off with the fact that I don't do everything that I expect of myself... will I not also get pissed off when I find that I am unable to lower my standards? Is it not my easy-going nature that let me off the hook when I somehow decided that I was not going to acheive all of the things that I expected myself to acheive? Then again, is constantly berating myself and feeling guilty and feeling like I should do more letting myself off the hook? Maybe I should listen to myself more. I know I should be doing my work right now. I know I should be studying. I know that I will regret it if I blow another course. I know that it's time to sign off here again and try to get my shit back together.
I guess what those personality profiles say is true: I hold myself up to extremely high standards. I think what the problem is is that, if I don't live up to those standards, I don't do anything. Was I feeling stressed and hiding from it? I have lots of work to do, my desk is flooding over with paper and here I am... typing away. I did have a realization a couple of weeks ago when I was super-hating Joe and that was that the things that he most pissed me off about were things that I should have done but didn't have done. High standards and extremely easy-going. Is it time to start lowering the standards that I expect of myself and be a little more hard-going?
But how do I lower my standards? Getting pissed off with the fact that I don't do everything that I expect of myself... will I not also get pissed off when I find that I am unable to lower my standards? Is it not my easy-going nature that let me off the hook when I somehow decided that I was not going to acheive all of the things that I expected myself to acheive? Then again, is constantly berating myself and feeling guilty and feeling like I should do more letting myself off the hook? Maybe I should listen to myself more. I know I should be doing my work right now. I know I should be studying. I know that I will regret it if I blow another course. I know that it's time to sign off here again and try to get my shit back together.
Fish Chemistry
befralee Relationship Chemistry Test Results
Self-Confidence
As someone with high self-confidence, you feel quite comfortable interacting with other people. Indeed, you find the company of others very stimulating and enjoy meeting new people. Your relaxed demeanor in groups makes people around you comfortable too. Perhaps because you feel comfortable talking about yourself, others tend to enjoy being around you and perceive you as socially competent.
The confidence that helps you feel comfortable talking to people also spills into your own personal beliefs about yourself. Although you have several strengths, it’s likely that you also acknowledge and accept your weaknesses. But unlike some people, you take full responsibility for your actions—you rarely regret things you’ve done in the past and are not embarrassed easily.
Perhaps the defining feature that sets you apart from most people is the exceptionally high standards that you set for yourself. Your competence in social gatherings as well as at work should provide ample evidence for this. With these characteristics, it’s very likely that people come to you for advice and generally think of you as someone with leader-like qualities.
Family Orientation
As someone who respects family values, you tend to enjoy the company of family-members and are open to living a domestic life. If you have children already, you enjoy spending time with them very much and work hard to be a good parent, but may occasionally wish to “cut-loose” and let your true colors show. If you don’t have children, you probably desire having a family sometime in the distant future. Although you occasionally enjoy cooking at home, you also like going to restaurants. This has the potential to create added stress as you transition into parenthood.
You are attracted to the idea of having a family and may be willing to work hard to achieve this, although not necessarily any time soon. This conflict is illustrated by the fact that you don’t mind doing things around the house—like cooking and entertaining guests—on the one hand. But, on the other hand, you also like going to restaurants and parties. It’s possible that in time you might prefer spending time at home more because you won’t feel like you’re missing anything when you don’t go out.
One aspect of yourself that makes you likely to become more family oriented is that you generally know how to manage your frustrations and work well on your own. This means that you have some of the basic ingredients to enjoy family life. Maintaining a tidy home, keeping a well-stocked kitchen, and making sure the kids are safe is a tough job. So attending to these things, while also taking care of yourself, may prove somewhat difficult for you.
Self-Control
The self-control personality dimension captures the way in which a person regulates and directs him or herself. Being low in self-control can be both good and bad. Occasionally people may be compelled to follow their intuitions and give in to their temptations, and your degree of self-control makes this likely to happen more often than not. This can be good in circumstances where being relaxed and open are important. However, in situations where it is necessary to be focused and careful, you might find that you do or say things that may be inappropriate.
As someone who exerts little control over your actions, you may find that you commit social blunders that might offend other people and get yourself in trouble. For example, if you’re given responsibility to work on a project that requires close attention to detail, you may be likely to overlook important details because you have difficulty staying focused. Consequently, you might feel more comfortable delegating such tasks to other people who are more detail oriented. Being able to recognize such characteristics in yourself and having more detail-oriented people do such tasks could be an effective way to manage your own stress level.
Low self-control may diminish your effectiveness at work. Acting too relaxed can make it difficult for you to focus on projects that require organized sequences of steps or stages. Thus, your ability to accomplish may be inconsistent. Indeed, it’s possible that you might be criticized periodically for being unreliable or unable to “stay within the lines.” Nonetheless, you may still experience many short-lived pleasures and never be thought of as boring.
Openness
As someone high in openness, you have a strong appreciation for beauty, both in art and nature. Indeed, it’s likely that you are easily absorbed in music and art, as well as natural phenomena. Another aspect of your openness is your emotional insight; that is, you probably have good access to and awareness of your own emotions.
Another aspect of the openness dimension is the tendency to think about abstract concepts and ideas. This thinking style may take the form of artistic and metaphorical use of language, and/or music composition or performance. Thus, it is likely that, either in your work or spare time, you enjoy activities that get your “creative juices” flowing.
Your tendency to be open-minded can have advantages and disadvantages. For instance, when there are no clear rules about how to approach a particular problem, your openness makes it easier for you to identify new ways to solve problems that might not be very obvious to people that are not as open as you are. In contrast, you may be bored easily in situations that lack high amounts of intellectual stimulation. In such cases, you might have difficulty excelling on projects that do not provide much stimulation or require much creative thinking.
Easygoingness
Easygoingness refers to one's ability to relax. Based on your score, you appear to “take things as they come” and enjoy having a good time. However, being high in easygoingness also has the potential to produce stress in a number of ways. For example, you may find it difficult to complete tasks thoroughly and efficiently. In this way, being high in easygoingness cannot only make your life difficult, but also the lives of the people around you. Another potential problem with being too high in easygoingness is that it can provide you with gratification in the short-term, but in the long-term provide undesirable consequences.
High easygoingness, even when not seriously destructive, may also diminish your effectiveness at work, for example. You may find it aversive and difficult to put in all the effort that may sometimes be needed to effectively accomplish certain tasks. For this reason, your colleagues might view you as forgetful and unfocused.
How does your personality affect your love life?
Given the strong degree of confidence that you have, it’s no surprise that you get along well with most people. Indeed, it’s self-confidence that allows people to feel comfortable interacting with others without feeling insecure and vulnerable. For this reason, you shouldn’t have much difficulty in romance, at least not initially. Your social skills will likely help relieve any anxiety your romantic partners might have on those first few dates. However, over time, the high standards that you have for yourself could potentially frustrate your partner.
Because you respect family values but appreciate a good night out on the town, you probably get along well with people that are different from you. For this reason, you would probably be quite content in a romantic relationship with someone who shares your same values on these issues. Being in a relationship with someone who enjoys going out to parties and staying-up late at night might be fun, at least initially; yet it’s likely that you will find this tiring over time. Thus, it might be easier and more satisfying for you to develop a long-lasting relationship with a person who enjoys both spending time at home and going out to eat.
As someone who is more relaxed than most people, you likely get along with most people quite well. Chances are that your friends and colleagues perceive you as lively, fun to be with, and good-humored. When it comes to romance, you’ll likely be attracted to most people. However, your free-spirited nature might make being in a relationship with a person that is more rigid than you difficult because you might perceive the person as being too uptight and controlling.
Your openness probably makes it easy for you to respect and appreciate people that are different from you. However, when it comes to romantic relationships, your openness might make it difficult for you to tolerate people that cannot appreciate diversity as much as you. Therefore, you may be happiest in serious relationships with people that share your open-mindedness. But, your openness might occasionally cause a certain degree of dependency on your end because you may be so open that you easily adopt the preferences and habits of your partners and gradually relinquish things that make you so unique.
Copyright 2001-2008 Plentyoffish Media INC
Self-Confidence
As someone with high self-confidence, you feel quite comfortable interacting with other people. Indeed, you find the company of others very stimulating and enjoy meeting new people. Your relaxed demeanor in groups makes people around you comfortable too. Perhaps because you feel comfortable talking about yourself, others tend to enjoy being around you and perceive you as socially competent.
The confidence that helps you feel comfortable talking to people also spills into your own personal beliefs about yourself. Although you have several strengths, it’s likely that you also acknowledge and accept your weaknesses. But unlike some people, you take full responsibility for your actions—you rarely regret things you’ve done in the past and are not embarrassed easily.
Perhaps the defining feature that sets you apart from most people is the exceptionally high standards that you set for yourself. Your competence in social gatherings as well as at work should provide ample evidence for this. With these characteristics, it’s very likely that people come to you for advice and generally think of you as someone with leader-like qualities.
Family Orientation
As someone who respects family values, you tend to enjoy the company of family-members and are open to living a domestic life. If you have children already, you enjoy spending time with them very much and work hard to be a good parent, but may occasionally wish to “cut-loose” and let your true colors show. If you don’t have children, you probably desire having a family sometime in the distant future. Although you occasionally enjoy cooking at home, you also like going to restaurants. This has the potential to create added stress as you transition into parenthood.
You are attracted to the idea of having a family and may be willing to work hard to achieve this, although not necessarily any time soon. This conflict is illustrated by the fact that you don’t mind doing things around the house—like cooking and entertaining guests—on the one hand. But, on the other hand, you also like going to restaurants and parties. It’s possible that in time you might prefer spending time at home more because you won’t feel like you’re missing anything when you don’t go out.
One aspect of yourself that makes you likely to become more family oriented is that you generally know how to manage your frustrations and work well on your own. This means that you have some of the basic ingredients to enjoy family life. Maintaining a tidy home, keeping a well-stocked kitchen, and making sure the kids are safe is a tough job. So attending to these things, while also taking care of yourself, may prove somewhat difficult for you.
Self-Control
The self-control personality dimension captures the way in which a person regulates and directs him or herself. Being low in self-control can be both good and bad. Occasionally people may be compelled to follow their intuitions and give in to their temptations, and your degree of self-control makes this likely to happen more often than not. This can be good in circumstances where being relaxed and open are important. However, in situations where it is necessary to be focused and careful, you might find that you do or say things that may be inappropriate.
As someone who exerts little control over your actions, you may find that you commit social blunders that might offend other people and get yourself in trouble. For example, if you’re given responsibility to work on a project that requires close attention to detail, you may be likely to overlook important details because you have difficulty staying focused. Consequently, you might feel more comfortable delegating such tasks to other people who are more detail oriented. Being able to recognize such characteristics in yourself and having more detail-oriented people do such tasks could be an effective way to manage your own stress level.
Low self-control may diminish your effectiveness at work. Acting too relaxed can make it difficult for you to focus on projects that require organized sequences of steps or stages. Thus, your ability to accomplish may be inconsistent. Indeed, it’s possible that you might be criticized periodically for being unreliable or unable to “stay within the lines.” Nonetheless, you may still experience many short-lived pleasures and never be thought of as boring.
Openness
As someone high in openness, you have a strong appreciation for beauty, both in art and nature. Indeed, it’s likely that you are easily absorbed in music and art, as well as natural phenomena. Another aspect of your openness is your emotional insight; that is, you probably have good access to and awareness of your own emotions.
Another aspect of the openness dimension is the tendency to think about abstract concepts and ideas. This thinking style may take the form of artistic and metaphorical use of language, and/or music composition or performance. Thus, it is likely that, either in your work or spare time, you enjoy activities that get your “creative juices” flowing.
Your tendency to be open-minded can have advantages and disadvantages. For instance, when there are no clear rules about how to approach a particular problem, your openness makes it easier for you to identify new ways to solve problems that might not be very obvious to people that are not as open as you are. In contrast, you may be bored easily in situations that lack high amounts of intellectual stimulation. In such cases, you might have difficulty excelling on projects that do not provide much stimulation or require much creative thinking.
Easygoingness
Easygoingness refers to one's ability to relax. Based on your score, you appear to “take things as they come” and enjoy having a good time. However, being high in easygoingness also has the potential to produce stress in a number of ways. For example, you may find it difficult to complete tasks thoroughly and efficiently. In this way, being high in easygoingness cannot only make your life difficult, but also the lives of the people around you. Another potential problem with being too high in easygoingness is that it can provide you with gratification in the short-term, but in the long-term provide undesirable consequences.
High easygoingness, even when not seriously destructive, may also diminish your effectiveness at work, for example. You may find it aversive and difficult to put in all the effort that may sometimes be needed to effectively accomplish certain tasks. For this reason, your colleagues might view you as forgetful and unfocused.
How does your personality affect your love life?
Given the strong degree of confidence that you have, it’s no surprise that you get along well with most people. Indeed, it’s self-confidence that allows people to feel comfortable interacting with others without feeling insecure and vulnerable. For this reason, you shouldn’t have much difficulty in romance, at least not initially. Your social skills will likely help relieve any anxiety your romantic partners might have on those first few dates. However, over time, the high standards that you have for yourself could potentially frustrate your partner.
Because you respect family values but appreciate a good night out on the town, you probably get along well with people that are different from you. For this reason, you would probably be quite content in a romantic relationship with someone who shares your same values on these issues. Being in a relationship with someone who enjoys going out to parties and staying-up late at night might be fun, at least initially; yet it’s likely that you will find this tiring over time. Thus, it might be easier and more satisfying for you to develop a long-lasting relationship with a person who enjoys both spending time at home and going out to eat.
As someone who is more relaxed than most people, you likely get along with most people quite well. Chances are that your friends and colleagues perceive you as lively, fun to be with, and good-humored. When it comes to romance, you’ll likely be attracted to most people. However, your free-spirited nature might make being in a relationship with a person that is more rigid than you difficult because you might perceive the person as being too uptight and controlling.
Your openness probably makes it easy for you to respect and appreciate people that are different from you. However, when it comes to romantic relationships, your openness might make it difficult for you to tolerate people that cannot appreciate diversity as much as you. Therefore, you may be happiest in serious relationships with people that share your open-mindedness. But, your openness might occasionally cause a certain degree of dependency on your end because you may be so open that you easily adopt the preferences and habits of your partners and gradually relinquish things that make you so unique.
Copyright 2001-2008 Plentyoffish Media INC
Sunday, January 27, 2008
A Cowboy Walks into a Drug Store...
----- Original Message -----
From: Beverly McGrath
Sent: Thursday, January 24, 2008 11:56 AM
Subject: FW: A Cowboy Walks into a Drug Store...
A Texas cowboy walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The elderly woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and as she and her also widowed elderly sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help the gentleman.
The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The old bronco-buster agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it."
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister. When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3,000 a month plus living expenses.
Date: Sun, 24 Feb 2008 14:00:11 -0800
From: fabe_p@shaw.ca
Subject: Re: A Cowboy Walks into a Drug Store...
To: newfiebev@hotmail.com
How did you know that was my problem as well?
----- Original Message -----
From: Beverly McGrath
To: fabe
Sent: Thursday, January 24, 2008 2:29 PM
Subject: RE: A Cowboy Walks into a Drug Store...
Haha... well, I don't have a store but how about $5000 a month and living expenses????
Date: Sun, 24 Feb 2008 14:33:02 -0800
From: fabe_p@shaw.ca
Subject: Re: A Cowboy Walks into a Drug Store...
To: newfiebev@hotmail.com
Am I worth that much?
----- Original Message -----
From: Beverly McGrath
To: fabe
Sent: Thursday, January 24, 2008 2:37 PM
Subject: RE: A Cowboy Walks into a Drug Store...
Or am I just that desperate?? Okay, okay... I'll buy you a store, too!
Date: Sun, 24 Feb 2008 14:44:07 -0800
From: fabe_p@shaw.ca
Subject: Re: A Cowboy Walks into a Drug Store...
To: newfiebev@hotmail.com
Would you be into a 2 for one deal....or should we stop now.....lol
From: newfiebev@hotmail.com
To: fabe_p@shaw.ca
Subject: RE: A Cowboy Walks into a Drug Store...
Date: Thu, 24 Jan 2008 15:02:22 -0800
Ya, time to stop... you just lost me anyway!
TEXT MSG
From: Fabe
To: Bev
Just 2 let u know that last email was not a tease. Would b fun!
TEXT MSG
From: Bev
To: Fabe
Haha-the funny thing is that my last email wasn't a joke, either! One on one I would consider but the group thing is a huge turn on as a fantasy but not my scene as a reality. And, besides, you are practically a married man!
TEXT MSG
From: Fabe
To: Bev
I sug it bcause she wants 2 try it. A safe way 4 us all 2 try it.
TEXT MSG
From: Bev
To: Fabe
You, me and your girlfriend?? Not on your life, buster! Not in a million years! Not if it was the only time I could have sex for the rest of my life! Not for money, fame or eternal youth! So, I guess what I'm trying to say is... thanks, but no thanks!
TEXT MSG
From: Fabe
To: Bev
So what ur telling me is maybe! Kidding! The subtle no confused me. We can still do coffee right?
TEXT MSG
From: Bev
To: Fabe
Of course we can... anytime!
***Way to make me lose all hope of us ever being together, dude. Is he that fucked up??***
From: Beverly McGrath
Sent: Thursday, January 24, 2008 11:56 AM
Subject: FW: A Cowboy Walks into a Drug Store...
A Texas cowboy walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The elderly woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and as she and her also widowed elderly sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help the gentleman.
The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The old bronco-buster agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it."
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister. When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3,000 a month plus living expenses.
Date: Sun, 24 Feb 2008 14:00:11 -0800
From: fabe_p@shaw.ca
Subject: Re: A Cowboy Walks into a Drug Store...
To: newfiebev@hotmail.com
How did you know that was my problem as well?
----- Original Message -----
From: Beverly McGrath
To: fabe
Sent: Thursday, January 24, 2008 2:29 PM
Subject: RE: A Cowboy Walks into a Drug Store...
Haha... well, I don't have a store but how about $5000 a month and living expenses????
Date: Sun, 24 Feb 2008 14:33:02 -0800
From: fabe_p@shaw.ca
Subject: Re: A Cowboy Walks into a Drug Store...
To: newfiebev@hotmail.com
Am I worth that much?
----- Original Message -----
From: Beverly McGrath
To: fabe
Sent: Thursday, January 24, 2008 2:37 PM
Subject: RE: A Cowboy Walks into a Drug Store...
Or am I just that desperate?? Okay, okay... I'll buy you a store, too!
Date: Sun, 24 Feb 2008 14:44:07 -0800
From: fabe_p@shaw.ca
Subject: Re: A Cowboy Walks into a Drug Store...
To: newfiebev@hotmail.com
Would you be into a 2 for one deal....or should we stop now.....lol
From: newfiebev@hotmail.com
To: fabe_p@shaw.ca
Subject: RE: A Cowboy Walks into a Drug Store...
Date: Thu, 24 Jan 2008 15:02:22 -0800
Ya, time to stop... you just lost me anyway!
TEXT MSG
From: Fabe
To: Bev
Just 2 let u know that last email was not a tease. Would b fun!
TEXT MSG
From: Bev
To: Fabe
Haha-the funny thing is that my last email wasn't a joke, either! One on one I would consider but the group thing is a huge turn on as a fantasy but not my scene as a reality. And, besides, you are practically a married man!
TEXT MSG
From: Fabe
To: Bev
I sug it bcause she wants 2 try it. A safe way 4 us all 2 try it.
TEXT MSG
From: Bev
To: Fabe
You, me and your girlfriend?? Not on your life, buster! Not in a million years! Not if it was the only time I could have sex for the rest of my life! Not for money, fame or eternal youth! So, I guess what I'm trying to say is... thanks, but no thanks!
TEXT MSG
From: Fabe
To: Bev
So what ur telling me is maybe! Kidding! The subtle no confused me. We can still do coffee right?
TEXT MSG
From: Bev
To: Fabe
Of course we can... anytime!
***Way to make me lose all hope of us ever being together, dude. Is he that fucked up??***
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Nope, I hate him
I guess I always have to have someone to bitch about, don't I? Well, right now it's Joe... in record quantities! I think half the problem is that I've already decided to leave and I don't care anymore. I don't care what he says, I don't care what he does, I don't care if I come in late (not that I ever did!), I don't care if I fake sick, I don't care, I don't care, I want out! I remember going through this with Diane at the mall, too, though and I don't want it to end like that. I want to do a good job, I want to get caught up on all of this stuff that is piling up on my desk... how do I get him to stop fucking driving me nuts? Should I be like Jacquie and act like his adoring wife? Should I just go along with everything that he says and smile and be happy because it doesn't matter to me anymore? I just... whatever... I'm leaving, I should be kissing ass to get as much cash out of the guy that I can before I go. Kiss ass. Hmmm. Yeah. Don't know if I can do that. Even if it's to get what I want. Okay, I'll try. X3
Monday, January 21, 2008
Is Hate Too Strong A Word?
Omigod... Joe is driving up the fucking wall and back down again. He is now pretty much the only man in my life and I could break his fucking neck if I were that type of person. I'm not. Last week I was going to write this nice post about realizing that the reason he pisses me off so much is because he is usually asking about things that I don't have done. To a degree, that is true. I confess, I have not been the best employee for the last year or so (I'm bored out of my mind here!). But, mutherfuker, he is just irritating - about the work that I have done and the work that I don't. I told him this morning, too. I said "you are extremely difficult to work for". He changes the rules based on his moods. "Well, I was under the impression that it was already done this way." We put the salesmen's policies in writing and had each of them sign a copy and I am sofa king glad that I had that to back me up... you don't just change policy because you feel that you should be getting more money out of the company. Yes, so you put money in - that was your choice. You also get every damn personal expense that one could have paid by the company. You have no phone bill, no electricty, you receive rent for an office that we don't even use, you have your weekly house cleaning paid by the company, come the fuck on! Arrrrrggggggggggggggggggggggghh!
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Just go...
You know, I'm just going to start writing here without reading previous posts first. If I repeat something, well so be it! And that's the thing... so what? I think that's the biggest thing that I have learned through all of this. When I was a kid all I heard (with my kid ears, obviously... I get it now but I didn't then), all I heard from Mom was that I was too fat and all I heard from Dad was that I was too slow, too clutzy, too in the way... basically, what I heard was that I was not good enough. And I believed it. It didn't make much of a difference first. I mean, I remember believing it but I think I questioned it back then. At some point, though, I stopped questioning it. It just was. I believed it and I found confirmation everywhere (because I constantly looked for confirmation). *the funny thing is that I just realized that I only believed the confirmation of the bad stuff, not the good stuff*
What I wish I knew back then was that I could say "so??". So what if I'm too fat? Does that make me less of a person? NO! I thought that it did. NO! So what if I'm slow, if I'm a clutz, if I do everything wrong? So what? They made me so paranoid about everything that I did so I never did anything right. How could I? When I wanted to quit piano and skating and swimming and skiing and everything else, why did no one tell me that it was okay to not be the best? It is okay to just do things because you love doing them. How many things did I cheat myself of? So many, so many. And, if I could have said "so?", then maybe I wouldn't have been fat, maybe I wouldn't have quit all of those things, maybe it was okay to try and fail. Because then you just try again. And again. And again if you need to. You get better. Maybe sometimes you don't get better and you suck and you end up playing Jingle Bells for the rest of your life. And you enjoy it because you loved playing it.
Omigod, I'm getting better. I can't believe that I figured it out! I can't tell you how hard I am crying right now. I FIGURED IT OUT!!!! Don't you understand what that means? I remember being about 9 and not playing Red Rover with my friends because I didn't think I was good enough. It started back then, before that. Everything that I did I had to do right or I did not do them. And I didn't do SO MANY THINGS! Oh, so many.
But I'm doing them now. I'm doing them and I am falling down all over the place and I am having so much fun! God, I cannot believe how happy I am to have figured all of this out. It will take time, a life-time, but I will do better. Or maybe I will just fall down... because that's okay.
What I wish I knew back then was that I could say "so??". So what if I'm too fat? Does that make me less of a person? NO! I thought that it did. NO! So what if I'm slow, if I'm a clutz, if I do everything wrong? So what? They made me so paranoid about everything that I did so I never did anything right. How could I? When I wanted to quit piano and skating and swimming and skiing and everything else, why did no one tell me that it was okay to not be the best? It is okay to just do things because you love doing them. How many things did I cheat myself of? So many, so many. And, if I could have said "so?", then maybe I wouldn't have been fat, maybe I wouldn't have quit all of those things, maybe it was okay to try and fail. Because then you just try again. And again. And again if you need to. You get better. Maybe sometimes you don't get better and you suck and you end up playing Jingle Bells for the rest of your life. And you enjoy it because you loved playing it.
Omigod, I'm getting better. I can't believe that I figured it out! I can't tell you how hard I am crying right now. I FIGURED IT OUT!!!! Don't you understand what that means? I remember being about 9 and not playing Red Rover with my friends because I didn't think I was good enough. It started back then, before that. Everything that I did I had to do right or I did not do them. And I didn't do SO MANY THINGS! Oh, so many.
But I'm doing them now. I'm doing them and I am falling down all over the place and I am having so much fun! God, I cannot believe how happy I am to have figured all of this out. It will take time, a life-time, but I will do better. Or maybe I will just fall down... because that's okay.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Guess I got my answer...
Fucker is already on the dating site again. I just sent him this email:
3rd life... I love it... way to break up with a girl... you are quite a stand-up kinda guy... and I let this happen twice... sweet! When can I come get my stuff?
3rd life... I love it... way to break up with a girl... you are quite a stand-up kinda guy... and I let this happen twice... sweet! When can I come get my stuff?
Nothin'
Still no word from Mr. McCulloch. I honestly don't know how I feel about it... I guess I am sitting on the fence. One good thing is that I am not obsessing or going crazy about it, forcing an end like I usually do... I'm just waiting to see how it plays out. I don't know what I want... how could I have been so totally in love with him a month ago and now feel nothing? Am I just forcing my feelings down or is this how I really feel (sober)? I have been somewhat weepy the past day or two - is that p.m.s. or am I not reading my feelings right? I don't know... it's all new... how am I supposed to tell if I like the stinkin' guy or not? I always keep these things so buried... how do you let them out enough to understand them but not so much that you become a basket case? Am I 12?
There are good things about being alone... I have a lot of studying to do - just signed up for two courses at Kwantlen, just got my new piano so I need to learn to play that, got tons of work to do (that I have absolutely no interest in!), I should be exercising, I should be spending more time with my friends to keep the lonliness at bay. Bad things about being alone... I miss Daisy (maybe I should get a dog??), do I miss Ian? I don't know. I really don't. Do I? To a degree I guess. I keep focusing on things that I don't like about him so I haven't spent much time considering the things that I do like. If I'm questioning it this much, doesn't that mean that I don't like him enough? Ah, if only it were that easy.
There are good things about being alone... I have a lot of studying to do - just signed up for two courses at Kwantlen, just got my new piano so I need to learn to play that, got tons of work to do (that I have absolutely no interest in!), I should be exercising, I should be spending more time with my friends to keep the lonliness at bay. Bad things about being alone... I miss Daisy (maybe I should get a dog??), do I miss Ian? I don't know. I really don't. Do I? To a degree I guess. I keep focusing on things that I don't like about him so I haven't spent much time considering the things that I do like. If I'm questioning it this much, doesn't that mean that I don't like him enough? Ah, if only it were that easy.
Monday, January 7, 2008
Oh, it smarts!
We went cross-country skiing on Saturday... soooo much fun. I think it probably ended my relationship with Ian but it will be sadly worth it! He's been getting on my nerves again, anyway. Last time I blamed all of our problems on me and my behavior and it think it was very beneficial to revisit the whole situation to see it from a different angle but, I was right... he is a child. Of course, there is a part of me questioning everything still... it's an ongoing battle, this getting my shit figured out stuff... am I looking for things wrong so that I can ease the hurt if he doesn't want to see me anymore? That's a very good question and I'm sure that it could be viewed that way, however, things have not exactly been amazing between us for a bit. Old habits creap back in, I guess. He changed. I might have changed but he changed, too. And I'm okay with that. If it's over, I will live with it; if it's not over, it probably will be soon and I will live with it.
I have changed soo much inside my head over the past couple of months it's amazing. The ever-lasting internal struggle is gone, I am finally free.
I have changed soo much inside my head over the past couple of months it's amazing. The ever-lasting internal struggle is gone, I am finally free.
Monday, December 3, 2007
I QUIT!
I quit junk food today! Just like smoking, I quit. Yesterday it dawned on me that there is absolutely no logical reason/benefit at any time to me eating chips and chocolate and junky fast food... other than the fact that I like it. But I liked smoking, too, and I quit because it was only causing harm instead of good - same with the junk food that I eat! So I just decided that it was time (way past time) to quit.
Now there are small stipulations, of course... I can have a small piece of cake/desert when celebrating birthdays and other occasions... but only one and only when there is people around (otherwise I might bake a cake to celebrate every pound that I lose!). And I can have fast food but only if I make a healthy choice... everyone has salads and sandwiches on their menu now so there is no excuse for having the crap. But there is NEVER a valid reason to have a single chip or a chocolate bar or a Big Mac.
And I feel awesome about this! There will be a withdrawal period, just like there was with smoking, but I will fight the cravings and they will eventually go away, just like they did with smoking, and I will be healthier... and hotter!!
Go me!! Oh, Stacey quit, too. Go Stacey!!
Now there are small stipulations, of course... I can have a small piece of cake/desert when celebrating birthdays and other occasions... but only one and only when there is people around (otherwise I might bake a cake to celebrate every pound that I lose!). And I can have fast food but only if I make a healthy choice... everyone has salads and sandwiches on their menu now so there is no excuse for having the crap. But there is NEVER a valid reason to have a single chip or a chocolate bar or a Big Mac.
And I feel awesome about this! There will be a withdrawal period, just like there was with smoking, but I will fight the cravings and they will eventually go away, just like they did with smoking, and I will be healthier... and hotter!!
Go me!! Oh, Stacey quit, too. Go Stacey!!
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