So, I'm sitting here, minding my own business, got a good little buzz on the go, having a good time and I'm thinking 'yeah, I don't need him! I don't even want him! Right, me? I am so much better off without him. He used to drive me... um, well, he... I didn't like his driving... yeah, that would have pissed me off after a while. Sheesh. Yeah! Yeah, I can't think of anything else bad to say - except that he doesn't want to be with me.' And I've had this exact conversation with myself a million times. The next thought is 'yeah, but I want to be with him and I would appreciate him and I would be different... I know I would.' What I don't know is if different me would want to be with him. You get my point? I'm so different inside... will that different woman also want him??? I think yes. I can't get past it. I think yes. It occurred to me the other day that it's too bad. Too bad for Ian that he will not reap the fruit of his labor. I think he would have really liked my fruit. I think he would.
And I kind of figured something out that has been bugging me - I've been thinking that, yes, I was terrible before I moved out. And, obviously, my moving out was a mean mean thing to do. But I wasn't like that in the fall, I thought that I was mostly kind and generous. However, I did pick up on the fact that he didn't seem to warm to me much that last time. It kind of didn't make sense. Yes, maybe he just wouldn't let himself get attached and he jumped the gun when he wouldn't call me after the ski fight. It made sense but it didn't feel right. Yesterday I thought - and even said to Mom and Cath - maybe it was because when I learned to let out the good stuff, the bad stuff that I wanted to say came out, too.
As we all know, the bad stuff turned out to be just a copy (actually watered down version!) of the things that I said to myself and once I realized that and learned to be nice to me I became nice to everyone else, too. Ian doesn't know that Bev.
You know I am finally the person that I always wanted to be?????????? Do you understand what that means? This person has been in here struggling her way out for about 30 years. I've been stomping and pushing her down, I have been pissed that she wouldn't go away, I have denied her, I have punished her, I have hated her. Most of all, I have hated her. And right now I think that I have found the key to being happy for the REST OF MY LIFE!! Can you grasp how big that is to me? I always said that I was only fat on the outside. Translate that and I was saying that I am a fat girl on the outside but a skinny girl on the inside. I am in there. And I'm still fat and I love me!!! Look at the fat girl... she conquered the demons, defeated the enemy, won the battle. Oh, the irony. THE FUCKING IRONY. I love irony.
If there has to be a downside I would have to say it's the preaching. I am having a bit of difficulty getting off my back when it comes to being nice to people. Second guessing, doubt, should I have said that, should I have done that. It drives me crazy but I just want everyone to know what I have learned. And maybe I can make a difference in someone's life. Like Sheena and Melissa and that woman at the bottle depot and Marla and Colin. Maybe there is just something about me. Maybe there is something special about me. Maybe I should just shut up and enjoy being the one who gets to start the pay it forward. Holy fuck, I am proud of me. I am so proud of me. I love me. And I'm still fat!
Ha. And I hit the post button and then I thought about the other day when I sarcastically told them about how everyone always says the 'there's just something about you, Bev', disbelieving tone included, confident that people say that to everyone. They looked at me because they didn't know what I was talking about. Could it be that it's not a common thing to be told? [Could it be the same as my theory that I didn't have to feel flattered by a good work evaluation because they had to be nice. I know none of them liked me but they had to say something nice, pat on the back blah, blah, blah. Let me tell you: I have been a supervisor, I have been a manager, they weren't just being nice. I was good. Very good. I just have my own way and it's not the same as everyone else's way. And that's okay. It's better than okay. It's good. Very good. lol Fuckin' Guy Smiley, dude!]
Stacey and I were talking the other night about my ex-boyfriend, Rod, from high school who is now a woman and married to a woman. (Yes, I will say it again: my ex boy friend is now a woman. And she, being my ex-boyfriend, married a woman.) I tell Stacey that I always knew Rod was not gay, it wasn't possible. I went out with Paul, too - he was gay it turns out so I could tell the difference in hind sight. I had sex with Rod in university and he rocked my world! But he felt that he was a woman on the inside. So I guess that does make him gay but as a lesbian not a fag. I thought that was a pretty reasonable take on the situation... made perfect sense to me. But she says that she has no idea what the hell I'm talking about, that she's all for a person doing whatever they wanted but she will never understand it, she will never get it.
