This is what they said:
Scorpio
October 23 - November 21
Give your loved ones the attention they need today, dear Scorpio. Don't let another day go by without telling them that you love them. Life is short, and getting shorter with each passing day. Feel free to be confrontational about a serious issue that needs to be addressed. You are responsible for your own feelings. Do not play the role of the victim. You will only experience more pain and resentment later on.
This is what I said:
Hi sister:
You are sitting across from me right now, on the phone with John. Cathy, I don't mean to seem like I am trying to tell you what to do. Obviously, I don't even have kids so I am way behind where you are. You are a fantastic mother; I don't think you realize just how much! However, as we all know, I spend most of my time trying to figure out where things went wrong and how things should be different in the future and I want to share with you the things that I have felt and the things that I have learned so that you can go forward with more knowledge and perhaps a better idea of what your children are going through.
First of all, I know that all of those times that Dad made me go out when I was a kid was him trying to make things better for me. I don't know if things would have been different if he didn't try to make me go out but what I do know is that going out became a punishment to me and, as in every other area of my life, I thought I was wrong all the time. I can't tell you the difference that could have come from them just putting their arms around me and telling me they love me and I was good because it didn't happen. Mom thought it was best to leave me all by myself in my bedroom and be frustrated with me when I came out and Dad just got pissed off. I know now that they were worried but, as far as I was concerned, I could melt into the floor and it wouldn't make a bit of difference. The way they treated me during those times didn't help, Cathy, it made it worse. I know what people saw on the outside but I hated myself my whole life. Actually, no, the reason that I spent so much time alone is because that was the only time that I was okay to be myself. I thought I was fun to be around but I absolutely believed without a doubt that everyone else would think that I was crap if they got to know what I was really like.
I felt that I was wrong all the time. Everything that I did was wrong. The times that I acted out and got into trouble - and, trust me, I got into a lot more trouble than Mom and Dad ever knew about - I was wrong. No one said you are good, or it's okay to be different, or I love you, I am proud of who you are. You know these things because you lived it, too. But I will tell you a little story about what caused me to lash out against you when I lived with you after high school. And I will preface this by saying that I know that you were going through stuff, too, I know that you were newly married and newly pregnant and trying to find your way in the world and I was your little sister who seemed determined to make things more difficult. I know all of these things but what I am trying to tell you is what I was going through and how your words translated inside my brain.
I was having a super day. For whatever reason, I woke up and the sun was shining outside and inside, too. You and Gerard were gone to work and I decided that, to make up for some of the assholeness that I had been pushing on you (and I honestly, honestly did not know why I acted that way or where it was coming from) I would clean up. And I cleaned and I cleaned. I put on the Depeche Mode cd and rocked out and I felt so good, I wanted to make you smile. You came home - and listen to this because I know it wasn't intentional but this is what you did - you walked in, might have given me a nod of approval, then you went into the bathroom. When you came out you said "what? you couldn't clean under the toilet seat?". You didn't say thank you, or good job, or what a surprise, you really made my day - you told me what I did wrong without ever telling me what I did right. I spent the whole day cleaning because I wanted to show you that I loved you and I was sorry for being so difficult and you put me down. And let me reemphasize that I am not telling you this to hurt your feelings or to make you feel bad. As an adult, and knowing what I know now, I realize that you weren't trying to hurt me but you did.
I honestly believe that when kids act out they are trying to tell you something that they can't put into words. And they are looking for attention, they are looking for love and they are looking for boundaries. Don't you remember being a teenager? How you felt out of place, how no one seemed to understand you, how you just couldn't seem to win sometimes? Yes, give them a punishment but give them love, too. Tell them that you get it because they don't get it yet, they are just trying to find their way and figure out who they are. Tell them that their transgressions will be punished but you love them, they are good. Let them know that they are right sometimes (and I don't mean the big times like when they get a good mark or graduate from high school), just in general.
Sorry, I will stop now. I know it's not my place to tell you how to raise your children and obviously you know what is going on in your household better than I do. But I love you and I love your children and I want to give you the benefit of some of my soul searching. Because I think I figured out a lot of valuable stuff and all of the pain that I went through has to have been for something!!
I love you and I am always here to talk. And I will always think that you are doing an awesome job raising your kids because, as difficult as their teenage years are and will be, they are good people and they are going to turn out well. But I will also always try to show you a different view point in the hope that it might help all of you a little bit.
xxx
