Well, I haven't had much luck writing lately. Not sure that I want to write now either. I went to see Dr. Gray again yesterday. We had a good talk. I was telling him about my birthday fiasco and the subsequent couple of days and when I finished he said "Bev, I was going to commend you when you started that story but now you are just breaking my heart." He does not approve of the Fabe. When I told him that we got back together he just said "why?".

It's all up in the air right now anyway because Sheena is staying here for the rest of the week while Joe is away.

DON'T KNOW. DON'T KNOW.

Sorry, got stoned faster than expected on the pain killers I was on last night. More about that after.

So, anyway, I was being sarcastic last night, obviously. I spent my 32nd birthday alone with Kraft Dinner for supper. Second botched birthday. And again, I had hope. I put last year behind me, thought that this year would be different.

Happy Birthday to me! 32 today. Boy, does that Fabian fella know how to make a girl feel special.


**On October 23rd I was thrown from a crazed horse and landed on my right side. I had a concussion and serious pain in my head and right shoulder, hip and leg.**

Well, here I am... sitting here waiting for him again! Just over an hour late for the supper that I made him. Why do I bother? I'm really starting to wonder. I know he just got home from work. Well, he as home at 8 when I was talking to him. Just going to run in and change clothes and I'll be right over, he said. Guess he can't find anything to wear. And I know that he wants to talk to his friends about his day but - he's so inconsiderate! It amazes me! Over and over, it amazes me. By the time he gets here I'm usually so pissed off from waiting so long. Then he saunters in like he owns the place and stays long after I've been wanting to go to bed. I guess I should stop inviting him over during the week. I know I should because this is really getting to me.

It's easy enough to say that I should just let the Fabe thing work itself out. All it's doing is driving me up the wall these days. I even tried saying that I would not look at him as a long term thing, just as a casual boyfriend. Not working. When things are good, I think that I love him a million times a day. When things aren't good, I want to wash my hands of it all. And lately, things aren't good. I want to wash my hands of it all. And lately things aren't good a lot more than they are.

That's something that really bothers me, you know, the fact that when I'm unimpressed with him I want to walk away from the whole deal. When I'm enjoying him, I think that this could be forever and I'll never doubt him again but as soon as something bothers me, I automatically think that I would rather just forget the whole thing. Is that right? Will it always be like that? No matter who I'm with? I know Mom still talks like that sometimes. AFTER 36 YEARS? How is that right? Is that what I have to look forward to? I know that Fabe is just like Dad. So I get to spend 30 years putting up with his shit? Mom says that Dad hardly ever gets like that anymore. Hardly ever? WHAT AM I DOING???????

See what I mean? I was just about to call and tell him not to bother coming over and he called and said that he was on his way. I told him that I was just about to call and tell him not to bother and as soon as he apologized I'm all, well, it's no big deal. At least he was apologetic for a change. I do understand that he was hyper after his first day at work and wanted to talk about it with his friends but he goes overboard. At least I didn't back down. When he asked if he could sleep over. Maybe someday he'll learn to thing of me, too. Maybe someday I'll get used to the fact that he doesn't. But is that what I want? Is that enough? Only time will tell I guess.

Losing a little momentum I said? Hmmm. Looks like I have done a major back track. It all stopped during this past month - the exercise, the weight loss, the guitar lessons, the good feelings. I just realized this past couple of days that I've let myself get down again. Butting heads with Fabe, wanting to be alone. I'm not down as far as I was in July but I'm no where near as close to 'up' as I have been. I know I can't always be up but I thought that I was in control and I let everything slide. So, it's time to start upward again. Sigh.

I just reread my previous entries in this journal and I want to feel that good again. That good inside my head. I'm having serious doubts about my relationship with Fabe right now. The past while we seem to get on each others never whenever we are together. To be honest, it's more like he's getting on my nerves and the way I'm reacting to that is getting to him. Whatever, we have not been getting on well. Even the sex is kind of so so. I don't know what to do about it. Giving up has entered my mind more than once. What if Dr. Gray is right and just because I love him doesn't mean that he's the right person for me and just because he cares for me doesn't mean that he gives me what I need.

What I need to do is get back to work on the other stuff that was making my head good and let the Fabe thing work itself out. I need to start writing here again regularly, too. I think it will help me see the down coming sooner instead of waiting until I'm ready to jump out the window.

LOVE YOURSELF

Well, it's been a little while. Things are going well still. I feel that I have lost a little of my momentum, though, and it's time to get it back.

This is so weird, seeing Fabian again. Good weird but weird. We went to lunch today and it was so normal. I don't know how else to describe it. Even he said that Thursday night was weird, too. Two months apart but here we are. So, I did stick to my guns. He wanted to come home with me. But I said no, have to go shopping for a guitar. And I was so proud of myself. He spent lunch staring at me and telling me how good I looked. Finally I just said "I know". I can't explain it but the good stuff inside is showing outside, too. In more ways than he can see. Anyway, he said he was trying to invite himself back home with me but I remembered my promise to myself and I didn't back down. HA! Then, a couple of hours later I called him and invited him over to watch Trailer Park Boys and said if he came early I would have my way with him. And he did. And I did. And it was so good. Awesome sex - never had a problem there, did we?

Looks like I played that right. Well, maybe played is not the right word because I wasn't playing. I totally calmed down. Despite my doubts to the contrary, I think I'm really doing good here.

He called just after 5pm. Said he slept until after 3pm. But whatever. I didn't expect to get an explanation. I did flub once, however. He asked if I was busy tonight and I said yes, babysitting the boys. But when he mentioned a movie, I said well maybe I could do it. When he said no you do what you were doing I thought fuck - why did I say that? But it's done. Don't be silly and pick apart every little thing. Of course, that's my, like, life!

We are meeting at White Spot for lunch tomorrow at 1pm. Meeting. No 'date' here I guess but that's okay. We're going slow or not going at all. I guess only time will tell.

Okay, here's rational Bev again. And I have to write this down before I forget (I'm a little toasted!). Because I have to trust my instincts and know that Fabe is not someone who would maliciously hurt me and because I have recently built up this weird 'self-esteem' thing. I have narrowed it down to two, maybe three, possible explanations.

1. He really just wanted to get laid. [sentence crossed out in original format] Hang on, don't like that one. You know, he could have just been thinking about it and thought, whoa, I'm not really sure that this is a good idea. Which is understandable because I was kind of a freak. Not really that so much as I pushed him farther than he wanted to go. And I do believe that he had feelings for me, then I broke up with him. Or maybe he's just inconsiderate, got a better offer or really didn't make half as much of this as me. That leaves two possible outcomes: either he will call, or he won't. Comes down to that. If he doesn't call, I go on with it. I get on with everything and see who is around the corner someday. If he does call, in five minutes, five hours or five days, I will be my happy-go-lucky self. No explanations, no guilt, no payback. But I go SLOW. If we go out, no sex that day/night. Seriously, Bev, you have to try it. You did it with Craig and Dave and Colin. Say no. Just, let's take it slow. No expectations, let's just see what happens. Can you do that?

The funny thing is... I'm feeling like a total fool right now. So he comes over and fucks me on Thursday night and I believe that he's working on good intentions? But here's Saturday. Supposed to go out to lunch on Saturday. And nothing. Not a sorry, can't make it, not a fuck you, nothing. So what am I supposed to think? How am I supposed to deal with this? I'm trying to be patient. I'm trying to not think the worst. But I really don't know what I'm supposed to think. And I don't know what I'm supposed to do next. So, if he never calls, that's easy. But what if he does? Fucker! Am I that much of an idiot that I would trust someone so much when they are trying to take me for a ride? I really don't know what to do here. And I don't like it. I don't like it at all.

I had an interesting conversation with myself yesterday at the gym. It was about control. I have been controlled my whole life. First by my folks. Not that I'm saying it was wrong; they were strict, not mean, not abusive, just strict. But there's this part of my personality that lets me be controlled. I've spent my life conforming to others. So, if I did not have that side of me when I was a kid, I would have told Gary Winter to fuck off that night. I would have screamed and fought. But I didn't. I laid there and pretended that I was asleep and that started a cycle of fear in me that I am just learning about. If I had fought Gary that night, the night with Dick never would have happened. Countless nights of lying under someone, letting them abuse my body, years of running from some strange faceless man never would have happened! But that's not it. It's the combination of control, low self-esteem and boy craziness that caused it. And being a very sexual person. But it's like I've always needed the control. It made me comfortable. I didn't have to take any chances, someone else was always making the decisions for me. My folks, then I left them and the fear (?) drove me into Karl's arms. For more control. Is the right word fear? I think maybe comfort again. But obviously a part of me didn't want the control. I left Karl. But then I set out to look for someone else to control me, to guide me, to make my life what I wanted it to be. That's an awful lot to ask of someone, isn't it? I'll give you me but I want you to mold me into the person that I want me to be. Who could possibly succeed? Fabe didn't want to try. Maybe that's what makes me love him and fight him so much. Hmmm.

Omigod, omigod! I can't stop smiling! It's really starting to piss me off! Kidding, of course.

Okay, we were online last night and then he called. We talked for two hours almost and when we were getting off the phone he asked if he could come over for a couple of minutes. Of course I said yes. But why? Why would he come over? It was 10pm. And I had been smoking all day, I hadn't had a shower, I had been for my walk. I brushed my teeth and washed my girl's stuff. And he walked in and looked sooooo damn good. Wow! Seriously. Then he said 'hi' and started kissing me. He said 'is this okay?' and my knees were shaking and my heart was pounding and it was soooo okay. We went into the bedroom and it felt so right. It was like two months went away and I melted. And I came. Over and over.

God, don't let it be just sex. I know it wasn't. I know that we are finding our way back to each other. I have to be careful. Keep living the life I've been living, not get into all the emotional and obsessive. But something has changed inside of my during the past couple of months. It feels right. Sigh.

So, emailed Fabe on Monday night. Just asking how his first day at transit went. And I made reference to the 'nook and cranny' comment that he made the last time. And he says 'yeah, the nook and cranny thing was me hitting on you'!!!! How to reply to that?!!!! Of course, I did and we were online for a couple of hours. Nice. Very nice. Let's take it nice and slow and start again from scratch. And have sex, sex, sex. Horny girl!

Man, I am horny today! Had to come home and have a little party for myself at lunch time, if you know what I mean! Of course you do!! :) Dan I miss sex! If Fabe had been anywhere near me this morning, I would have jumped him!

And about Fabe. I keep kicking myself about writing about him all the time. This book is about me and my development and he's a big part of that, no matter what happens. So no more kicking! Play nice.

Okay, so about Fabe! Still want him. I got an inkling that he's thinking about me too. Last night I looked at his profile on MSN. He hadn't updated it in a year - he usually uses the other. Well, it was updated which means he probably logged in to see if I was on. Maybe I'm reading too much into this. But it renewed my hope.

So much up and down with this guy. I keep saying that I want to take things slow and then get so impatient. It was only last week that I had the first contact with him in over a month. I have to win him back by showing him how I've changed. And part of that is actually changing! Not going out of my mind when I don't hear from him. I was so down yesterday. That showed me two things: first, I'm not as far ahead of the game as I want to be. So now is no time to sit back and slide back into my hole. There's still lots of work to do here, Bevie. Don't stop now! Also, the pill wasn't causing jack. Would have been nice to blame something but it wasn't the pill. I was as down yesterday as ever. So I started it up again. Got to be ready in case there's any non-battery sex in my future!

This was a mistake, emailing Fabe. It's too soon. I'm not ready. I feel like I've gone backward a month or more. I miss him like we just broke up. I need to remember this. And get over it. And stop checking that damn computer!

Well, the problem isn't the pill. It's me. I'm sitting here waiting for some contact instead of going about my business and if contact comes, that's good, but it's okay if it doesn't come. Which goes hand in hand with Dr. Gray's 'Get a life' theory. This is why I started hating this place so much. I have so much work to do that I just don't want to look at it. And I should be working right now but I don't want to. I spent most of the morning playing with my hot tub. And I need to rewire my stereo and fix the walls where the curtains were. And do laundry and shopping. And put up some shelves and paint my kitchen. But I feel too guilty to do all those things because I should be working. So work, damn it! Stop bitching about having to do it and do it! It's not going anywhere like this. Crap.

Okay, this wasn't supposed to be a book about Fabian. But I can see that it's becoming one. I guess old habits are really hard to break. They creep up on you when you aren't paying attention.

Anyway, ha, let's bring you up to date. Remember what a rough time I was having on Friday? Wanting to email him and ask him out to lunch? Well, just about as soon as I went to be, he emailed me. Fucker! Getting my hopes up. Yesterday when I woke up I asked him out to lunch after all, to celebrate his new job. 6 or 7 hours later I heard from him saying 'lunch would have been great' blah, blah. And I answered in my fun loving, happy-go-lucky way. Then nothing but a night of staring at the phone and checking my computer. Sound familiar? Been through this before, have you Bevie? Of course I got myself a little wasted and had a pretty fun night with 'Undercover Brother' and I wasn't going to answer the phone if it rang. But I WANTED it to ring! I've never been too good with the whole patience thing. Now I'm ready to give up again.

He has this way of stringing people along. I've seen it when he talked about his other ex's calling him. I've seen it when I was with him. "I'll call you later". That means I won't call you.

So get on with your day, Bevie. And if he calls - that's great and if he doesn't - that has to be okay, too. It's not that any man will BE your life. They are only supposed to accent it. And when you are ready, it will happen. When it's right, it will feel right. It doesn't feel right now. So have a little patience. Wait. Love will come again. I guarantee it!

I almost emailed him today. To ask him out for lunch to celebrate his new job. But no. I'm not ready. Not that I have much of a choice. I'm sure he's seeing someone else by now. It's getting easier, it really is - just sometimes. I don't want to think of him all the time anymore. I don't want to hope and I don't want to hang on to 'someday'. I just want it to be over. Well, ha, it is over. But I want it to be over inside my head. I don't want to hear him in every sad song, feel him in every fantasy. I wonder where he is, if he's thinking about me, if he's happy. I hope he's happy.

Okay, let's see if I have enough arm strength left to write here. Just got back from the gym and did an upper body workout. My arms are almost shaking still! Which is exactly how it's supposed to be. But, yea, too tired. It'll have to wait!

Ah, just got back from the gym. I was supposed to walk tonight but after an hour on the phone with Mom, ate supper at 7pm and by 8:30pm when I felt sufficiently digested to walk, it was too dark so I went to the gym and did 25 minutes on the treadmill. Feels Great!

So, a funny thought occurred to me. Here it is. When I left high school at the tender age of 17, I was about 180lbs (like 178 or something). My heaviest weight was 220lbs or so. (Right now I'm 214) And 3 times in my adult life I have lost about 30 lbs: once when Mom lost her job in 1995, on diet pills in 1998 and with Jenny Craig in 2002. Okay, let's do the math.So from 180 to 220 is 40lbs plus 90lbs lost - I have gained 130lbs in the past 14 years! That's crazy! And lost 90.

I'd like to be 150, 160. That's about 65 to lose (then I could say that I lost 155lbs!!). At 2 per week, 8 per month, that's - crap, where's my calculator? 8 months, give or take. End of April. Hmm.

I always do this thing in my head at the gym. I used to read people's success stories in magazines. You know - "I tried everything and with your program I lost 30 pounds and kept it off for 10 days"!! Ah, yeah, sarcasm. You know what I mean. Anyway, when I get going with exercise I always write my success story in my head. Today's was funny:

'I've been dieting since I was 10 months old. I've tried everything: name calling, bribery, starvation, exercise, bulimia, diet pills, Jenny Craig, dietitians but nothing worked! Then I started seeing a shrink...'

How do you think that would go over? Funny. The funny thing is I'm not dieting. Yes, the experiment. I can eat whatever I want. I just don't really want so much. Of course, I haven't lost any weight, either. Snicker.

Gee, dear diary, sure hope I don't become addicted to you! I've been writing an awful lot! Can't see a problem with that, can you? :)

Well, it turns out that I was going about the Big Sisters thing all wrong. The Langley one is separate from the Vancouver/Surrey/Richmond one. So I just called there and I have my own little orientation meeting tomorrow afternoon. This might make the whole process quicker.

God, I feel like a different person these days. It's soooooo good! I half want a mood swing so I can say it wasn't the pill after all. I don't know what to do for birth control without it. Not that it's a problem these days! But I would like to have sex again!!! I'm determined to stick with my two month experiment. It's early days yet.

Look at me. My plans and wants from the past 5 years or more are coming together. I guess this whole Fabian thing, the relationship and the rock bottom, is going to be a blessing after all. Even if we don't work it out. But, of course, I hope we do some day. It kind of scares me to think of a relationship with him again - with anyone. I don't want to go down the same road again, make the same mistakes. But that's in the future. No matter what happens, it won't be anytime soon. And I will deal with it. I feel like I could deal with anything right now. How cool is that?? :)

Good day! I went to the Langley Players meeting tonight. Chris came with me. It was fun. I always have fun with Chris anyway, he's a funny guy. He's a Rog/Scott type person. Male me. Anyway, the meeting was good. Auditions for this show are over but I'll probably help out behind the scenes on this show and try out for a part in the next one.

I'm also thinking about guitar lessons. They are on Thursdays from 5-6. Which kind of interferes with the swimming lessons. Not interferes exactly. Swimming would be Wednesday nights from 8-9. I don't want to over book. There's another swim class on Sunday at 6:45pm. Maybe that would be better. I'm also going to a Big Sister meeting on Monday. That's kind of a long process to get accepted from what I can tell and they expect 3-5 hours per week. yeah, maybe I should do the Sunday swim. Then it will be over November 30th in time to audition for the play. And if that doesn't work out I can do skating or something. I'm also training to do the Vancouver Sun Run in April I ROCK!

And after the meeting I had an excess of energy so I pulled o my jogs and went to the gym. I did an awesome cardio workout. I must look like an idiot, smiling my ass off, singing to myself. But hey, I'm okay with that!

Anyway, I'm sure that everyone who's reading this is wondering what happened with Fabe. Well, he last emailed last night at midnight. I was in bed already, trying to not think about him (didn't work). I replied this evening at about 9pm but nothing back. Didn't really leave an opening for a reply anyway. And that's okay. The lines of communication are open. And, of course, he could be seeing someone. That's okay, too. I want him to date 20 women and realized that they just don't compare to me! Um? What happened to that self loathing girl we all know and love? God I hope she's gone!

Hmmmm. Well, he emailed back. We've actually been emailing back and forth for about 3 hours now. Just one liners. On the last one he brought up the drunken Friday night call. I told him lots of drinking. Damn that Kirk! Oh, well, my own fault. Let the booze get to me. Actually, Dave Dobbin got to me - made me think of Fabe. As if I needed help. More specifically, Dave made me horny for Fabe. Again, as if I needed help! Anyway, I thought that was that, after the mention of the call. But he emailed again. I'm not reading anything into all of this (HA!). Only, let's see. I'm totally not giving up on my 'get a life' plans. They're actually even more important now. Maybe there's a chance... someday.

Crap. I had better control this. I've finally stopped putting the extra pillow next to me. I haven't thrown up in days. I can orgasm without crying. Go slow, very very slow. He could be seeing someone for all I know. Crap.

Okay, it's all good. Just you chill, missy, just you chill. :)

Okay, I'm sitting here AGAIN having a big fight with myself AGAIN! I want I want I want to email Fabian. Just to send him those pictures that I took of him in his underwear. ARG!!! I promised myself that I wouldn't but I want I want. Not to get back together (HA), just contact. Something. I want. I might be losing the battle. It's because I've been good. mentally, I've been so good. But I'm not there. How long am I going to do this, feel this? Am I going to chase him? No, a nice friendly email... hey send me your co-worker's email addresses, they might be able to use these. Ha, ha! Simple, harmless. ????? He didn't email me back when I sent him those 'friends' emails. But he did email me back when I sent the 'going to Newfoundland' email. Just have a good time and I hope everything is going good. So, what's the big deal? It's not like I'm stalking him. He said he wanted to be friends. This sucks. he thinks I'm mental. And rightly so. But look at me. Look at how hard I'm working! Look how good I'm doing! Doesn't that count for something?

Okay, too late - argument's over - I just sent it. Crap.

Dr. Gray said something funny the other day. He said "I think we should keep you chubby for a while". He said it in the context that I should meet people while I am over weight to let them get to know me and let me get to know them as I am now so I can get rid of the feeling that no one will love me while I am fat. And I laughed and like his idea because I started the Body for Life program that Sunday and had already been cheating my ass off by our Wednesday session. That night I think I ordered a pizza for supper.

But I don't think that I should do that. Let's face it, it's going to take me a LONG time to be anywhere near thin. Also I don't need a license to eat like that. But, most importantly, I read that a good way to reduce depression is through proper diet and exercise and most of the things that I want to do (swimming, the Vancouver Sun Run, etc) will require me to be in much better shape than I am right now. But I don't want to be crazy dieting. I honestly believe that once I start living the life that I want to lead, the weight will come off naturally. I do need to help it though, get started. Otherwise I'll always be sitting here wanting to be out there doing but without the energy to actually get up.

I've been thinking a lot about what I wrote last night. That my happiness has always been dependent on making someone else happy. I think that's why I've always had so much trouble being alone. And also why I've always been attracted to the same type of man. The ones who were alone. the ones who would take and take and teak. The ones who could never love me - at least not the way I needed. Because I never loved me - at least not the way I needed. Sure, on the good days I always thought that I was a good person. Caring, generous, funny, not even too bad looking. But I don't think that I ever really loved me. I can't look int a mirror and say 'I love you'. Sometimes I can say 'yeah, yer okay'. Most of the time I just scowl. So, why not love? I'm deserving of love if I make someone else happy. If I buy them something. If I do a good deed. I guess to drive myself crazy trying to find something to buy Fabe. Something that wouldn't freak him out but would put a smile on his face. I always thought that it was because I was trying to make him love me but I think it was really because I was trying to feel justified in his caring about me. But it didn't work. Every time that I tried to push him away I would say 'it's okay that you can't love me' because I can't love me. And he couldn't love me. Because I couldn't let him. So why not? Why is it so easy for me to tell someone that I love them but I can't ell me? Why do I always feel that everyone else is justified in not loving me?

Dr. Gray is right - I do need to get a life. I need to learn to be okay with being with me. That's another thing that really came out with Fabe. I often felt like I had nothing to offer, nothing interesting to say. I think with Karl that never really came out because he was perfectly happy letting me shadow his life. Fabe wanted me to have my own. And I kind of thought that I did - when he was around. When he wasn't around I just spent my time waiting for him to come back. As I have spent this month. Not really wanting him to come back because I know that I need this but waiting for him to come back and love me so I can feel justified in loving myself.

And what about the weight? Crutch? Absolutely. I know that there are times that I use it to push people away. But I think it's more than that now. Habit? Comfort? Ah, we are back to love. It's okay if you don't want me. Look at me. How could you want me? The eating crap is a habit now. I'll always pick a bag of chips over a carrot. But, over all, I don't eat that bad. I don't even really enjoy a big greasy burger anymore. I think the main part right now is inactivity. Which is also a habit. It's not that I'm lazy, out of shape yes but not really lazy. I want to be out there. I want to swim and skate and ski and roller blade and hike and ride and camp and run. It's just not so fun to do it alone. And in looking for a man, I've always looked for someone who did those things, who could teach me. With Karl, it was things he 'used' to do that got me confused. All of the stories were very past tense. Kind of with Fabe, too, although not that far in the past. In the end he was getting back into all that outdoor stuff but I wasn't included.

It's funny, I keep thinking that by the time I get on with all of this, I'll be exactly the person he wanted me to be. But there's this funny little thought on the edge of my mind that, when I get on with all of this, he won't be the person that I want. but that's not really true. I think that I found the right person at the wrong time. Luckily for me, I don't believe that there is only one person for everyone. I do believe that, when I'm ready, I will find another right person. Just got to let go of Fabe in the mean time!

"RIGHT NOW SOMEONE IS WISHING FOR NOTHING MORE THAN WHAT YOU ALREADY HAVE"

I think I just decided to go off the pill. I've been babysitting Buddy and Bubba all weekend (buddy had leg surgery on Thursday) and I just realized that I forgot to take it Friday and Saturday and I figured why not? Just to see. I always thought that it caused my mood swings when I was younger. But I've been on it for almost 7 years. And, without it, what do I do? Not that I'll be having sex for a while :( Condoms suck. Oh well, let's see. I can always just go back on in a couple of months.

I think that the hardest part for me right now is just dealing. Dealing with all of this stuff at the same time. Loving and missing Fabian, guilt over doing so shitty for my customers, stress because I have so much to get done and dealing with this fucked up mental state. It's so much easier to just push it all away. But that's what I've always done and look where it got me. Just knowing about this depression makes me constantly on edge. Constantly watching, waiting, judging ever move, every mood. I know it will be better in the long run, I know that I'll come through all this better and stronger and happier. This is definitely a test that I need to pass.

I'm scared stiff about going to this theatre group meeting on Tuesday. But I have to look at it as a challenge. And I'm sure once I get there I will be happy that I went. Even if it turns out to be less than I hope. It's getting there that's the challenge.

Dr. Gray says I need to get a life. Sounds funny, sounds sarcastic. But it's true. I've never developed as a person in my own right. My life depended on making other people happy. My happiness laid in everyone else's. And now that I'm alone, there is no one to please.

Dearest Diary...

Ha! Ha! Yeah, here I am again. Starting another. Shred the old one - start a new one.

Okay, let's get right to the point. I miss Fabian. A month later and I still ache for him. But as many times as I wish he would call, there are just as many times that I'm glad he doesn't. Stacey asked me the other day if I regret breaking up with him (I guess she's tired of hearing his name!). And the answer is no. I don't regret breaking up with him. I am sad that it didn't work out and I love him so much still but ----

Whoa! That brought on a MAJOR Fabe-ache! Whew! They really suck! Luckily they don't last quite as long as they used to and, sober, I can stop myself from emailing him or driving by his house. Honestly, it's because I don't want to do anything to put this into a total state of disrepair. As if it's not already! But the fantasy of 'someday' burns eternal.

Okay, sorry - where was I? I don't regret breaking up with him. But it does bother me that it didn't work out because I really do think that we had something speical. At the same time, I know that this is what I really needed. It was being with someone so great for me that made me realize that something was wrong in my head.

It's so obvious to me now. I guess it always was but now I can name it, and work on it. It's still hard but the future seems bright. So many questions have been answered by this. So many days and nights of not feeling right, of being afraid of my own mind. Not that it's over. Not by a long shot. I've got quiet a road ahead of my but I really thing that I can get through this. PAST this. This that I once termed 'teenage angst' (at the tender age of 31!) but this that I now know is termed depression.

Dr. Gray has really helped me a lot. From the first session with him I have been more aware, seeing for the first time that there really are two sides of my brain that are working independently of each other, against each other. I have always been big on self improvement, looking for what was making me unhappy and changing it. It's just that now I realize that I was changing the wrong things.